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Come As You Are
There have been a few moments in my life when I have found myself at a critical crossroad. I find myself asking myself the simple questions:
Are you happy?
Is it worth it?
Unfortunately, a few of those times landed right in the middle of an alcohol and drug addiction, when I was already living in constant moments of weakness and my self-esteem was in the toilet. And so, I often stayed at the metaphorical party too long and the damage became very close to catastrophic.
Several times.
I was married to a man I met in rehab when I was twenty one years old. He was tall, gorgeous, funny, and had all kinds of fucked up just simmering below the surface. I found him the perfect match to my own brand of crazy, also lying in wait and doing pushups, waiting for the day I opened the door and let it out. It didn’t take long and I spent two years of my life pretending to be someone I was not, and becoming someone I never wanted to be – an alcoholic, cocaine addicted, abused wife of a narcissistic, alcoholic, cocaine addicted, abusive husband.
Every single relationship in my life for a solid decade was toxic. My relationship with my parents was always a best excuse for self-harm in the form of reckless abandon. My friends, which is a term I used loosely, were a means to an end. I used people for what they could offer me whether it be validation, consolation, or simply a place to party. Every day I chipped away a little more at the person I wanted to be, knew I could be, but didn’t believe I deserved to be.
Every day I took a new action that muted the voice inside me, the voice of my true self. I quieted that voice by any means possible because I had no idea how to wake up to who I really was. It never occurred to me to stop all the self-deprecating bullshit, follow my intuition and say,
‘Enough.’
Every day I just wanted to do what it took to be liked by everyone else, no matter who they were. I always had the instinct in me to know that my first impressions of people were usually dead on but I never followed that instinct, never thought twice about the choices I was making, whether it be the people I chose to let into my life, where I lived, where I worked….every who, what, where, when, and how in my life was fucked up.
I spent years believing that pain was pleasure and pleasure was pain. Sadly, all those years, when I thought I was leading, I was actually following while chanting in my head, ‘Just like me. Please. Just like me.’
Until the day I didn’t and I made a choice that might sound dramatic but, I promise you from the bottom of my soul, it was truth. It wasn’t just the alcohol or drugs that would kill me, it was my choices. All of them. I had been dying a slow death for years and my addiction was only throwing fuel on the fire
I was the problem.
‘Just be yourself.’
Three words. Simple enough, right?
But what the hell does that mean and more importantly the big question at the time was
Who am I?
I started to realize that for all the good I was at being able to form a first impression, fucked up or not, I wasn’t able to see that I was an asshole. I was a drunk, a user, a lousy friend, a disrespectful daughter, and a cowardly wife.
No, I wasn’t happy.
And no, it wasn’t worth it.
And so I woke up and I walked away. Aside from my parents, not one person in my life twenty years ago is in it today. Not one. I had surrounded myself with people I despised because I was convinced that was what I deserved and most of them told me what I wanted to hear.
I changed my playground as well as my playmates. I have spent the last two decades, and am still working on, waking up to who I am and getting to know my true self.
As it turns out, that part of me that slept for so long, is a pretty decent person. I have stopped wishing (most days) to look like someone else or be liked as much as someone else seems to be. I am learning to accept my imperfections and embrace my quirks. I enjoy my dark sense of humor and superpower of sarcasm. I choose my friendships very carefully and when I make decisions today I try to do so rationally, stopping to check my motives.
I think Will Smith puts it simply:
“Don’t chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people – the ones who really belong in your life – will come to you. And stay.”
I have found this to be very true.
Don’t get me wrong, there are days when I still suck and I am always willing to apologize for my actions. But I don’t apologize for who I am. By the same token, I cannot regret my past because there is absolutely nothing I can do to change it. What I can change is my way of thinking today, so I don’t make rash and unhealthy decisions and shit all over the future.
