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Getting you back to YOU
We’ve had a spate of posts lately where there has been discussion about the best way to go about life, or the best way to be. There has been huge encouragement both in the writing and in the Sisterwives community – our readers and supporters have demonstrated that ‘together we’re stronger’, and to observe the celebration and building-up has been a wonderful thing.
But what about the other part of our motto – “Alone we are enough”? I don’t mind telling you that this is the bit I’ve struggled most with, but I think (thanks to some good examples in others) I’ve figured it out. Which means that the hard work comes next…
We live in a world of stark dichotomy, where the silver screen is a smokescreen which tells us we’ve got to be prettier, thinner, richer…MORE – like somebody else’s version of success – stand there and take it; don’t be sore – it’s just another measure of duress. No! Wait – don’t use your imagination! Don’t think outside the box! Just sit, slack-brained and allow the corporation to inform tell you your demand and then supply it – all it takes is some clever branding to make you buy it.
And will you be happier then?
Will it last? Or in a season will you need to start again?
And how do you ever justify the investment that you spend…?
We live in a world where we are constantly bombarded by messages about how awesome we ‘should’ be, what success ‘should’ look like, and all the things that we ‘deserve’, for being us, and for surviving the rigors of life thus far. These messages feed our sense of entitlement, which then elbows its way to the front of the queue for attention, where the originators and proliferators of that message can profit from it.
That’s not to undermine any rigors we’ve undergone in our lives – hard stuff is still tough to deal with, but to get some perspective, there’s the chance that we’ve worried over the perfect hashtag whilst someone, somewhere in Nepal is still stuck, homeless, up a mountain. Remember Nepal?
A fundamental part of reconciling ourselves to the people we are, rather than constantly striving to attain the impossibly-high bars set by people with money to spend on making us think that if we try hard enough, they might be achievable, is re-framing the way we view success.
Added to which, who we are today could be very different than who we were yesterday. Or who we were last year. Or who we’re going to be next week. The only thing certain in life (besides death and taxes) is change – we are always in a constant state of flux and given the whirlwind of circumstances we try to keep up with every day, we really need to learn to accept that our goalposts might be different every day.
Regardless of whether we know that, we frequently find ourselves hooked in and expending serious energy on somehow embettering ourselves.
Say we achieve it then…imagine yourself in the perfect home, decorated just so. You have the perfect figure, the perfect outfit, a bank-balance which could cater to your every whim, a job which pays well, has great hours, and which satisfies you. You’ve overcome your demons, ironed out your character, and are content with who you are. You can look into the mirror, think about your world and yourself, and want for nothing.
So what?
Even if life was that perfect…so what?
Even if we were able to fulfil the many and varied expectations held of us by culture, convention, our friends-and-relations and (let’s face it) ourselves…so what?
Would it get us to the top of our game, whatever that game might be?
I suspect even if it did, it wouldn’t last long – the sun would set and the moon would rise, and in that tilt-shift of earth, something would change which required adaptation or a new set of thoughts. I have a sneaking suspicion we are built for challenge and constant evolution, but we get lost along the way; our heads turned and our eyes dazzled by the array of glittering ‘should’s.
Which is where a re-frame can help, because regardless of the set of circumstances we find ourselves in, the “so what?” can still be answered by finding our passion; what we were made for; what motivates and drives us to DO; what feels natural and right and allows us to become more ourselves, at a soul-deep level.
The most chilled-out people I’ve met in life are those who no longer buy into the preoccupation with Stuff or surface-deep. They’ve determined the most important part of their character – their motivation – and are no longer tied into a fear-culture of ‘not enough’, but exist in a micro-climate of ‘becoming’. They know their ‘point’.
Whether it’s leaving the world a better place, connecting with others, nurturing, creating beauty, turning dreams into reality, or something else entirely, they have taken the time to look at the things which really matter to them, and have established a set of core values.
Whatever else shifts and alters in their life, whatever challenges or triumphs they encounter, whatever setbacks, boosts, plateaus or changes of direction, they’ve figured out how to get back to the Them they are deep down.
They can speak up and answer “This – THIS – is what I’m here for.”
So, then…what are you here for?
Let’s start getting ourselves back to US.
Great post.
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Thanks 🙂
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I can’t tell you how much I needed to read this.
