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GENDER BENDERS
It is true and obvious that men and women are different. Most people would say what makes a woman a female and a man a male is the presence of a vagina or a penis. But it isn’t really that easy is it?
Beyond our biology, we are created and develop differently based on our cultural understanding of what it means to be a man or a woman. The complexity of how each individual is nurtured in relation to their nature – such as genetics or other functionally relevant changes that can occur to the genome, which can alter the way genes are expressed – make it difficult to study all the differing sexual manifestations the human race can exhibit. Regardless of what science says about the differences in our basic genetics, how different our brain mass might be, who has more white or gray matter, or how our hormonal chemistry might affect us; we are all left to find our own identities.
Sexual behavior, intelligence, memory, aggression, personality, empathy, emotion, and mental health are not gender specific. The bottom line is that most of us are born a man or a woman but we are all mixed up when it comes to feminine and masculine traits. We are all gender benders.
Male and female represent the two sides of the great radical dualism. But in fact they are perpetually passing into one another. Fluid hardens to solid, solid rushes to fluid. There is no wholly masculine man, no purely feminine woman.~ Margaret Fuller
Girls can wear jeans and cut their hair short and wear shirts and boots because it’s okay to be a boy; for girls it’s like promotion. But for a boy to look like a girl is degrading, according to you, because secretly you believe that being a girl is degrading.~Ian McEwan
Without even realizing it many of us assign a feminine or masculine quality to most things. I hear the term “That is so gay!” or “Does this look gay?” nearly every day and it isn’t only straight people I hear saying it. I am not even really sure what it means. I assume it means ‘That is so “feminine”’ but sounds more like “Does this look stupid?” Is this a form of gender shaming?
We’ve begun to raise daughters more like sons… but few have the courage to raise our sons more like our daughters.~Gloria Steinem
Obviously, religion has a whole lot to say about gender roles, and ancient history has idolized and condemned each of the sexes at one time or another. Today, as in the past, we are either judged or respected based on the differences we see on the surface of one another. Why? Stereotyping is a learned behavior based on a select set of experiences within a given culture.
Don’t we have more important issues to worry about? Does it REALLY matter what race a person is, how masculine or feminine someone is, or what genitalia someone comes equipped with, or how someone consensually decides to use their genitals? NO! It doesn’t; because if I were in a wreck and there was only one other person there to save my life I am not going to say, “Oh wait… you are too young, old, black, white, asian, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, Athiest, feminine, masculine, idiotic, short, blonde, bald, depressed, muscular, aggressive, beautiful, ugly, republican, democrat!”
I grow more and more convinced everyday that it is our insane super-hero ability to locate the differences in one another and then systematically pick each other apart that has caused so much of the difficulties we face today as a society. Anxiety, depression, self image, hostility, and apathy can all lead to lack of respect for ourselves and others at the very least and murder or suicide at its worst. How much of this is programmed into us by culture (i.e. religion, politics) and the media?
When you grow up as a girl, it is like there are faint chalk lines traced approximately three inches around your entire body at all times, drawn by society and often religion and family and particularly other women, who somehow feel invested in how you behave, as if your actions reflect directly on all womanhood.~M.E. Thomas
Did you know that there are around 31 million crimes reported in America every year? In 2005 the U.S. Department of Justice reported that 35% of woman where killed by their husband or boyfriend while 2.4% of men were murdered by their wives or girlfriends. Nearly 92% of rape victims were female and 73% of those where by someone that woman knew. And only about 40% of all rapes and sexual assaults are ever reported.
Twenty percent of all crimes are motivated by sexual orientation. Crimes motivated by gender identity weren’t even considered a hate crime until a few years ago. Sexual orientation and religion are now tied neck-and-neck with each other statistically, while racially motivated crimes still lead hate crime incidents.
Social media seems to only make things worse. Every political or religious debate ends up with everyday people turning into vile, angry, name calling, and judgmental bullies. I see it from the adult population more than I do with the teens. We find our differences and then we use them as a spring loaded diving board into heated debates. Even the most famous quotes by some of the most respected people can lift one party up while putting another party down. We must be very careful and diligent with our thoughts and our words if we are to teach our young children to be more respectful and mindful of others.
In politics, If you want anything said, ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman.~ Margaret Thatcher
“You ride as a man, fight as a man, and you think as a man- “I think as a human being,” she retorted hotly. “Men don’t think any differently from women- they just make more noise about being able to.”~Tamora Pierce, The Woman Who Rides Like a Man
I am a bowl of soup.