My traits no longer consist of dishonest, self-centered, needy, lazy, and limited. Today, because I am able to think a little more clearly and make better decisions, knowing what’s right for me and no longer feeling the need to people please I find myself adding tags liked humble, encouraging, straightforward, kind, motivated, confident….unstoppable.
I like that.
My choices today, including my friends, are a direct reflection of the person I truly am. I have hundreds of acquaintances. I have a handful of friends.
Not everyone will like me. Not everyone does. And you know what? That’s okay. In turn, I am not going to like everyone I encounter either. That is also okay. I don’t need to collect people simply because they are there. I need to surround myself with people who share my ideals, encourage me, enlighten me, strengthen me, want nothing from me but my friendship, and don’t mind my dark sense of humor. I have found those people and they aren’t enough to form an army, but they are most certainly enough.
I know my limitations and what I am willing to put up with, how far I’m willing to go before I am teetering on the edge of compromising my own hard earned truths.
Although I still struggle with the idea, I am learning that change is okay and sometimes very necessary.
Without it we may never know what greatness lies ahead.
Am I first? (or FRIST)
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BOOM!
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What Lizzi said 🙂
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Okay, now that I got that out of my system – I don’t know you very well, Sandy — only from our talks and reading your stories — and while I understand why you share this, I hope that you know that you are so much more than this. You share your story to remind yourself where you came from and to show others how it can be possible to escape that – but who you are now is definitely not who you were then. You are a more than a survivor.
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I stared at this for a few moments, probably with my mouth hanging open, because this is probably one of the best comments I have ever gotten on a post. I am both touched and humbled by your words. Thank you.
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“My choices today, including my friends, are a direct reflection of the person I truly am. I have hundreds of acquaintances. I have a handful of friends” Yes. That’s it. May your life continue on this very path.
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That is my goal each and every day. Thank you for reading, Kelly.
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Indeed the choices that we make everyday define us. So the two questions, Are you happy? and Is it worth it? should become our mantras long before we hit our 40’s and 50’s. The younger versions of us would have had an easier road to travel. But at least we did learn to question ourselves. As always, your posts are genuine and honest. Hugs.
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Indeed we should ask ourselves these questions much earlier and when we do we should have the courage to answer honestly and then act accordingly. That is where I stuttered and stalled. I try hard not to regret, which isn’t always easy. After all was said and done I landed in a pretty good place. Thanks for being here today, my friend.
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I’m picturing your toxic self doing push ups, waiting til you let her out and then darting out the door with a focused drive to wreak havoc. I love the imagery. Your writing and your story of your life always leave me breathless. “Just be yourself” I am still trying to figure that one out for myself. And yes, you are unstoppable. Fierce. A force. You are inspiring my friend.
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Very kind words from a woman I admire. Thank you, Gretchen. Most days I have it figured out and some of those days it lasts. Others, not so much. But I get up every day and give it a go!
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“Don’t chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people – the ones who really belong in your life – will come to you. And stay.”
I love this. With every relocation, I’ve reminded my kids to be themselves and the right people will gravitate toward them. Most importantly, I tell them they only need one good friend to make it feel like home.
Great post Sandy. Thank you for sharing so freely of yourself. I hope you are proud of the amazing woman you are and the choices that led you there. Huge hugs!!
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Thank you, Leah. It’s wise advice you give your kids. I tell mine the same thing. It’s not about quantity, but quality. That is something it took me a long time to learn.
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A very powerful piece. Isn’t it funny how sometimes we need to be reminded to just be ourselves? I am so glad you found you. May you continue on a wonderful journey seeking all of the amazing things you will discover along the way!
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Thank you, Lynn. I suppose I didn’t really like the person I was. I often find it funny that I was the kind of person I wouldn’t want to be friends with. Today, I know I’m a good person and a good friend. I’m happy to be able to say that.
