Fear and Loathing in the Man(di) Cave
Happy October. Since cobwebs fill the corners of our homes and scary dolls habitat our kitchen windows, we decided it might be best to add a little bit of a fear factor to the Man(di) Cave this month. We’ve asked three men some very dark and twisted questions, and they obliged by offering some even more haunting answers. Enter at your own risk, and beware. Of what? *evil laugh* Well . . . you’ll just have to read to find out.
But first, let me introduce you to the three very brave men who have agreed to bare their souls to us and you and the world wide web.
List of X spreads his internet love by making politics and random boring news into something fun by throwing it in a list. Kind of like David Letterman, but better. If you haven’t read his lists, you should head over there and get to know X. He’s X-ceptional.
Michale J. Mele has been one of my favorite male bloggers since I discovered this world of blogging on the introweb we all love. He always has a way of making me smile and on many occasions has tugged at my heart strings. He writes three blogs. That’s right THREE. Click here to become acquainted with MJ. You won’t be disappointed.
A month or so ago, I asked my SisterWives who I should invite into the Man(di) Cave this month. Immediately, Samara suggested my new friend, Jeff Terry. She introduced us on Facebook where he makes me laugh almost daily. He writes too, and his writing is highly entertaining. Click here and get familiar.
What scares you most about women?
Seriously? I find very unsettling to know that women have this freaky ability to grow new human beings inside of them in a very Alien-like way. We don’t normally give it any thought, but it’s really just one of those deeply bizarre things that make sense only until you actually, really, truly ponder them – like consuming cow milk and chicken eggs, carving pumpkins on Halloween (and only on Halloween), and shopping at Walmart. Now, if this ability weren’t scary, why would we wait years, if not decades, to tell our children the truth about where exactly they came from?
Here goes (wish me luck), the whole women are from Venus thingy would have to be number one on the list. This is because of course every time I think I have them figured out they go and pull the old switcheroo on me, leaving me standing there bewildered and scratching my head in amazement.
Now I know this isn’t their fault because after all they are complex creatures. However, what is my fault is that I just can’t let it go and I not too smartly decide to weather the storm that is woman. Needless to say a good percentage of the time things don’t turn out in my favor, and I’m left mentally battered and bloodied as if I just went twelve rounds with Mike Tyson.
So in a nutshell I guess it’s our differences. The ones I can’t understand, and the ones I couldn’t explain for the life of me.
Please tell me how I’m supposed to answer this. Is that the entire question? What kind of answer are you looking for? I mean, is there a right answer? It doesn’t seem like there is, but there’s almost always a wrong answer. I always give a wrong answer to you women. I didn’t mean anything by “you women’! I love women! I’m not, uh, generalizing here or anything. I’m not a goddamned misogynist! Shit. I’m a little anxious right now. I’m going to get up and walk around a little bit. I’ll think about the question. Get the blood pumping, get back in a good space. There. Ok. I’m back and I’m going to be honest: it feels like there’s a bomb in front of me. The kind with a countdown in big red numbers. And you just handed me wire snips. And you asked me to defuse the bomb. And there are no green wires. Or any wires. And there are no wire snips. The wire snips are really just handcuffs. And I’m handcuffed to the bomb. How much time do I have to answer this question? The number says 20 seconds. Shit. Wait. I got it! Nothing! Nothing scares me about women! Women are all smart and beautiful and majestic! Unless, that is, you know, you don’t want to be labelled any of those things, of course! Women are free to . . . you have the right to not be beautiful or smart . . . or majestic. And that’s . . . ok. I mean . . . fuck.
What is the most taboo thing you’ve ever done with a woman?
I’m not answering that without a lawyer present… Actually, a presence of a lawyer would makes it even harder, because I’m not sure I want to spill the beans to yet another person. Torturing me probably could help, but I have a note from my doctor saying that I should be excused from torture for health reasons.
All I’m going to say is that it was consensual and legal in more than half of the states.
Unfortunately my lady times are pretty lame, besides the occasional random not-so-secluded spot to get down and dirty in, there’s not much more here to report. I really wish I could say otherwise, something to make myself look like a real pimp daddy, but I would be lying and that’s not my scene.
Maybe one day I will have a story that will blow you away, but until then feel free to use one of your own and just insert my name where applicable.