A whole bunch of different ingredients went into making me. I am probably a more masculine soup than I am a feminine soup. I am not understated or simple, nor am I elegant or particularly bland. Sometimes I am deliciously warm and other times I am very unappealingly cold. I am probably more of a corn chowder while my husband is a minestrone.
We are ALL bowls of soup. If we could just realize there are a whole lot of things that go into making each one of us we might be able to give people more of a chance. After all, you have to get close enough to smell and taste soup before you can judge it completely. No two soups are the same. For instance, my dad is also corn chowder soup but he has a substantial amount more corn than I do.
We wouldn’t try to change corn chowder into a creamy tomato soup. We would simply accept corn chowder isn’t our thing and go find some creamy tomato. We wouldn’t cuss at the corn chowder, we wouldn’t shame it into hating its corn, or its potatoes. We would simply move on and let the corn chowder be enjoyed by someone else.
It stands to reason that most crime could maybe be eliminated if we could somehow, as a society, stop all the negative labeling and conditioning. If we could learn to respect one another’s differences instead of devaluing them we could be a more productive society. What if we could all start seeing each other as big delicious bowls of soup?
What kind of soup are you?
Picture note: In this picture a friend and I swapped gender roles. I posed as the male while my male friend posed as the woman. In the end, there isn’t much difference in the two profiles other than hair and obvious dominance of one over the other. I believe our view of gender is based on experiences and learned behavior. We need to learn to see with our hearts not our eyes. Sight is wonderful but looks can be deceiving.
Please take a few moments to read some of the other wonderful posts on this blog and consider writing for us. You can find information on how to submit your own post by clicking here. Thank you for reading, Love Hasty
Previously posted on September 2, 2014. This post was highlighted by Freshly Pressed for her incredible writing and also for her genuine empathetic point of view. So proud Hasty is one of us. Together we are stronger.
Gr8
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An amazing article! Really well done
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Thank you 🙂
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Love it! I fully agree with you, and the soup metaphore… summed it up perfectly, from now on, when I’ll be trying to explain that to someone, I will surely use it! I would call myself a cooling fruit soup, full of every kind of fruits, every sip, every taste depends on which fruit has just landed on your spoon, which one you’ve just spotted in your bowl, and how intensively you’re chewing it.
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I love this!!!! It’s perfect!
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I loved reading this post. I went back thinking of how I was as a child.
The I consider what I would call a tom boy, not very girlie, probably
until I started developing as a female, then I was self conscious of
myself. I did grow into the feminine role though, and very girlie girl
now. I will say I feel at times I have a male dominate side, especially when
I write poetry. Like a male and female muse. I accept both sides of
myself and the many facets of what makes me me. My daughter
is not very girlie girl, never really has been. I remember asking her
not too long ago was she gay, that she comes across as “butch”
like….she’s not gay, and does like boys, but there is this masculine
way about her. She is 17, and I love her no matter what, and I also
let her explore her individual personality, not hide her real self.
I teach her to be herself, and to love who she is as a person
no matter what. We have a pretty good relationship, and we talk
about things, have good communication. I have NEVER sugar
coated anything with her, there is no reason to. I have raised
a very strong person who accepts who she is. Thank you for
this post, very well written!
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I feel like you are my reflection. Thank you for this comment. You get it and that is so good to hear.
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Fantastic read!
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I like your soup analogy. I have a question though. If the point is to stop stereotypes and not judge anyone based on anything other than their character, then how does one decide they are more masculine or feminine? How do people born with female genitalia decide they were suppose to be male and change that? Isn’t that also judging based on stereotypes? I hope this doesn’t come across as rude or hateful. I have just wondered and you seem more knowledgeable on the topic than myself.
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Why do we have to decide if we are either one? I think if you are born a man or a woman and it doesn’t feel right then that is something they decide (not society). Judging based on stereotypes is looking at someone who decided to become something other than what they were born and then making assumptions that would imply they are less than or deserve less respect.
This is just my opinion though 🙂
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Hasty, this is excellent! Congrats on being Freshly Pressed!! I wish we could all see each other as bowls of soup, and that if we didn’t like a certain bowl we simply move on and someone else can enjoy that bowl. It’s too easy for people to tear each other apart via social media. People think it’s acceptable because it’s done too often, and become normalized. We do need to be careful with our words. Good point.
