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Sex, Writing and Rock & Roll
You know when it’s good.
The hairs on the back of your neck stand up. Your skin tingles with excitement. Your head is buzzing, humming with anticipation. You feel everything with increased intensity. You feel alive. Electric. You don’t want it to end. The intensity of the moment washes over you, leaving you exhilarated. You savor the moment… sweet relief.
Yes, it was good. You found it, that sweet spot. Everything just flowed. It was effortless. It was just… right.
With a deep sigh you close your laptop and tell yourself you’ll edit another day. When you’ve come down from your high.
These are the moments a writer lives for. It’s the moments when passion and feeling take over. You’re not writing with your mind. Your soul has opened up and laid itself bare. Sacrificial bits scattered on the floor.
There’s a piece of you pulsing in the words that are strewn across the page. Sometimes it’s something you didn’t even realize was there, buried deep inside of you. But it found it’s way to the surface.
And it feels amazing. Today, you made something.
Great writing. Mind blowing sex. Amazing art. Soul shaking music. They are all generated by the same thing…
Passion. Unhinged, fire-breathing, life-affirming passion.
These are the things we live for. The things that only see the light of day when we let our guard down. The things that we replay in our mind. The things we relish and savor and hold close.
It’s these things that we’re constantly seeking. Whether we’re aware of it or not. We want to feel, to be inspired, to be moved. It’s an unconscious quest as we trudge through life. In the midst of the obligations and the day to day, we’re all looking for that spark. We’re all looking for something more, something to give us hope or joy or purpose.
But sometimes… sometimes it gets stifled. Sometimes we worry about the outcome. We get mired down in the what if’s and the what will they think’s. We try to fit into a formula or something akin to “acceptable.” And that’s where we lose it. That’s where we fold submissively and passively into the faceless crowd. Another voice muffled in the din.
Fuck that noise.
If you’re looking to fit in or repeat something that’s been done time and time again, don’t even bother. There are plenty of you to be had. But know this, the world is borne of rebels and misfits. Avant gard and anarchy. These are the planters of the seeds of change and progress and the acquiescing is better left to the followers. These are the things people yearn for. Why give them stale when you can give them fresh? Why give them predictable when you can surprise them? Why give them bland when you can give them something that curls their toes? Why give them Top 40 when you can give them a whole new sound?
Cause here’s the thing… they can be amazing. These things that we seek. They are the things that can turn your world upside down. Or they can be just… there. Stagnant and stale and… yaaaaawwwwn.
We’ve all been there. We’ve witnessed or been exposed to things that inspire us. Or we’ve been eagerly anticipating, only to be left wanting. Let down with a dull thud.
Last year I witnessed it on a grand scale. A stark contrast of lethargic apathy and engulfing intensity. Lana Del Rey was due to take the stage on day two of a weekend music festival. As the sun was setting, people were anxiously crammed up against the concert barriers. Anticipation was thick in the air. As we were waiting for the show to start we watched fans being carried out by security. Victims of the late summer heat and too much excitement. I’m not a big Lana fan, but I was looking forward to the show. The energy of the crowd infected me and had me buzzing.
Lana took the stage and humbly took in the adulation as the crowd erupted into screams and excitement. She took a minute to thank the crowd and blow kisses and mouth sweet sentiments to her fans. And that was the last real moment of her performance. The rest was just… there. It was scripted, every movement, every word. Right down to her lighting a cigarette in the middle of a song. The crowd became more quiet with each song. You could feel the audience deflating and almost hear the whoosh of energy evaporating like a puddle on a summer sidewalk. We left mid way through her set in search of a cold beer and another band.
But the night before? The night before had been one of the most electrifying performances I’d ever seen. Jack White took the stage and immediately ripped a song to shreds. The large crowd grew as the night raged on, the energy had the crowd jumping and singing in unison. It was raw. Real. Gritty. Everything you want a live rock performance to be. Jack White lost a little of his mind on that stage that night. And whatever demons he was exorcising were played out in fierce and glorious fury. By the end of the show I was euphoric. My feet and legs ached from moving to the music. My voice raw from singing and screaming. I was intoxicated by the show. I didn’t even have my typical post-concert blues. I was riding high on witnessing and feeling something rare and beautiful.
Sweet jesus, when it’s good, it’s so good. It’s transports you. It invigorates you. Leaves you breathless. It leaves you wanting more. Needing just a little more.