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Moving on from what is not working for me is one of the hardest things for me to do, especially when it is something that used to be good. I think that’s true of a lot of people. Sometimes the devil you know is much less scary. This is a reassuring, empowering post – and yes, as Helena said, never forget that your past does not define you. ❤
Glad I'm not the only one with Sandy-doing-pushups image in my head. *fans self* 🙂
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Ha! You make me laugh. One of the many reasons I think you’re awesome. Believe me, the sight of me doing pushups would probably bring forth more laughter than heat!
I understand your statement about not wanting to give up something that used to be good. I understand it completely. Sadly, very rarely do things return to the way they used to be, no matter how badly we want them to. I still struggle with that and sometimes it take me a while to get to the place I need to be to walk away. You have to know in your heart it’s time to let go.
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“My choices today, including my friends, are a direct reflection of the person I truly am. I have hundreds of acquaintances. I have a handful of friends.”
May you always be happy living this truth.
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So far, so good! Thank you.
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Well, I still maintain you ‘collected’ me, and I’m very glad of it – you’ve turned out to be a pillar of … all sorts of things, as it happens … but mostly (friendship aside) of understanding, wisdom, and common sense, and I’m immensely grateful to have you as a solid part of my world, my DA. I have much to learn from you, and even though you’re quite upfront about not getting it right all the time (cos who does?) you’re still many leagues ahead of me, and I thoroughly appreciate your input and support.
And I like when you check in on me when I’m blue, and that you take time to cheer me up and give me a smidgen of perspective. It helps, and I’m very thankful for you.
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I’ve only known a DA to be a hairstyle that looks like a duck’s ass in the back. Is this what you refer to? (Waddles off, stage right).
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Funnily enough, Larry, NO :p It’s the abbreviation of my pet name for Sandy 🙂
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I did in fact ‘collect’ you, but it was supposed to be that way. I count you in that handful, sweet friend. You have been there for me time and time again. I only return the kindness because we are really and truly friends.
I’m humbled that you would think you could learn from me and I most definitely do not get it right all the time. I am an emotional thinker and decision maker and I am constantly checking my motives and learning a little more every day to think before I speak and act. Age seems to be settling me a bit. That and finally becoming comfortable (mostly) in my own skin.
And I will take this opportunity to tell you that I’m very thankful for you, too. Always.
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Of course I could learn from you! You’re smart and you’re an emotional thinker who’s learned (or is learning) to add common sense and cool perspective to the heat of the moment. I’m one who hasn’t yet, and I over-think and get carried away a million miles in a wrong direction. 🙂 Lots to learn.
I’m so glad to be in the handful. And yes – really and truly friends 🙂
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A great piece – thanks! 🙂
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Thank you very much! I’m happy you liked it.
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You’ve always had the power, my dear…you just had to figure it out for yourself💗
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I love it! Thank you!
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Your words hit so close to the home in my heart. From the “just like me. Please. Just like me.” to the “changing the playground & the playmates.” I wake up trying with a similar goal each day. And there are days, I suck too and I have to apologize. Those apologies are far easier to deliver than the ones I had to say when I was messed up. Dark senses of humor rock, by the way! You wrote this brilliantly & perfectly & I felt this in my gut. Thank you!
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I think this is why I am so drawn to you and your writing, Rachel. You and I seem to share a kindred spirit. I’m grateful you took the time to read and thank you for such a wonderful comment.
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I try to read it all. If I find a writer a like, I want to read more and more. It’s like a good book, I don’t ever want to stop reading. Definite kindred connection. You have a loyal reader always.
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Wow! What a powerful message this post is. I don’t think people put enough emphasis on the decisions they make rather than the circumstances they are in. Bravo for turning your life around. For a second there I thought it was my husband’s story! Truly inspiring!
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Thank you so much, Elena. I think the story actually belongs to many people. I just happened to write it.
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I’ve learned that finally “Being Myself” and not caring what others think has freed me, liberated me…. with my writing, friendships, and life.
How Empowering!
Excellent, identifiable piece, Sandy. xx
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It is absolutely empowering to finally feel comfortable with who you are, flaws and all. I’m so glad you’ve found that in your like. Thank you!