Depends on what you mean by “taboo.” What social norms are we bucking here? Because I once turned down a no-strings attached, one-night stand with an attractive woman (let’s call her Mary) because she was married. I was 22 and with a group of Italian guys I worked with at the time. The fact that they were Italian really has nothing to do with the story. We all looked like we walked out of Night at the Roxbury. My friends and I had been eyeing Mary all night. In the creepiest sense of the word. And when she approached me, I couldn’t believe it. I was sprung. In the creepiest sense of the word. We hit it off. All the way up to the point she pointed out that she was married. We continued to talk and it was fine but when she asked me if I wanted her number—she asked ME—I said “No, you’re married.” Seemed like a no-brainer to me. She was someone I just met and I had no idea who her husband was and I wasn’t with anyone at the time—so it wasn’t about loyalties. And I’m a flaming heterosexual so it wasn’t about desire. And I’m a horribly lapsed Catholic so it wasn’t about religion. I just saw a dead-end there. Why start something when all I could see was the finish? So I’d shoot a load on a stranger in some shitty hotel room. So what? The guys I was with looked at me like I was a unicorn being ass-pounded by a yeti. THAT felt pretty damn taboo. My male peers have never had any idea what to make of me. I’m always disappointing people. Like this answer. You were probably looking for a story that actually included sex.
My girlfriend at the time asked me to spank her, but not being a believer in physical punishment, I just couldn’t imagine why anyone would ask for it voluntarily. Mind you, this was before spanking was made big by the 50 Shades Of Grey books – books which I, by the way, consider a sort of physical punishment in itself.
She wanted to explore the dark dirt road that I keep diligently hidden to the outside world, only to be seen by still waters of the commode’s bowl. The said tunnel is an exit only, there is no in through the outdoor here, which I’m sure is pretty much the case with most men (and even some women).
Does this make me a prude? I’m sure to some it does; in their mind I’m a total “L 7”. I can’t help it though, because having anyone, or anything for that matter, around my bum makes me all anxious like if I was watching a horror movie anticipating the next big scare.
Man, I think this answer is going to be strike three. No. No lover I’ve ever had has ever made a request that has crossed the line with me. Well, maybe if you count the time I was having sex with my girlfriend and her dog was in the room and it started licking my foot. That’s all it took for me to lose the erection. And she was pissed. I told her the dog was freaking me out. Why did the dog have to be in the room? And what the fuck—it was licking my foot! She wanted me to continue, but I was annoyed so I wouldn’t/couldn’t oblige. So I guess having a threesome with a dog would be crossing the line.
Have you ever ghosted anyone or been ghosted? (I didn’t know what this meant, but apparently, it’s where you cut contact and never respond to them again. No calls, messages, texts, likes on Instagram or Facebook, no retweets, just radio silence.)
Yes. There was a girl with whom I was planning to go on a trip to Canada, and I’ve been waiting for her to call me back to go over the details of the trip for the last fifteen years.
I can honestly say no to this question on both accounts thankfully. I’ve never even heard of this term before, shows how uncool I am by today’s standards.
I have been broken up with through a text message, does that count for something?
Ashamed to say that I have. This was well before iPhone or Facebook or even texting. So ghosting was pretty fucking easy. All you had to do was walk away and check caller ID when the landline rang. Also, cellphones weren’t ubiquitous, so you could easily claim that you were nowhere near a phone. I had just gone to a concert with this woman I had been seeing fairly regularly. At the concert, something just clicked in my brain. I just started to think about all the shit we had gone through and all the shit I had put up with and I actually started to get pissed. And when I checked how I truly felt about her, all I felt was resentment. I was her safe, comfortable shoe. Someone she could slip on and walk all over. I decided during the show that I would never see her again. And I didn’t. I didn’t call her the next day, I didn’t answer her calls and I sure as shit never explained why. But I’m guessing that in the silence that followed, she was able to piece it together all on her own. Still, it was a cowardly way to handle it. Shitty as fuck. If I could do it over, I would. Not for her, though. For me.
What do you think? How about you? Have you ever ghosted anyone or been ghosted by someone? What crosses the line with you? Tell me *leans in really close and whispers* something taboo you’ve done that nobody knows. It’s only the internet. Nobody will ever have to know.
Please come back on Thursday because some of my Sisterwives and I will be answering our guests’ questions.