But when it’s bad? It’s excruciating. Tedious. Boring. Anticlimactic. You stare at the ceiling waiting for it to be over or you check your watch or you skim a page without even reading. It’s not worth the time or the effort. I can’t dance if I’m not into a song. I refuse to finish a book or an article or a blog post if it doesn’t grip me. I can’t stay in a relationship once I know it’s done. The idea of putting time into something that doesn’t excite and entice is almost repulsive to me.
I’ve never been good at faking it.
Because there’s nothing worse than something that should be earth-shaking being ho-hum. The let down drops you hard and fast, startling you into frustration and agitation. The lack of stimulation singes your senses. You’re left with the mundane. A Lana Del Ray on quaaludes shuffling lifelessly through lackluster songs. Yet another Katy Perry song on the radio. A detached lover who goes through the motions. Disappointment and dissatisfaction step in where thrill and excitement should have been.
Sex and writing, art and music… when driven by passion they reach down into the deepest parts of us and awaken feelings we forgot we had. They make us feel completely, blissfully alive. They leave our mouth open in slack-jawed wonder. And it’s glorious and beautiful. Otherwise, why do it?
Why do something worthwhile if it’s going to be flat. Formulaic. Boring. Who has time for that? I’ve no time for flat sex, boring art or tired music. I want to scream out, to be challenged, to feel music and words and touch coursing through me and firing up the parts of my brain and heart that hunger for something real. I want to be challenged and to think. I don’t want to be humored or placated. Don’t tell me what I already know.
I want to see people alive. Diving head first into the unknown. Exploring new waters. Fearless and free.
So don’t hold back. Find your passion. Dig for it, search for it and let it loose. Unleash it and throw away all doubts of failure or condemnation. Write free. Make art that no one has ever made before. Compose a song that will save the souls of the hurting. Whatever it is that you do, do it fully and wholeheartedly. Speak your truth. Say the words others don’t dare say. Let go of inhibitions and fear. Allow yourself to be and do what it is you were put here to do. Wreck yourself with abandon. Let your skin ripple into a million bumps of pleasure. Whip your hair around and let them all think you’re crazy. Let them think it. Who cares? Because you are alive right now.
Whether you are making art or making music or making love, do it so that you feel alive. Skeptics and critics and naysayers be damned. Don’t water it down. Don’t temper it. Don’t try to dump ashes on your fire. Some may balk. They may judge or scorn. Who cares? They’re just scared of the heat. Not everyone can handle the real and the unrestrained. That’s ok. You’re not doing this for them. You’re doing it because you need it. It satisfies your need for something more than a mundane and predictable life.
Let them have their simple and safe.
You weren’t built for that.
You were built for passion.
“Can’t stop the spirits when they need you,
This life is more than just a read through.”
-Red Hot Chili Peppers, Can’t Stop
This is exactly what I needed to hear today. Thank you, Gretchen, for writing with passion. Always. And for giving me wordgasms every single time I read your work.
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I’m blushing Mandi. But also squealing with delight that I give you wordgasms. If I still smoked I would light a cigarette and share it with you right now. ❤
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Having read this I now need a cigarette.
Beautifully written and SO TRUE.
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Awww, thank you Vince! Reading and writing this didn’t necessarily make me want to have a cigarette but you mentioning it is kind of triggering a craving! 🙂 I might have to sneak one… But thank you for you sweet words.
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I was meant to be giving up today. Then Stuff Happened.
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WRITE FREE!
That’s been my motto for my blog since I began it. It’s my place to live out the passionate rebellion that I used to live my life with.
I’m still a fiery rebel at heart. Just dialing it down a bit, while I raise a kid. Thank you for reminding me to look for that kind of passion in ways that won’t land me in jail.
xoxoxo
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YOU, my dear friend, always write with passion. It’s one of the reasons I’ve always been drawn to your writing. You never phone it in. Ever. I LOVE that about you. Among other things. Thank you my sweet. ❤
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Excellent passion. Writing safe will appeal to more people, but writing something different, something unusual, something perhaps even more difficult will appeal to more interesting people.
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I’m kind of freaking out that Jessica Bell is commenting on my blog post. And actually freaking out because this is super creepy. 🙂 But thank you. Thank you for reading. And please don’t f*ck with me and turn me into a mental patient and then… you know….
