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The Man(di) Cave Gets Intimate (Kind of)
Turn down the lights. Pull on something more comfortable. I have a treat for you today. I’ve invited some very special guests to join me in the Man(di) Cave, and we are getting a little … er … ahem … intimate. Come on in. Sit down. Take off your shoes. Let me introduce you to my new friends (some of the best men I’ve had the pleasure to speak with on the internet.)
Have you met Matt? I just met him this week, and he kind of blew me away. He writes with his entire heart at Must Be This Tall To Ride. You should really read his blog.
Next in line is Joe. You can find his essays at developing dad. He’s also been featured on Original Bunker Punks, Say it with a Bang, MamaLode, and Sammiches and Psych Meds.
Jeremy is a writer and editor for The Good Men Project. He’s also been seen, well everywhere, Scary Mommy, Huff Po Parents, BLUNT Moms, just to name a few, but he can most often be found at his own blog: Nerdy Dad Shirt.
So now that you’ve met these lovely gentlemen, let’s get down to brass tacks.
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When you’re intimate, what is your biggest fear?
The biggest? Like, I have to rank them? Because there are 17 million things I’m actually afraid of, but I’ll try to cut it down to a couple dozen. What if it’s been a long time, and I get that “Holy shit, I’m having sex!” teenager feeling before prematurely finishing and looking her in the eye with that ashamed “I’m soooo sorry” look on my face while the Price is Right loser horn magically plays in the background?
What if I get nervous or drink too much and can’t rise to the occasion? What if I’m working my way down her front (or up her legs!) and when I get to Victory Lane, it’s super unclean and smells like 143 unwashed penises were just in there and then a slimy vagina monster jumps out and attaches to my face like the mouth-impregnator in the movie Alien, and then a baby vagina alien breaks through my rib cage and jumps out of my chest and I die while never even getting laid for the trouble?
That’s probably irrational.
I’m no Eros, god of sex, but I like to believe I know how to make someone I care about feel good. My only real fear is that she didn’t like it and doesn’t want to do it again. Eight more times. Today.
I hate to jump right out of the gate all mannish and detached, but I don’t really get the question. Fear’s not really an issue. Wait. In this scenario, is there a dog around? I used to be terrified of dogs. Didn’t matter how big, but the loud ones made me particularly jumpy. So, dogs. Or terrorism. I don’t know that it poses a direct threat to me at this point, but it’s a real precarious moment we’re in, in regard to international threats hitting us domestically.
Furthermore, I’m terrible at multitasking while I’m great at multitasking normally, I have to say, when I’m being intimate (which I’m taking to mean having sex), I’m super focused, you know, in an in the moment kind of way. I’d be hard pressed to defend either of us (or any of us, depending on the scope of the guest list) if we were to be attacked at that moment. I’m not afraid of bears, but I respect them. That’s true whether or not I’m being intimate.
I’m fearful of meeting new people. It’s a mild social anxiety type of thing, but this hardly ever comes up in this situation. Oh yeah, I AM TERRIFIED OF HEIGHTS. How could I have forgotten that? Not flying or anything, but you know cliffs, high open windows, anywhere you could lose your balance and fall to your death. So again, context is everything. Of course, there’s the more nuanced and beseeching meaning of “intimacy.” That shit’s terrifying. Let’s just leave that shit alone.
Well after three kids and fourteen years of marriage, the excitement for intimacy drives out all fear nowadays. We’re an old couple, but we’re always young in love. I don’t think I’ve ever had any fear during intimacy except maybe the constant fear of another pregnancy, but we’ve trusted science to fix that one for us.
There’s the fear of the baby waking up or the children walking in (which hasn’t happened yet, but if and when it does hopefully there will be enough laundry on the floor to block the door, and we’ll avoid any kind of sitcom moment). It really is a shame that our greatest, cheapest joy in life is also the costliest when it comes to raising children and the toll it takes on our bodies (not forgetting disease too), but it’s almost never not worth it.
What is the one thing that you wish a woman would do in bed that she never does?
