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Castles in the air
Did you ever read a piece which resonated so deeply you felt your soul begin to resonate, shivering at the edges as though a bell had been struck in the midst of silence. Have you ever sat as the words flow into your mind, create neural pathways of new thoughts, like trees growing at high speed? Have you shivered as goosebumps coated your arms and the hairs raised up along the back of your neck at the solemn importance of those ideas?
I read a piece last week by today’s author, which did precisely that to me. You can read it here, and then for your reading pleasure, you can return to this piece, which I *had* to ask her to write for us, expanding further on the theme of getting you back to YOU.
It is my great pleasure to introduce you to Lisa Listwa. Enjoy. -Lizzi
Sometimes when we tell a story, we tell it in the vaguest of terms, changing names to protect the innocent, so to speak. And while those vague reflections may be inspiring to a degree, what truly stirs is the story of the person behind the page.
To write something well-received is happy indeed. But to be able to share more deeply, as friends with heads bent close over a tiny table and a steaming cup of coffee; to be able to move another soul more personally, is truly grand.
In my most recent post for 1000 Voices Speak for Compassion, I shared my thoughts on meeting and accepting your truest self. Partly in the interest of keeping the post to a reasonable length, and partly in the interest of holding my truth close, I spoke in vague reflections. I had an underlying fear of speaking the truth out loud. Why? Because doing so makes it real. And real is somewhat terrifying.
People love to ask children, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” Children are all too happy to answer and provide details about the hopes and dreams of their limitless fantasies. Children say, “I want to be a fireman!” or “I want be a ballerina!” They do not tell us, “I want to be completely confused about my path when I’m in my 30s and wonder what the hell I want to do with what remains of my life.” But for many, that final option is real.
When I was a child, I wanted to be a teacher. Whenever there was a game of “school,” I wanted to be in front of whatever makeshift classroom we constructed. I had no reason to believe I wouldn’t one day stand in front of my very own classroom. I talked myself out of a career in teaching, though. I heard horror stories from so many about terrible pay, terrible kids, terrible administrators. The landscape looked bleak at best, so I pursued other options. But in so many aspects of my life, I found myself in teaching situations and I loved every minute of it. And so, finally, after more than a few nudges from the universe, I went back to school.
I worked hard. I had a full-time job during the day and carried a full-time school load evenings and weekends. I had a goal in mind and I pushed to hit that mark. Some semesters, pushing meant carrying an overload of courses, giving up sleep, food, and anything even remotely resembling a social life. I was focused on my goal and I made it. Finally, I stepped into my first classroom. I had arrived.
The first year was nothing quite as happy as I had anticipated. I chalked it up to First Year Teacher-itis. My school was an hour from home and between the commute and the time spent grading and planning I was exhausted. I only saw the light of day from my car while driving. The second year I happily accepted a position at a school ten minutes from home – the school I wanted in the first place. I embraced the challenges of being, essentially, a second-year first-year teacher. I made it through.
The next several years followed in a fairly predictable, uneventful manner. I liked what I was doing, I spent a lot of time doing it, and I was happy to be there. Colleagues told me to get more involved, take on extra-curricular activities and really immerse myself in being a good teacher, connecting with the students. And so I did. And that was okay. But I realized that I was now spending an exorbitant amount of time wrapped up in either teaching, planning, grading, holding a club or activity meeting, running errands for those clubs and activities, working on an upcoming event or fundraiser…the list goes on. I watched teachers around me who did the same and saw them positively glowing with the joy of interaction and connection with the student body and the school community. They seemed to be having the time of their lives. I believed them when they told me that this was the way good teachers lived. I believed them when they told me I would feel a joy and fulfillment from teaching and extra-curricular activities. And I did, and it was all true for a while.
Until it wasn’t.
I can’t tell you when I started to realize that I didn’t quite feel the way other teachers seemed to. I can’t tell you how or why I started to realize that I wanted something different…but…I was a teacher and I was supposed to love being a teacher.
