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Fear and Loathing in the Man(di) Cave
Happy October. Since cobwebs fill the corners of our homes and scary dolls habitat our kitchen windows, we decided it might be best to add a little bit of a fear factor to the Man(di) Cave this month. We’ve asked three men some very dark and twisted questions, and they obliged by offering some even more haunting answers. Enter at your own risk, and beware. Of what? *evil laugh* Well . . . you’ll just have to read to find out.
But first, let me introduce you to the three very brave men who have agreed to bare their souls to us and you and the world wide web.
List of X spreads his internet love by making politics and random boring news into something fun by throwing it in a list. Kind of like David Letterman, but better. If you haven’t read his lists, you should head over there and get to know X. He’s X-ceptional.
Michale J. Mele has been one of my favorite male bloggers since I discovered this world of blogging on the introweb we all love. He always has a way of making me smile and on many occasions has tugged at my heart strings. He writes three blogs. That’s right THREE. Click here to become acquainted with MJ. You won’t be disappointed.
A month or so ago, I asked my SisterWives who I should invite into the Man(di) Cave this month. Immediately, Samara suggested my new friend, Jeff Terry. She introduced us on Facebook where he makes me laugh almost daily. He writes too, and his writing is highly entertaining. Click here and get familiar.
What scares you most about women?
Seriously? I find very unsettling to know that women have this freaky ability to grow new human beings inside of them in a very Alien-like way. We don’t normally give it any thought, but it’s really just one of those deeply bizarre things that make sense only until you actually, really, truly ponder them – like consuming cow milk and chicken eggs, carving pumpkins on Halloween (and only on Halloween), and shopping at Walmart. Now, if this ability weren’t scary, why would we wait years, if not decades, to tell our children the truth about where exactly they came from?
Here goes (wish me luck), the whole women are from Venus thingy would have to be number one on the list. This is because of course every time I think I have them figured out they go and pull the old switcheroo on me, leaving me standing there bewildered and scratching my head in amazement.
Now I know this isn’t their fault because after all they are complex creatures. However, what is my fault is that I just can’t let it go and I not too smartly decide to weather the storm that is woman. Needless to say a good percentage of the time things don’t turn out in my favor, and I’m left mentally battered and bloodied as if I just went twelve rounds with Mike Tyson.
So in a nutshell I guess it’s our differences. The ones I can’t understand, and the ones I couldn’t explain for the life of me.
Please tell me how I’m supposed to answer this. Is that the entire question? What kind of answer are you looking for? I mean, is there a right answer? It doesn’t seem like there is, but there’s almost always a wrong answer. I always give a wrong answer to you women. I didn’t mean anything by “you women’! I love women! I’m not, uh, generalizing here or anything. I’m not a goddamned misogynist! Shit. I’m a little anxious right now. I’m going to get up and walk around a little bit. I’ll think about the question. Get the blood pumping, get back in a good space. There. Ok. I’m back and I’m going to be honest: it feels like there’s a bomb in front of me. The kind with a countdown in big red numbers. And you just handed me wire snips. And you asked me to defuse the bomb. And there are no green wires. Or any wires. And there are no wire snips. The wire snips are really just handcuffs. And I’m handcuffed to the bomb. How much time do I have to answer this question? The number says 20 seconds. Shit. Wait. I got it! Nothing! Nothing scares me about women! Women are all smart and beautiful and majestic! Unless, that is, you know, you don’t want to be labelled any of those things, of course! Women are free to . . . you have the right to not be beautiful or smart . . . or majestic. And that’s . . . ok. I mean . . . fuck.
What is the most taboo thing you’ve ever done with a woman?
I’m not answering that without a lawyer present… Actually, a presence of a lawyer would makes it even harder, because I’m not sure I want to spill the beans to yet another person. Torturing me probably could help, but I have a note from my doctor saying that I should be excused from torture for health reasons.
All I’m going to say is that it was consensual and legal in more than half of the states.