Oh man. How about the fact that she refuses to gargle just-used anal beads? Or that she won’t wear the Smurfette outfit I bought her and scream “Do me harder, Gargamel!” on a live webcam? I’ve asked repeatedly to live blog the encounter with my laptop on her back but she always complains about how hot the battery feels even though she probably drips hot wax on her naked body all the time when I’m not around. What a prude.
(Just kidding. There is no “she.” I’m totally single and it often blows, but not in the fun way.)
I’ve never had someone invite her hot friend to join us. I’m not ashamed to say I’m totally cliché, and that at my most depraved, that sounds delightful.
(If my mom or grandma somehow read that, one or both of them literally just died. Thought you should know.)
What is something you wish your partner knew but you don’t want to tell her?
True story: I was married for nine years. And not one time during those nine years was I forthright and transparent with my wife about sex. Sometimes when you’re raised in super-conservative environments (like me), you develop beliefs and complexes about sex. Guilt and shame follow. If you know anything about guilt and shame, you know that bedroom activities don’t benefit from them. There are a variety of behaviors and activities that can elevate ho-hum married people sex to Yessssssssssss. That. Wow. Holy shit. I need to smoke. And then we should do that again.
But when you have guilt and shame complexes and are too afraid to open up to your spouse on intimate matters, you pretty much guarantee you’ll never achieve it and can be fairly certain you will probably get divorced (also like me).
It was a hard lesson to learn. I was afraid to talk about it. And everything broke and we died.
So, next time? If there’s something I wish she knew? I’m just going to tell her. Unless it’s about her hot friend she never invites to join us.
If this is still in regard to the ‘intimacy’ area of life, then I’d say that I’d love for her to know how much my tastes have changed, as we have, both individually and as a pair. I still like the same things, still want the same things but my reasons for wanting her have changed in real and, I think, good ways.
I don’t know how many of you are familiar with the ‘pornography’ genre of cinema, but it’s a fairly popular, practically universally appreciated form of visual storytelling for men. At least the stuff I’ve seen. I’m to understand there is an equivalent for women. Give it a whirl it’s titillating. Anyway, sexual druthers are sorted and categorized and you can search by preference.
Well, turns out, now that I’m here, I like different things then when I was elsewhere. This is more surprising to me than to anyone else. What makes you, ready, what makes your body react, you seem to think it’s hardwired and unchanging, but it isn’t. I’m totally turned on by women my wife’s age my wife. I’m a fan of her ‘MILF’ness. Her caring and nurturing are a turn on, as his her age and her changing body. Finding this out is like a fountain of youth! I’m crazy turned on by my wife BECAUSE she’s had kids, has a new body to explore and has a warm motherly aura. I understand how Freudian and kinky this sounds. I’m okay with it.
You mean something I not only wish she knew and that I don’t want to tell her, but I’ll go ahead and tell her anyway as well as thousands of readers? Sounds good! The whole “til death do us part” applies to these kinds of things, right? I guess it would have to be something along the lines of how beautiful she is and how much I love and want her, regardless of how she thinks of herself.
This seems to be a common theme for the sexes since middle school–one half spends all their time self-analyzing body image while the other half spends all their time slobbering over the other half, no matter what height or shape. Men’s favorite past time is looking at women. It’s pretty simple. And when you’re in love and you want the person, you just want the person, regardless of what she thinks of herself. I realize I’m oversimplifying here, but I think most men (and women) just want their partners to know they want them–skin, warts, imperfections, missteps, bad breath, and all. Not that my partner has any flaws. But I think my wife knows all that. She’s wicked smart.
Thank you Matt, Jeremy, and Joe for your sweet, candid, and funny answers. You’ve been great sports. How about we continue this titillating discussion in the comment section? What do you think? Did they nail these questions? Did they leave you wanting more? Anyone else leaving with a bit of a crush?
Ow wow…enlightening! This is awesome. And I’m still laughing at ‘vagina monster’. In fact, my vagina monster is still laughing about vagina monster.
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That’s a real thing to be afraid of, probably.
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I love boys who can write. More than just their name in the snow. I’ve had writer crushes on these three for weeks. In fact, I’ve already read this three times. I can’t pick a favorite! Have to read it again…
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On the basis of successful marriages and (presumably?) active sex lives alone, I think you have to go with Joe and Jeremy as a tie.
