August
20
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‘Liv’ing a Lie
Your writer today is a bright, intelligent, wonderful lady…who is also rather an enigma. I first got to know her goodness-knows-where in the World Between the Wires, and was drawn to the bright avatar of a smiley, blonde-haired child she was using, as well as to her evident wit, humour and kindness. The more I got to know her, the less I realised I knew *about* her, in spite of reading her blog. There were grey areas and shadows, but the person with whom I was communicating had become a firm friend and a delightful presence in my online world.
My beautiful SisterWife Hasty has been running a #BeReal series, aimed at showing the world what ‘real’ is to each of us, and that we are all acceptable and worthy of acknowledgement and affirmation whatever we’re like – because we’re people who are just (in the end) mostly very ordinary. Gorgeous as the series is, it posed a problem for our guest…ladies and gentlemen, I give you Liv – Lizzi
Everyone has a story to tell. I’m no different. I love to tell stories. I’m lucky to have the opportunity to tell them. And to have eyes to read them.
I can’t #BeReal in the sense of most of the SisterWives and the other posts here.
It’s not that I’m not authentic. My blog tells more truths about me and my inner workings than anyone in the world knows. My truest feelings, my fears, my emotions – all laid bare for the world to see.
But I hide behind a façade. A made up name. The people who read my stories hear my voice without seeing my face.
Liv is a lie.
She speaks my words. She lays bare my soul. She tells my truth.
But she also lies.
To protect me. Little lies. White ones. But they’re still lies.
Is it really that different from my fellow bloggers?
Writers exaggerate. They tell tales. About Big Fish…that were actually quite small. There is a certain freedom to being anonymous. As the people who would be affected by my stories don’t know I’ve written them, I am free to tell them in my own voice.
So maybe, Liv isn’t so much a lie as a truth with a different name.
A rose by any other name?
In an unprecedented interruption, I wanted to jump in and ask for YOUR thoughts on this. At SisterWives we’ve published a piece from a writer who revealed their true identity, and was variously lauded, ignored, and maligned for doing so.Today my friend is choosing to remain anonymous, and I’d be fascinated to know whether you think blogging from a point of anonymity (or at least, a closely guarded identity) is akin to catfishing, or something necessary to protect the people who the author’s stories might impact, or something which doesn’t bother you at all.
How important *is* it to #BeReal online? Would it bother you to learn that someone you’d built a relationship with was hiding behind a mask? Have YOU ever hidden your identity? How did you find it? Are we ALL just playing a role here?
Let’s talk…
Liv by Surprise
Twitter – https://twitter.com/LiveBySurprise
Facebook – http://on.fb.me/1hhzMzX Google Plus – http://gplus.to/livebysurprise
Pinterest – http://bit.ly/1lInbN8
The SisterWives 
I’m very much not anonymous, but I don’t bare all. I keep personal relationships in a very neat little box online. I tell employers that my blog is often a caricature of myself, but it isn’t really. It’s just one part of who I am.
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There are definitely plusses and minuses on both sides. I’m lucky that I can share just about anything (I watch the husband stuff because he reads my blog) – but I can’t take credit for it. I’d love to go into a job interview and talk about my social media experience – but I can’t back it up without blowing my cover.
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Yeah, that’s something I very much do. But then I also have to add things like, “My blog is a caricature of myself.” “I’m not really that flaky in real life.” “I’m really ridiculous, please don’t judge me.”
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I love that you’re so you Chrissy. I’m sure that there are things you can’t be fully honest about – but your blogs come across as true life – and I’d like to think if we met up for a glass of wine we’d have a good laugh. Because you seem like that type of person.
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Well, I am Anawnimiss! But I’m more me behind the cloak of anonymity than I am in my “real” life!
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Yes – exactly – it’s so easy to hide behind it – I’ve even learned things about myself by reading my own writing.
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YES! You said it, A!
