Tags
BE A REBEL
Since this week’s theme is metamorphosis, I thought this would be a great opportunity to write about a change that’s taken place within my perspective. It’s happened very slowly over the past two years and was sort of forced on me. That will make more sense by the end of this. It’s a subject I’ve wanted to write about before, but there’s so much inherent shame I haven’t been able to bring myself to do it.
Self-image.
My battle with self-image has been life long. I don’t remember a single day in my life where I was happy with my body. Okay, maybe that one year when I lived off of diet coke and cigarettes back in my twenties, and even then I would’ve changed some things had I been given the opportunity. I dropped to 115 lbs and at 5’6″ that was underweight for me and obviously not healthy At. All. But it’s the last time I remember feeling totally free.
For a multitude of reasons which I shall not delve into here, my self-image is tied into my feelings of worthiness. Do I belong? Depends on weight. Do I deserve X, Y, Z? Depends on weight. If someone acts like they don’t really like me….I assume it’s because of my appearance. Pretty and thin = worthy.
Of course, I never put that standard on anyone else. Just me.
I tend to gain and lose the same ten pounds over and over and over. All through my thirties and into my forties, it was the same old story. Gain some weight over the holidays, then rein it in and lose ten pounds. But I’ve never been above a size 12.
Upon entering my forties, I took up running and, briefly, crossfit. I was arguably the most fit I’d ever been, but also the most critical of myself. The expectations I set were stricter and more unrealistic than ever. It was becoming obsessive.
In the summer of 2013, I was viewing photos from a recent family trip to Colorado. When I saw myself in the pictures I cried. They were real tears of disgust and anger because what I saw was appalling in my eyes. A failure. Someone who is unacceptable. A disgrace. And I was bitter and resentful that I worked So Hard and still looked like shit.
I was a size 8/10. In retrospect, I looked fit and amazing, but I couldn’t see that then. Ridiculous, right? But logic doesn’t always play a role in corrosive thought processes.
I begged *insert Divine energy* to please let me have a body I’m not ashamed of. PLEASE. Please, I’m working so hard, please let my body reflect it. I just want to go out with friends and not be consumed with my appearance. I want to agree to that beach trip my husband keeps mentioning, rather than make excuses why I can’t.
And then that Fall and Winter of 2013, I started gaining weight for no reason. My diet and exercise hadn’t changed. Perfect, give the girl with body images issues some random weight gain. Ohh, the irony, right? It’s just my winter layer, I told myself. I’ll get my game-face on in January.
Come January, not only did I get my game-face on, I became vegan and began running again.
My husband, who went vegan as well, lost 15 pounds.
I gained 12.
Throughout all of 2014, I continued to steadily gain weight. By December, less than eighteen months after the weight gain started, I’d put on nearly 30 pounds. THIRTY. That’s a medium size dog…on my ass.
Panic and shame don’t begin to describe it.
please let me have a body I’m not ashamed of….
I stopped volunteering at the school. I started parking in the back driveway to hide from neighbors. I cancelled social engagements, unless it was with my most trusted friends whom I don’t feel judged by. I didn’t eat in front of other people because I didn’t want them to judge what I ate. I couldn’t risk them thinking, “That’s why she’s gained weight…did you see her eating?” or worse, “Wow, she’s really let herself go.” I couldn’t bear the thought that people might think I sat around eating cheeseburgers all day.
The courage I had to muster just to be seen in public – especially in front of people who hadn’t seen me in a while – was titanic, and usually ended with me crying on the way home. Mortified.
Even worse? I wanted to write about it, but was too embarrassed to “come out” to my online community as “not skinny and perfect”. Because then what reason would they have to like me?
please let me have a body I’m not ashamed of….
I went to two doctors who each did full blood panels and physical exams. It has to be my hormones, right? Or my thyroid? B12 deficiency? I’ll be able to take a pill and this nightmare will end, RIGHT?
“Mrs. Teliho, you have the cholesterol and blood pressure of a 25 year old and you’re perfectly healthy. Keep up the good work.”
