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Your “Resting D*ck Face” Is A Problem
Guys, we need to talk. As a friend and an ally, I feel it’s only right that I bring this to your attention. I want to help you be a better you. I want to make you aware of a problem.
It’s your Resting Dick Face.
I’m sorry. Somebody had to say it. I’m not saying you’re the male Kristen Stewart, but your RDF is putting out some serious vibes and sometimes that makes the rest of us feel… icky.
It’s the face you make when you’re lost in thought. Or concentrating on a task. Or not thinking about anything in particular. Seriously, what are you thinking about right now?
I’m sure you probably aren’t really a dick. I mean, I know a lot of you and most of you are super cool and probably never dickish at all. But your face? Your face is telling another story. Your face is saying ‘eff you while your heart might be saying A grilled cheese sounds good right about now. See, you don’t even know you’re doing it! I’ve seen you break RDF to wave and smile or to engage in pleasant conversation. But mostly? You look like a dick.
I’m not judging you for the way you look. You can’t help the way your face naturally settles into RDF when you’re lost in thought. I get it. It’s exhausting to have to be aware, constantly aware, of how you look. It’s a tiresome 24 hour a day job. But people are watching you. They’re judging how you look.
Mowing your grass and thinking about the beer you’re going to enjoy after? Dick face. Driving your car and thinking about the meeting you had with your boss? Dick face. Cleaning up dog shit in the front yard? Dick face.
You do it all the time.
And I am going to say this as gently as I can. It’s not attractive. You aren’t doing yourself any favors with that sourpuss expression. You really should smile more.
Consider this: attractive, desirable, successful men do not walk around scowling and frowning, sending small children to clutch their mom’s yoga pants in fear. They aren’t Ubering home from happy hour, their face void of expression. No. They flash their I have a great dental plan smile and they wink knowingly. Even if they aren’t the smiley-flashy type they still manage to avoid RDF. Their mouth may be all business but their eyes are saying Dance with me. And if they’re really hot, their eyes are saying that in a thick Latin accent.
You may need to practice. Who knows how long you’ve been putting RDF out there for the world to see? This is going to take some reconditioning. Stand in front of the mirror and experiment with different facial expressions. Practice your smize. It will feel unnatural at first, but keep working on it. Take selfies as you try on different looks. Who cares if you have better things to do with your time? This is your looks we are talking about! I’m just trying to help you avoid that awkward moment when some woman blames your RDF on low sperm count.
I know, I know. Sometimes you just want to be you and not be judged for a hot minute about how you look. Sometimes you just want to be able to be lost in thought. Left to ponder and think without worrying that someone is watching and judging and making assumptions…
But this is the thing. It makes women very nervous when you get all “think-y” on us. We are much more comfortable with you in your Alpha-Male-testosterone-fueled protective mode. Or in your oh my god I want you so bad consumed with desire mode. Those are familiar. They’re comfortable to us. They make us feel good about ourselves. And isn’t that what really matters? All of that serious thinking makes us nervous. Makes us think you’re up to something. So even if you’re deep in thought, just give us a smile, a wink, a sexy sideways glance. We’ll be so swept up in your masculine pheremones that we’ll forgive the RDF we caught a glimpse of earlier.
Sorry if this was a little harsh. Better you hear it from me than from some creepy woman cat calling you on the street. And I don’t want to pile on. It’s bad enough that everyone’s been all up in your “dad bod.” You’re getting flack for developing a beer gut and having the body that naturally happens when you drink copious amounts of beer and eat pounds of chicken wings. It’s not fair that you would be judged and shamed for a littly healthy roundness and be compared to Seth Rogen and Adam Sandler. Eat that hot dog and drink that beer with pride my friend. Tell those haters they can suck…
Wait… what?
You mean people are celebrating the dad bod? You mean college girls are writing essays rhapsodising over your burgeoning belly? Let me get this straight. Dad bod puts you in the D.I.L.F. category? The term dad bod isn’t met with looks of disgust and calls for you to throw on a tshirt and cover that shit up?
