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What’s Bugging You? -He Said Edition-
Everyone knows we are all about equal opportunity here at The Sisterwives. On Tuesday we gave the floor to the ladies and let ’em loose with what was bugging them. It would be a shame if you missed it.
Now it’s Thursday and, as promised, the guys were perfect gentlemen and waited patiently for their their turn. Grab a coffeh or other beverage of choice, sit back, and take it all in. Enjoy the lighter side for another day.
Like I said, equal opportunity…..and these guys took it to heart. Seems the girls are not the only ones with a few things workin’ their nerves.
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Ladies and Gentleman, I’m here to speak to you today about butts. Specifically, I’m here to discuss banning them.
“A butt ban!” you’re most certainly thinking, “Has Twindaddy lost his mind? I mean, Scott? What the hell is his name again?”
Yes, dearest reader, I have lost my mind. But that’s not relevant to this post. Well, maybe it is. Look, I’m not sure. Whatever.
Moving on…
I’m sure by now every single one of you has jumped to some asinine conclusions. You’re silently screaming, “Butts are an essential component of our digestive system and we can’t survive without them!” Some of you may have even surmised that without butts JLo and Nicki Manaj wouldn’t be famous, and as that thought crosses your mind you smile because you realize how much better humanity would be if no one knew who they were. (Just kidding, JLo. I loved you in Jersey Girl.)
I’m not suggesting anything so inane as banning human tushies. Or as I refer to mine, a back with a crack. I’m suggesting we ban a different kind of butt; one that reeks and adds poisonous chemicals to the atmosphere. Just the same as human butts do.
I’m suggesting we ban cigarette butts.
“What?!?!” I hear all of you buttpuffers scream out in unison as you throw Great Value™ popcorn at your computer screen.
Relax. Believe it or not there is a reasonable rationale for this. Well, depending on your point of view.
This morning as I was driving to work, the driver in front of me threw his cigarette butt out the window. Sure, it looked neat for a moment in the dark, blazing tobacco embers fluttering in the wind. Then, just like that *snaps fingers*, it’s over. You drive over that still smoldering butt as it tumbles down the highway and you’re thinking, “Gee, I hope I don’t have a gas leak.”
Or am I the only one that thinks that? You ever have this weird feeling that you’re leaving a trail of high-octane fluid behind you that’s just waiting to be ignited by some inconsiderate ass throwing his cigarette butt out of his car window which then ignites said trail and the flame chases you relentlessly down the highway until it catches up to you and, more specifically, your gas tank thus causing your gas tank to combust and your car to explode? No? So it’s just me? Well, that sucks.
I’m digressing. Sorry.
It occurred to me that if this littering douchenozzle in front of me had a filterless cigarette he wouldn’t have a flaming butt to toss out of his window with which to ignite my phantom trail of fuel. Plus he wouldn’t be leaving trash that will take hundreds of years to decompose on our roadways.
Think of the trees.
But Twindaddy, cigarettes contain poison and the filter helps to protect the smoker!
You think that any buttpuffer out there doesn’t know that his or her cigarettes are loaded with poisonous chemicals? Hell, it says so right on the box and people still light up. It’s that person’s individual choice to slowly kill himself or herself.
But mother nature doesn’t have a choice in the matter when some jackwagon flicks a cigarette butt from his or her car window. The park ranger doesn’t choose to have a shitload of cigarette butts to clean up all the time. The street sweeper doesn’t advocate for the careless discarding of hundreds of non-biodegradable cigarette filters . The city streets were not consulted before they were buried beneath a sea of poisonous butts.
Since the majority of buttpuffers choose not to use the fucking ashtrays in their cars, I think the option to have filters should be taken away. When you buttpuffers can be responsible with our ecology and stop littering, and endangering those of us with gas leaks (real or imaginary), then maybe you can have your butts back.
Until then, I say good riddance cigarette butts.
Scott, AKA Twindaddy, Finding Twindaddy
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Things that annoy me…
There is not much. I think I’m a pretty easy going guy. I would say there are moments that annoy me more than actual things. As humans, we all share this quality. If all the differences of the world races and cultures would just sit down and realize we all have the same frustrations, there would be no more fighting. Only a big assembly of people shaking their heads, laughing, and saying,
“Yeah! Me too!”
