June
11
Tags
Fuck You Purity.
A group of young girls sit in a circle in a dimly lit room. They are trying not to giggle as they listen to the group leader talk. They squirm uncomfortably at the mention of certain words. Sex. Virginity. Lust. Their snickers stop and their backs stiffen at the next word uttered. Purity.
The group leader then passes around a white rose. She asks each of the girls to take a petal. By the time the rose makes it around the circle there are only a few wilted petals left. Soiled by sweaty hands and drooping in symbolic shame.
This is you if you give yourself to someone before marriage.
The giggling has stopped and the girls absorb the weight of what they just heard. Their value and worth can be taken away, like that.
Which rose do you want to be?
The loaded question aimed like a gun at each vulnerable girl’s heart.
***
Purity. The gold standard of goodness, cleanliness. Holiness.
I don’t get it.
I think it’s all bullshit.
Let me clarify. If you choose to remain a virgin until you’re married because it’s what your heart tells you to do? I’m not calling that bullshit. That’s a very private, very personal choice. And I’m all about choice.
I am calling bullshit on the pressure. On the guilt. On the mentality that purity is the only way to be worthy of love. On the irrational attachment to a virgin status.
I’m calling bullshit on the word and the idea.
Fuck you purity.
You are holier than thou wrapped up in condescension and judgement.
You are a beast of burden placed on young girls who are trying to figure out who they are and where they fit in.
You are fetishizing virginity.
You are firing up uneducated loins and fanning the flames with ignorance.
You have no place in a mature and educational discussion about sex.
And it makes me angry.
Because I don’t like shame. I don’t think shame ever produces anything healthy or productive. Not when it comes to parenting or relationships and not when it comes to sex.
Because I have seen what the purity mindset has done to girls.
I have listened to a friend describe the ridiculously flawed and phallic white rose purity lesson that she had to sit through at a young age. With her words catching on emotion she goes on to describe a “date” with a much older boy that went too far. She talked about it in ambiguous terms until she choked out the word that summed it up: rape. She talked of the shame and guilt she felt because she would never be that white rose again.
THIS is fucked up.
Because I read a transcript of a speech given by Elizabeth Smart at a Human Trafficking Conference. She details how her upbringing focused on purity added to her feelings of worthlessness after she was raped repeatedly while in captivity.
Smart then goes on to tell of a teacher who used a chewed gum analogy for sex (similar to the white rose “lesson”). She explains the feeling of worthlessness and shame realizing that she was the chewed piece of gum.
THIS is fucked up.
Teaching young girls that their value is contingent upon their virginity is a disaster in the making.
It is archaic. It’s roots run deep in a patriarchal society hell bent on controlling women. On keeping paternity of offspring intact and unquestioned for harvesting of fields. Archaic.
It is based on a mindset that views women and girls as commodities.
It teaches girls that their worth lies between their legs.
Their heart and their minds? Secondary to their precious flower.
THIS is fucked up.
Hypocrites all over the world are demanding a status that is nothing more than a notion, an ideal. A standard most of them never met. But it doesn’t stop them from placing this on the shoulders of a little girl.
Bullying by way of manipulation and coercion.
What happens to that girl if she doesn’t meet the standard?
Will she feel unworthy of love? Not valuable enough to seek out and find a healthy relationship?
Will she find herself so riddled with guilt that she can’t enjoy sex, even in marriage? So entrenched in the dirty mindset that orgasms are far out of her reach?
Will she allow herself to be mistreated because she has been taught that she matters less once she is no longer “pure?”
Or will she rush into a hasty marriage at a young age because her desires are scaring her and she worries about temptation?
Will she avoid relationships for fear of intimacy? And in doing so miss out on the valuable lessons that relationships teach us? Miss out on the emotional maturity that we develop when we go through the process of opening ourselves up to people?
What if she finds herself in an unhappy marriage. Will she feel trapped, bound by carnal contract?
What if she marries a man and there is no sexual chemistry? What if she realizes that not exploring this side of the relationship has her “in like” with a husband and unfulfilled? For life.
What happens if she is raped? Sexually abused? An already traumatic and terrorizing assault amplified by the affect it has on her virgin status.
Will she keep it to herself out of fear of lowering her value on the wife market?
Will she refrain from getting help, reporting it to police or even speaking of it because she feels the way Elizabeth Smart felt? No longer of value? No longer as good?
Tell me, what good comes of any of this?
Fuck you purity.
Take your pristine, your clean, your ancient and unrealistic and unattainable notions and get the hell out of the way.
Because we need to educate a new generation of girls.
We need to teach them that they matter. That they are more than what someone can take from them and more than something they can give away. They are not something that rises and falls with a label or a status.
We need to teach them that what matters is mutual respect. Self respect. Ownership. Autonomy.
We need to teach them how to decide for themselves what is precious and what is sacred without thrusting it upon them like sheep or shoving it down their throats.
We need to teach them how to be strong and resolute and confident in their convictions and their own ideals.
We need to tell them that it’s ok to enjoy and relish and rejoice in their sexuality and the gifts that it offers.
We need to teach them to recognize shame and guilt for the thieves that they are. And teach them not to listen to, heed or subscribe to any notions that employ them.
We need to teach them that mindsets that place all the burden of purity on girls is abusive and destructive and corrupt.
We need to teach them to love themselves enough to eschew bullshit comparisons to roses or chocolates or chewed gum.
We need to teach them how to protect their health and their choices.
We need to separate sex from shame.
We need to take the sexuality out of rape and abuse and treat them like the sick and twisted acts of violence they are.
We need to take sex out of the conversation when it pertains to rape and abuse. It’s time to grow up and see the difference between the two and not turn away from the crime because it makes us uncomfortable.
And you better damn well believe that it all starts with the pursuit of purity and virginity.