Unfortunately my lady times are pretty lame, besides the occasional random not-so-secluded spot to get down and dirty in, there’s not much more here to report. I really wish I could say otherwise, something to make myself look like a real pimp daddy, but I would be lying and that’s not my scene.
Maybe one day I will have a story that will blow you away, but until then feel free to use one of your own and just insert my name where applicable.
Depends on what you mean by “taboo.” What social norms are we bucking here? Because I once turned down a no-strings attached, one-night stand with an attractive woman (let’s call her Mary) because she was married. I was 22 and with a group of Italian guys I worked with at the time. The fact that they were Italian really has nothing to do with the story. We all looked like we walked out of Night at the Roxbury. My friends and I had been eyeing Mary all night. In the creepiest sense of the word. And when she approached me, I couldn’t believe it. I was sprung. In the creepiest sense of the word. We hit it off. All the way up to the point she pointed out that she was married. We continued to talk and it was fine but when she asked me if I wanted her number—she asked ME—I said “No, you’re married.” Seemed like a no-brainer to me. She was someone I just met and I had no idea who her husband was and I wasn’t with anyone at the time—so it wasn’t about loyalties. And I’m a flaming heterosexual so it wasn’t about desire. And I’m a horribly lapsed Catholic so it wasn’t about religion. I just saw a dead-end there. Why start something when all I could see was the finish? So I’d shoot a load on a stranger in some shitty hotel room. So what? The guys I was with looked at me like I was a unicorn being ass-pounded by a yeti. THAT felt pretty damn taboo. My male peers have never had any idea what to make of me. I’m always disappointing people. Like this answer. You were probably looking for a story that actually included sex.
My girlfriend at the time asked me to spank her, but not being a believer in physical punishment, I just couldn’t imagine why anyone would ask for it voluntarily. Mind you, this was before spanking was made big by the 50 Shades Of Grey books – books which I, by the way, consider a sort of physical punishment in itself.
She wanted to explore the dark dirt road that I keep diligently hidden to the outside world, only to be seen by still waters of the commode’s bowl. The said tunnel is an exit only, there is no in through the outdoor here, which I’m sure is pretty much the case with most men (and even some women).
Does this make me a prude? I’m sure to some it does; in their mind I’m a total “L 7”. I can’t help it though, because having anyone, or anything for that matter, around my bum makes me all anxious like if I was watching a horror movie anticipating the next big scare.
Man, I think this answer is going to be strike three. No. No lover I’ve ever had has ever made a request that has crossed the line with me. Well, maybe if you count the time I was having sex with my girlfriend and her dog was in the room and it started licking my foot. That’s all it took for me to lose the erection. And she was pissed. I told her the dog was freaking me out. Why did the dog have to be in the room? And what the fuck—it was licking my foot! She wanted me to continue, but I was annoyed so I wouldn’t/couldn’t oblige. So I guess having a threesome with a dog would be crossing the line.
Have you ever ghosted anyone or been ghosted? (I didn’t know what this meant, but apparently, it’s where you cut contact and never respond to them again. No calls, messages, texts, likes on Instagram or Facebook, no retweets, just radio silence.)
Yes. There was a girl with whom I was planning to go on a trip to Canada, and I’ve been waiting for her to call me back to go over the details of the trip for the last fifteen years.
I can honestly say no to this question on both accounts thankfully. I’ve never even heard of this term before, shows how uncool I am by today’s standards.
I have been broken up with through a text message, does that count for something?
Ashamed to say that I have. This was well before iPhone or Facebook or even texting. So ghosting was pretty fucking easy. All you had to do was walk away and check caller ID when the landline rang. Also, cellphones weren’t ubiquitous, so you could easily claim that you were nowhere near a phone. I had just gone to a concert with this woman I had been seeing fairly regularly. At the concert, something just clicked in my brain. I just started to think about all the shit we had gone through and all the shit I had put up with and I actually started to get pissed. And when I checked how I truly felt about her, all I felt was resentment. I was her safe, comfortable shoe. Someone she could slip on and walk all over. I decided during the show that I would never see her again. And I didn’t. I didn’t call her the next day, I didn’t answer her calls and I sure as shit never explained why. But I’m guessing that in the silence that followed, she was able to piece it together all on her own. Still, it was a cowardly way to handle it. Shitty as fuck. If I could do it over, I would. Not for her, though. For me.
