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Straddling Jesus – The Sisterwives Do Dallas
You know those experiences that you look forward to and create such enormous expectations of, that the actual event doesn’t stand a chance?
The Sisterwives meet up was NOT one of those.
It began when Lizzi, our beautiful Brit, hatched her plan to travel to ‘Murica and meet dozens of beloved online friends. We formed a group to weave an elaborate tapestry of transportation across the states; Lizzi herself the backbone of the tapestry, as she brought together as complex an array of dazzling threads to ever intertwine on a loom.
The Sisterwives meetup was engendered when, as part of Lizzi’s ‘Murican tour, Hasty decided to drive Lizzi to Dallas to stay with Beth and Mandi. Four of the Sisterwives were to be in one place at the same time, why not ALL of us?
Why not, indeed?
On Sunday morning, GG (Gunmetal Geisha), Gretchen and Samara boarded planes carrying far too much luggage, Renee packed commercial strength Glade in anticipation of sharing a bathroom with 4 women, Aussa pondered mainlining caffeine to start her drive to Dallas and Mandi and Beth rushed around, stocking up on necessities. Which consisted of 15 bottles of wine.
At the Dallas/Fort Worth airport, Mandi picked Samara up bearing a sign with her name in the window. Samara was wearing black leather and sweating like a Miami hooker, but she still managed to jump up and down like a deranged hyena when Mandi drove up. After Samara got over the shock of Mandi being even skinnier with bigger boobs more beautiful in person than online, they drove to pick up Gretchen in another part of the airport. Samara managed to contain herself until Mandi’s car came to a slow roll before jumping out and tackling Gretchen, knocking her to the ground.
From there, we all met at the hotel. It was a Hotness Overload.
There were five slightly awkward minutes while we took each other in. Renee and Aussa are much taller than one would expect. GG is a tiny spitfire whose waist you can encircle with your hands. Gretchen both speaks and walks with a Southern lilt. Samara looks like she is trying to frantically beat back death by dressing like a teenager.
First on the agenda – toast to Beth’s book, Order of Seven, winning an IPNE award. Which was a convenient excuse to get schnockered before Happy Hour even began.
The drinks were so strong that several of our faces spontaneously pixelated. Evidently, this is something that happens in Texas.
At this point, there were seven of us – Beth, Mandi, Samara, GG, Gretchen, Renee and Aussa. Hasty and Lizzi were en route from Oklahoma and scheduled to arrive the next morning.
We strolled around downtown Dallas. Happily, we discovered that several of us enjoy violating public property. A true bonding moment:
That evening, we took over the outside patio of the hotel. Nothing like a bevy of sexy ladies to attract attention:
And attract we did. There was repeated talk of a “very deep pussy” and no, we were not discussing a profound house pet.
This new young friend of ours misunderstood Aussa and thought we were “riders,” as in motorcycles, as opposed to “writers.” Whatever. We weren’t hanging out with him for his witty repartee.
He may have gotten just a little too close for comfort as he demonstrated for the ladies how he locates the female G spot. Although Samara looks interested…:
Please note: If you going to celebrate your award winning book, do it with champagne at dusk. Out of beautiful champagne flutes on a lavish hotel patio. With the loyalest and most loving tribe of women ever.
And make sure the person pouring the champagne looks like Mandi:
That night was the night of the Total Lunar Super Bowl Half Time Blood Moon Eclipse. To celebrate, we formed a drum circle and chanted about our menstrual cycles. It all grew into a frenzy as Mandi had some kind of spiritual epiphany and collapsed on the ground, rolling around and speaking in tongues.
Samara joined her on the ground, although later confessed that she faked the experience in order to be able to get in a few feelsies of Mandi’s boobs:
Back in our room, Aussa logged onto her Periscope account so that our resident photographer and filmmaker, GG, could direct a broadcast for Aussa’s stalkers followers. Periscope, for the social media neophyte, is broadcasting live over the internet while responding to viewers comments as posted. It has a distinguished and credible vibe not unlike that of an STD-infested Tijuana whorehouse.
Several thousand viewers tuned in to watch us make scintillating dialogue, certainly not because we called our broadcast “Sisterwives ” and there were 7 hot chicks in a hotel room at 1 am.
Our viewing audience was treated to repeated mentions of Gretchen’s vagina, which apparently, like its owner, speaks with a southern accent. We were treated to late night intellectual discourse by our viewers, namely, “show us your tits!” Mandi sternly redressed these erring lotharios, admonishing them that we are “the new face of feminism – and it doesn’t have tits!”
The next morning, after several of us came to woke up, we lugged our bedraggled asses to the lobby and attempted to resuscitate our brain cells with caffeine. Gretchen, Mandi and Samara regaled Aussa with a three way composite horror story of childbirth and breast-feeding, which they now plan to market as birth control.