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You get bonus creativity points for using the phrase “gargle just-used anal beads.”
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Awesome! I’m going to add that bullet point to my LinkedIn profile.
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Nope. Quit selling yourself short, Matt … see what I did there? I sometimes make myself laugh and wonder if anyone else gets it.
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Says the “worst sisterwife.” 😉
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Worst!!!!
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Still laughing at used anal beads… hard. Omg you are a brillant and funny as hell writer! Where have you been all my life hahaha
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Thank you! I’ve been in Ohio, living the most non-Hasty-like, mundane existence imaginable!
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This is by far THE best sisterwives post ever! I adore these guys. Thanks for the laugh. Sharing
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This is awesome. Always cool to hear a man’s perspective on this stuff and it is enlightening. Thanks for being open enough to say what lots of us wanna know.
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They did great! Nailed it, I’d say.
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I’m totally stealing “do me Gargamel.” Consider it screamed…or whispered loudly, we have kids.
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I’m with you, Nikki. It’s going to take my wife by surprise and it will be really hard to find a moment when it applies, but its just too damn good not to use!
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If you don’t write about *this moment* you might just need to quit the internet.
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I feel like I really contributed something valuable to society today.
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And for that, we thank you, Matt.
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Wait, wait, wait…
3 more guys in the Man(di) Cave? How is that possible? How is there… room? And, how are they allowed to be this funny?! Showing up the previous trio… not cool. Not cool at all. I think, we may have to do something about that.
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It’s funny you should mention that, Matticus. I have considered a Man(di) Cave battle. Kind of like road rules. Remember that show??
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Yes, i remember Road Rules, and I’m game for a Man(di) Cave battle. I’m not sure I’m okay with the making out part, though… the screen gets in the way, and feels funny on my lips.
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Matticus, you know about me and men named Matt…
And you are one of a kind. Don’t worry.
Although I do kind of like a competition. Can we do it more like Hunger Games, instead of Road Rules?
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But then they will have to fight to the death. And I can’t imagine losing any of these guys to some gruesome death. And in road rules, they make out a lot.
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Make out a lot?
Hmmm.
May the odds be ever in our favor.
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Are you challenging me to a battle of the wits? To the death?
I accept.
I also accept that perhaps I’ve watched Princess Bride a few too many times.
Never mind. That’s not possible. You might even say… inconceivable.
And, yes, I know that Matt’s are trouble. I am a Matt, and I freely admit, and always have, that we are trouble. But, usually we are worth it. Except that one time…
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You are all worth the trouble. Even that time.
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*ahem* Redhead. The odds are already always in your favor.
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Don’t I know it.
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I would LOVE to feature on The Man(di) Cave one day. You have a rabid fanboy here! But I promise not to go all Kathy Bates on ya.
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Hmmmm…taking notes, Vince.
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*tucks my legs comfortably beneath me.*
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I hope that’s a good thing…
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Reblogged this on xdayschocolate.
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This is LITERALLY the best thing I have ever read. Ever. In my whole life. xoxo
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Hi, Andi. Glad you stopped by. Check out the other Man(di) Cave posts when you have time. They’re all brilliant, but this is the first time we’ve gotten … a little more naked.
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Dear GOD! I think that necklace I got for my wife from Craig’s List wasn’t a necklace at all! That would explain why there was no clasp! And why it smelled like…
Nevermind.
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Is this a good place to ask if it’s ok that I stop several times in a really good position to take a selfie during sex? I mean… I will never look this young again and well… parts of it if in the right light and cropped right could be useful as oh…. a blog post or a book cover.
Also… none of this is true but considering who I am I bet most people would believe it 😉
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I love you hasty, and you have my email address. Just sayin…
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hmmmm guard your email …
Cause well…. stuff lol
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Haha. I just got a visual of selfies during sex. And from someone who’s had the privilege to take a selfie with you, I can hear it now, “pucker up your lips a little. Now mess up your hair. Let’s play with the angle.” Yeah I’d totally take sex selfies with you. Hahahaha.
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I just got a bit more excited than o should … Ummmm be right back
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Man, my life is boring.