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You helped inspire it so I’m glad it helped you back 🙂
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Indeed. As always, I love your voice. Very important words – I needed to hear them today, as well. I’m a long, long way from resolution, but the perspective is so comforting. ❤
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Thanks 🙂
Reading this today I figure it’s a kind of ‘aspirational’ post…
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“The most chilled-out people I’ve met in life are those who no longer buy into the preoccupation with Stuff or surface-deep. They’ve determined the most important part of their character – their motivation – and are no longer tied into a fear-culture of ‘not enough’, but exist in a micro-climate of ‘becoming’. They know their ‘point’.”
Yup.
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My plan is to emulate. One day. When I figure out how to do it without faking 🙂
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Love this post, Liz. It’s so true. I have to say, when I was about 30, I made the realization that time is more valuable than money. I stopped chasing the dollar and started working toward creating a life that offered more time — with my family, doing things I enjoy — and suddenly all the preconceptions of happiness through having the right toys fell away. We are constantly being told success — and our net worth — is measured in currency when, in truth, it is measured by how we spent our time. Was it spent procuring money or making memories and having an impact on the lives of those we care about?
Which one do you think is the most lasting?
Hint: Money is spent. Memories are saved.
Truly wonderful post, Liz.
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Thanks 🙂 Sounds like you’ve got your perspective sorted. I reckon your family (and you) are benefiting from it 🙂
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It really starts with what you talk about so well in your post: Being comfortable with — and accepting — yourself, without falling into the trap of being told what you need to be by society. Once you do that, it’s amazing how quickly your perspective changes.
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I’m glad to know I’m on the money with that, because I’m (clearly) working from a place where this is an assumption rather than a fact of my own life, but the product of observing people who seem to be getting it right (much as anyone does).
I’ll keep working towards it 🙂
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Judging from the thoughtfulness given to this post, you are well on your way, Liz 😉
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You are so brave to point the finger at this. I just want to copy and put that paragraph all over my house, the one about “what IF we had the perfect figures, bank accounts, houses etc. So what?” I’m finally starting to GET this, and actually, my friends don’t think/judge/notice about me nearly as much as I think they do.
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Yeah – I got told that the other day – “You’re not as important as you think you are”. People genuinely sometimesoften just. don’t. care. And you end up squerching through a bunch of hang-ups for nothing at all.
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Good Post… I have finally come to love the person that I am… oh… wait… who am I kidding? I always loved me!
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We know, and you’re never afraid to tell 🙂
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I can’t help myself…
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I know. I’m sure people find it endearing.
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I hope so
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****They can speak up and answer “This – THIS – is what I’m here for.”
So, then…what are you here for?***
Deep, inspiring, satisfying post, Liz. I like your ‘mind.’
I’m here to Serve, Love, Give, & Make a difference.
O’ and to have FUN,drink wine, and eat chocolate, too!! xxxx
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Good reasons 🙂
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This. This is the essence of what life should be about. Finding what fulfills each of us and makes us whole. It’s never the cars or the houses or the fancy clothes.
I struggle with this often. I get caught up in stupid bs. Wanting to paint a room and obsessing for weeks about the color and the pictures I’m going to put on the wall. While I like for my house to reflect my style and I do kind of use it as creative expression, ugh. Is it really that important? No. My kids don’t care. Maybe that’s it! We need to go back to thinking like we did when we were five (just a little less egocentric) and just enjoy the people and the experiences and the butterfly kisses…
I love this. And I love your brain and your heart and the way that one influences the other. ❤
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“just enjoy the people and the experiences and the butterfly kisses…” THAT is what it boils down to.
Just that.
You’re so succinct, G. You’re awesome, and I get it SO MUCH about buying into the BS and then getting annoyed (well, you know that). Thank you for you ❤
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Love this. It’s an important reminder. It’s not an easy way to live and some people, even our family have a hard time accepting this kind of honesty. It’s worth it though and for those who don’t get it…or resent it in me? Bye. Thanks, Lizzi ❤
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Thanks Lisa. I think it’s all too easy to get caught up on ‘stuff’ and turn a blind eye to what matters. I am as guilty as anyone of doing that, so I’m not preaching…just self-aware.