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Thank you Amy. Today I met someone who was a steaming and spicy hot bowl of stew. I don’t really enjoy spicy hot stews on a hot summer day but any other day I could probably enjoy it.
LOL I almost got lost in my metaphor
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I’m not sure what this says about me, but my first, instant gut reaction on trying to think of myself as a soup was, “Good Lord, that’s not soup, that’s a toxic nightmare liquid.” I flashed on a vague image of a stewpot filled with water and random whole vegetables thrown randomly in – carrots with greens still attached and the like.
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Perhaps relatedly, that’s about how I played “mommy” when I was a child… by filling a convenient basin – pot, bucket, watering can, wheelbarrow… – with water, then uprooting whatever weeds were nearby and throwing them in, pretending they were vegetables. I suppose that image has permeated my unconscious and the reaction above is a descendant thereof.
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This gets into how we see ourselves versus how others see us. Another very broad and important topic. I may not love the kind of soup I am but others may find me delicious. Thank you for the comment and for giving me something to think about.
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40℅ male 60℅ female, genetically male!
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The bowl of soup image…I think it will stay with me for a while. We can’t keep categorizing ourselves and striving for little boxed identities. And it angers me how much pressure there is as a woman to retain more masculine qualities, never vice versa. And the violence perpetrated by this masculinity (my spin on it: http://annacirianidean.wordpress.com/2014/05/01/one-hundred-percent/). And and and… I could add an infinite list of sadly agreeing “ands”. Well-spoken post!
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Reblogged this on XCLUSIVX DIY fanzine.
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Packs a powerful punch, I live in a part of the world where women are considered as second class and your post reinforces in my mind the idea of how far we have yet to go
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Thank you for this response. I forget how far we really have come compared to other countries.
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Absolutely brilliant! You are spot on. Really lived your blog 🙂
Keep writing such beautiful articles.
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*loved
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Thank you 🙂
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I love this.
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Thank you 🙂
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Thank you so much for writing this! I have always wondered why if a girl can be “tomboy, hate pink, wear boyish clothes”, yet a guy can only like pink as a joke to be funny, shamed for wearing skinny jeans and cannot cry in public. What utter bullshit. But I guess that’s how society is.
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It really is ridiculous. It helps not one person. I guess we can just each choose to be better and leave the stereotyping to the Comedians.
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Bring on the Androgyny! Women grab the boxes! Men answer the telephones! Err…
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LOL ok but I don’t want to do anything where I could break a nail. 😉
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Pingback: Gender! Is it the reason why we act so differently? | Harold Jin's Site
I remember when I was like 9, 10, and I was totally a tomboy back then. Before that I had been very girly, but then everyone around started to teach me how to act like girls. They never did that to boys. Like, girls have to know how to do house work, girls have to know how to behave, girls have to blah blah blah… At one point I exploded and decided I wanted to grow up a boy, because I had learned from the community around me that being boys is somewhat cooler, or stronger. But then I grow up and realize how much better I can offer the world being a girl. I turned back to the girl I should be, and be totally happy with it. Now everytime someone says in front of me like “It’s so gay”, “Ugh that looks girly” “He acts like a woman” I would not hesitate confronting them and ask “What’s the problem acting like a woman”. I’ve shut up some of them that way. :))
Thank you for your amazing post.
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I love your comment. I love people, all different kinds…
There is no problem with just being you as long as being you doesn’t hurt someone else…
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Oh my my. I love this! And the bowls of soup analogy is beyond brilliant! I’m glad I read this. Thank you!
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Thank you for loving it 🙂
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An interesting read though I am not a man-hater.
I think I am more masculine than feminine in character. Yet I morph into a submissive feline when I am with my masculine gf. I hate it when my mom labels her as a tomboy.
I love the soup metaphor and is craving for a hot bowl of it at such wee hours of the night. I think I am a fiesty meaty minestrone! Wahahaha
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I love minestrone, especially feisty meaty ones.
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Beautifully said! I wholly believe the media is at fault when discussing gender roles and perception. Magazines, TV and newspapers all play their roles in deciding what a masculine/feminine role is and what they should look like. Throughout history gender roles have been set in stone, but it’s the 21’st century. Be who you want to be and love yourself for it
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Absolutely!
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Applause hasty. What a incredible piece. Thanks for this article
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Thank you for reading 🙂
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Reblogged this on Famousbeats.