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So very true and wonderfully expressed, Gretchen. The phrase “Can’t stay in a relationship when I know it’s over” really resonated with me because it can apply to all we do —our relationship to the music we hear, the people in our lives, the job we have, the writing we do — it’s ALL relationships. And like any relationship, each can either lift us higher or drag us down.
I could feel your passion in this post.
If I smoked, I’d take a long, satisfying drag from a cigarette right now…
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Thank you Ned! And yes, yes. You are so right. I have felt it most acutely in romantic relationships. Where someone would do something as simple as try to hold my hand and it would make me want to crawl out of my skin because I just didn’t feel that way any more. And I’ve been known to abruptly end a toxic friendship or two. I think your comment just helped me figure out why I do it in a way that leaves people shocked. You didn’t know you were doling out free therapy here today, did you? 🙂
And everyone’s comments are making me really jones for a cigarette right now….
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This was AMAZING. I just can’t even say much else it was that good 🙂
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Oooohhh, thank you so much Hasty. I hope you know that that means a lot coming from you. ❤
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Beautiful! Best thing I could have read to start the day. Oh, and I’m following you. 🙂
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Thank you so much Sara! I’m glad this started your day off right!
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Thank you, Gretchen. Amazing. Inspiring.Just…fuck, ya!!
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Hehehee…. thank you Lisa.
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Oh man… for a minute there, I thought I was going to have to learn to have sex while playing the guitar and singing my original songs as I finished writing book four of my action/humor science fiction series of novels…
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You’re crazy Art. But I love that.
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yay
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I mean, not that couldn’t do all that at the same time… because I am awesome like that… (HA… and bonus points for the shameless plugs in my above comment… oh, yeah)…
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Oh hell, just go ahead and tell us the title of your book. In fact put the link to Amazon… 🙂
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well, all my books, including the self-illustrated children’s book, are right there in the sidebar of my blog… with a link to how to get them… I mean, I’m shameless… but I have my pride… sort of…
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Seriously… and I am pretty sure I have already done posts about how writing… and blogging… and all the other kinds of art I do… are like sex… but this was particularly well done… and now the crack squirrels in my head are bouncing around… and this might well inspire another attempt at something similar… or maybe not… they are crack squirrels… how the hell should I know what they are going to do next?
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If the crack squirrels do decide to write about it you need to let me know. I don’t want to miss the crack squirrel sex/art/passion post.
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I will be sure to do that. I remember I wrote a funny post about how dating and blogging are pretty much the same thing.
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You speak directly to my soul today. This! 😀 Outstanding.
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Thank you Serins. What a beautiful thing to say.
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There’s nothing worse than ho-hum, that’s for sure. Vibrant post, loved it. 🙂
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Thank you so much Rara. That means a lot to me. ❤
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Your writing definitely got my blood flowing! It made me want to write, to create, to make my words bleed from the page (or screen)… I LOVE your passion!!!
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Oh wow. That is amazing! And that’s one of my favorite writer-ly phrases, bleeding on the page. Thank you…
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Fucking hell. This is amazing. I love you.
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When you say fucking hell to me I get chills… thank you. I love you too. *insert awkward hug*
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I thank my friend Need for sharing your blog with us. I am inspired!
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Thank you, C! I’m glad you stopped by!
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Absolutely love this. Powerfully written. Yes, yes, yes! (To quote Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally) Thank you for the (not so) gentle reminder.
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Ha! I was waiting for the “I’ll have what she’s having” reference! Thank you!
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AUUUUGH I’ve been waiting ALL DAY to read this. I’ve seen furore, and been STUCK. It was worth waiting for. Really lovely writing.
Maybe one day I’ll feel it. I’ve spent too long being ‘meh’ and trying to get life out of flatlines and jangled, broken things. Not really sure where to start. Even writing is gone. There’s a tiny bit of poetry left but that’s all.
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Your writing is not gone, my friend. Neither is your passion. You live every day with passion and seek to do good every day. And yes, you’ve been tangled up in life as of late but you’re pulling out of that now. We all have times when the writing doesn’t come to us. That’s normal. Amazing things are going to happen for you and because of you. ❤
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Well, we’ll see. At the moment I just need un-painful things to happen 😦 The writing’s back though 😀
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As inspiring reminder to stay true to yourself, and to your vision. Gorgeous, darlin! ❤
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Thank you my beautiful friend. ❤
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Thank you Gretchen. I have a tattoo on my wrist that I got after getting out of a 15 year relationship… It’s partially a reminder to not squander the decision. To not look back five or ten years from now and think “if only”.