*Clenches jaw, spews profanity laced rant. Succumbs to Resting Bitch Face.*
You know, it drives me crazy how the media picks on Kristen Stewart about her expression, even I don’t particularly enjoy her films. This made me laugh so much—thanks for writing it!
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Yes! It is ridiculous, isn’t it? I’m not a huge fan of hers but they tend to pick her apart. Thanks for saying it made you laugh. I always get nervous when trying to do a little bit of satire.
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This is wicked awesome Gretchen! You always make me think and laugh at the same time.
I’m married to RDF dude and I think he’s hot 😉
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Thank you Michelle! Hehee… my husband is often sporting RDF too. I kinda like it. 🙂
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Spot. On. This made me smile (wince might be more accurate) in every direction. Or rather, this made me desert my own RBF, if only for a moment, and contort my face into position of the ladylike, socially appropriate broad I was always destined to be.
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Ha! I love this comment so much! Isn’t it refreshing to allow our inner June Cleaver to shine through? And yes, I’m aware that I occasionally have a RBF. Especially when I’m driving. And I’m not even an angry driver! It is my “I have a few minutes of quiet and I’m allowing my mind to wander aimlessly” face.
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All of this! I laughed and cheered yeah! Through he entire article. Love love love
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Thank you gorgeous! I’ve seen a photo of your RBF and it was totally hot. 🙂
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Awe you are a sweetheart, although I’m not sure my kids like my RBF 😉
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And THAT is the beauty of RBF…
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I haven’t even read this yet and I already love you…..
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Really? Did I have you at Dick Face?
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You did. And you still have me. Beautiful! ❤ 😀
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So, I dealt with the unconscious drooling. Now you start with the dickface? What do you want from me, woman?
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This post is generating the funniest comments ever! I’m glad you took care of that mouth breathing issue, and your RDF is totally fine. Don’t go changin’ to try to please me…
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I, too, enjoy the resting dick face. Sometimes it’s hot. Especially while he is folding my laundry.
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Folding laundry might be the sexiest thing ever. EVER.
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Brilliant… so excellent.
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Thank you Allison!
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This whole dad bod phenomena needs to go away quickly! By the way when is the “resting bitch face” post coming?
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Yeah, the Dad Bod thing is beyond annoying. I would be totally fine with it if it weren’t a huge fat double standard! Ahhh… the resting bitch face post. That actually didn’t even occur to me!
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Awesome wit.
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Thank you Amy!
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Okay… you caught me… the reason I have had a mustache since I was 14 is because my mouth, during the rare moments when I am not using it to say something witty and/or sarcastic, forms a smile… not a nice ‘hey, how you doin” type of smile… a sort of smug, “I know something you don’t kind of smile… I mean, obviously I do know stuff that you don’t know, but I don’t want it to be constantly obvious. I also don’t want people to think I am happy all the time… too much pressure and inherently dishonest to boot. My ‘stache’ solves this problem by covering the corners of my mouth. Also it made me look old enough to buy beer when I was 15… so…
Also, I want to do a post here… you know you want me too to… so let’s work something out. I don’t care what it is about. Give me a topic or let the crack squirrels go nuts. You want me to slam men, I will. You want me to point out that some of us aren’t that bad? I can do that too. Build women up? No problem. Point out the fact that some women are just bat-shit crazy and aren’t necessarily the best spokespeople for your sex, I am sure I could come up with something…
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Art, I’ve tried to grow my ‘stache out to cover my bitchy expression. But I still get dirty looks? Go figure…
And you know we’d love to have you write for us! Send a submission in (tab at the top of the page.) But don’t give us what you think we want. We want whatever is burning inside of you. And we like funny too! Send something in and if it fits we’ll run it and sing it’s praises! Dig deep, Art. This ain’t no place for shallow diving. 😉 (Not that you shallow dive… errr… I’m sure you’re a really great diver and swimmer…)
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I have size 15 feet… I can swim alright…
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I laughed through this post! I still love my RDF though, sorry, I’m too lazy, my “smize” is earned
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Haha! Thank you! It makes me so happy if I make anyone laugh! And wear that RDF proudly, my friend.