My husband reads my blog (*cough, er one of my blogs) and he’ll comment…”I didn’t know you thought that way”
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I think it is entirely up to a writer what information they are ready to share. If they only want to share a small piece of themselves, I am grateful for that piece no matter how small. I am nosey, true, but anyone’s writing is a gift brought into the universe and I am thankful. I can’t tell someone else how to write, I can barely tell myself.
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It’s such a personal thing – anonymous or not. We all have our own way of doing it! Thank you!
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I think there is nothing wrong with maintaining anonymity when circumstances demand it. When I walk into a room and talk to someone, I can see who else is in the room, who sees me, and (by the way I present myself) to some extent what they see. Posting personal things online is like walking into that same room, but blindfolded. Some folks will make their presence known (comments, likes, etc), and many will not. Add to that the fact that once information is out there, it’s virtually impossible to control who sees it and when.
Not using your actual name (or other personal, identifiable information) when blogging can be a safety measure for the poster.
The main reasons I blog under my real name are that my blog is not very personal (it’s a book blog for the most part) and that I want to have at least a little influence on what people find when they google my name (say, potential employers / etc). My blog is nowhere near as personal a space as some folks’. If it were, I would probably opt for anonymity too.
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I keep two blogs. One under this name where I periodically remind people it’s a psuedonym and another under my real name. I feel more authentically myself under my psuedonym than I do under my own name. The people who know me as “Kayla” know more about me than my own mother – in some ways. I have no doubt they have created their own thoughts and ideas about who I am as a person, but what they see is the innerworkings instead of the shell, the protective layering that I’ve used for years in my “real” life. Under my own name, I have to work very hard to peel back the layers. It’s hard not because I’m scared to show who I am or be who I am, but because I know that people who have known me for years have very clear notions of why they think I am – and they’ve been a little wrong. The shell is just as real as the gooey center but the shell is hard and never vulnerable.
I chose my online name so I could write freely about the things I wanted to write about, namely sex and my own sexuality, without worrying it would ever affect my ability to find a job in the corporate world. I never realized I would reject that world and strike out on my own. Now I’m in a weird crossroads of wishing I could combine the two sides of myself into one uber-person who’s real, tough, vulnerable, sexual, and everything that each side represents. Since I’m a work in progress (aren’t we all?), I might get there…eventually.
All that to say, I am never surprised to find someone writing under a psuedonym (especially in the cirlces I run in) and I don’t consider it a lie. Sometimes you have to take a fake name in order to be your realest self.
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Yes – that last part is perfect! Thank you!
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I am not anonymous. But I understand why people need to stay that way. I don’t think there is a damn thing wrong with it. I mean, unless you use it to fuck with people…that’s a different story. But that isn’t the case here at all. I LOVE Liv…by any name.
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Awwww…thanks.
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Awesome post, Liv! It must be hard to remain anonymous. Sometimes I wonder if I should have for the very reasons you mention. Too late for me though. I think it’s totally valid to remain anonymous for your reasons or any other reasons really. Congrats on writing for the Sisterwives, Liv!! ❤
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Yes – I admire the fact that you were able to put it all out there – but of course I totally understand wanting to see the other side.
Thanks Lisa!
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This is something I struggled with after I started blogging – not because I was concerned about my own approach (I am anonymous by name and location but that’s to protect my identity because I write openly about my divorce, dating, and sexual journey), but because I learned about bloggers who I felt were “catfishing” their readers to varying extents.
I wrote a post about it as I tried to work through the various deceptions we engage in as bloggers. For me now it’s really about intent more than anything else. But I still think about it as I read new blogs and wonder whether I’m reading something that appears to be true but is really only the truth they want us to see.
If you’re interested, my post link is here: http://wp.me/p3SI98-z8
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That post is perfect. We’re totally on the same page.
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Thank you! I’m glad you liked it.
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I feel that there is a huge difference between a closely guarded identity and catfishing, or any identity used to manipulate or coerce or take advantage.
I took some liberties with my name, and it’s not social security number legal.
But the liberties I have taken with my name are not for the purpose of deceiving my readership (which isn’t really all that large because I kind of just started), but rather to protect my paycheck. Oxymoron as it may be, the deception of name only increases the honesty of my writing.
