Tags
Slaying My Green-Eyed Monster
When our air conditioner broke, we had to turn the air off for a few hours. It happened to be one of the hottest, most humid days Chicago has seen in a while. As I was coming into the house from outside, I felt the cool relief of our well-insulated home. The humidity was gone and the temperature felt lower.
Shortly after coming inside, I went down to the basement to help my boyfriend fix the air conditioner. Not 30 minutes later, I walked back upstairs to grab something, and was hit with a wall of hot and stuffy air from the exact same space that was cool less than an hour before.
The temperature hadn’t changed drastically. There was no rapid rise in humidity. But coming to that same middle ground from the opposite end of the temperature spectrum modified my perspective. I felt that the temperature was warmer because I was experiencing it from the cold angle while earlier it felt cooler because I had experienced it from the hot angle.
Shortly after experiencing this weird body temperature thing, my brain started connecting some crazy dots. That same physical change in perspective can be applied to emotional perspective. It was an analogy that physically made sense to me. And there are so many other ways to consider how your perspective affects your life.
The same situation can be completely different for two people or even the same person at a different time in his or her life. It all depends on our current perspective.
I used to get ridiculously, unequivocally jealous of other people. I coveted what they had, whether it was more blog followers, a book deal, money when I was broke, a relationship when I was single, vacations, etc. My jealousy held no bounds. I would think horrible things, like why can’t I have that? or I deserve that; why is it theirs, not mine?
My green-eyed monster was uuuuuuugly. I hated her, but I didn’t know how to slay her. I knew I was in the wrong, but for the life of me couldn’t make it stop.
And then one day, it hit me over the head like a pile of rocks. It was recent, and I’m ashamed to admit how recent. But it was something the unbelievably beautiful Samara said. At the wrong time, her words may have gone completely over my head, but at the time she said them, I was in a very solid place. I was surrounded by strong, brilliant women who were supporting each other. It was after I began really reading a lot of deep, heartfelt essays that put my own world into a different light. I had a new perspective and didn’t even realize it had happened.
So when Samara said something along the lines of, Why does anyone feel the need to compete with each other? We should be building each other up. There is enough success for all of us.
And oh my God did that resonate through every fiber of my being. It made sense on such a deep and powerful level, that I began to see more clearly the way to remove that green-eyed monster from my soul.
Even further still, the aphorism, “a rising tide lifts all boats,” which is often used in reference to economic changes was mentioned countless times this summer in reference to the writing community I call home. If we support each other, cheer each other on, help each other out, we are a part of the tide. And this can be applied to any aspect of your life.
We can all slay our green-eyed monsters.
Does this mean I never get jealous? Of course not. I’m only human. But I can be jealous without releasing that ugly kraken from within me. Instead, I try really really hard to isolate those twinges of jealousy before they overtake all of me.
When has your perspective changed how you react or respond to a situation? How do you battle jealousy? What inner-demons are you fighting with?
Yay! Chrissy! This is awesome! We shouldn’t be tearing each other down, either openly or behind the scenes. While I can’t pretend I’ve never been jealous or angry, you are right – there is room for all of us. I’m so glad you joined us. ❤
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank you, lovely lady! I’m glad I joined you as well! This is a beautiful place to be surrounded by strong, talented women.
LikeLiked by 1 person
OHMYGOSH I love this. It’s so hard not to compare and get envious and bitter. I think it’s human to feel these things, but exceptionally human to understand these feelings are unproductive and toxic, and not even a little necessary. Great post, Chrissy!
LikeLiked by 4 people
Thanks, Beth! Between conversations with Brian and reading about so many people’s lives in the blogging world, I’m really loving the informal study of human nature.
LikeLike
There is endless room, we just don’t tap into it enough. You get it, got it, right here. Bravo!
LikeLiked by 1 person
So so so much room!
LikeLike
I understand this implicitly. Thank you for writing about this subject because I needed the reminder. 🙂 XXOO
LikeLiked by 2 people
I’m happy to share my experiences, especially if they can help remind us all to be a little bit kinder toward each other.