And maybe some bags of Sun Chips could be passed around, the Salsa kind of course…and possibly a bag of the Cheddar flavor as well…as well as Coca Cola for the Americans, and Fanta Orange for everyone else…and the world just might be a better place.
Anyway…
I mostly get annoyed with myself.
Some examples:
I had set the timer on my phone then put it to my ear as if I was making a call.
I get upset at other drivers on the road when they do something stupid. Then like most people I yell at them from the confines of my car. Then I yell at myself for yelling at them, because
- It’s not like they can hear me, and
- To other drivers I look like a madman, just screaming at his steering wheel. The other drivers are then possibly pondering, “What’s wrong with that guy? And why the hell does he hate his steering wheel so much? Hey, you know they make steering wheel covers if you hate your steering wheel so much! Get a steering wheel cover with Hello Kitty on it! No one can get mad at Hello Kitty! And if you did, it’s really an unfair fight because Hello Kitty doesn’t have a mouth! What a jerk you are….yelling at mouth-less Hello Kitty! That handicap kept her off TV you know!”
I hate when the batteries go out in the remote control, and then I just spend a couple of days getting frustrated, thinking it’s broken. It works when you mash the buttons down really hard for a while, so my first pessimistic thought is always: IT’S DYING! Now a days the control buttons on the actual TV are hidden, almost making you rely solely on the remote control. If you had to get up and change the channel, you need origami fingers to reach around, and down, and to the left to actually touch the Channel Up Button….which, of course you will always inadvertently hit the Channel Down Button by mistake. After about a week of struggling and watching TV on the lower numbered stations only, I realize that the batteries must be dead.
Now every house has a junk drawer, and every staple of the junk drawer is batteries. What most people don’t realize is that junk drawers sole nutriment is batteries and pencil sharpeners. So, if you need two AAA batteries for your remote control, chances are that your junk drawer has eaten one of them.
Which leads me to my final annoyance:
Having to go to the store when all I need is one battery.
Chris, Long Awkward Pause
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This is going to sound strange, but if you really want to annoy me . . . do the dishes. I’m one of those weird guys that has an OCD approach to the kitchen but I’m still attracted to women. In fact it’s so bad, I even piss off my gay friends. Nobody can clean the kitchen but me. You can clean it if you wish, but I will do it again. I will, no shit, pull the dishes back out of the cabinet and rewash them. No, you may not “help” me by “drying and putting away”. You can help me by getting the hell out, because when the dishes are done I’m going to be scrubbing the counters, stove, etc. In the corners, in the gaps. No, m’Dears, this is not Spring cleaning, this is E.V.E.R.Y. day. If you cannot perform surgery without the risk of infection on the counter, I am not done. The faucet will shine like the day it was installed. Invite me to stay at your house for the weekend, and your kitchen belongs to me, and I’m not asking you, I’m telling you.
Also, if I am done with the kitchen and have sat down for the evening afterwards and you go in there and put so much as a knife in the sink, or get a drop of water on the counter, I may very well need to be hospitalized. Be warned.
Eric, Opticynicism
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I consider myself a tolerant person. For example, I have four teenagers who are still alive. I think that says something. However, before the Vatican announces my Sainthood, there are definitely things that bug the shit out of me:
A political landscape that resembles barkers at a carnival midway.
Journalism evolving into something closer to Facebook posts.
Justin Bieber.
I’ve learned to tolerate these things because I don’t have control over any of them. At least not unless I get within arm’s reach of Justin Bieber. Still, there are things that bug me because I DO have control over them yet do nothing to avoid them. Why? Because it’s so easy that I keep putting it off. Here are three:
- Switching the car heater on for the first time each fall and having the personal affects of a mouse blow into my face. Usually while I’m driving.
- Walking onto the porch each December and freaking out after stepping in a decomposing pumpkin carcass.
- Laying in bed and listening to what sounds like a group of drunk cats playing Twister under the house.