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Spot on. Spot on. Spot on.
Beautiful, poignant, and profound.
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Thanks, Beth. I seem to be getting good at this total honesty thing.
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Reblogged this on An Honest Sinner and commented:
Every single relationship in my life for a solid decade was toxic. My relationship with my parents was always a best excuse for self-harm in the form of reckless abandon. My friends, which is a term I used loosely, were a means to an end. I used people for what they could offer me whether it be validation, consolation, or simply a place to party. Every day I chipped away a little more at the person I wanted to be, knew I could be, but didn’t believe I deserved to be.
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Oh wow. Thank you for this. I am working so hard at the ‘come as you are’ thing (anyone else get Peter Wolf stuck in there head when they read the title? I guess if I were a little younger, Nirvana would have come to mind first)
This is beautiful, Sandy. Thanks for baring yourself and for reminding me to just be me. Although, I honestly am still not entirely sure who that is.
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Thank you, Michelle. I’m not sure I’ll ever get completely comfortable with it but I do the best I can, even when it makes me squirm a little. In the end, I feel better for it.
For me, it was Nirvana. Every time I see the title the song plays in my head.
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This is beautifully insightful, Sandy.
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Thank you, Sarah. I appreciate that. If you had asked me at another time in my life if something I wrote would ever be considered insightul, much less beautifully so, I would never have believed it. So, truly, thank you.
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So honest, this. An inspiration for those of us who run from ourselves and drown our hearts in denial or a drug of choice. Truth is when you begin to accept and love yourself, the good people will come. Thanks for sharing such a personal piece, Sandy.
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Perfectly interpreted, Lisa. Thank you so much for reading. It means a lot to me.
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Great post! 🙂
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Thank you!
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Beautifully written. You are so strong hun.
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That’s incredibly kind of you to say. Thank you!
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You’re welcome. 🙂
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Awesome post… the weird thing is that during all my addiction years… a lot of years… I still loved myself. Is this worse or better? I have no idea.
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I have no idea either, Art, but I will say ‘good for you’. I don’t know of many, if any, people who can say that.
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That seems to happen a lot with me… sigh…
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Wow, Sandy. This is amazing. Thank you for your honesty in telling us about your struggles and your successes. I admire your ability to see what needed to change and to actually make the changes that were critical to you being your new self. You also give me hope that my 19 year old niece will one day make a change and stop self destructing and hurting the ones that love her. 🙂
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It sounds dramatic but sometimes these changes are the difference between life and death. Unfortunately, in my lifetime I have know many who waited too long. I will keep your niece in my prayers. I know how hard and how frightening that is having lived through my own daughter’s battle with addiction. It can get better and I truly, with all my heart and soul, hope that it does. You’re in my thoughts, my friend, and if you ever need anything please reach out.
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Bravo! (Whistling, cheering and clapping, standing on my feet). You totally rock!! I wish I had had the balls to walk away from a few things years back, but as I’ve been working on myself, the things that no longer work have gone by the wayside; including a few relationships. Bravo for listening to your intuition and being brave enough to make changes. I’m working on being able to listen to my intuition more and more; and the more I heed it, the better things get.
I love your saying that not everyone likes you. I’m finally in the space of, if someone doesn’t like me, then fuck ’em. I don’t care. I don’t resonate with everyone, and certainly not everyone resonates with me- and I’m very ok with that these days. Beautiful piece, straight from the heart.
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Wow! Thank you for such enthusiasm. Change is never an easy choice even if your miserable. You get comfortable, complacent, and convinced that there is no way out. But there is. I used to get really upset when people didn’t like me. Now, I won’t say I love it but I’m just at a place where I realize that there are many, many different personalities in the world and not all of them are compatible. It’s just how it is. It’s a good lesson in tolerance.
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I know many people who have struggled with addiction and some have failed. I think it is the hardest thing in the world and I give you credit. I am in awe of those who survive such a hard and difficult journey and are also able to share with others.
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