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I AM HALF MAN
I am introducing this blogger because he has been part of my world since I started blogging over two years ago. His blog is all about him so it would be impossible to follow him and not feel like you know everything about what makes him tick. He is a father to some amazing girls and a very loving and considerate husband. We know these things not because he writes about them but because it comes through in the stories he tells whether he knows it or not.
Arthur will have us believe he is only half a man but he is more of a man than most of the men I know. He does have a very male sense of humor as you will see in this post, but when it comes to being serious he has proven his love of the female gender in some not so comedic ways. Not only does he say some of the most loving and respectful things about his family but he has defended me on the few occasions when my “feminine” ways have been attacked online.
I think this post compliments the idea I presented on Tuesday, we are all feminine and masculine, beautifully. Please welcome Arthur Browne from Pouring My Art Out (PMAO).
HastyWords
I’m not half the man I used to be… but then again, I never was.
The thing is (and there is always a ‘thing’ with me) I consider myself to be half man. I don’t mean I am half a man. I am all man. I am 6 feet 4 inches tall and have size fifteen feet. I have done a lot of traveling, and spent time in some pretty tough places in this world. But I like to think that I am half woman, too.
Maybe I should try to explain myself.
I am very in touch with my feminine side. I am an artist and poet and musician. I write tender love ballads. I sing and play the guitar [and ladies, you really should date a guitar player at least once in your life – they have magic fingers]. Maybe saying that I am half woman is overstating the case, but I truly hope it isn’t. Because my feminine side is what makes me better than men who refuse to admit that they even have a feminine side.
Don’t get me wrong. I have male friends who I love. But there is something about men that makes them… how can I say this politely… annoying. I don’t have the ‘organized sports gene’ for one thing. I couldn’t care less which team of overpaid, muscle-bound meat heads beat which other team of male mammoths. And cars… who cares? You know what I call those big, jacked-up pickup trucks guys love to drive? I call them: ‘sorry-about-the-size-of-your-penis-mobiles’. Ladies, if you drive one of those, I apologize, and I should probably mention that the word ‘penis’ might show up again in this post… a bunch of times.
The truth is, I have always preferred the company of women. Women talk about real things. They show emotions. They are interested in stuff. They aren’t so constrained by training… seriously, guys, why do we teach young boys that having emotions is wrong? I can see how it might have made sense when we were caveman hunter gatherers. It might have freaked the kids out if daddy burst into tears when his hunting trip didn’t pan out. But maybe it is time to rethink that whole idea now.
And we are making progress. Men aren’t as bad as they used to be. We are learning… slowly. We are evolving. But there are a few things I think we still need to work on. There is nothing I find more annoying about men than the way they sometimes talk about women when none of them are around. It makes me ashamed to call myself a man… which might explain the title and beginning of this post… How about a little respect for our lovers, our partners, our friends? And as long as we are on the subject of respect, can we just stop the whole rape thing? Rape is never okay. What part of “no means no” is too complicated for you to understand? Even murderers and gangsters hate rapists… as they will find out when they go to prison (and I hope they do… for a long time). If you can’t sweet talk your way in, you are knocking on the wrong door.
It is complicated to be a good man in modern society. We are supposed to be manly… but not too manly. We are expected to be tough and tender at the same time. And ladies, you don’t make it any easier when so many of you are attracted to the ‘bad boys’. I happen to be lucky in that I am all these things… and more. And the world does need men. It just needs more good ones and fewer bad ones.
I am no scientist, but have a theory about all this. (Okay – I am just making this up as I go along, so I haven’t had time to think this through yet… but let’s give it a shot). It isn’t our penises that get us into trouble… it is those stupid, dangly things that hang around underneath them that cause the problems. There is a reason that ‘nuts’ is slang not only for testicles but also for being insane. Because our nuts drive us nuts. They produce testosterone… and that is what makes us aggressive and accounts for so much misery and violence in the world. It makes us compete for everything, and usually not in a good way. I don’t have an answer to this problem – I am merely pointing it out.
And now, just to mix things up a little, and because I am worried that I might have offended one of my favorite body parts, here is a little poem I wrote… just now… to my penis. (Ladies, consider this payback for that whole ‘vagina monologues’ thing.)
Okay, here we go…
A poem for my penis:
Though you might look like a mushroom
With big, fat, hairy feet
And you really aren’t anything
But a little tube of meat
I’m sorry I caught you in my zipper
In a most unfortunate way
When I tried going commando
You know, way back in the day
You did make high school difficult
I couldn’t concentrate
You were never big on homework
Just all the girls we could date
And when it came to romance, well
You just got so excited
But I’m proud of the fact that you never went
Any place you weren’t invited
Yes, you dragged me on adventures
You were always full of spunk
But you never took advantage
Of a girl who was drunk
Though you may not be impressive
In either length or girth
You did manage to help create
Two of the most awesome people on this earth…
Okay, I feel bad for ending that poem by mentioning my two daughters, but that really is the best thing my penis ever did… so… uh… yeah.
