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A Long Awkward Pause in the Man(di) Cave
I always look forward to the Man(di)Cave, but this week I’m more than my usual excited. Here’s why.
One random Saturday, I sat on my couch watching College Game Day and perusing the internet. I stumbled upon an online humor magazine called Long Awkward Pause (a Humor Mag of Sorts.) I read something called The Saturday Six, and I fell in cyber love with this group of witty writers. Through several conversations with my fellow SisterWives, we thought it might be great fun to invite a few of the writers/podcasters over to our little corner of the interweb today. So read on and see what happens when we have . . . a Long Awkward Pause in the Man(di)Cave.
Please help me welcome my three guests today:
Jack DeVoss began his radio career in 1993 at WWCD 101.1FM. Taking his massive knowledge of all musical things awesome, he was promoted to Music Director / Assistant Program Director. The 13 years he was on air, DeVoss helped to define the brand new alternative rock radio format – breaking new rock bands like Pearl Jam, Blink 182, The Killers, The Strokes, Pete Yorn, Radiohead, Interpol, The White Stripes, and hundreds more, onto the national scene. He was the music critic for Citizen Culture Magazine and has been to SXSW enough times to be banned from three different hotels. In 2010 DeVoss moved to Cork, Ireland and spent two years working in the Guinness mines.
He now resides in an abandoned church in downtown Columbus, Ohio where he writes freelance and has a major drinking problem.
A career Army Soldier and tanker, BrainRants has been all over the world, mostly in places beginning with ‘K,’ and the obligatory sabbaticals in the ‘Stan. His effervescent and irrepressible personality has been used by Norm Abram to strip varnish from boats in New England. Harnessing his pent-up frustrations, anger and confusion, he vents poetically and from the gutter, mainly.
Twitter: @Brain_Rants
Omawarisan was raised by clowns. Now in his early 50s, he is still in recovery and has an incurable fear of balloon animals. Best known for inventing the octagon, he now focuses his creative energy on writing.
Twitter: @BlurtBlog
***Sidenote: Ned Hickson is one of LAP’s staff writers and already made an appearance on the Man(di)Cave. A huge impact he made.
Exactly how do you avoid sitting on your balls?
Practice. Lots and lots of practice.
Good question. The sad, sad truth is that we sometimes don’t. Observe a man sit down on a bus or train if you want proof. The best way to avoid this is to land first on your thighs and kind of ‘bounce’ into the seat. Physics helps you get your ass into the seat first. As I said, doesn’t always work. Any guy who bolts up from a sit-attempt like the chair is a hot skillet – he just sat on his balls.
If I’m not sitting on a stool, my balls usually make good decisions on how to stay out of trouble. Now that I think about it, that’s the only time those two have ever made choices that kept us out of trouble.
What thoughts go through your mind when you see your wife/girlfriend naked?
They’re so undignified. Sadly, every nerve center in my brain is flooded with a tsunami of testosterone and I turn into that zoot suit wearing wolf from the old Tex Avery cartoons. Watch this for full effect:
Three things are usually on my mind simultaneously: beer, bacon and boobs. The vision of my wife naked unexpectedly always makes the ‘beer’ segment vanish instantly. Bacon will typically fight for neuron-time for a while, but in the end, boobs always win. As you can tell, there really aren’t any other thoughts going on, so it comes down to a loud, Homer Simpson style brain-shout of ‘boobs!’
What is the least sexy thing women do?
Communication mind games. It’s like cohabitating with The Riddler sometimes.
I’ll assume you mean ‘genetic women,’ because peeing standing up through standard urinal-oriented organs would be scary. Limiting this to actual women, for me it’s a tie between too much makeup and desperately slutty behavior. The net effect is that of a clown school reject desperate to land a man – any man – for a night. Or five minutes.
I’ve been in relationships with women where I used to dread the days they’d go get their hair done. I thought they looked great before they went. I thought they looked great when they returned. So what’s not to like about that? It isn’t the hair, it is the hair questions.
I’d be asked what I thought of the new hair style. I’d say I liked it, because I did. That wasn’t the problem. The problem came in the follow up question, “which way do you like my hair better, like this, or the old way”. I could never get the answer to that question right. If I said I liked the new way, then I’d get asked “so why didn’t you tell me you didn’t like my hair the old way?” But speaking too favorably of the old way is also unwise. So I’d weather the storm caused by whatever answer I gave, unsure about why I was in trouble.