Though it’s too late to avoid that first one this year, there’s still time to throw our jack-o-lantern at those cats before Thanksgiving.
Ned, Ned’s Blog and Long Awkward Pause
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Do we know some of the greatest people or what? Keep following the funny with these guys. I promise no disappointment. All their blogs are linked up and you can also follow Ned on Facebook.
Scott (don’t you just still want to call him TD??), Eric, and Chris serve up more great stuff on Twitter.
So there you have it. She Said and now He Said. Or, to be fair, He Said and She Said. Any way you word it, what a fantastic time! Now that we’ve managed to lighten things up a little why don’t you let us know what you think.
Did you enjoy the lighter side? Should we do it again soon?
Yeah. I think so too.
Ooooh I *hate* cigarette butts being thrown. There is just NO NEED.
I yell at other drivers.
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I yell at other drivers, too. Other drivers are assholes.
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Yup. And when I’m cycling, I HATE drivers, and when I’m driving, I HATE cyclists. I may be an asshole 😉
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Well. erm….no comment.
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*grins*
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Right??? Sigh…
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Here in New Jersey, drivers also throw beer bottles out the window. It’s the State Sport.
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Judging by the trash piling up along the roadways, it’s a sport here, as well. I just don’t ever see it.
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That sort of sounds like fun…
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As long as you’re the one doing the throwing, it is!
*opens window; hurls bottle*
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That’s like a super awesome demented version of frogger… not only are you dodging cars, but the cars can hurl bottles at you. You have to be extra nimble!
I’m game. Sign me up.
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I’m all about super awesome demented! Whattaya say I visit California and we introduce them to the fine are of bottle hurling?
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Yes. Let us do this. Now. The guest room is yours for as long as you want.
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I don’t think the newer cars come with ashtrays any more Scott. I understand the imaginary gas leak. How bout when you run “something” over that was in the road and watch your tire deflating in your mind?
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I hate that, too!
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Pingback: What’s Bugging YOU? Part 2 « A Buick in the Land of Lexus
Thanks for the invite, Sandy!
And Ned, perhaps you could carve Bieber’s face into your pumpkin. That should keep you from forgetting about it and encourage you to destroy it ASAFP.
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Nice thought, TD. But I’d rather toss a cigarette butt at his face then cover it with a Hello Kitty steering wheel cover.
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That sounds fun, too.
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When my kid misbehaves I send him to school in a Justin Bieber tee shirt. This way, I don’t have to hit him- the other kids do it for me.
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That’s the model of parental efficiency, Samara. I made my son wear JB underwear to gym class. All it took was one punch in the nuts and he’s been an angel ever since.
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Ned! That’s perfect! Did you know that a longstanding Sisterwives tradition was #dickpunch Thursday?
Well played, sir!
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Remind me never to visit you ladies on a Thursday.
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I live in the land of wild fires so that butt throwing is especially dangerous and it carries a hefty fine here, fortunately I don’t see a lot of it here but in the city, those butt throwers are EVERYWHERE.. I do the same thing in the car. Yelling at other drivers when I know they can’t hear me but somehow I feel victorious when I pass them and give them the evil eye.. I feel the same way about my kitchen. Nobody cleans like I do… And eewww on the mouse blowing, just eewww..
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Throwing a butt out the window where I live is considered littering and carries a $500 fine, but all the cops in the world couldn’t police that, sadly.
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In defense of the butt people, most new cars don’t have ashtrays, but instead that useless storage tray that ends up collecting piles of useless shit that I have to clean out once a week. I say put the ashtray back and let the non-butt people use it to collect pocket change like it used to.
You are right about tossing them out the window, however. It’s rude and even dangerous to folks on motorcycles.
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Hmmmmmmm…….come to think of it…I don’t think my car has an ashtray, either. That’s kinda dumb, isn’t it?
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Eric, get the hell to my house NOW. No shit. My kitchen is a disaster. Come to think of it, so is my house. Do you make house calls?
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I charge by the hour, and it includes travel time. And I drive slow. And I stop to pee a lot.