We need to accept that our daughters will grow up and that they will be fully independent sexual beings and while this makes us uncomfortable we can’t try to keep them in the little girl role and then thrust them into adulthood and intimacy in one rash move.
We need to allow conversations to happen and to not look away in awkwardness or embarrassment because we are still stuck in an our own uncomfortable place.
We need to start raising our girls without conditions or qualifications.
We need to collectively grow up.
We need to take purity, the idea, the notion, and place it squarely where it belongs. In the past.
The SisterWives 
I will be the FRIST to cheer you on, darling, but I assure you, this isn’t a lesson only given to girls, especially in religious circles. I experienced such shame about sexuality — masturbation was dirty and sinful, virginity was idolized for both boys and girls.
LikeLiked by 5 people
Yes, I agree that boys feel this pressure too. But culturally and historically girls bear the brunt of this. They are the ones who can carry living proof of virginity (in form of pregnancy or intact hymen, though the hymen thing is a fallacy). And so often girls are demonized and beaten and shunned and considered worthless if they aren’t pure. But yes, boys come under the pressure and shame too. I just think that the purity thing really factors into rape culture. There should be no shame around sex or masturbating for either sex.
LikeLike
God you’re good, Gretchen. I was taught purity. I was told to wait until I was married. Because that’s healthy. Because that’s safe. Because that’s what my dad wanted. When I moved in with my husband (3 years before we got married), my (preacher) dad asked if he could marry us. Because I was “living in sin” and that was shameful. I am for everything you said here. Not just because, I felt shame and like I was disgusting to my family, but also because I was never taught the wonder and joy of sex and that I would actually want to do it. I needed an article like this when I was a teenager. My daughter will be taught one thing. When it comes time for her to explore sex, only one person gets to make that decision. She does.
LikeLiked by 10 people
Thank you my sweet friend. I hate that you would have to feel like you were disgusting to your family. As a parent, doesn’t that seem like a horrible thing for your kid to feel? I have friends who’s parents pressured them to marry earlier because they were sinning. I would rather have my child living in sin and happy than miserable in a marriage they rushed in to.
And none of us want to think about our kids having sex, but I’d rather them have a healthy sex life than try to keep them innocent and pure. I didn’t grow up in a religious family and I’m in the minority where I live. And while I got to explore and have relationships guilt free I watched my friends stress and feel shame, even in their long term monogamous relationships.
Your kids have an amazing mom who will give them an incredible gift of honesty and support and love, no matter what. ❤
LikeLiked by 1 person
This is FANTASTIC. Thank you for writing this.
And I love that this is posted the day I created a new page on my blog listing all the men I’ve slept with – and it’s a lot. Trying to get away from the notion that being sexual somehow makes me lesser. Kudos to you.
LikeLiked by 4 people
Thank you so much Ann! And I love that you’re listing all the men you’ve slept with! Why should we be ashamed of being sensual women? The stigma surrounding women and sexuality is getting so tired and boring. People like you are going to help lift that stigma. And now I need to find your blog… can you give me a link?
LikeLiked by 2 people
For sure! I’m http://annstvincent.com
Look forward to seeing you around 🙂
LikeLike
Please, for all the girls, get this syndicated on the BIG Networks! Who do we send it to to get national, no fuck that, world-wide attention? I have not read anything to date that puts the humanity (back) into this conversation the way this does. Gretchen, if you weren’t already one of my favorites, this would cement your place in my heart.
LikeLiked by 5 people
Pattie, you flatter me. I am kind of speechless at your comment. That you think I put the humanity back in this conversation? That’s quite possibly the best thing someone could say to me about this post. Thank you thank you thank you.
LikeLike
BOOM. Love this so much, GKelly! Damn, you have a way of getting me all riled up. you wrote this perfectly and with so much truth. As women, the double standards we face growing up about everything from sports to sexuality are unfathomable, unrealistic, and damaging. FUCK PURITY. Yes. Thank you for this.
LikeLiked by 5 people
Ha! I lurve when you “Boom” something I wrote! And I love that this got you riled up! *fists in the air* Fuck Purity! Fuck double standards! Fuck hypocrites! Thank you sister… ❤
LikeLiked by 3 people
Sorry, I accidentally hit post comment… to continue, I’m telling you that I heard all those same arguments — the chewed gum, the torn paper — my teacher glued a bunch of different coloured construction paper together and then passed it around and asked everyone to pull a page off. The idea was that you’d get a blue page with maybe some green pulled off on it — and they told us that we left behind a piece of ourselves with everyone we slept wtih. To be honest, I grew up in a time when STDs weren’t treated as something you just take a pill for, but rather, they terrified us. I think it had more to do with that, but who knows.
LikeLiked by 3 people
Ugh. The whole thing is bullshit. And I truly hope this post doesn’t minimize the affect the purity movement has on boys. I started out writing it geared towards both sexes. But then I watched some of the Purity Ball documentaries (really disturbing stuff) and had some conversations with my friends (like the one who was raped) and started thinking about Female Genital Mutilation and the “Two Finger Test” recently used in India on female police officers and I felt like I needed to focus on the history of this mentality with girls. And I think that boys who have experienced rape and sexual abuse feel ever bit as worthless in regards to their purity or lack thereof as the girls who are victims do. ALL of it pisses me off.
LikeLiked by 2 people
You are thinking more on a global level, and in that respect I 100% agree with you. Globally, women are treated worse than dogs. John Lennon sang “Woman is the Nigger of the World” (pardon the horrible slur) meaning that everyone — even those already experiencing some sort of oppression or prejudice — looks down on their women — that women were the lowest of the low. It’s terrible. Penny & I joke about what we’d do if we were ever diagnosed with a terminal illness. Mostly we talk about killing sprees — how we could make the world a better place if we took certain bastards with us. It’s a good think I believe in peace most days.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ha! A little anger induced fantasizing about taking out all the assholes in the world is a healthy thing I think. 🙂 If only people would have actually listened to John Lennon and learned from him…
LikeLike
I got taught that paper one. It was horrendous and made me feel terrified of What Sex Could Do To My Soul. I’m still a bit terrified.