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All I have to say is that you are so amazingly gifted at writing. You GET all the things and RBF and RDF are two things that truly deserved to be on equal footing with each other. I laughed. I Tweeted. I shared.
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You are so awesome and so sweet. Thank you so much… and yes to equal opportunity for the bitch faces and the dick faces! Equality for all! 🙂
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OMG I LOVE YOU. This is a thing of beauty
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I freakin’ love you too.
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YES!!!! Every bit yes – this is fabulous.
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Awwww, thank you so much!
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Gretchen – you’re a satirical genius. I LOVE IT.
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Thank you girlie! MWAH!
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I imagine you have seen this video:
for “Bitchy Resting Face.” It touches on what it calls “Resting Asshole Face” (for men) also.
I have major “Resting Dick Face.” ‘Course, I’m unhappy a lot, so it’s real, I guess, ha ha.
This post was so well done that the corners of my mouth actually turned up a little–OUCH!
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I have heard of that but I didn’t actually watch it. I just read that the video is what started the whole expression. I didn’t let myself watch it because I’m weird about seeing too much when I’m writing on a subject. If I have thoughts in my head I don’t want to be influenced by what others are saying. But, now I will go watch it! I had no idea they talked about Resting Asshole Face… damn. If I’d seen that I would have abandoned this post.
I’m so glad I (almost) made you smile! Though I’m sorry that your pleasure was accompanied with a little pain… 🙂
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I’m very glad you hadn’t seen that video already, or we would’ve missed your post.
I have “resting dick face,” terribly, though a lot of times I’m just genuinely unhappy or irritated or displeased. Back when I used to talk to her, my ex-wife once told me that the expression on my face discouraged people from talking to me. Guess I’ll have to practice in front of a mirror.
If we all think we shouldn’t write because we think it’s already been done, the world would miss a lot of good stuff, wouldn’t it?
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This is hilarious, Gretchen! My husband and I were just discussing my 19 year old daughter’s Resting Bitch Face!! She often looks disgusted, bored, angry and ready to kill you – yet she may just be thinking about what shoes to wear. How do I send this to her without her getting really mad! LOL. We’ve told her but she says she can’t help it. I wish she would practice in front of a mirror. 🙂
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I totally get your daughter. I really do think some people can’t help it. A lot of it has to do with the shape of your mouth and the angles of your face. Look at it this way, that RBF will scare away plenty of assholes, so maybe it’s a good thing?
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In fact, I might train my daughters to do RBF before they go off to college. 🙂 My older daughter has earned the name Grumpy Cat in our house already so I guess she’s half way there…
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Good point, Gretchen! I think everyone is too afraid. I am constantly telling her to smile which I am sure annoys the heck out of her. Poor thing. 🙂
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As someone who suffers from RBF, I found this to be hysterical. And yes, I’m also aggrieved with the double standard between dad and mom bodies. How did that happen?
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I don’t know??? I blame that college girl who wrote the essay. Damn her! We just need some hot 25 year old to write a viral blog post praising the mom bod…
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My Hubs has the RDF the minute he walks in the door after work. Only two things can get rid of it—either beer or sex. Not necessarily in that order.
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Hehehee… yes, there’s always a way to turn the RDF into a smile, isn’t there? 😉
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This is fantastic. And I kind of feel you three in the Latin accent for me. Thank you. You are a rock star!
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I mean, how else could you hear “Dance with me” in your head? Any other accent wouldn’t feel right. Maybe an Italian accent? Maaaaybe. Thank you sweet girl. ❤
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Great. xo
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Thank you Lisa! xoxo
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I am 100% guilty of this! It’s a running joke between me and my gf, “It’s just my face!” When I try to spend extended periods of time with my face formed differently, in a smile perhaps, it feels very unnatural, I’m doomed forever
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