See? Wasn’t that fun? What questions do you have for our guys? Perhaps if you pose them in a comment, you might get an answer.
The answer to the question one is, obviously, manspreading.
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You go ahead and try a manspread as you sit down. I’ll have my phone’s camera ready. Go ahead, we’ll wait.
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I’ve been sitting like this for the last two hours waiting for you to take the picture. It’s really not as comfortable as I was led to believe.
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Uhm, okay. Personal problem? Where the hell are you, anyway?
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I’m sitting in a hair cut place waiting to get my son’s hair cut, mesmerized by watching men sit down.
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I am a regular perpetrator of the hair question. My poor boyfriend.
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Poor men, in general. I’m pretty simple, just tell me I’m pretty and smart, and I’ll be your best friend.
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Actually, I’m happier with smart.
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On behalf of your boyfriend, please stop! He likes it this way, he likes it that way.
He likes it with a fox, he likes it in a box.
Ok, enough of that.
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Yeah, stop that. We men really just love that you have hair, and that you show up. Holding hands sometimes is nice.
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You guys have the best Bios I’ve ever read. And I’m shocked to hear that you guys don’t love mind games… when did this happen? I thought guys loved it when they had to walk on eggshells, answer random hidden meaning questions? Do guys still like the age old “What are you thinking about RIGHT NOW?” question? I’m thinking it’s a good thing I’m married. I don’t know if I could keep up with these changing rules…
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The answer to “what are you thinking about right now” is either
A) Football
B) Boobs
C) I wish I was Iron Man
D) All of the above at once
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We wish you were Iron Man, too.
Don’t get us started on Robert Downey Jr.
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What about beer?
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Ok, you surprised me with C. I would have thought Football, Boobs and Beer/Food. And I have another question, is this in any particular order? Surely you’re not saying Football before Boobs?
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I think it depends on the season. I mean, playoff time, and I bet it’s football before boobs. Oh and if they play fantasy football, there’s no way our boobs can compete.
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I’m going to ask every man I talk to today that question. “What are you thinking about right now?” This might be fun.
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Ha ha ha…and you’ll see a look of absolute terror every time you ask. We don’t know what we’re thinking. Or we know we shouldn’t think that. One of those, I’m never sure.
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Do it! And sit back and watch their eyes glaze over.
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I was raised to believe that if a woman farted or swore she would never catch or keep a man. What is your view of women who exhibit traditionally “unlady-like” behavior?
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It’s all about context. There are appropriate times and places to fart or swear or do both together.
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Frankly, I’d rather nobody fart in my presence, but I’m guilty of F bombing. Frequently
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People are ALWAYS telling me I should be more “lady like.”
I tell them they can suck my dick.
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You know, it isn’t so much the fart as the ownership of the fart. My wife, though not always proud of them, never blames hers on the cat. I respect that.
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I admit on occasion that I have blamed my gas on Omawarisan’s cat.
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Gives new meaning to the phrase “Smelly Cat”
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Awesome. Guess what’s stuck in my head now?
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I think comparative analysis is in there too. You can fart and belch, for example, in front of your man. Once you start farting and belching better than him, you should worry. One hard rule though: no dutch ovens.
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Thanks, Rants. It’s kinda late in the game for me to find out that “desperately slutty” is not a turn on.
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Well now Samara, that’s only one person’s opinion. Don’t give up just yet. That and a little alcohol can go a long way toward flipping their switch and getting a rise out of a lot of guys. 😉
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Dan is just a forehead. Weird.
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Because he sat on his own balls and his face exploded.
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It was originally a gag gravatar sent to another blogger and it ended up being a signature thing that a few people have had fun with. It is actually the second version that has better color than the first.
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I was going to say that that forehead had good color…
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So what if you’re just slutty but not desperately?
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Works for me, you saucy minx.
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Not for me Mandi and Samara. Slutty and red hair may get my attention but it’s not enough for me. Lacking any charm of my own, I would rely on Samara’s desperation to seal the deal.
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Wait… there’s a separation of discrete states? Really?
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Hey, no problem. Reality-crushing is a service of mine.