Not sure why I’m even saying this out loud *hyperventilates a little*
LikeLiked by 3 people
You are more than a piece of paper my friend. So much more than a label or a status. ❤
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks
LikeLike
Its so much more than just purity. All of these points seems to involve religion. Most abstinence presure comes from organized religion and family tradition. Those seem to go hand in hand, as well.
As parents, its our job to steer our children in positive directions. Not, necessarily, allow them to control thier sexuality prematurely, just because it’s something we feel strongly about as adults.
For example…
I am very pro-cannabis. My 14 year old is NOT allowed to smoke, vape, or even handle marijuana or any cannabis product that happens to be in my house. Why? Does this make me a hypocrite? HELL NO. It makes me her mother. When it is age-appropriate, she will be able to make her own decisions about cannabis.
Just like sex. She isn’t allowed to make permanent decisions about her sexuality. That will be age appropriate, as well. Right now, my 14 year old deserves to know that sex IS special. I won’t make her feel guilty about her purity. But I WILL stress the importance of keeping that purity until it’s right.
In cases like rape and abuse…I can definately understand how guilt would easily set in.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yes, you’re absolutely right. A lot of this is based in religious beliefs. That’s part of why I was scared to even approach this topic. I try to stay far far away from discussing religion in my writing. But the roots of it go back beyond religion. And some parents put this on their children, not because of faith, but because of fear.
And it’s not that different from alcohol. My kids see my and my husband and our family members drink. But they know and are taught that we are adults and responsible so we are able to do these things. I can use foul language, I can drink, I can have sex. But I’m an adult. (Similar to your cannabis stance).
My stand with my kids is that when they are old enough, mature enough and wise enough they can make the decisions about who they share intimacy with. But that is should be done with consideration and care. But I will never use the word purity. That word carries so much negative weight, in my opinion.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I agree, the word purity holds a sour taste in my mouth,, as well.
LikeLike
So many nails on so many heads. (no puns intended (probably))
Huge kudos for this, my SW. You did BRILLIANTLY and I agree completely with your viewpoint. 110%
LikeLiked by 4 people
Thank you my sweet friend. You know your opinion matters to me so much. ❤ ❤ ❤
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you. Always. And thank you for saying these things out loud. I needed to read them 🙂
LikeLike
*standing ovation*
This was brilliant. The bullying line was spot on. Thank you for taking on this “taboo” topic and exposing the need for us to change, to stop judging, to grow the fuck up.
LikeLiked by 5 people
You humble me, sir. Thank you. The judgement and the shame are like a disease and I swear it’s getting worse when it comes to this topic. I feel like whenever a subject is tangled up with religion it automatically becomes taboo and how convenient is that? I would never ever judge someone’s religion or beliefs, but I’m tired of feeling like the rest of us have to stay quiet just because someone invokes their religion in defense. And yes, we all need to grow the fuck up and stop tiptoeing around this bullshit!
LikeLiked by 3 people
Gretchen, you are a rockstar. As a product of purity culture, a million THANK YOUS for writing this. I’m still unraveling all the baggage it’s contributed to my sexuality and I 100% agree – FUCK PURITY. I’m determined to teach my children to work from their own value system when it comes to sex, instead of trying to adhere to someone else’s ideas of what they should do and thereby accruing shame along the way.
Bravo… just as I thought. 🙂 This was an AWESOME post.
LikeLiked by 3 people
Laurie, thank you so much for saying that. With everything you’ve been through in your life it means a lot to me if you think I got this in any way right. As for parenting and how we raise our kids when it comes to this… Isn’t the whole idea of parenting to give them a solid foundation and then let them grow and mature on their own and make their own way in the world? The mentality behind the purity mindset is all about control and doesn’t trust the youth to ever make their own decisions. It’s micromanaging and indoctrination. It’s not teaching or guiding. And I love how you put it, teaching them to work from their own value system.. that’s perfect.
LikeLiked by 1 person
You nailed it, Gretchen.
And honestly that was not my parents’ idea of parenting at all. It was very much more a protective thing, keeping up safe from the “outside world” rather than preparing us for it. The list of ways I’ve had to adjust to the world now is almost endless. And you’re right, the mentality behind purity IS so much about control, and control through fear, rather than teaching kids to work from their heart and value system. I will say there are 2 denominations getting it right – the progressive United Church of Christ and Unitarian Universalists. I’ve read their sex ed material and it is absolutely staggeringly awesome. I wish so much I’d had it as a teen.
Also – “Will she avoid relationships for fear of intimacy? And in doing so miss out on the valuable lessons that relationships teach us? Miss out on the emotional maturity that we develop when we go through the process of opening ourselves up to people?”
^I’ve been considering writing a post on that very thing. After thinking about it this week, I realized that the whole “guard your heart” shit doesn’t prepare people and certainly didn’t prepare me to deal with relationships as a whole and that alone has served to be really harmful with developing romantic relationships in my adult life. You’ve got me fired up; don’t be surprised if you see a post from me about that soon (in which I will link this post, haha).
LikeLiked by 2 people
I would love to see you write about that Laurie. I think your perspective could really open eyes and hearts. Please let me know if you do so I don’t miss it.
LikeLike
^^^ what she said. But less advanced with it.