LikeLike
Wow. I feel really honored that something I said made an impact on you. Because you’re someone I really admire, and strive to be like.
Of course I’m jealous sometimes; how could I not be? I’m surrounded by such talent and success. But I love to let it inspire me. And I love the feeling of celebrating my friend’s successes. It’s a glorious, uplifting feeling.
Thank you for writing this, and for mentioning me. It means more to me than you know. I love you. xoxoxo
LikeLiked by 6 people
You are a very wise woman, my sweet friend! I love being inspired by those around me. It’s such an amazing thing. I sent a pitch to a fancy site today because so many others have inspired me to do what they do. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Jealousy is human. So, so human. But most people tend to share the best of everything. We often have no idea what goes into a small success or how much failure is piled on top. It’s easy to see the reported result and wonder why we can’t have those things……….I struggle with this issue almost every day. But almost everyone deserves to reach the stars.
LikeLiked by 3 people
You are so right. We see the best of others and all of ourselves and feel lile we come up wanting, when truly we may be in a similar or different space altogether.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I decided to call jealousy a choice when I was around 17. I made myself believe it: “It’s a choice. I don’t have to feel this way.” I works. But every so often, I have to remind myself.
LikeLiked by 5 people
That’s aweome. It took me twice as long to make that decision, but I finally feel lile I got there. And I’m quite sure I’ll have to remind myself again.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I really admire this post, by the way, Chrissy.
LikeLike
Thank you GiGi 🙂
LikeLike
So beautifully said Chrissy. Jealousy is a lying bastard. We all struggle, we all have wants and desires. And we all get jealous from time to time. For me, personally, the more I encourage and celebrate other’s successes the less envy I feel. I still get jealous. But the more I’m surrounded with talented and supportive strong people, the less I feel that ugliness creep in. And it’s what SisterWives is all about, lifting each other up, celebrating others and loving each other. Together we are stronger. I’m so glad you’re here.
LikeLiked by 4 people
Awww yay! I’m so excited to be a part of this beautiful group of women.
LikeLike
This is so true, Chrissy. Samara is a beautiful person. It doesn’t surprise me that something she said could alter a negative something to a positive something. 🙂
I struggled with jealousy of my younger sister for a short time. She had accomplished more than me in a much shorter time frame & my family felt the need to rub that in my face. Still, I should have been happy for her rather than comparing her triumpths with my own life. Although we are alike in a lot of ways, we’re two completely different people that grew up in different households, & I should’ve taken that into account.
Reading this just made me want to call her too. 😀
Thank you for your bravery in sharing this. Not everyone can admit their faults. ❤
LikeLiked by 3 people
I understand that completely. I was jealous of my brother for the longest time partially because I felt my parents were tougher on me, because they knew I could handle it…and I knew he could too. If that makes sense.
LikeLiked by 1 person
It certainly does.
LikeLike
I totally related – I’ve been coming into the same realization – there’s room for all of us. If you’re not there yet, try harder. Learn. You’ll get there.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Yes! Exactly. The learning.
LikeLike
I am battling that particular demon in my own life currently. I compare my life and my struggles to others’ and I always come up wanting. It is a difficult thing to admit, as it is SO UGLY, and I am definitely ashamed of it. Very few people see that side of me. I am trying to focus on appreciating the things I have, being grateful. I am trying to make positive changes in my life (change what you can, etc). And I’m just fading, it seems.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I think focussing on the good things and the parts of life you’re thankful for is a really good start, and worthwhile doing anyway, but particularly if you’re battling envy.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I know exactly where you’re at right now. I’ve been there. It can feel so cruel and ugly. Positive changes are a great start. Try to find a small community of people that have similar goals and aspirations as you, where you can feel comfortable talking, building each other up, and holding each other accountable. If you don’t have one, you can always create one. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
That’s what I’m trying to do with my blog right now! Not sure how to do it but I’m trying 🙂 Thanks!