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Lovely. Important. Inspirational. x
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Glad you think so. Thank you 🙂
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This is right on. True fulfillment can’t be found by reading a magazine article on the 10 things fulfilled people do. That mentality drives me crazy. Life is not a positive affirmation meme. I came to the realization recently that being happy all the time isn’t the ultimate goal in life. I’m done believing that it’s ok to struggle as long as I make it back to happy. Don’t get me wrong, I love being happy but I also get a sense of fulfillment when I’m experiencing other emotions. When we are accepting of our entirety, we can go places where we might have to get muddy and that’s where amazing things happen. Beautiful post Lizzie!
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Lizzi – drop the “e” 🙂
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Thanks for caring about that.
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Yeah – getting to that point I think HAS to be the goal, because only then can we be free enough to focus on what’s really important.
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Other than my children and a few select people, there’s very little I give a fuck about. I care not for what’s “in”. I care not about who’s wearing what style, or if I fit someone else’s definition of beauty. Honesty, I’m baffled by people to whom those things matter.
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Explains why I constantly seem to wrong-foot you 😉 You have a good approach to life.
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Wrong what???
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uhm…let me think how to translate that. Er. Somewhere between catch you off-guard and confuse you.
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You’ve confused me. 😉
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Fantastic post. In fact, thinking about what I am here for has inspired an answer in me that is too long for this little box, so I’ll blog about it. Thank you so much for inspiring me. These days I actually know a bit of what I’m here for, and it’s fascinating watching life unfold. It will be very interesting to see what my life looks like in six or seven years. Lately, my life is all about my own healing and my family. I know that at some point, I’ll probably have a healing or healing and coaching business.
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You’re welcome…and wow! That sounds like an amazing thing to feel called to do with your life.
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It’s great and inspiring! One needs such little doses of inspiration every now and then!
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Thank you so much – I’m glad you found it helpful
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Well, timely today perhaps. I think you know where I stand on this one. I think we all live in a state of constant change. Or if not change, then let’s say development. If we set one standard, seek to achieve it, DO achieve it, but there’s nothing more…then what? There has to be something to do next. If there is not, then the human person simply stagnates and I do not believe that’s what we’re intended to do.
Benjamin Franklin sought to achieve moral perfection. He had carefully crafted plan to help him and he followed it. But in his Autobiography, he discusses the results of the experiment. He did not achieve moral perfection, but he had improved himself many times over. He decided that an imperfect, albeit improved, state of self was a rather admirable thing to be. Emerson talks of foolish consistency and remaining steadfast in our beliefs, habits, etc., even if they no longer serve us. “With consistency,” he writes, “a great soul has simply nothing to do.” Thoreau talks of why he left Walden Pond – he had more lives to live and could not spare more time for that one. And we see the theme of spending our life wisely to DO and to BE something great over and over again. Longfellow tells us to “be up and doing, with a heart for any fate.” Sounds good to me.
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I love that you KNOW all this stuff. I need to read these guys. I keep saying it and I’ll keep meaning it.
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Well, I’m a lit head. That’s my thing. This particular bunch of Americans happen to be my favorites, so I have read them over and over and over. Plus, they were in the curriculum I taught for 13 years! Kind of gets in under the skin after a while.
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Ahhhhhhh okay. That makes sense 🙂
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After such a long time, I am grateful to finally come to the realization that doing whatever you love is the gift and also the reward. The reward is doing what you do with love. Think back on the times you did any task and gave it your all? Maybe nobody saw or recognized it but deep down you felt happy and “proud of yourself” nothing else can be better than that feeling. This is a stark contrast to carrying out an unpleasant task even if you eventualy complete it and got an acclaim you wouldn’t still feel that “good high” The reward is in the how and not the what.
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I like that – the reward is in the how and not the what. If we’ve given our all to something, at the end of the day we can feel happy and satisfied. To do anything otherwise leaves discontent. Doing what you love – and doing it with love – makes all the difference in the world.
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Yes. But don’t try to do it for money, or it will eat you alive! Do something straightforward for money and immerse in what you love after working hours 🙂
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I think you’re probably very right about that.
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Wow really nice post
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Thank you 🙂
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Wow … This is just wow ….
Please check my blog.. It’ll mean the world to me
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Reblogged this on Speak 👑 and commented:
What are you here for?
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