LikeLiked by 3 people
I wrote a post on Purity a while back. And while I really aplaud the choice, if it is something you want to do, I can’t help but agree with you regarding Rape culture and how we are made to feel worthless once we are no longer a Virgin. Thank you.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank you Serins. I haven’t read your post on Purity yet, but I just looked at your blog. Is it the one about Susie? I had a few paragraphs in here originally about they Hymen test, the tradition in some cultures of hanging a bloody bed sheet after a couple’s wedding night to prove the bride’s virginity, about the “Two Finger Rule” that is used in some cultures. And also, Female Genital Mutilation is very relevant. It’s all about controlling women and keeping them pure until marriage and eliminating any sexual desire with the painful mutilaiton. I wish I could have put all of that in here but it was too long as it is. There is so much more to be said about this subject. I’m glad to know bloggers like you who aren’t afraid to write about it.
LikeLike
Yes, the one about Susie. There needs to be more talk about this. I agree. The odd times that I do know what search terms are used to find my blog, it really saddens me. That post is quite old and yet it and the one I wrote about prevention of cervical cancer always get hits. I can’t help but think it may be young women asking Google questions about virginity.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I applaud this. I was raised very religious. Taught sex after marriage is the only sex to have. Then I was raped and hid it because I didn’t want to be devalued. It’s hard. Self esteem is gone. I have no worth and the only guys that I can find that want me are abusers or just out for a fuck. It’s hard to change the mind set, and I love how you stated this.
Thank you.
LikeLiked by 3 people
Oh, NQA, this breaks my heart. I’m so sorry you had to go through the horrible trauma of rape but then to have to carry that burden all alone? It’s not right and it’s not fair to you. What happened to you of course had a huge impact on your life. But you are no less good or “pure” because of what some sick animal did to you. That’s a reflection on him, not you. I understand that the mindset is hard to change. I do. But I hope you have someone you can talk to. No one should have to go through that alone. I hope you find some way to make peace with yourself and see the worth you possess. *hugs*
LikeLike
Preach it, sistah!
This is fantastic. And yes, I would submit it to the bigger publications. This is a message that begs to be shared.
And by the way? While gratuitous profanity is unnecessary, I hope you never censor yourself again.
WRITE FREE!
I love you. xoxoxo
LikeLiked by 3 people
I agree with Samara, this is a powerful piece, submit away! Rape culture is in the news and the subject of purity is bang on, excuse the pun, no don’t.
LikeLiked by 3 people
Thank you girlie. Thank you for supporting me and kicking me in the ass a little. 🙂 Self censorship is the biggest thing I think we all struggle with when it comes to writing. And now I’m going to include FUCK in every single title I write! I’m like a kid let into the candy store for the first time! I want all the FUCKS and I don’t care!
Love you tons.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Amen! And thank you for putting it out there so well. Putting made up values on girls, that set them up for shame and blame have no place in today’s society. These were made up hundreds of years ago by men who wanted to control women. Beautifully, beautifully written!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you so much. And yes! Made up values. So much emphasis on made up values! It’s crazy making!
LikeLiked by 1 person
This is refreshing.
I am at the beginning stages of these conversations with my daughter. Girls need to be taught that there is an alternative viewpoint to abstinence, and not just in sex-ed class. Who we share our bodies with is nothing to be taken lightly, but in no way can our decisions about this affect our worth as people.
Very thoughtful.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank you SourGirl. And you put it perfectly. It’s not to be taken lightly, but it can’t affect our worth. Exactly.
LikeLike
Brilliant and beautifully written. As a Christian who grew up with the purity lessons and then lost her virginity at a party through rape, shame is a song I sang for a long time and it had very deep effects. This is powerful stuff!
LikeLiked by 1 person
There is already so much shame for anyone who’s a victim of rape or sexual assault. To have the added burden of worrying about the loss of “purity” is so awful. That’s so much for anyone to bear. I’m so sorry this was your experience. Thank you so much for reading this and for sharing your experience. I know that’s not easy. *hugs*
LikeLike
If we there was a post that should be shouted from rooftops, THIS is it. I can’t find words strong enough to tell you how dead on right you are. I’m so tired of living in a society of double standards and shame. Good for you, Gretchen, for standing up for every single person, female and male, who has ever been made to feel less than for their choices or for things over which they had no control. Good for you.
LikeLiked by 3 people
Thank you my friend. I’m tired of the double standard too. And the culture of shame. And the judgement and the hypocrites. All of it. Our society feels like it’s going backwards sometimes when it comes to these things. It’s infuriating, isn’t it?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yes. It is.
LikeLike
Gretchen, this is brilliant. I never experienced the religious shame, and I didn’t know I was supposed to be ashamed of my sexuality until I met those who HAD. And you can bet your ass they wanted to drag me down with them. Much, if not all, of the sexual dysfunction and violence connected to sexuality is rooted in shame. This is a great post. WELL DONE.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m beginning to realize that you and I are in the minority. I wasn’t raised to think that sex was shameful either. My mom emphasized self respect and being ready and mature and in a healthy relationship and would always say it could be the most fulfilling and beautiful thing when it was a part of a loving relationship. My friends were all jealous that I didn’t get the guilt trip or the purity talk. But even then I didn’t realize how much it affected them, how it put sexuality in such a dark place…
LikeLiked by 1 person
On the heels of the Duggard family situation and the news that Jeb Bush (who is running for fucking president!) would like to bring back the scarlett letter approach and “re-introduce” shame in our culture as an “aversion” to becoming an un-wed mother…this needed to be said. And you did it so very well, Gretchen. So damn well. Shame is toxic–in any and every form. For god-fucking-sake, it is 2015. Let’s start having a real and educated discussion on sexuality. Sharing…all over the place.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Dawn, I saw that the other day. The Jeb Bush remarks. My head almost exploded. Yes. Let’s make unwed young mothers feel like shit and shame them publicly. And what about the unwed young fathers? Didn’t hear him say a word about them! And seriously, it is INSANE that in 2015 we are still dealing with a puritanical mindset! Thank you for being here and for your words of support…
LikeLiked by 1 person
This is so f****n powerful! I agree with you, Gretchen! The shame, guilt in the name of virginity? Wrong! We can thank religion for this notion. I want to add or ask, I think there is the same pressure on the boys to remain virgins in some religions (maybe not all). They wear the chastity rings. They suffer the same guilt and shame if they were abused or raped.