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Scott, I completely agree! And I actually HAVE worried about the little fire sticks igniting under my car. #greatminds
Eric, although that’s some serious kitchen OCD you got there, I sort of want you to live at my house. It would give you hives to see my sink right now. I need someone living here that wants to do the damn dishes.
Chris….omg with the fucking batteries…I totally get that. I live with 4 boys (husband, two sons, and the dog) and am surrounded by remotes (for TV, toy car/trucks, and Xbox, to name a few) that are forever running out of batteries, which I never, ever seem to have enough of to replace. So obnoxious.
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Yay! I’m glad I’m not the only one with irrational butt fears.
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To be clear, I never “want” to do the dishes, I just can’t stand to be around dirty ones. It’s a sick, twisted cycle.
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I CANNOT stand clutter or dirt. I can’t even write if my house isn’t clean.
Now you know why I rarely publish…
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There needs to be a battery delivery service!
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And they could also pick up cigarette butts while they’re driving.
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Scott, I loved Jersey Girl, too…even though it’s regarded as a Kevin Smith failure. And Eric…my kitchen is a disaster. Just sayin’
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I’m not sure why Jersey Girl is considered a failure. Maybe because it’s not as crude as other KS movies? Maybe because there’s actually a meaningful story? I don’t know, but I think it’s a great movie.
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Only if you’re gonna hang out to chat while I clean (just please don’t help). I wanna party with you. By party I mean clean your kitchen while you make me laugh.
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Oh and NED, your first three are spot on! And why are there kitties under your house? Strays? Put some milk out and lure them to you. Keep them all as pets. That’s what I would do, said the crazy cat lady.
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You know, Beth, our two dogs keeping telling me the same thing.
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Ned, you’ve turned your heater on already? But, it’s only October…
Scott, we just need smokeable filters. That would solve that too.
Eric, I’m not sure, but maybe, just maybe, you should seek medical help before a drop of water finds its way onto your pristine counters. Remember, its better to live healthy and avoid getting sick, than to get sick and be forced to recover…
Chris, I keep a secret battery stash in a tool chest on my work bench to thwart the battery eating ways of the junk drawer.
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I live in Oregon, where summer and fall lasts for a total of five weeks. Spring is those three days each year when the lawn is dry enough to mow.
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That sounds terrible. I suggest you move to southern california where fall, winter, and summer are all pretty much the same as spring, except for those three weeks in September when we actually get weather some might consider summer.
Though, having lived here my whole life I can only surmise about the correct attributes of the different seasons based on books and what I witness through the miracle of television. And, honestly, I’m not sure I should trust either TV or books… They are full of lies.
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I’m no geography major, but wouldn’t that mean I’d have to live in California? Sorry, I did my time there 😉
And yes, don’t believe everything you see on TV or read in books. Or learn on the Internet. Or hear on the radio. Or pick up on your police scanner… or….
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You successfully got out?!?
Can you… can you send in a search and rescue party for me?
Whatever my wrongs were in a previous life, I’m sure I’ve paid for them in full, many times over.
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The search party has been dispatched! Shoot up a flare and we’ll find you! Just as soon as we get through traffic.
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This is how my thought process went while reading your comment:
Hooraaaaaa wait a minute.
Crap.
Traffic. I’m doomed.
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Medical help has been sought. None of the drugs have stopped that compulsion, but then there are worse compulsions to have. (Just look at the responses I have got from the ladies in these comments.)
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Now I know where they are…Thank you!
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That would work, too. As long as there aren’t butts all over the place…or butts threatening to ignite my car.
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I have to address Ned first…. You do indeed qualify for sainthood if you AND all 4 teenagers are still alive! ha ha! I confess it is hard to get them through the terrible teens…but mine is 27 and she still hasn’t grown up *sigh* that is probably my fault too…everything else is!
Scott…have to agree with the whole butt thing. I don’t have any irrational fears about gas leaks, but I have seen more than one grass fire start as a result! We are in drought conditions here in Texas and it can be very very dangerous! But I will stay off my soap box about all the OTHER reasons there shouldn’t be butts to begin with! Grrrr! >;-(
OH Eric!! Eric! Eric! Are you single my dear?? Do you need someone to take care of you??? I sooooooo know someone who could us a little of your OCD!! 😉 (it’s not me btw) ahem…really!!