Good work?? But I’m failing. I’m….I’m…the F-word….*drops to a whisper* FAT. I’ve become my worst nightmare. I’m a monster. How can I be fat? I showed up to boot camp at the crack-ass-o-dawn, in the hot Texas summer, on a Saturday, and flipped 200 lb tires in a parking lot. I took my own sweet potato to the family BBQ and didn’t touch the chips. I’ve been doing everything right. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?
There was a part of me – the logical part – that knew how screwed up this thinking was. I was so grateful for my health, and for my family’s health, and my awesome marriage…so many *real* things to be thankful for….yet I couldn’t stop fixating on my weight, which continued to pile on in 2015, albeit slower.
One doctor said I should try a juice cleanse to help jump-start my metabolism. I spent $200 on the best juicer and did the cleanse. I lost eleven pounds in two weeks. And gained it all back over the next eight weeks.
Another doctor sent me to a nutritionist who suggested a 40 day cycle of injectable HCG, which is a hormone that tricks your body into thinking it’s pregnant, while committing to a PERMANENT 500 – 700 calorie/day diet. This for the small price of $400.
Oh sure. *eye roll* That’s realistic and safe. I’d rather eat frog assholes.
I’ve always believed part of the reason we’re here is to learn lessons, so whenever I’m facing a challenge I constantly ask myself, what am I supposed to learn from this?
And then I remembered – when I was wishing I was back to the size I was in those Colorado photos – that I hated my body when I was thin, too. I’ve never been happy with my body, so what does it matter if I lose weight? I’ll still fixate, criticize, and stew in self-hate.
There have been several major movements in the media (alliterate much?) over the past year or so that got my attention. Curvy women living unapologetically. Models, bloggers, comedians, moms, authors…all of them embracing their shape, whatever that may be. Funny, smart, talented, successful women. Slowly, this began making an impact on me.
I was at the pool a few weeks ago and there happened to be a high ratio of curvy women. The astonishing thing I noticed is that they weren’t covering up. They were in bikinis. In the pool with their kids. Enjoying a snow cone and smiling. You know how that made me feel? Proud. Unashamed. Normal. Jesus, it was incredible. And that’s when it hit me. Our perception is our reality. If we’re fed images of beaches filled with size 0 bodies with golden tans and perfect hair, than that’s what we process as acceptable and realistic. Who are we to mess up the picture with our pale skin and stomach rolls?
I wanted to be a part of this incredible movement, and it starts with being a rebel and living unapologetically.
I searched for a lesson and I got one. Want to know what I learned?
I’ve been a fucking fool. We all have.
I learned I’ve been a pawn in our culture’s ploy to make money off media-imposed insecurities. The media that tricked us into thinking it’s adorable to see a thin person enjoy a dessert, and repulsive when a curvy person does it. The media that teaches us that there’s only one perfect way to look, and everyone else should be able to achieve that body with diet and exercise, and if you don’t, then you’re lazy or ignorant.
I learned that happiness is in loving yourself, unconditionally.
My body is a result of genetics, and my weight gain is (evidently) the result of genetics and age. The same genetics that gave me pretty hair, a great smile, high cheekbones and full lips. The same genetics that gave me a body that’s been strong and healthy for over four decades. The same genetics that allowed me to have two healthy sons. The same genetics that gave me the creativity, imagination, and drive to write a book and publish it.
I learned that I’m beautiful because I say so. I learned that weight doesn’t define me. I learned that appearance does not always reflect health and fitness levels. I learned all bodies are gorgeous, not just the ones the media pushes down our throats. I learned that “normal” bodies come in ALL shapes and sizes. We’re all normal.
The Universe works in mysterious ways. Turns out I got exactly what I’d wished and prayed for, but not in the way I’d imagined. My perspective had to change, not my weight.
I got a body I’m not ashamed of.