Well, I’m sorry about all this, guys. I felt that I had to pick a side in the battle of the sexes… and I wanted to pick the side that was going to come out on top… so to speak. I have faith in you all. I think we are going to keep growing and improving and learning. Listen to your feminine side. It is much smarter than the other half.
Let me just finish up by saying thank you to the ladies of the Sister Wives project. I am honored to be the semi-official male representative… (and court jester)… of this esteemed blog. I know, you didn’t hold an actual meeting and vote me in, but at least a few of you seemed to humor my notion that I could hold these titles, and I am considering that to be good enough. Yes, I am now calling myself a sister husband… or a brother wife… or something along those lines. Because I love all the women on this planet. In fact, whenever there is an election of any kind, I will always vote for a woman who is on the ballot, as long as she is representing my party, because I truly feel that women tend to take a more emotionally-nuanced viewpoint of things. And they tend to want the world to continue, because they often gave birth, and they want there to be a place for their kids to live after all that pain they went through delivering them. And because women just have more heart.
In conclusion, I would just like to say one more thing:
We aren’t man or woman first… we are… human.
Visit Pouring My Art Out to learn more about Arthur Browne.
“Bio? I don’t got to show you no stinkin’ bio… my whole blog is a bio… my about page says it all… and I have crack squirrels in my head…”
Awe… 🙂 You are amazing dude! Lol!
But why does it need to be a battle of the sexes? We should all learn to respect each other for whom we are. We are human. 🙂 And I loved ❤ this post.
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It isn’t really a battle… but that is a more exciting word to use for competition… and life is a competition… for respect and equality and compassion and love… and stuff.
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That wasn’t half bad, Art!
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Yay… not half bad for half a man is equal to one whole!
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One whole woman?
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right… except the point is that there is no such thing as a whole man or woman… I guess…
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You don’t have to have a point to have a point.
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Thanks for pointing that out.
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Ya done good, Arthur.
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I took the risk that people would get my sense of humor and feel the true emotion underneath the word… thanks.
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Arthur rocks. I love his work, this made me love it even more.
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Thanks so much. Now I need to decide if I should reblog this and change my PG rating…
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I decided to start a second blog so that my first one can remain clean.
That poem is awesome by the way.
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I did another blog… told all the parts of my life I can’t tell here… with photos… but I panicked and took it down. And thanks.
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Okay….THAT is the best penis poem I have ever read. Possibly the only one I’ve ever read as well.
This is a great post!
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I figured that either it would be a huge hit, or I would be forcibly removed from this blog forever. It might still be too early to tell which way it is going to go, but thanks.
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We thought we’d see what happened first, before we decided whether or not we kept it 😉
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Sometimes that is all you can do… like a focus group… which will either turn into a fan club… or an angry mob…
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Yup…before you’re allowed to be unleashed on the world.
Also, you muscling in on my place as court clown, bro? We might have to custard-pie-fight it out behind the Big Top…
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But I already bought the funny hat and pointy shoes…
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I have the curly rainbow wig and the honky nose and the car which asplodes into pieces…do we need a clown-off?
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But everybody knows that all the best clowns are men… HA! Male-chauvinist-pig with sarcastic, disbelieving, self-mocking irony double bonus score!!!
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The female clown is exotic, delectable, unusual and therefore FAR more highly prized – male clowns are ten a penny… :p
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You win… male clown are just creepy…
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I think we should all band together an create an anthology of penis poems. Who’s with me?
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Yeah… because the world really needs to spend more time thinking about those things… wait… you may be on to something… half of them could be written by men and half by women… we might learn something, and get a few laughs.
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See that’s the kind of outside the pants… er I mean box… wait that’s not what I mean. Ah hell that’s the kind of thinking we need.
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We all need to whip out our penis poems!!! It will make a delightful coffee table book… get one for Grandma this Christmas.
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I could have written most of this myself, except for the penis poem. I don’t think I’m up for that. (Pun intended.) But, yeah, so much of what you describe is how I have felt for so long. I have two boys, instead of two girls. They regularly make fun of me for not being a man because I don’t like cars, I don’t fix things, and for so many other reasons. I’d rather sit and write, ponder the stars, try to paint a picture, and learn an instrument than do all of those things they stereotypically believe a man should do. And I marvel that they have bought into those stereotypes having a father who doesn’t.
