A Long Awkward Pause in the Man(di) Cave
I always look forward to the Man(di)Cave, but this week I’m more than my usual excited. Here’s why.
One random Saturday, I sat on my couch watching College Game Day and perusing the internet. I stumbled upon an online humor magazine called Long Awkward Pause (a Humor Mag of Sorts.) I read something called The Saturday Six, and I fell in cyber love with this group of witty writers. Through several conversations with my fellow SisterWives, we thought it might be great fun to invite a few of the writers/podcasters over to our little corner of the interweb today. So read on and see what happens when we have . . . a Long Awkward Pause in the Man(di)Cave.
Please help me welcome my three guests today:
Jack DeVoss began his radio career in 1993 at WWCD 101.1FM. Taking his massive knowledge of all musical things awesome, he was promoted to Music Director / Assistant Program Director. The 13 years he was on air, DeVoss helped to define the brand new alternative rock radio format – breaking new rock bands like Pearl Jam, Blink 182, The Killers, The Strokes, Pete Yorn, Radiohead, Interpol, The White Stripes, and hundreds more, onto the national scene. He was the music critic for Citizen Culture Magazine and has been to SXSW enough times to be banned from three different hotels. In 2010 DeVoss moved to Cork, Ireland and spent two years working in the Guinness mines.
He now resides in an abandoned church in downtown Columbus, Ohio where he writes freelance and has a major drinking problem.
A career Army Soldier and tanker, BrainRants has been all over the world, mostly in places beginning with ‘K,’ and the obligatory sabbaticals in the ‘Stan. His effervescent and irrepressible personality has been used by Norm Abram to strip varnish from boats in New England. Harnessing his pent-up frustrations, anger and confusion, he vents poetically and from the gutter, mainly.
Omawarisan was raised by clowns. Now in his early 50s, he is still in recovery and has an incurable fear of balloon animals. Best known for inventing the octagon, he now focuses his creative energy on writing.
***Sidenote: Ned Hickson is one of LAP’s staff writers and already made an appearance on the Man(di)Cave. A huge impact he made.
Exactly how do you avoid sitting on your balls?
Practice. Lots and lots of practice.
Good question. The sad, sad truth is that we sometimes don’t. Observe a man sit down on a bus or train if you want proof. The best way to avoid this is to land first on your thighs and kind of ‘bounce’ into the seat. Physics helps you get your ass into the seat first. As I said, doesn’t always work. Any guy who bolts up from a sit-attempt like the chair is a hot skillet – he just sat on his balls.
If I’m not sitting on a stool, my balls usually make good decisions on how to stay out of trouble. Now that I think about it, that’s the only time those two have ever made choices that kept us out of trouble.
What thoughts go through your mind when you see your wife/girlfriend naked?
They’re so undignified. Sadly, every nerve center in my brain is flooded with a tsunami of testosterone and I turn into that zoot suit wearing wolf from the old Tex Avery cartoons. Watch this for full effect:
Three things are usually on my mind simultaneously: beer, bacon and boobs. The vision of my wife naked unexpectedly always makes the ‘beer’ segment vanish instantly. Bacon will typically fight for neuron-time for a while, but in the end, boobs always win. As you can tell, there really aren’t any other thoughts going on, so it comes down to a loud, Homer Simpson style brain-shout of ‘boobs!’
What is the least sexy thing women do?
Communication mind games. It’s like cohabitating with The Riddler sometimes.
I’ll assume you mean ‘genetic women,’ because peeing standing up through standard urinal-oriented organs would be scary. Limiting this to actual women, for me it’s a tie between too much makeup and desperately slutty behavior. The net effect is that of a clown school reject desperate to land a man – any man – for a night. Or five minutes.
I’ve been in relationships with women where I used to dread the days they’d go get their hair done. I thought they looked great before they went. I thought they looked great when they returned. So what’s not to like about that? It isn’t the hair, it is the hair questions.
I’d be asked what I thought of the new hair style. I’d say I liked it, because I did. That wasn’t the problem. The problem came in the follow up question, “which way do you like my hair better, like this, or the old way”. I could never get the answer to that question right. If I said I liked the new way, then I’d get asked “so why didn’t you tell me you didn’t like my hair the old way?” But speaking too favorably of the old way is also unwise. So I’d weather the storm caused by whatever answer I gave, unsure about why I was in trouble.
See? Wasn’t that fun? What questions do you have for our guys? Perhaps if you pose them in a comment, you might get an answer.