Suddenly, Samara let out an Oli Sykes scream, disrupting the entire hotel lobby. Her piercing shriek caused an elderly gentleman checking in at the front desk to lose control of his bowels.
Hasty and Lizzi had arrived! Samara lurched towards them like a blind rhino with an ear infection – and Hasty took off running in the opposite direction.
-We interrupt this broadcast to inform you that there is NOTHING quite like hugging someone you love online for the very first time –
With our group now complete we headed out once more into Dallas.
On the way out, Samara got to work out more of her creepy Daddy issues by snuggling with a rando in the elevator. It would appear that her Daddy fantasy is actually Santa Claus on meth:
As Mandi posted her synopsis on Facebook of who she had groped the night before, it became evident that as much of a religious experience as being rubbed by Lizzi is, nothing compares to straddling her homeboy, Jesus.
Right after posting this, Facebook broke. Coincidence?
We think not.
That afternoon, we learned that alcohol dulls the proprioceptive and vestibular senses in the brain; translated – when you’re shitfaced you get in an elevator and don’t realize it’s not moving. Twenty minutes and 3 dozen selfies later, you realize – holy shit, we NEVER EVEN PRESSED THE BUTTON:
A hot young Italian waiter at a Mexican restaurant flirted outrageously with us, and had no problem with the idea of taking us on, en masse.
Get your minds out of the guitar! By “taking us on,” I meant, having sex with us:
Of course, he only had eyes for Hasty. Ha! Get in line behind everyone else on Facebook, buddy!
After the pillow fights in baby doll pajamas, we all snuggled in bed together:
In the wee hours of the night, we drifted gently to sleep, lulled by the dulcet tones of Beth and Mandi murmuring together as they traded sexy man-pics on their Pinterest boards. “Oh yeah, BABY, look in his eyes! That dude totally wants me to SIT ON HIS FACE!”
All too soon, our trip came to an end. Tired and hung over
still drunk
happy, we made our respective ways home.
The thing is, as awesome as you think people are online, it’s almost surreal when you meet them and they eclipse all your expectations.
Women are not always so charitable to one another. To find a group like this, of smart, funny, talented women – who love and support one another unconditionally – is nothing short of miraculous.
Currently, we are planning the next Sisterwives meetup. We cannot disclose the location as we cannot risk the paparazzi stalking us.
We’re ready. We have nerf guns and nipple pasties packed – and we’re not afraid to use them!
well nobody invited me… sniff…
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Oh, trust me, Art. You are safer this way.
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that is probably true… but I just hate to have deprived you all of the thrill of meeting me… HA!
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There’s always next time.
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yeah there is
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You’d think I would be jealous of all of you, having a blast together. And I am just a little, but mostly I’m so happy that this meet up happened. So many beautiful smiling faces…love it!
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Thanks, Dana. PS – I didn’t really straddle Jesus. It’s a long story.
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HAHAHAHA I am cracking up, straddling Jesus with light up pasties….oh my. I am so beyond happy that Lizzi’s dream not only came true but it was better than any of you could have imagined.
And I’m equally happy no one was arrested 🙂
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Lizzi is so wonderful. And of course, the catalyst who brought all of us together. I love her so hard.
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It was life-changingly wonderful ❤
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You, my friend, are a brave woman! Seriously admire you for taking a dream and making it real. Then paying it forward and making it real for a whole bunch of other women.
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I think I was a catalyst and it was just the perfect opportunity. I don’t feel as though I did anything to pay it forward, as such 🙂
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Reblogged this on That Shameless Hussy and commented:
That’s right! The Sisterwives meet-up happened! We blew through Dallas like Tawny Kitaen chasing a spotlight on the hood of whatshisname’s car! Come give us a read…..
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There was actually talk of doing a Tawny Kitaen. I think I dared Mandi when we say some fancy European sports car outside of the restaurant. Mandi! What the hell? You didn’t rap for us either? I want a do over!
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Well color me jealous. How fantastic. I too have a tribe of chicks that I adore. Lucky indeed! Looks like Jesus had a great time.
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A great time was had by all! If you haven’t met your tribe, I highly recommend it. Surreal and wonderful.
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Luckily my tribe isn’t online. Though there are lots of online “friends” I’d love to meet someday.
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That is quite lucky!
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*waves hi to Kathleen* xoxo
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I’m still pouting that I wasn’t there.
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Me too, Michelle. I must meet you!
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Right? No way I’ll miss out again.
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Ohmygod, if Michelle had been there? I can’t even imagine how epic that would have been! Michelle, next year you’re there if I have to come kidnap you and drug Randy so he doesn’t try to rescue you… Aw, never mind, Randy can come too!