Yes, there are days I “relapse” into old thinking habits, and the shame seeps in my bones like a virus. Hell, this week in particular has been brutal just because of the vulnerable nature of this post. It’s something I’ll always have to maintain, just like any big life change. You know what I do to readjust my perspective? I think of my friends, and how when I visualize them, their weight never enters the equation. I think of their light, their energy, their laugh, and how they make me feel. How their happiness matters to me. I think how beautiful they are because of their amazing spirit. And then I picture myself the same way.
Nowadays, I choose food for its health benefits – and sometimes that means mental health and this gal needs nachos and a cold beer. I don’t apologize for it. I choose exercise I enjoy and I do it because it feels good, as opposed to doing it as a punishment for last night’s bread. I eagerly keep plans with friends. I get in the pool with my kids. I smile, a lot.
And I booked that beach trip with my husband.
Regardless of what the future holds – gain, lose, maintain – I hope I continue what I started here today, which is to represent myself without hiding. To be me, without shame.
To be free.
Oh, wonderful! Huge applause!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you, Sarah! ❤
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hottie
LikeLiked by 3 people
❤ you, REDdog!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Love you Bethie
LikeLiked by 2 people
RD, when are you coming back?????? We miss you.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Hello Roby! I don’t know, Darl, I’m busy growing up right now…one day
LikeLiked by 2 people
Well, we’ll still be here… 🙂
LikeLiked by 2 people
Love you more, Rd. and I miss you, too.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I snuck into my room during vaca to read this post. Beth, it is so amazing and inspirational. You speak for the majority of us women and you speak the truth. Beautiful, brave words.
I am happy for you and embrace your words. I have to admit that the older I get, the less I worry about my body. I still have my moments but I feel like I am who I am and whoever has a problem with my body does not have to look at it. If you don’t like it don’t look! Muchos besos to you. xoxo
LikeLiked by 2 people
Maria, thank you for your support and sweet words. Yes, I should be able to be more comfortable in my skin at the ripe age of 44, too, but the weight gain made that very challenging to say the least! But I guess it taught me something, so I’m thankful for it in a way. I mean, had I not gained the weight, I’d probably be sitting here still hating my body, so what’s the diff, right? AT least now I’ve got some perspective, albeit forced. I just can’t live with the self hate anymore. I can’t. My kids need me. My husband needs me. I need to be happy and confident for them, and for the health of my soul ultimately.
xoxoxo love yer face, my friend. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
I love that you are ready to set yourself free for you and your family! xoxoxo
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh, Beth. . . *tears in eyes* We’re twins . . .
LikeLiked by 1 person
I know we are, Katie. I read your comment on my blog and went all blubbery last night. Thank you for your words and solidarity and kindness. Today, of all days, I wish I could give you a big hug. ❤
LikeLike
Great read sweetie and you are perfectly beautiful on both the inside and outside. It’s your golden heart where the best of the best of Beth Teliho is. Have a great day and love you bunches 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
awww Mike, what a sweet thing to say. Now I feel all sunshiney. 🙂 Thanks for reading and for your friendship. ❤
LikeLike
Pingback: Learning to REBEL | The SisterWives
OMG, I LOVE YOU MORE THAN EVER, and I think I hate myself a little less now. You write the truth so why is it so damn hard to accept that as long as we worship false perceptions we will always be unhappy? Thank you for the words of wisdom, strength, and truth. Muah, Beautiful!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hate yourself less? Good! Then this post worked because that’s what you should do, more each day, until you have unconditional love for the incredible, miracle of a ship that is carrying your beautiful soul. xoxo
LikeLiked by 1 person
You are lovely in every way.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you, Lisa. As are you, my friend. xo
LikeLike
Pingback: be yourself, be beautiful… be a rebel (like my friend Beth) | my year of sweat
Pingback: Seeking #JustReal | Considerings
Pingback: In a world so quick to judge, just #BeReal | The SisterWives
Thanks for sharing, Beth! You’re an amazingly beautiful woman. =)
LikeLiked by 1 person
As are you, Jennifer! Hope you’re all settled into your new casa! Great to “see” you, and Thank You. 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks Beth. The new casa’s wonderful…it’s just taking more time to settle than I expected. Ah, such is life =)
LikeLike
I can relate to so much of what you write Beth, and I appreciate your honesty. I see other women and think they look fabulous, so why can’t I see it in me? They DO look fabulous, not because they are skinny or busty or have great hair or skin. They look fabulous because they look happy and vibrant. As do you, my fabulous friend!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yes! That’s exactly what I mean. I never EVER judge other people based on weight…..why on Earth would I do that to myself?? New rule – see myself the way I see others. You’re awesome, Dana! xoxo
LikeLike
This is incredible and so empowering! People are beautiful in all shapes and sizes.