I believed that I had to stick it out – “Lots of teachers feel burnout at [insert number] years of teaching,” I was told. “You’ll get over it and feel fresh again next year”. But I didn’t. I had spent time, energy and money on building this version of my life. I couldn’t bail out. I wouldn’t bail out. No one would call me a quitter.
But does that serve anyone? Does staying where you know you don’t fit solve the problems of restlessness, discontent, and resentment? For me, it did not. It got worse. Unhappiness crept into every part of my life. It affected my health, my parenting, my relationships with friends and family, my marriage. I wouldn’t allow it to affect my work, but I knew in my heart that I wasn’t giving my best effort to that, either.
I finally admitted to myself that I wanted to do something else, but I fought myself again. I would not – could not – admit that my life wasn’t working this way. I didn’t want to be that failure. And to say it out loud made me a failure.
I spent a lot of time reading the words of authors I love who spoke of finding your true self; of realizing and accepting who you are rather than remaining stagnant in the idea of who you think you’re ‘supposed to be’ or who someone else expects you to be. I read Franklin, Emerson, Thoreau, Whitman…and so many others. I found the same sentiment screaming to me over and over – if you find that you’re a different person today than you once were, and you’re not happy about it, do something to change.
At the time I fought that notion, too. I convinced myself there was no way that I could ever leave a full time job with benefits to start a business of my own because who does something crazy like that? But things began to fall into place. The message was clear; the time is now. It seemed too crazy, too risky, too impossible, and far too irresponsible. Thoreau’s words from the “Conclusion” of Walden were never more applicable…
“I left the woods for as good a reason as I went there. Perhaps it seemed to me that I had several more lives to live, and could not spare any more time for that one.”
“I learned this, at least…if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours.”
“If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them.”
And that is precisely what I did.
I built my castle in the air. Together with my family I continue to lay the foundation beneath it. And I can tell you this with absolute certainty. I am living the life I never imagined, but have come to accept was waiting all along. There is still much to be done, but the success I have already met in so many ways has been unexpected – and profoundly fulfilling.
Perhaps we are wise to remain child-like at heart, always seeking to answer the question, “what do you want to be when you grow up?” Perhaps it’s OK not to have a final answer at any particular point in life. But if working toward discovery of our truest self is part of that process, it’s a future I’d be happy to let my child – or my inner child – dream of.
Lisa is a wife, mother, and self-employed recovering high school English teacher. She works as a freelance writer, editor, and tutor.
Lisa lives with her husband, her daughter, and three Rotten Cats. She spends her time stacking the pile of books to read ever higher, wondering if she should have been a chef, and trying to figure out where she last left her damn cell phone.
Lisa writes about life and all its fascinations and banalities at her blog, the The Meaning of Me. You can also find her on Facebook and Twitter.
SM links:
The Meaning of Me – http://www.themeaningofme.com
Facebook – https://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Meaning-of-Me/1549497105318801
Twitter – https://twitter.com/LisaMeaningofMe
This is beautiful, Lisa, and couldn’t be more appropriate for where I am right now in my own life. I find this concept becoming clearer and clearer as I see my children growing up and figuring out their own hopes, their own goals, their own happiness. Thank you for sharing such a thoughtful piece and I wish you all the best, and more, as you continue to build those foundations. I will be over here doing the same.
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Thanks, Sandy. It is good to know there are others out there doing the same thing. Sometimes I look around and wonder if I’m the only one going through this rediscovery and reinvention process. It often feels like I am and I start to think “am I crazy???” But when it’s just me and my thoughts and my prayers, I know it’s still the absolute right path to be on. And you make a great point – as our children start to make choices, even as young as my little Zilla, they need to see someone modeling that example of being true to yourself. One of my favorite poems talks about living your life so that it might be an inspiration to others trying to find their way. I think that’s exactly what you’re talking about here.