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NOOOOO!!! Randy can’t come. I love Randy. Randy is awesome. But I want you guys all to myself.
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we all are! You were missed, but I know you’ll be there next time!
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Come hell or high water.
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Michelle we’re not doing this without you again! No way!
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And to add insult to injury, you had to meet me instead. Bummer.
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HAHAH…I actually enjoyed meeting you, Scott..I mean, it didn’t totally ease the sting of missing out on the meetup, but it helped. A little.
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Lol, I’m definitely no Sisterwife.
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I’m absolutely joining you in this pouting. 😦 I’m dumb. next time I’ll hitchhike my way there.
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Laurie, Carly, Michelle, and Sandy WILL BE THERE NEXT TIME OR ELSE. It just can’t happen again without you. Period. (if I’m missing someone who wasn’t there I am so sorry – I’m still on my first cuppa coffee…forgive me….)
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YES! We can be vagabonds together.
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Pingback: Straddling Jesus – The Sisterwives Do Dallas! « A Buick in the Land of Lexus
How awesome you guys met and made this happen. Sounds like you had a blast!
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It was a blast! And really, really special. I get all sappy just thinking about it. Thank you Amy.
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I need friends like this!
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I waited my whole life for a group of friends like this. They’re such a special group of women. I can hardly believe it, sometimes.
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This is the best thing on the internet right now.
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Aww! You flatter me! (but I love it)
I don’t know, something tells me the video will top this…
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Never! I tell you the truth.
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You had me at proprioceptive and vestibular. Who even knows those words unless you either have sensory issues or deal with someone who has them? (My son has Sensory Processing Disorder, among other things). That said, I am green with envy at the get together, totally enjoyed following along on Facebook, and am so grateful that you captured the spirit of the visit so eloquently with phrases like “sweating like a Miami hooker.” What a blast you all had!
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I DO have a son with SPD! It’s gotten a lot better as he’s gotten older – or actually, he’s learned to tolerate things better. Also, his central nervous system has matured, so he doesn’t have as many sensory issues as he did when he was younger.
I’m glad you enjoyed the story and the Facebook recounting of it as well! Thanks for reading!
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Sounds a lot like my son. He copes better these days, and same with his central system maturing with age. I’ve also done a lot of energy healing work on my son (I do Reiki) and have had healers work on him. That helps a lot.
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I followed you gals along the entire journey and loved it. This is so so awesome. I can only hope and wish you plan the next one on this side of the map. Northern California wine country is a must and I have wonderful connections 🙂
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Hi FMWC! I just checked out your blog!
I am inspired now, but will probably just make jokes about it since that’s easier than actually doing those things!
Thanks for reading xoxo
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Well I hope some of my food can inspire you 🙂
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Hey Lynda! Yeah, the West Coast is a must! Beautiful area…..and we would get to meet YOU.
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I would be SO super crazy jazzed if you gals headed this way!! Yeah meeting me would be pretty FAB LOL
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Hafta say, vestibular and propriocepive got ME, too. Love it. Glorious write-up of a glorious time.
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I don’t know what exactly you were doing there, but I suspect that the moon turning red that night was somehow your doing. 🙂
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We were having a meetup! That’s what we were doing there!
I want to write something clever, but my brain cells are dull this morning. More caffeine, please.
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Blooooooooooody Brilliant.
I’ve followed this adventure thru facebook, twitter, and blogs.
What a wild, magical ride.
—you are all super models!!
Damn YOU.
xxxxxxx Love & Affection from MN.
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Love you face, Kim! MWA
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I think I heard the shouting and mirth all the way up here. Way to do it up right, you marvelisimo’s. 🙂
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There was plenty of shouting and mirth – even if we had to go over the border into Mexico to purchase our mirth.
Wait, no! That was “meth,” not mirth!
I’m still hungover, I think.
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Ha! Great party, Samara, I can tell. The cornerstone of many happy returns for the Sister Wives. And that’s what makes you all so freaking cool.
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Pretty sure the dude was hopin’ for some “riders.” 😉
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Ha! maybe…..
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Ay, Dios Mio! This is the funniest thing I have read in a real long time! What a hilarious account of your time together. I enjoyed following you ladies while it was happening and love this recap of events. I hope I get to meet all/some of you in the near future! xo
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I love it when you speak Spanish to me *swoon*
If I come to visit will you make me the same appetizers you made for Mark B when he visited? They looked delish!
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Si, bonita!! I’ll make you anything you want!! xo
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ohhhhhh I would LOVE to meet you In Real, BHC. This must happen someday.