What do you think? How about you? Have you ever ghosted anyone or been ghosted by someone? What crosses the line with you? Tell me *leans in really close and whispers* something taboo you’ve done that nobody knows. It’s only the internet. Nobody will ever have to know.
Please come back on Thursday because some of my Sisterwives and I will be answering our guests’ questions.
This is the best thing about my Monday morning…
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It is pretty awesome isn’t it?
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I used to call ghosting “fade to black” which is also something we did when I was a catering manager with staff we didn’t want to fire, but also didn’t really want on the schedule…
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I think it should be called [end scene] because that’s what you’re really ending. A bad scene.
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Hey Jeff, they invented this thing called a “paragraph.” You no longer have to throw all of your thoughts into one impenetrable wall of words.
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A paragraph? What’s that? Is that like a list but without the numbers?
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It’s like a list if the only number is 1 and you have no intention of having people read it.
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This sounds really complicated.
I think I’ll stick with lists from now on.
Ooooh! Did you see? I think I made a paragraph!!!
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Paragraphs shmaragraphs! Fight the power and rage against the machine and all that other hardcore rebel stuff.
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Hey, Jeff! Don’t worry about paragraphs or impenetrable walls of words. You’re good!
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I love The Man (di) Cave and this month is Xceptionally hilarious. Keep up the funny stuff, gentlemen!
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I can keep up the funny stuff as long as a dog isn’t licking my foot.
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Seriously. Didn’t these guys do great?
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Mandi definitely knows how to have a good time that’s for sure.
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We need pictures to illustrate these answers.
I kinda want to see a unicorn getting ass-pounded by a yeti…
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You’d need audio, too. Because the unicorn totally tells the yeti to pull its mane.
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Which is shortly thereafter is followed by yeti ghosting the unicorn…
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They fear committment.
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Ah. So now I know what to do when I’m attacked by a yeti – I’ll scare it away with “I think we should talk about our future” or “My parents are in town next weekend and they wanted to meet you!”
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Freakin’ Yetis. They ghost everyone.
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Thank you for letting me into your cave… ummm…. I mean, thank you for this opportunity to have some fun with two other guys… ermmm…
I mean… I think I’ll go ghost myself now.
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X, you’re always welcome in my . . . I mean, I’m glad you had fun with me and two guys . . . I mean, the SisterWives welcome you back any time. No ghosting us.
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I can promise I’ll continue to lurk around here somewhere.
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Ghosting sucks, no matter what you call it. Should only be used as a response to Poltergeisting, which is where someone hangs around sliming the furniture and refuses to leave until you involve the authorities. That was funnier in my head.
MandiCave is my favorite! Great job! 🙂
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I’ve slimed furniture. Couches mostly.
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*gags*
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*slow claps*
Well done, gents. Well done. You succeeded in making me laugh and also earned my respect for honest, thoughtful, funny answers. Jeff wins for most disturbing visual, but you all win for being f#cking awesome. xo
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I knew I should have gone with a different head shot.
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That’s why it’s good to say “YES” to drugs.
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Aren’t they great? I swear each time I read a new answer, I said, “This is the best. No this one is. No this one . . . ” until I realized they were all great. I smiled. I love smiling. Smiling is my favorite. (That’s a quote from a movie, Beth.)
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Well this was very nice, even though it dad have a fairly obviously lack of ME in it… seriously… what does a guy have to do to get noticed around here… besides full frontal nudity… because I do have standards…
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Oh quit crying, Art. I’m going to ask you back, but everybody has to get a turn in the cave first. I’ll be in touch in the next couple of months. I want to do a battle of the dudes edition.