As for doing dumb shit!? Well Chris you do not have the market cornered on that one! I yell at other drivers all the time and then I feel stupid for yelling at them! But I have my blond moments too! (I allot myself one a day..but I usually go over my quota!) LMAO!
Great post….had me giggling from the get go! 😀
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Courtney, I realized a long time ago that killing my teenagers is not the answer. At least not all at once.
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My mother used to say she wanted to pinch my head off! And that she would have killed me more than once if she could figure out how to bring me back to life!! HA HA HA!! I can sooooooooo relate with mine!
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Haha! I’ve told mine I have taken life insurance policies out on all of them, which at least has them wondering…
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Yes, I am single. It has proven safer for everyone.
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Aww…. but you would make such a good
wifepartner to some lucky gal who likes a clean kitchen!! 🙂LikeLike
We could have a yell – off!
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LOL! Yep! We could! I always get scared when I am getting ready to pass someone coming out of a driveway or a 4-way stop and they are looking in the other direction?? I always yell at them.. “LOOK THIS WAY!!” As if they hear me….they usually look MY WAY! Makes me feel SO much better!!!! ha ha ha ha ha!!
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I have seen cigarette butts start mulch fires, too. Lame.
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Ohhh, so now that we find out Eric is a kitchen cleaning freak, all the ladies want him, huh? Well BACK OFF cause I knew him first!
*bats eyelashes*
I alphabetize my spices, Eric. Just sayin’
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Well, you DID call dibs, so if I must, Samara. We’ll discuss compensation later. 😉
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I HAVE had a gas leak in my car, and, yes, I was worried about those stupid butts!
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Yikes! And you lived to write about it?
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Yes, and I got very good at putting the gas in just. right. so it wouldn’t come back out. I dreaded getting gas.
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Yikes! I’m glad you never blew up!!
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Me too! That would have made a heckuva mess!
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No doubt!
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I kind of want to take you all home. Eric, you can have my kitchen. I love it that clean, and I spend tons of my time getting it there, so come one over, *ushers you to the kitchen* and play.
Scott, the green in me has to say that those fuckers take like a thousand years to decompose, so I’m for it. No more butts.
Chris, why is it that when the battery goes out in your remote it’s always AAA when you have AA and AA when you have AAA? Can we not just have a universal remote control battery size for the love of all that’s holy? And origami fingers…well those could come in handy in lots of places.
Ned, I need to hear more about this mouse. And maybe you can explain to me why the twister game always happens just as I’m floating on a dream cloud. Those drunken cat bastards.
Well done, boys. Please come back again. Pretty please!!
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I can explain the twister game to you, Mandi.
Here. Have a cocktail. Aren’t you warm in that sweater? Get comfy…
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*takes drink* it is a little hot in here.
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Mandi, I’m really beginning to think the mouse and cats are working together in hopes of driving me over the edge through heart attacks and sleep deprivation. They probably have a pact with my teenagers. My wife and I have a plan to drive ALL of them away by going to bed tonight and playing naked Twister.
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The only thing I heard was “naked Twister.”
The rest of it sounded like the adults in a Charlie Brown TV special.
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Whaw Whaw Whaw WHAW whaw WHAW WHAW….
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See, Ned. It’s not even fair. Per my irritations, nobody wants to play naked twister with me.
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I don’t know that I’d say “nobody”, Mandi. *wipes dish soap off forehead and grins*
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Therein lies my current singleness problem. All the girls want to take me home . . . to their kitchen. I can clean bedrooms too ya know!!! *cries to the heavens*
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You should maybe open with that.
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It’s advertising, Mandi. If a guy opens with “lemme clean your bedroom, Baby”, we all know what the response will be . . . “Whatever, Sparky”, “You wish, Mr. Clean”, “*gag* *choke* Are you fucking kidding me right now?!?”
. . . but open with “Hey, I can make your kitchen look like it did the day you bought the house” and ya drag me home caveman style.