LikeLiked by 1 person
This was brought up earlier by Helena. And when I started writing it I was writing in relation to all kids, boys and girls. But the more I started getting into it the more I started seeing the deeper ramifications in rape culture and the way we deal with and address and prosecute rape and sexual abuse. And the ancient mindset of women being property. So I kind of chose an angle. But yes, I think some boys suffer the same pressure and shame. In general it doesn’t seem as prevalent. But that’s my outside viewpoint as someone who didn’t grow up in this environment. The bottom line is there’s no way of “proving” if a boy broke his purity pledge. But with girls, especially if it results in pregnancy, it is quite obvious. And I absolutely think that boys who have been raped or abused feel this added shame on top of the trauma they already experienced. And by the way, that subject is another one that we need to shine a light on. Boys are victims too and it is woefully under-reported and they have to deal with stigma on another level. Thank you Lisa. I love that writing about something that matters generates thoughtful and intelligent conversation.
LikeLike
Great post–this is something that I was thinking about last night, and pushed me to actually write some “real” stuff on my own blog.
It is unacceptable that abuse and rape victims are made to feel guilty–reading about Elizabeth Smart brought back memories of being a Mormon youth in the 80’s and hearing male hierarchy figures actually encouraging us to risk death to fight off a rapist because that would be better than to be defiled. I was so blinded at the time that those statements didn’t appall me, but they sure do today!. Being able to overcome not just the abduction but also the guilt from her religious upbringing (while staying a Mormon AND speaking out about her experience) is just amazing. I truly hope that her experience has enlightened the church.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yes. I think she’s pretty amazing. To have to endure what she did and in front of the world, to now be an advocate for victims is pretty incredible. I have also read that in some of the fundamentalist religious teachings that if girls are raped or abused that they must forgive their assailant and to look at their own behavior and dress to see if they provoked it. IN.SANE.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Holy hell..I love you. THIS is perfect. So very perfect.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank you. I love you too.
LikeLike
AMEN. My mom slut shamed me the first time I had sex. There I was, telling her about it because I wasn’t ever expected to wait and because she’d established that she was open and willing to discuss anything I wanted to about sex…and then she told me that getting on birth control was a bad idea because it would ENCOURAGE ME TO “CONTINUE TO” SLEEP AROUND. No no no no no no no. Even in not explicitly purity-based households, this shit is PERVASIVE.
LikeLiked by 1 person
You are so right. It’s entrenched in our culture. I know a lot of it is fear based for parents. But we have to think about how kids receive and interpret these messages. I’m sorry you were hit with that reaction. Thank you Sabina…
LikeLiked by 1 person
I am gobsmacked. Thoroughly gobsmacked. If either of my children were to get married as virgins I’d be SO disappointed and sad for them. Truly. They are 19 and 21 and well aware of my feelings. Is this because I live in western Canada? Who are these Purity pushers? I’ve NEVER met anyone who spouted such tripe. Good lord. Thank you for enlightening me. Tonight’s dinner conversation is going to be a good one.
LikeLiked by 2 people
I get what you’re saying. I don’t want my kids to get married as virgins. I feel like they will rush into marriage and not really know what they’re getting in to. And, you know, sometimes you can think a relationship is pretty great and there’s zero chemistry once you have sex. That’s not something I’d want to find out after marriage. If I had my way? They would wait until they were mature and until they truly understood what a healthy relationship was. But I wouldn’t want them diving headlong into a life time with someone without knowing if that piece works.
LikeLiked by 1 person
And then there’s that minor detail that these purity pledges don’t actually accomplish their stated goal of abstinence: I believe there was research that showed that people taking purity pledges are just as likely to have pre-marital sex as those who didn’t, but less likely to use contraception and therefore more likely to get pregnancies and STDs.
Of course, if the real purpose of these pledges is to demean women, then they work pretty well.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Absolutely. There have been many studies and abstinence only education doesn’t result in fewer kids having sex and in places where they only teach abstinence only the teen pregnancy rate is much higher. So basically, they don’t trust teens and young adults to know all the facts. It’s a stick your head in the sand way to parent, in my opinion.
LikeLike
Reblogged this on xdayschocolate.
LikeLike
Reblogged this on The Blood, The Glory and the Grace.
LikeLiked by 2 people
—Gretchen,
I LOVE and Appreciate your passion and fire and words.
I’ve always despised people telling me what to do, how to think, & what to believe.
HOW DARE THEM!
It’s about RESPECT. Choices. What decisions feel right for you. ((((((YOU))))))
Although, I cannot agree w/ the comment above saying, “I’d be sad and disappointed if my children were virgins,” ( I don’t get that)
I told my boys, “Respect yourself. Respect the girls you’re with. And PLEASE use Protection!!
I still tell them this….. And they say, “MOOOOOOOOOOOM, stop talking!
Great post, darling!! xxx
LikeLiked by 1 person
Sounds like a completely normal response from boys. 🙂 I hate being told what to do. And I especially hate when people try to lay guilt on me. Even in benign situations, if a friend is guilting me over not calling enough or getting together enough, I go running far and fast in the other direction! And yes, HOW DARE someone think they can tell you how to live your life or what choices are right or wrong for you.
LikeLiked by 1 person
My mom was literally as crazy as can be, but luckily, she was also very comfortable with her sexuality. Her attitude rubbed off on me, and I’ve been thankful for that over the years. Shame is so shitty and I’ve refused to feel it about anything in my life, but especially sexuality. The emphasis placed on the sanctity of purity is mind-boggling. I used to teach in a very conservative school district and hated the way the girls were expect to be “good.” Ugh.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I am glad you pointed that out. I think having a parent/ role model who is comfortable with their sexuality is very helpful and influential in how we feel about our own sexuality. And the idea of being a “Good girl” seems to go beyond the young years and into adulthood. Where as “Good boy” is a phrase you never hear directed at men. Hmmmm… you may have inspired my topic for my Feminist Friday post this week… 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
loved this!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you Laurie!