I’m also disappointed that you are the first sister-husband or brother-wife. I was hoping for that honor … working on the idea for a post for this place. 🙂
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It is always nice to meet another of the enlightened few… that rare band of brothers who don’t care if they are ‘bros’… that being said, and despite my having just posted against the evils of testosterone and the competition it causes… if you try to steal my spot as semi-official sisterhusband/brotherwife and court jester, I will have to challenge you to a duel or just hunt you down like a woolly mammoth… HA!!!
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You and Art have much in common, Mark, in my opinion.
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From one man who loves, appreciates and is often in awe of the women in his life to another: Well said, Arthur. Truly well done.
And I have to say I can’t get that penis poem out of my head… or so to speak…
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To be completely honest, the idea that a bunch of people are going to spend time today thinking about my penis is sort of cracking me up… thanks…
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Ha! If it helps, I’m sure we’ll all be cracking up about your penis together 😉
Really though, Arthur, terrific post.
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awwww….. shucks… and it won’t be the first time my penis was laughed at… sigh…
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Of course that cracks you up Art! I agree with Ned, I think it cracks all of us up!
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Now I’m just another prop comic…
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I am a bit sad I didn’t help you with the penis poem…I have a few ballsy things I could have added…sigh.
Like I said in the intro…you are one of my favorite men and your sensitive side makes you an even better man. Thank you for writing this!
xoxo
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Oh, you… what can I say about you. I was tempted to go a little more towards the sappy, sentimental side in this post… but then the crack squirrels got away from me, and I guess they decided to shoot for funny.
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You are amazing when you are funny and when you are not. Thank you for all those times you stuck up for me.
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You are like the sister I never had… or that I had but lost when I got adopted… and that I have a creepy, unbrotherly affection for…
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Hey… Hasty… read that last reply I did to that last comment… we need to steal his idea and write a poem to our mothers called: words to our mothers!!!
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OMG let’s do it! email me a start!
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I am on it… don’t know how long it will take the squirrels to digest the idea…
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You should read the latest comment I got on my Gender Bender piece on the SW’s. I mean…ummmm… talk about people misunderstanding something.
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People do that… I am doing a post soon about that… sort of…
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and we are having a drunken all weekend reunion party on the comment post… just sayin’…
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I really, really liked you before. But now? I fucking love you. 🙂
Also? That penis poem is brilliant. Thank you for gracing our blog with your awesomeness.
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Thanks so much. I am glad that people are seeing the funny side of this. People get offended about so many things, and I am not good at spotting where the line is.
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Reblogged this on Pouring My Art Out and commented:
WARNING… This post contains bad words… done in a really funny way… and is not intended for children… or anybody who is easily offended… also, it may seem weird that I am reblogging a post that I wrote for another blog, but then again, if you know me at all, you know how shameless and self-centered I am, so it shouldn’t really surprise you…
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You are shameless and self-centered… you bastard…
(HA! Commenting on my own comment about reblogging a post that I wrote myself… Bonus shameless self-centeredness score!!!)
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I like this. I like your honesty and your willingness to be unapologetically yourself, however you may be. I think it’s far more important, rather than to try to define people as ‘man’ and ‘woman’, and ascribe particular traits or expectations to each, to just see each one as ‘human’ and get to know who THEY are 🙂
And yeah…can’t believe you wrote a penis poem…but awesome!
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I have always been pretty good at being myself… and nobody else applied for the job…
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This was brilliant Arthur! I think by sheer size you are more like a man and a half!
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The thing is… (Ha, another thing)… that being big makes it possible for me to not be so competitive with other men, it allows me to be gentle, I have nothing to prove to anyone.
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Yup! Trouble is the other half…
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I have found that most things have more than two halves… mathematically impossible, but still true.
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I love you, Art. You’ve been my bloggy brother since I started. And welcome to the SisterWives family!
I loved this post. I already knew this about you, instinctively. But thank you for articulating it. We need boys to grow up knowing that there’s nothing in wrong with being in touch with their feminine side.
xo,
S
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When I think about my feminine side, I touch myself… (HA!… okay… even I know that one went too far, and I never even see the line… sorry)
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–Dear, Arthur,
I do believe I’m In Love)))!! xx
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Yeah… I get that a lot… I am virtually irresistible… or at least I used to be when I was young when that picture of me at the top was taken with my long hair… now, here is the question… if you love me, and I am half man and half woman… does that make you a half lesbian?
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HAAaaa.
Although I absolutely LOVE & Adore women: their stories, their secrets, their pain, I am still not a lesbian….
…but I do wish men were more like women! Does that make sense? xx
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It makes total sense… that is why I have so many gay male friends… I think…
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Art. Art. Art. That was really funny. I had a boring day and a murderous commute and that made me laugh. Thanks. I had a big, pfat check all written out to send but my wife convinced me to send it to ALS instead because the $88M they raised isn’t enough.