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The Sisterwives have never looked as good in selfies as we do since the “Hasty Tutorials”
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LOL tutorials more like my attempt at getting sexy pics sent to me by my pretty SW 🙂
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Boobs
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Depends on what position I’m in at the time. I’m not all that young either. 😉 That’s a lot of cropping going on. I do know a lot about lighting though, so there is that.
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Yes sex selfies would require lights on and well… possibly flashlights and glow sticks and…
I am shutting up now…
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What do you know? We finally found something to write about together. 🙂 You had me at lights on and flashlights and glow sticks and…I’ll need to take a quick break…well, not too quick. Savoring the moment…*UNF* Got a light? Moving on.
Speaking of flashlights, years ago, I was at the Mitchell Brothers O’Farrell in SF. We were in this room with seating all around the walls and the girls “danced” in the center. The patrons were given flashlights with long glowing wand ends like airports use to marshal planes to the gates. The light comes out the end in a small beam. It was interesting to see what the various men focused the beams on. The Asian tourists, of which there were many, seemed fascinated by this option. Porn in Asian countries was and still is pretty restrictive with the odd exception of anime. Some very odd stuff there.
I’m stocking up on batteries as we speak…and about those glow sticks. Where? How? I mean…you know. At least they have a string on them so they can’ t get to far away.
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LOL I can’t even…. but glow sticks do give me a cool idea for real.
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Maybe another time and place. 🙂 I would like to hear it though. I found this idea on Dating Divas about using Dayglo markers and a black light. It looked like fun. Have patience with the page load time. It will be worth the wait and is SFW.
http://www.thedatingdivas.com/kiirsten/go-picasso/
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*Clapping non-stop! This is one of my fave Mandi Cave posts, though they are all good! I loved how intimate & honest these men got on here. In front of so many! I give them credit and thank them for their perspective. My husband ‘loves’ me even when it’s first thing in the morning and I have yet to brush my teeth. He’ll take it any way he can get it. LOL. 🙂
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Thanks Mandi and everyone! MATT you need a Facebook presence! And this post was “wife approved” so I’m an even happier bedtime camper 🙂
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Not to put too fine a point on it, Jeremy, but if I had a Facebook presence, I would have maybe killed my mother today, and for sure killed my grandmother.
One of these days, I’m going to shed my quasi-anonymity. Too scared to start today. 🙂
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If it helps, anonymous, if that is your real name, I have a decent facebook presence and I managed to completely avoid anyone in my life seeing this. Wasn’t that hard. I have a mother who priests are afraid of. An ANGEL of a woman, sweet and loving, but SERIOUSLY religulous and she would’ve died too. I’m with Jeremy… get out there brother man.
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I agree ^^
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Man, I sure look cool with my response from “Anonymous.”
That’s kind of hilarious for two reasons:
1. Because the entire point of the response was based on anonymity and irony is super funny.
2. Because it makes me look like a total moron.
Phone posting is tricky business.
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I wondered. I almost emailed you and asked if I needed to take your photo down. HH
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I’m always good for one solid dork move. Now we know I’ll be on point the rest of the night. Whew.
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And that was supposed to be haha. But HH is good too. If it means happy hour.
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I love, love, love this post! I do have some of my own follow up questions…
Ha ha!
Of course I do.
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Spill!!
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Ha ha @ Mandi – if you saw the raw vulgarity spewing out of my blog, you wouldn’t dare want me to answer that!!! Ha ha!!!
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Hey…we are uncensored here.
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Thank God! Or whoever!!
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This is an episode of “Naked and Afraid”!
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I want to have a beer with all three of you guys! You’re SO COOL, and approachable, and sweet, and funny, and and and I lOVED this Man(di) cave.
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The feeling’s absolutely mutual, Beth. Thank you!
Can it please be more than one beer, though? (I have a minimum three-drink policy.)
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Oh my GOD!!! You’ll never believe this, its like crazy, magic world, serendipity, but I LOVE beer!!
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I am laughing so hard I am literally laughing down the inside of my thigh. Ya’ll are terrible, funny but terrible. The vagina monster? Is that a real fear? Well I guess it is. You could fix the battery burn with some insulation, it works.
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I will never forgive myself for missing out on this…
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