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Reblogged this on The Wonderful World of Tatiana.
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Brilliant – Keep up your inspiring work my friend!
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Thank you 🙂
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Speaks volume. I dont understand the reason why this gender biasness has to exist. It makes me so angry sometimes.
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Reblogged this on kanelloni.
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As I was reading this I thought of my social psychology and psychology of gender classes as well as a book I recently read (do gentlemen really prefer blondes?), I found this to be an interesting article.
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It’s a shame you don’t have a donate button! I’d certainly donate to this superb blog!
I suppose for now i’ll settle for bookmarking and adding your RSS feed to my Google account.
I look forward to brand new updates and will
talk about this site with my Facebook group. Chat soon!
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Wow thank you. It is an amazing blog with 9 brilliant and beautiful women.
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Hi hasty ! Loved this one..it has a unique way of looking at an otherwise clichéd topic. Makes for an interesting read 🙂 If you can , plz check out my articles too , at http://www.amrita18.wordpress.com
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And just one more thing hasty , I noticed that you have put a lot of amazing quotes in between ! THEY are amazing and I might just use them for my answer on feminism for political science next week 😀
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Oh good I am glad you like them. I love using quotes when I find better ways to say things than I can. 🙂
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Amazing read!
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Forces us to consider how we raise our children, how we think of ourselves and how we see the world. Wonderfully done. Thank you.
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It often crosses my mind when I think about how to phrase things with my daughter.
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Hasty, I loved it. Very thought provoking. Great job! 🙂
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Thank you 🙂
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Incredible article… I think I am a bowl of loaded baked potato soup.
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I really love potato soup
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amazing article:)
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Reblogged this on fasihahfauze.
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Reblogged this on eYe_tAg.
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Reblogged this on TheNappyDiaries and commented:
Thoughtprovoking and inspiring… I love.
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Sensational info. I look forward to seeing more.
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Pingback: Ten Things of Thankful #64 | Finding Twindaddy
Reblogged this on odusboiblogs.
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We need more posts like this one! Amen.
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Thank you Amy.
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I think I missed this one the first time around! Brava! I loved the soup analogy — it’s a shame anyone feels the need to shame or bully others just because the other does not happen to be their flavor of soup. (I also love how your dad’s chowder has “more corn” — baaahahah!). I’m very much a “live and let live” type of person — unless you are purposefully hurting others or have specifically asked for my opinion, I’m not going to get in your business. However, I expect the same courtesy — I will remove myself from situations where I am not treated with respect and (if I care at all about the person who is disrespecting me) I will let them know why.
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Thank you Jana 🙂 I am trying to do better about removing myself.
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Now I am scared to make comments on these posts… I tried to answer your comment on the rape post, but it wouldn’t send and now I don’t see it in the reader anymore. I don’t know what that means. I do know that I can’t afford to go out on a limb and add anything that goes against the flow if it is going to be taken the wrong way.
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Don’t be scared. You had some great things to say.
The post most likely was taken down because the sisterwives are sensitive to removing any post that causes too much pain for the writer.
You can always send me an email because I’d love to know your thoughts ART.
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It was stupid of me to make this comment on another post. This was an awesome post, and not the right forum for me to be feeling sorry for myself because one person took one thing I said out of context… sorry…
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I am definitely chicken noodle soup, with curly noodles. Beautifully expressed!! I see our patriarchal society as being one so very full of fear and imbalance. As you stated, we are each a mix of masculine and feminine, drawing from whichever we need in the moment. I think that as things shift in society, hopefully more and more people will be drawn to honor the messages received from their heart and not their fear based reptilian brains. It’s definitely been working for me on a personal level. Women and feminine energy has gotten a bad rap for far too long. Time to bring things back into balance.
As a mother, it’s been interesting and weird watching how kids go from being accepting of everyone when they are very young, to clinging tightly to small groups of sameness (emerging around 8-10 years old), and having to relearn that it’s our individuality and uniqueness that will take us far in life; and to be very ok with that in ourselves.
We humans are a strange bunch with amazing potential. And I believe with all of my heart that the key to all of it is living through our hearts. That said, there are times when being a bitch might be necessary.
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I love your soup, Hasty 🙂 You write on heavy topics well when you emerge yourself in them. The photo for sometime I had thought both were you, given your mad (that’s mad in a good way 🙂 ) photo editing skills.
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