LikeLike
Yay!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I agree with you and Samara. I always said that should all be helping each other, not competing against each other, and that’s how I got cut from the Olympic team.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh no! You would be on my Olympic team 8n a heartbeat.
LikeLike
With success (literarily/financially/achievementilily/whatever) GREAT- I’m there with the cheerleading and cartwheels and sparkles thrown around, because I’m in a place where I’m not materially desperate and I’m just happy when my people succeed. I want that for them, and I want them to know I support them.
But now I’m gonna piss you off by nit-picking. Because there are nuances and I’ve experienced both of them.
Envy yes, because I’ve wanted things which other people have had (usually children and ‘that’ family life) but I’ve never wanted to ruin what THEY had – I just wanted it for myself and wished and hoped I could have it, and had to deal with it being taken from me and broken in so many horrendous ways that it hurt so bad to even hear about the next friend being pregnant. Words of congratulation would freeze in the back of my throat, suddenly poisonous, and I couldn’t say them. I couldn’t hold new babies or celebrate with them. I cried lots because I wanted it for ME.
Alas. Whatever. Onwards and upwards.
But JEALOUSY – the desperate, insecure clinging onto what we have, and the not wanting to share it…it doesn’t happen with ‘stuff’ for me – it happens with friends. Absolutely the most precious commodity I have is the love of my friends, and because I still think I’m not worth shit, I am *terrified* when I perceive something (or, more likely, someone) who might jeopardise those relationships. So jealous. And it’s horrible. I get needy and clingy and utterly desperate, imagining being discarded and left behind for someone far innately better and shinier and more robust and just…a better person than I could ever hope to be. And I haven’t worked out how to apply your water analogy, or Samara’s words, to that yet. But I know I need to, because it’s repulsive.
LikeLike
You didn’t piss me off, but…while the original, formal definition of jealousy is to feel an overwhelming protective guard over those whom or that which we care about, informal language has brought jealousy to also mean coveting what another has, or envy. So much that it is now noted, in the very least, in the Merriam Webster dictionary. 🙂
Aaaaaanyways, I totally know that protective feeling and often feel it most with my very closest friends. I still have trouble with that one too, though I’ll admit that bringing the extra people on as my own new friends helps tremendously.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I think I got caught lately as I ran into an issue where I felt plundered. It sucked and I was pathetic and petulant about it.
Merriam Webster sounds Murican. I’ll check the OED, dahling, but am happy to stand corrected (that said, the OED now has ‘YOLO’ and ‘selfie’ so I may have to downgrade it to MW levels of respect…)
LikeLike
If you ever need to talk, I’m here, girl. Hahahaha Merriam Webster is totally ‘Murican!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks. It was sucky but I’m okay now. I think. Mostly. And thanks. And RAZZZ to your Murican dictionary 😉
LikeLike
I love this. I’ve recently become IRL friends with some ladies who feel very similarly – both want to lift up women and empowerment. Therefore I’m finding this super meaningful, thank you!
LikeLike
That’s awesome to have IRL people who can support each other!
LikeLike
I have been struggling with this myself — after visiting my super successful older sister and her equally successful (and handsome) husband. As we were having dinner, they were talking about retirement and how they would each be getting two retirement checks from their military and civil service. My sister said, “We won’t even need social security.” She wasn’t bragging — they were just having a simple discussion together, but suddenly I was horribly envious. She seemed to have everything I didn’t — a happy marriage, a husband who adores her, a lovely new home, a great paying and prestigious job, the ability to travel often to wonderful locations, and no financial worries for the future. My sister and her husband worked hard for their money and I don’t begrudge them for having it — but as I compared their lives to mine, I fell short. After a couple of weeks of feeling sorry for myself and my lot in life, I happened to read some great blog posts that friends had written that seemed to discuss this very thing (like this one) that offered some great insight. I’m now making a concerted effort to focus on the now, the things in my life that are going well, and practicing gratitude. It’s helping.
LikeLiked by 1 person
It’s amazing how much reading what other people have to say can help and positively affect us! Thank you for sharing your story here, Jana. It helps to know we’re not alone.
LikeLike