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ooooh… yeah… I can do that…
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It’s kind of a relief/disppointment to learn all men find all women scary. I was worried/proud that I’m scary by nature as opposed to by gender.
I now finally understand that I was…ghosted. By a girl! We were friends and she just up and disappeared from all email and social media correspondence for no good reason.
Jeff is right, (some) women are time-bombs with ever-shifting variables.
That actually makes me feel better: I was ghosted by a time-bomb.
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I never underestimate my ability to say the wrong thing.
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We fear women because we know if we screw up we won’t be getting any of the good stuff and that’s terrifying.
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I’ve never been ghosted, but that’s probably only because I am excellent at finding people. Nobody leaves me . . . kidding . . . kind of.
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Mandi thanks for introducing me to List of X and Jeff Terry. Pure awesomeness right there if I do say so myself.
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One-armed hug. Because yeti.
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A bro hug because we are men (hear us roar)! In all reality I’m a complete wuss, a girlie man, but please don’t tell anyone.
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You’re most welcome. Thanks for being such a good sport. I told you it would be fun.
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You did, and it was. Awesome job. I am now a fan.
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What do you mean “now?” You mean you didn’t like me before. What the shit, Mike?
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No I don’t like you, I love you!
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OHMIGOSH! I so totally just remembered that I DID get ghosted by someone. Someone mean (as it turned out) so I’m kinda not sad about it. I mean, I WAS, don’t get me wrong – I thought we were good friends and it hurt like mad when I realised what had happened…but then I discovered the meanness and it hurt a bit less.
Great answers, chaps! Love the honesty and humour you approached these with (and Mike, you being totally vanilla doesn’t make you any less wonderful)
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Thanks…I think. Maybe I could use this whole boring thing, work it to my favor.
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Ah I suspect you’re less boring than you think. You’re someone’s perfect other…
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Ghosting is horribly mean. I’d lose my mind wondering what I did or said or if I committed any olfactory violation. People deserve answers.
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I did lose my mind over it for a long time. It really sucked. I went over and over what I could have done wrong and eventually once circumstance showed me the meanness, I just had to let it go.
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I guess I’d tell anyone that was ghosted that it says more about the person who went quiet than the person being ghosted. Weak comfort, I’m sure. But I’d also say you’re much better off than being with a person who treats others with such disrespect.
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I’m sure there was a reason which made sense in that person’s mind. I’m still grateful for their presence in my life, because they introduced me to my best friend, who will be mine forever 🙂 ❤ So yes, I was left immeasurably better off 🙂
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I sure hope you’re right.
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Wow, Mandi! Another great post. You really pulled no punches with the questions and the guys were so honest with their answers. It’s nice to delve into the minds of the opposite sex and find out what they’re really thinking. 😉 I’m not very experienced in the bedroom so I haven’t come across a line I wasn’t willing to cross… yet. And, I refuse to ask Mathair what her line was. I barely mentioned it to her and she had some devious smile on her face so…. the topic was dropped. LOL
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Hahahaha. Ask her! Or tell her to come back and share what’s behind her smile.
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Ahh…so this is what has my daughter laughing her ass off!! Of course when she first told me who she was talking to I became defensive and said. “Hey, Mandi’s my Blog what the hell, Ging!!” Of course she explained she was on Sisterwives. So to the question of the devious smile. Two incidents come to mind. One involving a huge dildo the other involving a gay model friend. In my younger years (when I had a much better body & wasn’t as motherly (Inion) my then boyfriend who was second runner up Mr. Florida informed me that it was his dream to have a threesome. So, the next night I brought home my friend, Michael (very good-looking wannabe model) & informed my boyfriend Richard that Michael would love to join us for sex. That didn’t end so well. I didn’t have the heart to tell him Michael was gay & merely helping me to play a joke on him. Course he never asked again. The other….well, lets just say that once I told him I’d be willing to use a dildo that big if it was a shared experience. The dildo found it’s way out the window. You should’ve seen the garbage man when he opened the can to dump the garbage. lmfao!!! Now I know why Inion loves coming here….hysterical!!!