I choose the one that gets me in the door. 😉
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I’m glad you picked up on the orgami finger utilization. If only…
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The green in you? I feel like there’s a Hulk joke somewhere in there…
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All I know is, Road Rage is a powerful force. I would punch Hello Kitty right in her mouthless face.
And I’ll watch repeats of The Golden Girls before I get up and manually CHANGE THE TV STATION.
What is “origami fingers,” Chris? A friend wants to know.
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You know what really bugs me? Really, really, BUGS me?!
That I can’t reply to your comment in the section of the thread down there (arrow pointing down to where Art and I are hashing out who holds claim to title of Jester)!! What’s the deal with that?
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I don’t know!
I can do it from the dashboard, but that doesn’t help you, does it? Cos it would look like I commented.
But battle away. We get the idea!
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Yeah. Sadly I don’t have access to the dashboard, or the notification section, since I’m being sneaky.
But, I’m not really complaining, because somehow this is working here when it doesn’t work most other places around the ‘sphere. (I can’t even get to my own pages when I’m at work).
So, I’ll take my first world problems and deal with them rationally, in private, with minimum damage to the walls as I throw my electronic devices at them…
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To be honest….I don’t know…
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Totally agree about the butts. I’m a smoker and I NEVER toss a butt out the window or leave it on the ground. Nothing pisses off a non-smoker like leaving evidence of my addiction behind for them to step on or around. I mean, really? Even in my tiny town there are garbage cans placed on the street every 10 feet or so and still there are butts everywhere. It’s just disrespectful of everyone and the litter is so unnecessary. Gaaaahhhhhhh!
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I kinda want to visit TD and throw cigarette butts at him. Just to piss him off.
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When do we leave? 🙂
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I KNEW I liked you!!
TD wanted to leave me creeper messages just to annoy me, as per my pet peeve.
Turnabout is fair play…
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I will give you ebola.
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Interestingly enough, I have not heard from Mr. Ebola this week.
I think we all scared him off.
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Good. At least he has THAT much sense.
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I know!!! ARGH!!!
(What’s the deal with helping Samara piss me off? I thought we were tight. Damn.)
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It’s all in good fun. I’ll supply the butts but won’t be throwing them 🙂 Hey! It’s a chance for a vacation!
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Ohhhhh…vacation is good.
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Yeah yeah yeah… blah blah blah… you know what’s annoying? Being cut out of this ‘what’s annoying’ blog fest because I signed up too late… being the bridesmaid but not the bride… being stood up for the prom… HA! You can’t stand me up for my prom! I never even graduated high school! In your face!!! Okay, technically, I did get my GED… and then managed to pass all the tests I needed to get into the U. S. Navy… because a judge offered me that choice or going into another government- run facility that sounded like even less fun to a 17-year-old long hair with authority issues… and I even managed to qualify for all Navy positions except for nuclear weapons tech on nuclear submarines, and then ended up going into aircraft mechanics because I thought, hey, there is a future there, but no, they put me on helicopter assault ships and there were no civilian helicopter opportunities back then, so I ended up revolting against authority again and can I just say that pissing off the U. S. Government is all well and good up to a certain point, but that it isn’t always clear exactly where that point is… but hey… by all means… do go on about your first world problems…
Seriously, your post was fine… just venting…
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If it makes you feel better, I wasn’t invited to the party either… I know for a fact I’ve been funny at least once in the blogosphere.
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We will start our own blog… the Brother Husbands…. we will show them they can’t push us around anymore… oh… also… you know who says she wants to do the thing… you know, the thing… with the ocean… and the words… and stuff… and that we should start it and send it to her… so yeah…
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Woah, woah wait a minute, you two!
Art my love, you’ve BEEN on the Sisterwives already! We gave some people a chance we hadn’t heard from before!
And Matticus, you troublemaker, you have a whole great big thingamajig coming up here. C’mon now! I promise, we did not leave you out intentionally!
We love BOTH of you very, very much. And the ocean and the words whatever sounds very…deep.
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I was told… by somebody… I can’t remember who exactly… that even though I was being shunned from this particular project, I was always welcome to rant in the comment section… you know, in my capacity as the semi-official court jester and sister/brother/husband/wife thingy… so I did… so there…
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Rant away, love! You are always welcome, indeed.