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Very cool. Next I suppose you’ll write “Everyone’s Kid Is ‘Gifted,’ You Idiot”
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Not at all. Up my style road is, “Shut the F**k up and Do What I Said, After Your Pushups!”
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I’m strangely aroused by that.
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Bahzzuh?
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Gesundheit!
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The only thing that makes me sad about this post is that I WANTED MORE. I literally checked at the end to see if there were more questions (there weren’t, and I was sad).
You guys are fucking hilarious. Well done.
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Great news, the new name of this blog is The Sister Wives…and that guy with the yellow hat, the army guy and Iron Man.
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No problem. Not only were we encouraged to do this, but the Corrections Department counted it as our weekly contribution.
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Okay… as far as men go, I guess these three will do…
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Will do what?
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“Will do where” is probably a better question.
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probably whatever you ask them to… ha!
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Thanks, and as we say in this business, some things are “extra.”
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Jack, Omawar and Rants — thanks for representing. I’d say we were sitting on pins and needles in anticipation, but we all know it was actually our testicles. Well done!
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Thank you.
You know, I wonder why we’ve invented mugs with a guard in them so we don’t get coffee in our mustaches, but not one of us has said ” you know, if I cut a notch in this chair I wont sit on my testicles”.
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You’re more than welcome, Omawar!
Oh, and I think that’s called a toilet seat…
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I’ve sat on my balls, Ned, but never until they fell asleep and got that pins-n-needles feeling. Now that is talent, sir.
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It’s a gift. Possibly even a superpower. I’m not sure which. Sort of like The Force, it runs strongly our family. I told my son, “My father had it. I have it. And you have it — I’m pretty sure our dog has it, too.”
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I hadn’t thought about the first question. Ever. And now I every time I see a man sit down I am going to have the most horrifying visual and I hate you all for that.
I like to ask “what are you thinking right now?” and then silently count to five and then run out of the room crying.
Great answers! You are all hilarious! 🙂
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One time, instead of crying, just squint after a moment and say, “And consider that I might already know the answer.”
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You’re a genius!
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Ooooohhh! Doing that tonight. For sure!!
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Acutally, for your husband’s sake, don’t.
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Oh my GOD, I love The Man -di cave!!!! It always turns me on to read how much they value their wives/partners!! That cartoon Jack posted is the best!! I’m with Shameless above ^, I never knew there was a ‘sitting on the boys’ issue. This is another reason I love these posts, I learn something new! Good answers, guys! xoxo 🙂
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Normally, the first rule of ball-sitting is, don’t talk about ball sitting. We decided it needed a public forum.
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I’m starting a committee to raise money for research into the “sitting on the boys” issue. The t-shirts will say “walk for those who dangle”. I considered “let’s stamp out this problem” but quickly reconsidered.
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Ha,ha,ha! I’ll contribute to this very important cause. 🙂
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“cohabiting with the Riddler” hahahaha
You guys are AWESOME. So very funny. I loved all your answers. I have actually asked the Hubs about the sitting on balls thing! It’s such a curiosity for us gals. From afar, of course. Well done with questions, M! ❤
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I didn’t make up all the questions. They were donated by some pretty brilliant women.
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I’m sure the hubs gave you more info than you ever, ever needed or wanted to know. I hope.
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I can’t believe none of the fellas mentioned the balls to toilet water ratio when it rises too high and gently kisses the boys with an oh so ever gentle wet kiss right on the underside. Geesh!
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Gross
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You’re welcome
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Dude, you’ve got to stand up faster or flush slower, not sure which.
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Chris, what in the actual f**k are you talking about? Because it sounds like you need a plumber there in “everything underground is at a 4-inch depth Florida.” Eew.
Either that, or you have Premature Epic Old Man Balls.
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“Premature Epic Old Man Balls” that is a first and now a favorite on the Sisterwives
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Not yet….one day…and I look forward to wearing short shorts when that happens
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Premature Epic Old Man Balls? Wait, didn’t they open for Eminem at Austin City Limits?
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Yeah. They were called pearl jam. Just kidding.
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Did you just blaspheme Pearl Jam?
*looks horrified*
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No. Just their balls.
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Agreed – thou shalt not disparage Pearl Jam. Also, I’m a whiz at making up new terms like that. I wish someone would pay me for it.
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