There is a lengthy history of such choices from Daniel Defoe to George Elliot to Mark Twain to JK Rowling. Use your name, don’t use your name…the name isn’t what makes me want to read someone. It’s the writing.
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You’re absolutely right. Some of my favorited blog under a different name. Thank you!
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It’s a choice, and everyone has to make the one that is right for them. I wanted to be able to write my stories without waiting for my parents to die first, and without worry than googling my exact name would raise the gossip level at the office.
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I just wrote an amazing post about my mom, that will be hosted on the mid in the next couple of weeks…but I can’t share it with her or any of my other successes…because she won’t approve of or understand the rest. 😔
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I think it would be hard but necessary. It’s always funny when I meet an online friend in person and I say, “This is Des and this is Scarlet.” Someone once said to me, “Wait.. those are their real names too??” Indeed.
I do feel close to you as a blogging friend, even though I don’t know your name or face. So strange!
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I’m hiding behind an online identity right now, but it’s only to keep my employment options open.
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I wonder sometimes now that I’ve been doing it for a while if it would actually open some doors for me if I could say it…but I get you.
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I’m thinking that the doors that might open for me probably aren’t the doors that I might want to enter…
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I see nothing wrong with being anonymous. I often wish I’d started blogging anonymously. But for me, personally, it’s been helpful to find my voice and own it as me. And a LOT of people I know in real life read my blog. If I were blogging about divorce or heavier subjects that could hurt the people I love or cause trouble with my career or my kids? Damn sure I’d blog anonymously.
As for “cat fishing.” I think people need to not confuse cat fishing withhaving a pseudonym. I’ve known a few bloggers who write anonymously and authors who write under a pseudonym. In all the cases they were completely upfront about the fact that it was a persona they were using. Catfishing is when you are deceptive. You present yourself as the real deal and try to lure people in. History is full of accomplished and respected writers who’ve written under pseudonym and even as a different gender. This is art. There are no rules.
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😀 thank you.
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I am not anonymous, but I sometimes wish I were. My family, friends, and some coworkers know I blog – so that does impact what I can write about. For example, my son is gay, but he hasn’t come out to his dad or grandparents – since my ex reads my blog from time to time, I can’t mention my son’s triumphs or struggles in this area. Also, there are some things in my past that my parents don’t know about – while I’m not ashamed of it, I don’t want to distress my parents (as our religious believes are so different), so I can’t write about it, even though I would really like to do so. I’ve sometimes thought about starting another blog where I AM anonymous, but I can barely keep up with the one I have.
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I certainly hear that too. I’ve thought about starting a mainstream blog…with something close to my real name…but it’s so much work already.
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Before I had my current blog, I blogged anonymously. The problem with sharing personal stories and struggles is that we are often telling part of someone else’s story and struggles as well. It’s a fine line to walk and I found it easier when I was blogging anonymously because no one could find me on Facebook and figure out which family member I was talking about. When I decided to blog under my real name, I started all over with a new blog and struggled for months to find my voice. Ultimately, I didn’t find it again until I started writing as openly as I did before (minus some details here and there which actually made my writing better anyway) and integrating my soul searching into all aspects of my life. There is no right or wrong way to do it. I applaud anyone who adds their story to the blogosphere because we have such an opportunity to lift each other up.
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It’s so much easier when you have and can share your own voice. I agree about lifting others up. It’s so important.
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—I appreciate bloggers/writers who bare all, especially if their words give others permission to tell their stories. I find myself gravitating toward blogs like these because I want to hear the truth & build some sort of relationship w/ these warriors.
It’s like, “They get me! They really get me!”
Annie Lamott said this: “When I write, I pretend everybody else is dead.”
I believe this is the reason so many people identify w/ her…because of her authenticity & rawness & struggle.
On the other hand, I understand what you are saying here & I respect you for it.
xx Love from MN.
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I’ve been lucky to find so many other bloggers who are incredibly authentic – whether they use their own voice or not. The internet can be a difficult place – but sometimes it really rocks.