But I *think* you and Matticus are going to have to slug it out over the official Court Jester thing. Good luck with that!
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I got there first… and I am way bigger than he is… and older, which gets me respect from the young whippersnapper… and, let’s face it, I am devastatingly handsome, so I got that going for me. Also, I am so self-centered that anything he says to the contrary is just background noise.
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Awesome! I’m excited about this brother husbands blog… and that other thing, with the ocean and the words.
And anyone reading this comment that is confused will just have to be patient until the brilliance of this endeavor is revealed to all.
*insert evil laugh here*
buaahahahahahahahahahahaha
(yeah, that’ll do)
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Um….
Hello… I’m Matticus. I live in the Matticus Kingdom (I know, it’s not a very exciting name, but its what I’ve got). And, through a twist of fate, and some clever writing, I AM the Jester! Officially. Its a done deal. I’ve “poured it out” across several pages of the blogosphere as my own unique art… (see what I did there?)
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I am not denying your status as a jester… just your status as the semi-official court jester of the sisterwives blog… because you never actually asked them… and then begged and whined until they gave in. You can be the fully-official court jester to the whole blogosphere and all of the interwebs if you want to self-elect yourself to something that sounds important. That is how I got my job as ruler of all the universes… I self-elected and then rode the wave of low-information voters and low voter turnout. I don’t need to be the jester to the whole world… I am way too busy being hilarious while also making people think, doing just about every kind of art known to man and sharing it with the needy, while still doing all that other stuff I do.
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*doffs jester cap* Well played squirrel man, well played. You’ve won this round.
But be warned, I’ll be watching, and waiting for a moment of weakness to pounce, and take my rightful place.
(That previous statement is a complete fabrication. I barely have time to be Jester in the kingdom anymore. My new role of Daddy is kicking my ass. Your status as Jester is not threatened at all.)
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Well now I feel guilty for giving you such a hard time… and jealous, because my kids are grown up and I really miss having a baby around, because babies love me… and maybe this void in my life is the main reason I fight so hard to be the semi-official anything on this blog… because there was a time that women also loved me… oh yes… they did… and perhaps, to recapture those rapturous days of my wild youthful escapades, I went a little far, and I do apologize for being such a sticky wicket… old chap…
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Your hilarity knows no bounds. You truly are a Jester among … among um… uh, non-jesters? sister wives? I sort of forget what we were talking about.
Anyway, no need to apologize, since I don’t recall what the problem was in the first place. Though, I do request permission to call you sticky wicket from now on. And I insist you call me old chap.
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Yeah… right… you’re bloody well right… you got a bloody right to call me that if you’ve a mind to, guv’. As for the ‘old chap’ soubriquet, I will try to keep it mind, old sod.
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Dear Stoic Widget,
“Bloody right?” Really? What else you got? Blood stains, and I’m already doing too many loads of laundry these days. Do you have any rights that are bloodless?
Sincerely,
Old Chap
aka Old Sod
aka Matticus of the Kingdom
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…ooo000ooo…
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aka Matticus, the once and future Jester of the ‘sphere
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the spherical jester…
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I just feel a need to mention that “Brother Husbands” is a terrible name. How about “Bra Hubs”?
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Uh… bra hubs sound like an extra feature on women’s support undergarments… like brassier bumpers… I think we can do better if we set our minds to it.
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And … I’m not sure that I understand the problem. Do you have an Issue with women’s support undergarments?
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not at all… but I don’t want to start a blog named after them… HA!
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Do I get to weigh in here? I’m all for a blog for the guys, but I’d like to vote against the “husbands” tag. It leaves out those of us that are lucky enough to be divorced and single.
(That’s right, you’re jealous, mf’ers!!)
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We aren’t really planning on undercutting the marvelous wonderland that is the sister wives…
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Problem solved! Instead of Bra Hubs, it could be called Bra Boys!
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Why the hell not?