I have lived my life with that attitude and some days it’s terrifying and other days it hurts…but I’m living. And writing about it. And it feels amazing 😀
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And it is terrifying. Allowing ourselves to feel, to care, to risk. I’m glad you’re pushing through and writing and doing what you need to do to feed your soul. Thank god we can write about it, right?
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*** don’t hold back. Find your passion. Dig for it, search for it and let it loose. Unleash it and throw away all doubts of failure or condemnation.***
Yes.
This is how I want to write, read, and live!
LOVE!
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Well, I know that’s how you write. You open yourself up and lay it all out there. Thank you so much, Kim.
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Exactly, Gretchen. It’s all the pastels of life that numb my brain. Except for spending time with my daughter, life is mostly blah. Thank goodness for a wicked sense of humor, and some friends with the same, and a little “minor-league” impairment here and there. And some books and music, and blog posts, that give me a thrill at times. Bring on the vivid colors of life.
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Oooohhh, I love that! “The pastels of life that numb my brain.” That is genius! And books and music and a little dark humor, those are the good things my friend.
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perfection. PERFECTION. *lights cig*
❤
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Thank you gorgeous.
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Oh yes. This! I shared it on Facebook before I read it, just so you know.
You have a choice to make with the art, and the sex, and the speaking in your own voice. Say what everyone expects and be happy with that (I think of this as playing to the middle), or say what you think, what you feel. What you dream. No matter how crazy you sound when you are saying any one thing, you always know when it’s right, I think.
Don’t play to the middle. Be an outlier. Say what you have to say and hope it expands the universe of possibilities a little. Sometimes that means you have to take a beating for what you just said. But oh well. Anything that’s important enough say out loud and be emphatic about is important enough to take a beating over.
I’m training myself to be a vocal outlier, and you’re one of the people who convinced me to just og on and do that.
We all have all kinds of theories about what happens, once we’re done here, and all kinds of preferences about what the next life should look like. Those are entirely beside the point, and it will not do to be seduced by those theories and preferences.
We make our mark in the here and now, or we don’t make it at all. We change THIS world — the one we’re living in right now — or we change nothing.
I actually believe all that.
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This may be the best comment ever.
I have spent my life playing to the middle. Trying to be the mediator, not upsetting anyone. Thank god for writing for giving my a voice to go beyond that. And I’ve found the more I do it in writing the more I do it in real life. And YES, anything important enough to take a stand on is worth taking a beating over. YES.
I love this comment. It is inspiring and makes me want to go do something important! (and I love that you believe all that).
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I’ve spent a lot of time playing to the middle myself. I’ve had a few brilliant moments when I didn’t, but my friends used to call me “Switzerland” when I was in my 20s.
I’m trying to get better about not doing it.
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I too have been referred to as “Switzerland.” And it was an accurate description. It’s much less accurate today but I have learned to pick my battles and usually I am able to speak my mind in a respectful and calm way. Usually. 🙂
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This is total awesomeness, Gretchen! Love how you lead into it, the meaty middle and the inspiring ending! Damn, you are badass writer! xoxo
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Thank you so much… you’re too sweet. ❤
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Absolutely AMAZING post!!
Writing should be all or nothing. Get it all out. Don’t do it just because (this is why I periodically take a break. That, and summers with the kiddos are beyond busy).
PS. I had a “lana” experience with Cheap Trick who basically called in their performance. I was looking forward to it, and they just played the songs as is…So disappointing.
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I take breaks occasionally too. I took a few weeks off this summer because with kids and life I just couldn’t get deep enough into my writing without forcing it. And I’m totally ok with forcing it as long as it evolves into something real during editing!
Ugh. Sorry you had a “Lana” experience. There’s nothing worse than looking forward to a good show and realizing the artists aren’t into it.
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I’ve read this so many times the ink is stained on my fingers. This, what you speak of here, the passion, is what I imagined I would do when I finally said fuck it and started a blog. I’m not there yet. My voice is somewhere under the covers, like a mouse eluding capture, but I will get there, and it’s writers like you who will inspire my work, my improvement, my journey.