LikeLike
Gretchen, everyone has already said what’s on my heart so all I can do is share this post. Thank you and much love to you. ❤
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank you Karen. That means so much to me. xoxo
LikeLike
Since I have to make a joke about nearly everything, I want to ask: “But how do you REALLY feel about it, Gretchen?” You managed to mix articulateness and heat (lots of heat) and emotion and clarity all into one great essay. You really summed the whole thing up perfectly with those 4 words: “You are fetishizing virginity.” Indeed. We need to stop trying to get girls to FEAR losing their virginity and instead concentrate on teaching them to wait till it feels right to them, teaching them to be safe, teaching them to develop and to listen to a strong “little voice in their head” that tells them when something isn’t right or isn’t safe.
If this doesn’t get freshly pressed or otherwise “go viral” somehow, there’s something wrong with the world. Well done, very well done.
LikeLiked by 3 people
Hahaha! From your lips to Freshly Pressed’s ears… 🙂 And how much better would things be if instead of judgement and shame we did focus on teaching kids how to listen to their inner voice? It’s the most valuable thing you can impress upon a young person. If they learn to listen to that, it will steer them in so many ways. And as for fetishizing virginity. Ugh. There just seems to be a very icky element to all of this that has men way too hung up on that idea. It is creepy to see men be that hyper focused on their daughter’s virginity. How about point your attention to her mental health, her confidence, her mind? I could go on and on about that… Thank you so much.
LikeLike
I grew up in a highly religious household where sex was not talked about, except to let us know that we needed to “save ourselves” for marriage. There was a lot of shame associated with sexuality – I can’t tell you the number of girls who got pregnant in high school because to go on birth control would mean that they intended to have sex “on purpose” and were sinners. Instead, they would be “carried away” by the moment and then could confess and repent later. My parents found out I was no longer a virgin when the boy confessed at church, and his religious leader told my religious leader, who in turn told my parents. You can imagine the fallout.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Parallel households! I remember going to confession and confessing “impure thoughts.” At 17, my most impure thought was running my fingers through my boyfriend’s chest hairs!!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh Jana! How awful to have been exposed like that with something so private! And the fact is, Abstinence Only education does not work. You can’t argue with numbers. Hormones can be a tricky thing to fight against when you’re a teenager. Keeping everything wrapped up in shame only makes it harder I think. The logic behind birth control being “permission” to have sex baffles me. It is insulting to the girls in question when this is said.
LikeLike
White roses? Torn and tattered construction paper analogies? I’ve never heard of such stuff! But it’s definitely FUCKED UP!
Discussing sex in a mature way with children is imperative. Unfortunately, most adults can’t maturely discuss sex with another adult. Thus, stupidity about sex gets passed down from one generation to the next. Such a crime!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Larry, you are so right. So many adults can’t handle talking about it. The discomfort and shame around sex is passed down. After all these years, in 2015, you would think that we would at least be able to talk about it in a mature and healthy and productive way.
LikeLike
THIS! This was awesome, Gretchen.
I remember a nun slapping my hand with a ruler because my skirt was too short and that it would make the boys think impure thoughts. She said, “His sin is your sin. He can’t help himself, but you can by being pure.”
Dude – I was a first grader!
I see my twenty-one year old daughter and hope I’ve done better by her. In fact, I’m e-mailing this to get TODAY!
You Sistas continue to rock and help and inspire. Thank you ❤️
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you so much! Ugh. That whole idea behind the woman/girl being responsible for inspiring impure thoughts is absolutely disgusting to me. It’s the basis for most of our school dress codes and also the school of thought subscribed to by the Taliban and ISIS and other extremist groups. And to say that to a child? To a first grader? And to assume that a boy in first grade is having lustful thoughts? AAAARRRGGGHHHH! Sick! Also, incredibly insulting to the boys. Let’s give them a little credit!
LikeLike
Thank you for this awesome post, Gretchen! I don’t get this whole purity crap. It boggles my mind so much, especially as I *never* heard this while growing up in France (and God knows that everything isn’t perfect in my country!) This is so messed up and dangerous and utter BS. Keep rocking, Gretchen! I love you! 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
It’s funny/ interesting that I wrote about this the same week you wrote about sex education in France! The two posts kind of relate to each other, don’t they? I was wondering if this was primarily an American thing but I’ve had responses from people outside of the US who say they grew up with this kind of pressure and mentality too. I just think here in the US it’s been taken to a different level. The Purity Balls where the father places a ring on the daughter’s finger and it’s like a mini wedding? Ugh. So creepy. And disturbing. And you’re right. It’s not only messed up, it’ dangerous. Thank you my friend. Love you too. ❤
LikeLiked by 1 person
I thought the same thing about us writing these 2 related posts the same week! Don’t get me started about the purity balls. The day I found out about these and read more, I felt sick to my stomach. It is wrong on so many levels. In France, we still suffer from misogynistic behaviors and things are far from perfect, but the whole purity thing isn’t in the mentality (though virgin and slut shaming both exist). Purity mentalities are dangerous. The only morality people should ever care about is how they treat others, no matter the situation, whether professional/familial/sexual and so on. ❤ ❤
LikeLike
I very much agree with this.
But then again, I grew up in such a way that by the time I hit high school, sex was “whatever.” I didn’t understand that it could be special, or mean something, or stem from intimacy and love.