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This sounds like the weekend of a lifetime. So glad you all had such a wonderful time 🙂
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Thank you! It was magic. 🙂
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Reading about this ALMOST makes me wish I were a woman so I could be a SisterWife. Maybe I could be a BrotherHusband? Doesn’t really have the same ring to it, though.
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It’s been suggested to us before. By several men actually.
Some have wanted to form a group.
Like Art, up there.
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I wasn’t sure I could love too deeply anyone really. I wasn’t sure I could follow through and actually do more than just drop Lizzi off and drive away fast and furious. In fact, it was so much on my mind that when you screamed “hasty” Samara it literally did make me take off running in the opposite direction. LOL
If it weren’t for Lizzi stopping me and you (SAMARA) pouncing on me I may have made it to my car and all the way home. I am SOOOOO happy I stayed (that I was body slammed between two amazing sisterwives) because I learned you all are – underneath all the glamour, talent, and amazing senses of humor – real. And not nasty girl fight real but genuinely “we all love each other” real.
I am crying writing this because I am ridiculous and I am making this comment all about me but really it is all about ALL of you. My life and view of other women has changed and I owe it to the lot of you that helped me survive a night out without drinking to feel like I fit in.
LOVE ALWAYS….
HASTY
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This made me smile.
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I love you, HastyBear ❤
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awww Hasty. Your heart is so big. I’m so glad you walked through that door despite your anxious feelings. It would’ve been incomplete without you….on top of the fact that we were already missing 4 parts of our whole (she said hole). hahahah MWA OXOXOXO
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Yeah. Jealous. Especially since I have a source for wine-infused ice cream and I deliver. 😉
Your loss.
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STAPPIT JESI! You’re killing me over here in Frisco…otherwise known as land-of-no-wine-icecream *throws self onto floor*
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Then get your butt down here.
Although. ..I *might* be coming to Frisco soon. I have an Ikea trip planned. 😉
I need more bookshelves. LoL
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It’s sooo brilliant this happened – Facebook had me on a constant giggle 🙂 Love what you guys have going on – it makes the world a more hopeful (/ kind of weirder, but in a good way) place to be
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more hopeful and weirder! that should be our sister wife family crest. hahaha Thanks, Sara. xo
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I think I have finally figured out one song for a theme to Lizzi’s whole trip, The Grateful Dead’s “What a long, strange trip it’s been!” But wonderful at the same time!
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Yes! that’s perfect hahaha
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I can’t believe the people that Lizzi’s visit brought together. Strike that, I CAN. Because how amazing is she? I love that y’all got to meet up even though it sucked that it meant those of us here on the east coast had less time with her! Love love the photos!
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It’s okay, Kristi, cuz next goal: giant commune where we ALL live happily ever after. 🙂
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Yes!! Hellz yes to that!
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Clearly, a great time was had by all – with the possible exception of that poor waiter you were all harassing! And I’m going to try that ‘I know how to find your G-spot’ gesture at the next opportunity – I’ll keep you posted about the response I get.
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I think we terrified him, Gary!
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I’m pretty sure this Sisterwives meet-up was on the Mayan calender, wasn’t it? But unlike it’s prediction for the end of the world not actually happening, your predictions of the start of something spectacular obviously came true. And I’m sure it was a red-letter day on the calenders of the Italian waiter, pool guy and Old St. Meth in the elevator, too.
Cheers, ladies 😉
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We’re planning the next one, and I was thinking – maybe YOU should make a guest appearance. Then I won’t have to snuggle randos in the elevator. 🙂
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OK, but if you’re all staying in a one-floor condo I’m going to get suspicious because I’m quick like that… 😉
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That is so awesome that you got together in the flesh and much fun transpired. One of these days, I hope to make it to San Fran to meet up with a few blogger friends. I just need to make time for it to happen.
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Fantastic!! Ladies, you’re all so beautiful. I just loved this post with the pics to go along. Wish I could’ve been there. 🙂 Sweet!!
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I’m sure there’s much more to this story….but I know you want to slow play it and not spend it all in one place.
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I have no idea what that means.
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You know, tell all the stories over several posts instead of telling it all at once. Looks like you all had fun, though.
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#SisterwivesOnFleek
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You da man, woman. That is a funny tale.
Hey, tell me, how do you get FB comments on your post…a photo? Do you know if I can do that with my blog comments?
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Yes, I screenshot them on my phone, and then save the image. And yes, you can do that with blog comments. I have!
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Thanks so much. I’m pretty new at this blog thing. Haven’t really looked into all the stuff you can do.
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All I have to say to this is that next time you’d better all come over and visit Lizzi so I can crash!!
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I would have loved to have been a part of this party. Then again, you ladies might have worn me out!
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