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that is a good question…
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Dear Eric,
I would like to invite you to come live at my house. You are WELCOME to the kitchen? Do you cook as well, or just clean up? Either way, we can make it work! Also – I know you’ll love this – our house is pretty much open plan. So in addition to the kitchen, you can have the living room and dining room. Yes! No walls – all yours! And, even better, there’s a MUD room! YES! And the pantry and the cupboard full of cleaning materials (many of them still in their virgin state) are in the mud room, so technically that’s also part of the kitchen.
So … when should we expect you?
Love,
Belladonna
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Um . . . You have reached Eric’s blogmail. He’s not here right now but if you’d like to leave a message after the – uh – typewritten beep, he will get back to you at his first convenience. *beep*
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What’s bugging me is that no one asked this dude to participate!
Damn – with all my ranting and raving posts you know me by now.
Also, warm beer. That really bugs me. And when someone wants to share my bacon. Hell no!
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*throws self on floor*
*tears hair out*
Phil! We won’t ever leave you out again!
Um, bacon is overrated.
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Now you’re bugging me!
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All so great! I’m afraid if I run over a lit butt, my tires will melt. I’m all for the ban, TD. Chris, I keep close track of my personal stash of AA batteries ;. Eric, you can come to my place in the Spring for a thorough kitchen clean up. I have a brother exactly like you. He stands behind me while I’m prepping dinner and asks a million questions about what I’ve washed and rinsed with what etc. And Ned, I’m trying to figure out what a mouse’s personal effects are. A tiny suitcase containing wee striped pajamas? A miniscule driver’s license and mini cheese knife? Loved this post, guys! Now, I must read all the comments as they’re equally entertaining.
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Lemme get this straight . . . he stands there . . . while you cook?
Amateurs.
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Actually only during prep so he can make sure the knives, sink and utensils are sterilized and the veg and meat are on opposite ends of the kitchen. LOL.
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Batteries just disappear from my house. I buy them in bulk, but it’s still a mystery as to where they go….battery heaven I suspect.
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This isn’t Stewart Little we’re talking about, Lisa. In real life a mouse’s personal affects are essentially whatever it has chewed from under my dashboard to make a bed, and what I thought was jasmine rice.
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Awww, I was picturing all these tiny belongings to a cute mouse but no. ABC Jasmine rice.
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hahahaha eeewwwwwwwww
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Melted tires!! That’s some Dante’s Peak shit there. I’d take that over my gas tank catching on fire, though.
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Eric I think I love you but first do you wash dishes by hand or in a dish washer?
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Does it matter?
That’s like asking, “is your penis really big, or very big?”
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. . . and Samara, I also have big hands. Talented, strong, hands. Think on that for a while . . .
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I have done both and will do either one. If there is a dishwasher, you can bet it is going to get used. If there isn’t, well then by hand it is.
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So very amusing… nodding, smirking and tickled.
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Our job is complete.
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Finally! Someone who thinks the same thing I do when I see a cigarette butt go flying out the window!
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Great minds!
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Indeed!
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It’s like you’re talking about me. Pass the Fanta. 😉
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I love Fanta.
But how are we talking about you?
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I think I’m a little bit in love with Eric. I’d bake all day if someone would clean MY kitchen like that. Guest room’s empty, Eric…just sayin’.
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I swear you pull the Justine Bieber card just to piss off us really apologetic Canadians. 🙂
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Great posting Chris! Exactly my point with yelling in a car. My ex didn’t share my opinion LOL.
Eric admit, how many mails you got after posting this?
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Not nearly as many as one would think. They all came to my blog, saw my face and just kinda went “yeah, fuck that. I’m not letting that creepy dude in my house.”
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hmmm….. cigarette butts, yea that is pretty disgusting, so also is the smell that lingers in your hair after having been in the car of a chain smoker or after having sat at the bar (back before public smoking was banned) ….. but boy I can really understand the need to light one up especially if you are jonesing and craving and very stressed out… just saying. But all in all public littering of all kinds should be banned.
And Eric I hate it when people clean my kitchen, but I think I would totally invite you over
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You’d totally love it, because I CLEAN, I do not rearrange. My mother does that to me. It drives me bonkers. Bonkerser. Something like that.
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