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Oh, GG, I totally relate. I started my blog because I felt I had things to say. But then I found myself thinking about the people I knew in real life who would read it. Ugh. Then I wished I had blogged anonymously. Writing here, at the SisterWives has been critical to helping me break out of that. It’s a safe place to “write free” as Samara likes to say. I sometimes write here and keep it off my personal blog and FB timeline to avoid having people I know read it. It’s been empowering to say the least. And I would love for you to write for us if you ever feel the urge to. It’s obvious by your comment that you have a way with words. Feel free to reach out to me privately if you ever want to talk about it. ❤
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I read this and then took some time to think about it. Then I read it again. I think I’m ready to comment now. 🙂
I totally agree – there are way too many content with the mediocre ways of life, never finding a passion and totally fine with it. Might as well be in the ground already!
Maybe I’m just old and tired (heaven forbid!) But…do you think there’s a way to live this kind of passionate life without coming across like, I don’t know, an addict of some kind? I’m trying to find the right words here. Yes, I want to live passionately and not care what anyone thinks – but sometimes, things about life *are* mundane and boring. Sometimes marriage (or other relationships) isn’t all thrill rides and exciting, pulsing experiences. If we don’t think of that as a normal, occasional occurrence – if we’re always looking for the next high in life, how can we commit to anything? Be it a person or a passion. I think it’s worth it to stick it out in some cases and push through to the other side of the mundane, even though it might make us want to bolt and find something more *shiny* that appeals to us.
You’re one of my favorite writers and I loved this piece. I hope I’m not coming across as a total douche. Please let me know if I totally misread your heart in this! 💖
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No, I get what you’re saying. Life is life. It’s not always going to be excitement and fireworks. And expecting it to be will set you up for disappointment and heartache.
But, when it comes to sex, well hell. I just think it should be pretty amazing pretty much all the time. Of course, there are the times when it must happen swiftly without romance. (I’m not huge on the romance part anyways) But most of the time shouldn’t it be… just really hugely fun? And boring sex where you’re looking at your chipped fingernails? I’d rather do just about anything else.
And music… I like a fun little pop song or something I can dance to. But the music that gets to me, that touches me, is soulful and passionate and meaningful. Sometimes it’s loud and hard driving music. Sometimes it’s quiet. There have been songs with maybe two lines that are sung with such heart that they make me cry. And writing? Every once in a while a listicle is fun. Obviously it’s not always going to be ripping your heart out. But even if you’re writing something light hearted and funny, make it real! I see so many writers trying to follow a formula because they want to get syndicated. And their best stuff is always when they write from their heart and forget about what’s expected.
My life is pretty normal in most ways. I clean my house, do the laundry and drive the kids around. But I will not accept a passionless marriage. He may drive me freakin’ crazy sometimes and sometimes I just want to punch him. But underneath the daily stuff in that is married life? There’s definitely passion. It’s something he promised me when we started dating. Eighteen years later it’s still there. Thank god.
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Awesome. 🙂
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Can’t comment now…be back later. 😘
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I’m deeply moved. Well said. Passion is what fuels the most talented artist. Without it it’s all merely static. You nailed it all on the head my dear. Well done!
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Thank you so much! Static… I like that. The art that is fueled by passion stands out and makes an impact because the rest is static, white noise. Thank you.
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You had me at: “You know when it’s good.” Then, it just got gooder. I may have to quote you on this: “But know this, the world is borne of rebels and misfits. Avant gard and anarchy.” That’s just good shit. I know I can say “shit” here, because somebody else used the F word. And you don’t seem frail. Or fear words.
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Haha! I love your comment! No, we aren’t afraid of words here on SisterWives. And F bombs pepper many a blog posts here. What’s funny is on my personal blog I think I’ve said the F word only once. I’m a little bit more “proper” there. It’s one of the things I love about this place. There’s very little that’s out of bounds. As long as it’s not hurtful or demeaning.
Thank you for your kind words. Your comment had be chuckling. 🙂
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Maybe you should start another blog so some badass badfish could write some fuckin’ shit like that on it! Because I use “poop” and “dang” on my blog. I’ve got some old ladies following me—who, don’t get me wrong, are really cool. But you can’t say it the way you feel it some times.
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It was one heck of an insight …. So fresh, triggering n inspirational!! Thanks for writing… Ummazing👑
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