I don’t think that this “purity” thing is all that great, but a small part of me wishes that I got the idea in my head that sex wasn’t something to throw around willy-nilly. When you share that with someone, virginity included or not, it IS special. It’s not BAD, but it’s a big deal. It’s a big deal if it’s the right person and the right feelings, and it’s a big deal if it’s against your will. I mean, I sat around for over a year telling myself that it wasn’t a big deal and I didn’t need any help with this whole “rape” thing.
Anyway, sex shouldn’t be done in haste or taken lightly. Well, I don’t really speak from experience here. But I have a feeling in my gut that there is more to all this than meaningless sex.
In fact, maybe we should use the opposite metaphor? Sex with the right person in the right time and place should make you into a pretty blooming flower. One who loves and is loved, and one who knows, respects, and enjoys their body. We need some sort of private, personal coming of age ceremony that celebrates one more step into adulthood or something. Whether it’s at 16 or 26. And rape does’t count, because it’s not about virginity, it’s about love and intimacy and realizing your potential as a beautiful human being.
(I know maybe I make it sound overly-romanticized. I just really need that dream to be alive right now, blooming flowers and all. It’s like I get a do-over.)
LikeLiked by 1 person
I think your idea of reversing the imagery and the metaphor is beautiful and would be so much more effective. I think it would give young people hope and understanding of how it could be. It would change the whole dialogue and conversation and come at it from a positive and loving place rather than shame and discomfort.
There is a line. There is teaching young people that sex is special and can be beautiful and rewarding and fulfilling. And that is a valuable lesson. But when it goes to the extreme of guilt and blame and shame it crosses that line and becomes destructive.
I truly think changing the conversation on this and redefining sex in a healthy and honest way could be so incredibly helpful to survivors of rape and abuse. We need to take the “sex” out of sexual assault. Not to minimize the crime and it’s after affect but to disconnect these horrible offenses from the act of sex in the context of a relationship.
I also don’t think there’s anything wrong with casual sex between two consenting adults. The main thing is feeling comfortable with your sexuality. Not trying to water down the meaning of sex by “throwing it around” and thereby trying to minimize the pain and meaning of being raped or abused. I say this as a survivor myself. I get it. I think it is often a way of trying to numb ourselves further from the pain of being violated in the worst way.
Thank you so much for everything you said here. I think it is about love and realizing your beauty as a human being. I truly do. I hope you do get a do over. We all deserve one.
LikeLike
There is so much in this article that is spot on. Especially about the shame and especially when someone who is a victim of sexual assult or abuse. Shaming always sucks. But, sadly, you swung the pendulum way too far. You touched on it a bit in the article, but more so in the comments:
“I get what you’re saying. I don’t want my kids to get married as virgins. I feel like they will rush into marriage and not really know what they’re getting in to. And, you know, sometimes you can think a relationship is pretty great and there’s zero chemistry once you have sex. That’s not something I’d want to find out after marriage. If I had my way? They would wait until they were mature and until they truly understood what a healthy relationship was. But I wouldn’t want them diving headlong into a life time with someone without knowing if that piece works.”
Although you say you respect the choice of waiting, it seems as though you really don’t.
I can’t say have first hand experience in this, but I’ve meet so many others who have such a healthy and content experience with waiting. As someone once said “I’ve meet lots of people who didn’t wait and lots of people who waited. Never once did the couple who waited say they sure wish they could go back and do it differently.” Personally, and this was just maybe my perception, but I didn’t even know that waiting until marriage was an option. It just wasn’t something anyone I knew did, ever. So I appreciate a good message that doesn’t shame about the benefits of waiting. She takes that off the table for the most part. She states that people who wait will rush into marriage and not know even if everything will work, or whatever. But I know the opposite, sexual intimacy can bond you emotionally and spiritually to a person and you end up staying with someone who is horrible. You are already bonded to a person before you even know them.
This world has really screwed up our identity from both ends of the religious/non-religious spectrum. But I believe our identity can be found in our creator, (and it has nothing to do with our past or circumstances, it’s who we are created to be.) He knows what He is doing. Just because religious people mess that up doesn’t mean He is wrong. Yes, I agree with you, change the message, but don’t lose the heart of it, don’t lose the truth.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I absolutely respect the choices my children will make. I have three kids who are as different from each other as can be. And I’m pretty sure they will all make decisions in regards to their sexuality in vastly different ways. My job is to give them the information and the love and support and then to trust that they will do what is right for them. If any or all of them decide to wait until marriage? I will absolutely support them. Will I worry about that decision and their happiness in a sexually and intimately fulfilling marriage? Absolutely.
And I state very early in the post that if that’s the decision that someone makes because it’s what they want? That is not what I’m speaking to here. I’m speaking to the culture of shame. I respect someone’s decision to wait. Especially if they are educated and understand all of the emotional and scientific aspects of sex and intimacy. I come from a place of not judging someone’s personal decisions.
That being said. I know quite a few people who waited and absolutely regretted it. Who ended up in divorce. And every one of them waited because it is what was expected of them. I’m sure that is not always the case, but with the people I know personally, they have stated they would have made different decisions and wouldn’t have married that person if they hadn’t had this “purity” mentality.
The bottom line is that whether you wait until marriage or connect sexually to someone and end up in an unhealthy relationship, the crucial thing is being taught a comprehensive and healthy view of sex and love. Of being allowed to talk about it and ask questions and a feeling of comfort around the subject. A healthier attitude towards ourselves and others and intimacy is the defining thing that can make the difference between having healthy relationships and not.
LikeLike
Fuck purity.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yes. Fuck it.