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Uh… I guess I could pour a bucket of ice water on my penis…
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A bucket of water? Maybe a thimble of ice water will suffice.
[ba-dum-bum. I’m here all week. Don’t forget to tip your waitress.]
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Really, you are going to make a small penis joke at my expense and then leave me: ‘tip your waitress’ as a straight line???
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I’m afraid that’s the best I can do at this hour. I’ll aim higher after 3:00 when my caustic wit awakens from it’s peaceful slumber.
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If you aim higher you will miss the target all together… HA!
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Thank you, Art, for writing for us and for sharing a different side of things.
Sisterhusband, brotherwife, welcome to the fold. I’m kind of in love with your penis…poem.
I have four older brothers and am the only girl. I think I tend to lean toward the male side, so I guess you could say, I am half male, which is true because I am half my father who is the sweetest, kindest, most sensitive and emotional man I’ve ever known. I’m okay with football and lots of the stereotypical male things. In fact, maybe being raised in a house of testosterone helped me to develop an appreciation for such things, but to me, the best man is a man who is well rounded and like you, half female.
“We aren’t man or woman….first…we are human.” Or are we dancer? (song lyrics)
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I grew up with three brothers. But I was lucky to grow up in the San Francisco Bay Area where we don’t take gender rules to seriously and we learn about all kinds of different people. And I love women who have a guy-side. You can go camping and not be afraid to get dirty. My daughters are like that. Beautiful but not obsessed with it, and able to do real life stuff. There is a time for high heels… and it ain’t every minute… thanks so much.
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I love your poem. I love your post. That’s all.
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That is enough.
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Very interesting read and viewpoint on being a man in today’s world. Whether we consider ourselves half or all man it’s still a confusing state of affairs nowadays. You women give us such mixed signals we don’t know how to act at times. Guess I’ll just stay a manly man and go against the tide.
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Well… you have the muscles to make that work for you.
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Glad you said all that, feeling much less need to pretend to be ‘manly’ than normal. And I now feel the need to write something about my mother, who I have to say is my hero – or heroine if I must – and has given me so much to aspire to in terms of ‘humanity’ and selflessness that I’ll never equal.
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Uh… maybe I should have written a poem to my mom… instead of what I did write about… but the crack squirrels in my head never ask my opinion… also, I had to reply to your comment quickly… not only because it was an awesome comment, but because when I came back over here, I noticed that this post had exactly 69 comments… and the irony was killing me… (OH man, I am killing me… seriously… I crack myself up)…
Hey Hasty! Did you hear this? We can totally steal his idea and co-write a poem to our mothers… called… ummmm… words to our mothers…
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There’s not much I can say to that! Except here’s another comment to make the numbers up – and that I hope the crack squirrels don’t eat your nuts.
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Thanks… they never bite my balls or nibble my nipples… but they do kick my ass all the time.
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As long as your manhood stays intact.
Here’s an odd but related fact. My dad ‘lost’ his nuts to cancer. He used to enjoy telling people the medical name for the procedure he had undergone. Orchidectomy. Such a delicate word… 🙂
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A flowery name for a deflowering of sorts… sort of…
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Plume tony would have been a better name I think. It didn’t make him any less ‘man’ though. Not even a fraction of my dad was female. He left that to my mum. And maybe since I spent much more time with her I guess I ended up more like her than him. Bless him.
I’ll leave you alone now, but thanks again for provoking the thoughts.
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Thank you for having thoughts to provoke…
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Art!!!!! SHUT THE FRONT DOOR!!!!!!!!! I LOVE this post so much! Your best ASS-etts are shining through in this post. Humor, humor, humor. compassion, humor, crack squirrels, intelligence, craziness, common sense, humor, crack squirrels, creativity, humor, COJONES, humor, wittiness, femininity, COJONES… That is one awesome poem, too. 🙂 🙂 🙂
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Well… that is awfully kind of you… and I can’t argue with a single word…. can I?
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Now it is the challenge, where do we clone you?
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I will have to look into that… it might still be illegal in this state.
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Penis poem… I knew that was a thing. I didn’t know where it was a thing, but it had to be. Well, I admit to full-on semi status at the thought of my bud Art putting this poem to a song. I’m available for back-up vocals and interpretive dance in the video foreground (clothing optional, I hope). Great post, Art, you are an ultra-cool, highly sensible human being, and I love you for writing this (amongst other things, of course). Actually, all of previous statement is true but still haven’t figured out if you are of this earth. Not that it matters. I could totally dig an alien.
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Please stop thinking about my penis, Trent…
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I have a very dim outlook on the penises of men other than you.
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I am touched, honored, and not a little aroused…
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Schmack!
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schwing
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