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You are so fabulous. I can’t even . . . I don’t even know how to respond. I bow down to your awesomeness. *fist bump*
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Pure awesomeness right here. Hysterical.
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*fist-bump* backatcha Mandi!! This is why I became defensive when Gingie said she was reading you!! You’re posts are the best. Now that she has, we’ll be fighting to get to your blog girl!! luvs ya ❤
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Luvs ya (both) back.
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Very fun stuff!!! Eventhough Monday is the second workday of my week where I am now!
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Oh so you have two days that suck kiester in your work week?
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No…I have 7 most weeks I’m working
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I love love love LOVE the Man(di) Cave series! I get so excited when a new one comes out, I feel like it’s Christmas morning! I read every word carefully, laugh out loud, spit food out of my mouth and then want to marry the men featured. LOL.
I love how Jeff handled the first question. I was sweating right with him wondering how he was going to finish his answer. “fuck” was the perfect ending and summed up his anxiety about it. 🙂
It took me a minute (more like an hour) to get what Michale was talking about as he answered the crossed the line question.
“the dark dirt road that I keep diligently hidden to the outside world…” I was like, huh? What road? Then I got it and squirmed, a lot. 🙂
I liked how List of X combined Walmart, Halloween, aliens, cow milk, chicken eggs and pregnancy all together to explain his fears of women. LOL.
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I know! These guys were fantasico!!
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Yeah sorry about that, I sometimes have trouble answering questions without getting all insane like.
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LOL! It was great. 🙂
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The terror was real. But I’d feel just as terrified answering “what scares you most about men?” on a male majority blog. Of course that will never happen.
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Terror is a good word to use! Not sure I would want to know what scares you most about men, it would most likely be TMI for women and could scar us for life! 🙂
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It’s the stuff I don’t know that scares me the most. That’s the whole reason I started this series. I don’t like being scared.
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How did I just find the Man(di) Cave?! Loved this – though curious about the differences that make us from different planets. I’m of the opinion that gender isn’t a defining characteristic & we’re all individuals regardless of the bits in our pants, so I always wonder when I read stuff like that: do you really understand every last dude you come across?
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Probably not every dude, but I would think a good percentage gfor sure.
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Even dudes of totally different cultures/nationalities/races/lifestyles/socio-ecomomic status? I just wonder if sometimes we think we understand our own gender best because we know ourselves and sort of project that onto everyone else who has the same bits. I know I ‘get’ for example, my brothers, my close male friends, way before women whose lives I can’t begin to imagine.
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I am not one who understand my gender at all. Women are intimidating enigmas, IMHO.
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Aha – so it’s not a gendered issue at all, but just that NO ONE understands women 😉
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Yahtzee
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*scribbles furiously*
NOTE: men say “bingo” and women say “yahtzee” this may be important somehow. This is true for ALL women and ALL men? No time to verify!
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Actually, Jeff., I stole Yahtzee from a friend. A male friend. This is just getting harder.
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You’re way too smart for me, talking to you makes my hat holder hurt.
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Haha or maybe it’s just that I’m a woman ;-)))
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Fabulous as always! I love this series and the questions and the guys are always so awesome 🙂
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Thank you very much.
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My nickname used to be “Yeti.”
That seemed more relevant in my head.
Forget I was here…
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Hilarious!
This is my first time reading this series. I really admire humorous writing because I don’t do so well with that myself. Love all these answers so very Very much.
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For me It’s opposite because humor is pretty much all I can do, at least according to some deranged individuals who enjoy my work. Anything else I try takes a lot more work and time.
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That’s OK. Where there is humor there’s truth.
🙂
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Damn – wish I had been contacted for this one. I would have fit right in on this with my warped way of looking at life!
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Ohmigerd. Say you will. Say you will. Would love to have you.
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