When We Flip it and Reverse it in Man(di) Cave

On Monday, I introduced you to a few of my friends from Long Awkward Pause. If you missed it click here to get caught up. You’re welcome.

Since I’m always the one asking the questions, I thought it might be a little fun to have my guests swap sides with me and a few of my dear SisterWives, so today, some of the girls and I sit on the hot seat while the guys from Long Awkward Pause ask us some of life’s most perplexing questions.

Drum roll please . . .

 

When applying lipstick women squint and when applying mascara they do that wacky thing with their mouth. This seems backward, so given the context, why?

catfeet

That is what is known as the “DeNiro Efffect” and it opens the eyes and mouth wider for the appropriate cosmetic, thus making it easier to blind ourselves with a mascara wand and get lipstick on our teeth. Or it means that we need to eat more fiber.

robert di nero

Mandi Writer CupI have tried multiple times to not do that wacky mouth thing when I apply mascara. It’s like sneezing with your eyes open. It CANNOT be done. I dare you to try it. And please send me the picture.

 

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I also want to see that picture. And stop watching me put on makeup, weirdo!

 

 

 

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I don’t do lipstick but mascara is my jam. And my daughter accuses me of doing duck face while I’m putting it on. Then she walks around the rest of the day doing her best mom-spider-lashes-duck-face impression. So I have a question for you. Why are kids such assholes?

 

A pair of scissors is one object. So is a television set. Why has this confusing evil been allowed to continue?

catfeetNo one calls it a “television set” anymore. It’s called Netflix. As to the scissors, you can’t just go around changing all the nouns that don’t make sense, as in: “For God’s sake, Howard! My mother is coming over! Put on your pant! Where is my glass? I need to find a scissor and I can’t see a damn thing! What? Of course you have to wear an underwear!” See? Awkward.

Mandi Writer Cup

You know? I don’t really know, but this is a very good question. I tried to call Webster, but Ma’am answered and told me he was busy with George, so I left a message. Stay tuned.

 

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Why do we park on a driveway and drive on a parkway? Why is it called a hamburger when it’s made of beef? Why does a ship carry cargo, and a car carry shipments? Nothing makes sense. Our realities are based on nonsensical words. I’m about to dive into an existential crisis……

 

11027480_10152742465796975_1865305187602279652_n[1]Why do you ask questions that make my brain hurt? This is just like when my kids were little and they would ask me questions that:  A. I can’t answer and B. make me realize I’m not that smart. Again, why are kids assholes?

 
I’m told by reliable sources that women’s’ restrooms are as bad as or worse than men’s, cleanliness-wise. True or false, and why?

catfeet

TRUE! Because of all of that pumpkin spice garbage we are ingesting. Do men talk to each other over the stall? Because women do.  I hate that.

 

Mandi Writer CupTRUE! Here’s the deal. Women are pretty disgusting. We have issues. Well, some of us. Some of my fellow gender think it’s necessary and more sanitary to hover over the porcelain throne rather than sit. They feel they avoid ass germs by squatting over the commode. When, instead, they are spraying their uric acid all over the seat, which is designed for sitting. Women, please end this nonsense. Do not hover. For the love of all that’s holy and the back side of my legs, please sit the fuck down and pee. I’m not alone in this quest. Other’s have passionately objected to the theory of butt-cooties as well.  Feel free to sign my petition on Change dot org.

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It’s like comparing apples to apples. Or piss covered tiles to piss covered tiles. They’re both disgusting. *shudder*

 

 

 

11027480_10152742465796975_1865305187602279652_n[1]I’m going to have to disagree with my girls on this one. Yes, women’s bathrooms can be gross. But it’s nothing like the stench and filth I’ve witnessed in men’s bathrooms. Although Mandi’s right, the whole hovering while you’re peeing thing? It’s gross and the people who do that are assholes. Why are there so many assholes?

 

If men and women could swap bodies, women would try out all the parts and then get back to what they were doing. Men would never leave the house again. Why do you think this is so?

catfeetI think that’s a fallacy. I think that depends on who you swap with.  Do we get to choose?  Because I choose Brock O’Hurn (The Man Bun Guy) and right after we take our hair out of that stupid bun we are going to seduce ourselves until we are comatose.  And then we are taking our fallacy and heading straight for Mandi.

And all you men who are staying home in your women’s bodies? Just hang tight, sugar. We’ll get to you.

Mandi Writer Cup

I’m sorry. Did you ask me something? I was *sigh* busy with a fallacy from the Man Bun Guy.

 

 

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Hmm. I beg to differ. I don’t think women (speaking for myself here) would try “it” out and then simply move on. I think the only reason I’d leave the house after a week would be to PEE ON EVERY TREE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD.

 

 

11027480_10152742465796975_1865305187602279652_n[1] Yeah. I don’t know what book you’re reading, but women like to play around just as much as men. That age old classic song, Girls Just Wanna Have Fun? It’s not just about partying, ok?

 

 

Much has been theorized about Dark Matter and Dark Energy. What’s your take on that?

catfeet

I’m opposed.

 

 

Mandi Writer Cup

I concur. Like a doctor. I think.

 

 

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Both exist, of course. I mean, how else are we supposed to account for objects – such as planets – whose masses are more than can be accounted for visually or otherwise? Or the constant, ever-expanding universe? There are forces that can only be explained by dark matter and dark energy. In physics…wait…I apologize…you talked dirty to me and now I’m all riled. #sciencenerd

11027480_10152742465796975_1865305187602279652_n[1] Oh my god Beth! That’s EXACTLY what I was going to say!

 

 

 

Every fall, women go wild for pumpkin flavored everything. What is the deal with pumpkin and when will you realize that he shows up every fall, makes you fall in love again and then runs away with all your money by December? Pumpkin is using you!

catfeet

Because Cinderella.  Duh.  Or maybe it’s a gourd fetish……

 

 

Mandi Writer Cup

What do you mean he’s using me? Does he have a profile on Tinder? He just liked my bikini selfie that I posted on Instagram, Tumblr, Facebook, and Twitter, and he sent me a dick pic on SnapChat this morning. You don’t know what you’re talking about. He loves me. And besides, he always comes back.

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I mean…pumpkin is fine and all, but I’m not into the pumpgasm that goes on this time of year. If anything, I’m using pumpkin when I want, where I want, and then I’m out the door. Don’t call me, I’ll call you.

 

 

11027480_10152742465796975_1865305187602279652_n[1] Nope. Not into pumpkin. Unless it’s pie. Mmmmm… pie. I will indulge in some pumpkin pie bizness. But it’s one and done for me. Because pumpkin is an asshole.

 

 

We want to thank the guys at Long Awkward Pause for coming out to play with us. It’s been a blast and if you haven’t checked out their site, you’re missing out. So go there. Now. But leave us a comment first. Then go and have some more laughs. Cheers! 

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