LikeLike
I like this post a lot because it is interesting and has some points, but there is nothing wrong with a young woman or guy who wants to stay a virgin until she/he thinks it’s the right time or person. I notice in my generation, alot of people are against slut shaming, which is wrong, but they are virgin shaming young women who may want to keep a low body count or not share her body with different men. I think what’s between a woman’s legs does not define her but it is precious. I think it is also great for men to also not just be with anyone and place more in depth value/meaning on sex. I am not Making my choices based on solely religious beliefs, but because I feel it’s the best option for who I am. I think there is nothing wrong with women not wanting to wait or be “pure”, but i think women and people in general shouldn’t ridicule, shame, or bash any woman or guy for valuing their virginity.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I sincerely hope that the point of this blog post makes it clear that I am in no way judging someone who wants to what until marriage. Or stay celibate for life. I make that very clear in the very beginning of the post. I respect other people’s choices. And their beliefs. What I don’t respect is when those beliefs are thrust upon other people or shoved down other’s throats. But what you or anyone decides to do for yourself? Go right ahead. And this is true whether it’s staying “pure” or whether you are gay or trans or asexual. I don’t believe in shaming of any kind, anywhere, towards anyone.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I was just wondering the other day, what would happen if you took the shame and purity out of sex, would we all be less messed up!?? If a young girl is molested but she has been taught that sex and body parts are no big deal. Just part of their bodies and human nature, would she feel less shame? Maybe she would be upset that someone did something to her, similar to when someone invades your space or bothers you but not have the added shame that comes with sex? How many of us would feel less traumatized?
I love that you attacked this issue of purity and told it to fuck itself! Fantastic post, Gretchen! 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
I can’t tell you how much I love your comment. And it really gets to the heart of this whole thing. Sex needs to be removed from rape and sexual abuse. They are horrific and traumatizing violations but for too long they have been connected to sex. Rapists and abusers are very very different from someone who is lustful or horny or wanting sex. It is about control and hurting and demeaning. We need to eliminate the shame from sex AND take the sex out of these crimes, in the way that we talk about them. You are awesome chica!
LikeLiked by 1 person
You are so very right, Gretchen! 🙂
LikeLike
Yeah, it’s fucked up, and you are right about it all.
Blogger advice: Copy this post down into a file you can work with. Revise into a three-part series to run oh . . . maybe six months from now?? Make smart choices about the art.
Publish the series at your own blog and use ALL THE CONNECTIONS to have it shared all over the internet.
Dismantle this whole way of thinking.
You are oh so right about this, and it’s too good to be a “one-and-done” post.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Hmmm…. I hadn’t thought about that. I was thinking of submitting it as is to some of the bigger sites. But I’m going to mull over what you’re saying before I submit it anywhere. Just the comments have stirred up ideas for more blog posts, to really zero in on some of the points of all of this. I will have to PM you with some specific questions and advice. Thank you my friend.
LikeLike
I’m a woman and when my sister was young I asked about her sex education in school (we’re from Australia were we teach sexual education in our schools) and she knew a lot about the mechanics of sex and no one had spoken to her about the emotions involved, etc. We started have talks about the emotional aspects of sex and relationships. Also, she didn’t have practical understanding about how to put a condom on, how to get the Pill, etc. So I showed her how to put on a condom (I wasn’t going to leave it all up to the knowledge and fumbling of a teenage boy.)and we talked about other forms of birth control. I wasn’t in any way pushing her to become sexually active, I just wanted her to have options and be able to protect herself. One of the best things I’ve ever done.
Oh, and I didn’t stop saying Vagina, Vulva, Labia and Penis, etc. the whole time.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I am fascinated by the way other countries teach sex ed. Natacha, one of my blogging friends (above in the comments), just wrote a post about sex education in France. And in the Netherlands they start in Kindergarten. And it’s comprehensive. The discuss inappropriate touching with the young kids and move on each year to age appropriate subjects. It seems to me like they have the best program.
Your sister is so lucky to have had you to help her and talk to her. I imagine it made a world of difference to her. And the bottom line is, knowledge is power. Ignorance is not bliss. Especially when it leads to unwanted pregnancy or STD’s. And I absolutely agree with you that we need to use the correct “real” words when discussing it, whether in the classroom or at home. Using cute or made up names just adds to the shame and “hush hush” nature of it all.
Thank you so much for coming here and contributing to the conversation!
LikeLiked by 1 person
This is pure awesomeness! I remember getting that purity talk when I was younger, and I was the last of my friends to break that “purity promise.” My mom ended up finding out about it, and instead of being mad at me for not waiting, she was worried more about my safety: was i using protection…we need to get me on birth control…is he someone I trust? and these are the same three questions I use today to determine if I want to have sex or not. She did not shame me (she constantly reminds me that I haven’t done half the stupid stuff she did at my age) and instead educated me…Which is THE MOST IMPORTANT THING! Instead of telling young and impressionable girls that sex is wrong, tell them that there is a time when it is right, and it is for their choosing – no one else’s. Adolescence is a time where the brain is so malleable and things learned in this stage are vital to development – so what if we used this time to educate teens/young adults about sex, instead of telling them “no” – tell them “it’s ok…as long as you’re safe.”
LikeLiked by 2 people
It seems like we don’t like to give young girls choice in the matter. (I mean “we” in the general sense, our culture). I like you way of approaching it. It is giving young men and young women more respect and credit and usually, when you do that they make better choices. Let’s educate them about ALL aspects of it and then let them ask questions and make informed decisions. I’m sure some would decide to wait until marriage. Some would enter into some healthy relationships with intimacy. And I would be willing to bet there would be less of the unhealthy sexual attitudes and relationships that can be so destructive. Thank you, Court.
LikeLike
I agree – there is so much confusion when it comes to relationships and where lines can be drawn and what counts as assault and what doesn’t. I was in that boat…confused about whether a boyfriend can have boundaries – and at 18…that’s a hard question to answer on your own. Girls (and grown women!) need education – because there are so many blurred lines and education and choice are what is going to help everyone, men and women alike.
LikeLike
Reblogged this on kennethandrebrownsr.
LikeLike
wow… keep it up sisters… trying to catch up on my reading…
LikeLiked by 1 person