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Love Annie…I knew I liked you right away.
Love from KS 😉
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What a great article, Liv!
I can totally see both sides and I live both sides. I have a blog that’s my real name, my real life. My mom and dad and brothers and sisters and husband and daughter all read it. I wish sometimes that they didn’t because as Jana noted above…it can limit the topic. I’m real, but it’s still naturally filtered and softened.
I maintain a separate site for just poetry and fiction (and occasional rants) It’s not completely anonymous because it’s connected to my gravatar, but nobody knows about it.
That space gives me a place to experiment without judgment from the people who love me. And, I curse there, too 🙂
What a great article and fantastic way to engage everyone. I loved reading the comments, too!
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Yes – I can definitely see how it could be limiting. I just wrote a new one and told hubs the title…and he got visibly worried. He read it and was ok in the end…but there was a moment.
I LOVE the comments too!!
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I think our husbands would visibly worry no matter what we were doing 🙂
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I suppose that’s true.
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I think that whatever name or title you choose, what parts of your identity are true and what parts are self preservation camouflage, it’s the meaning behind what you share that matters. The message, not the messenger.
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That’s a great way to put it Karen. Thank you!
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You’re right, there’s a certain freedom that comes in remaining anomymous and privacy, which are key in a world that can know everything about us through the Internet. I feel like remaining anonymous is not much of an issue. Bottomline, the important messages are spread,if anything in a more truthful way, where you feel you can say anything without direct attacks to who you are in your normal, everyday life. The result is the same, impact is still made. Let’s keep our identity closely guarded. It’s a brilliant way of exercising our freedom of speech and our right to privacy all at the same time, on the Internet.
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Perfect! Yes!
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Sometimes the only way we can bare our souls to the world is from behind a mask.
I wrote my truths and signed my real name for two+ years, but as my remission from depression slipped from my grasp, and my writing started taking a darker path, the feedback from people I know was less than comforting. I craved anonymity, I wanted to find support and community from people who knew nothing else about me aside from what they read.
So I started the blog I write from now. There are still a few people who know it’s me, and it was hard to start over, as I basically stripped myself of the community I’d built over two years. My point is, I am able to say what needs to be said. I am able to say the ugly things, the painful things, the scary things, the any-things… and getting those things out there is what is important. If you are at peace with it in your heart, there is nothing wrong with writing anonymously.
That’s my humble opinion.
{A}
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I certainly understand the need for feedback from people who don’t know you.
Thank you for reading.
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I write two blogs, both with using a pseudonym. I protect myself closely, I bare truths all the time about myself, my history and what I think today. Interestingly, anyone who knows me very well could figure it out on this one but not on the other one.
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I wonder that sometimes too. If someone stumbled onto my blog – would they know it was really me?
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I don’t wonder, in some cases some would.
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I think it’s totally fine to write under a moniker, and I realized it’s easy for me to say this, because I do so, too. To protect myself and my babies from harm. I actually used to write with my real identity, only to have it be submitted to the court as an exhibit against me–that because I hadn’t blogged about the abuse, it hadn’t happened. Well of COURSE I didn’t blog about the abuse, because 1) for a long time I couldn’t come to terms that abuse was happening, and 2) because I clung to the belief that if I tried hard enough (to be the good wife, the perfect mom), if I focused only on the positive (because he could be kind in between the anger outbursts), the abuse would magically disappear.
Wrong on both counts.
It was quite the journey towards healing and acceptance, and part of that journey includes writing about it–hopefully to reach others and also to help me process this new life that I’m now creating.
So I’m also “real” but also protective of my name–as much as I can be, so as to protect ourselves from harm, so that in hiding our names, I can be more open about the struggles, challenges, joys, heartaches, and celebrations.
Hugs to you, Liv!
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I understand completely Jane. Quite honestly – I can’t understand why anyone would think that you WOULD blog about being abused. We’re taught that it’s shameful and should be hidden. And to admit to it with our “real” names…well…
Either way – I’m glad that anonymous you has connected with anonymous me…and maybe some day we can actually meet for real. 😉
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