LikeLike
Yes, agreed – all people, all sizes, shapes and heights….BEEEYUTIFUL!!! Thanks so much, Cindy!
LikeLike
Pingback: In a world so quick to judge, just #BeReal – By Lizzi Rogers | Kindness Blog
Bravo, Beth. I really think we all need to have a True understanding of personal health. My sister is lovely and perfectly thin, but that didn’t stop her from having a heart attack that nearly ended her precious life last year (she was 5 days past 37 at the time).
With each passing moment, I’m more convinced that what we see on the outside is N.e.v.e.r an accurate representation of what happening inside. A smile can mask suicidal tendencies and deep depression, just like a size 4 can mask a ticking time bomb of a heart.
Grace and self-acceptance are two of the hardest and most beautiful lessons we each can learn. Once we extend them to ourselves, we can more easily extend the same to others.
With heart & thanksgiving,
Dani
LikeLiked by 1 person
I read this months ago, but just coming back here realized I never responded and I apologize for that! I’m so so sorry about your sister. Thank you for sharing something that I know must be too heartbreaking for words. And thank you for your gorgeous comment and your valuable insight. I loved this: “Grace and self-acceptance are two of the hardest and most beautiful lessons we each can learn. Once we extend them to ourselves, we can more easily extend the same to others.” << truth.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Pingback: Ten Testosterrific Things of Themed Thankful, the Fifth #10Thankful | Becoming Vincent
You are beautiful! Period!
LikeLiked by 1 person
xoxoxo as are YOU!
LikeLike
Your image is striking to our world, Beth, please know that.
LikeLiked by 1 person
THANK YOU, MARK! xo
LikeLike
I love, love, love this so much! I have a background in fitness where I taught, judged myself harshly for 17 years. I compared myself to the instructors in the videos and even my friends and co-workers. I became obsessed counting calories, measuring food, and working out twice a day everyday. I was in incredible shape for my curvy self but I was so broken and miserable. I didn’t start really living my body till I grew life in it and became a Mom. Now I’m me and happy with that. I applaud and congratulate you on loving yourself and your family enough to write this. ❤️
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yeah, I think that was my “lightbulb” moment, realizing that I was just as horrified with myself when I was in shape. I never, ever gave myself a break; I was never, ever good enough. That’s when I realized it didn’t matter how much I gained or lost, I would always be miserable unless I changed my perspective completely. Self-acceptance has been a long, hard journey, but in a weird way I had to face my biggest nightmare (getting “fat”) to feel beautiful again. LIFE IS SO WEIRD.
LikeLike
Life can be weird but what an amazing epiphany you had with your self care! I was in the fitness industry for a long time and constantly saw how neurotic that best of the best thinking can be. I saw woman like me so damaged if they gained 2 lbs! I wasn’t self conscience before I was teaching fitness but I sure became that way after. It’s all about health for me now, feeling good and looking good are bonuses. Thank you so much for being so real!!! 😃🌟
LikeLike
Revisiting this wonderful blog. What a beautiful post by a beautiful woman!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I honestly didn’t realize this blog was still active! This was meant to be, I just know it. Thank you, thank you for coming back for a read (what an honor), which had me re-reading this post at a time when I needed to hear my own words and strength. Much love to you, I hope you and your family are safe and well. Happy holidays! xoxo
LikeLiked by 1 person
I don’t know why, but last night I felt like rereading several of the Sister Wives’ posts. What an empowering blog, then and now.
LikeLike