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**I am living the life I never imagined, but have come to accept was waiting all along.**
It. Was!
(( Joy. ))
I am so happy you are “living life” on your own terms!! x
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Me, too! And I love that you used that phrase about living life on my own terms – those are exactly the words I use when I talk about where I am right now. I spent too many years doing what I thought I was “supposed to do.” Life’s too short to live by someone else’s expectations.
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What a wonderful, inspiring piece – it is really hard to give up the version of ourself we so carefully planned to an uncertain future. I loved this! Thank you!
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Thank you! Is it wrong that I love it just a little that you said “inspiring”? That feels awesome. *glee*
Giving up the version of life that we so carefully planned and crafted and struggled for is – was – is – so difficult. I struggled for a long time with all the reasons why I felt I shouldn’t or couldn’t make a change like this. It’s scary as hell most days but I still feel like I’m living life more fully than I ever was when I had all the so-called security and status of the life I used to live. For me, that’s a good sign.
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Thank you so much for this, Lisa – I’m glad you were able to stick closer to the truth of what occurred in your life, and at the same time were able to find such freedom 🙂
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Thanks for giving me space. It was good.
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so awesome… I suspect that careers and marriages both often end up being less fulfilling than people expected they would be, and then there is only the choice of remaining or searching for a new dream… I don’t mean me or my marriage, just so you know… I just mean that I bet a lot of people have the same conversation in their head, do they stay where they are even if it isn’t all they thought it would or should be… life is complicated… good post!
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Thanks! I suspect you are correct – the question of “should I stay or should I go” is a big one in situations like these. And the real challenge, I think, is when you realize you should go, but can’t swing it just yet, which is what happened to me. Two years I had to wait until we were finally able to take the leap. An unenviable spot to be in without a doubt. Yeah, life is definitely complicated.
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A very thoughtful post… thank you.
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I love this Lisa. I love the idea of following you heart/gut/instinct and letting it take you exactly where you belong. It takes a lot of guts to do that. To walk away from the career you’d spent so much time and money to build. A lot of people would have cranked out 30 miserable years out of some kind of imaginary obligation. I’m happy that you’re finding your way.
I’m still asking myself what I want to be when I grow up. I know it involves writing (I’ve always known that). But exactly in what capacity is still yet to be determined and I’m ok with that.
The other side of this, which is totally not the point of your post but is so important, are the stress and demands placed on our teachers. It’s something I may have to write about…
Beautiful job.
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Thank you, Gretchen. I can’t honestly say I know what I want to be when I grow up yet, either Today I thought yoga instructor might be cool, for example, and I’ve never even taken a yoga class! 😀 Anyway, the point is, life is a journey and I don’t know that we have to settle on one thing that never changes, never evolves. There is much about what I want to do that is yet to be determined and, like you said, I’m OK with that. For now. (The nerves about never making a decent income creep in, of course, but that’s a whole other post!)
And yes, the stress and demands on teachers are astronomical. It’s a soapbox I try not to step up on too often because it gets me in trouble. Again, a whole other post…or discussion. Maybe over a bottle of wine and a long evening. 🙂
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I began to formulate an idea in college, that I later confirmed early in my working years, that I had far too diverse of interests to ever feel fulfilled in any career. As a result, work became what I did to pay for the things I truly loved to do. And, that has worked for me so far.
But, I do love this notion of continuing the search for one’s true self. I love the idea of starting over when you aren’t happy anymore, of doing something to change yourself or the situation. I don’t think I’ve ever needed to come to that, because I don’t loathe my job or love my job (it has its high point and lows like all do) – I’ve never invested that much of my energy or emotion into it. I go to work, I excel, and then I set it aside and enjoy the pursuits of my free time.
Despite our different approaches, I found your words captivating, and full of a depth of passion and knowledge that lends truth and value to them, that demand attention and careful consideration. I think, in the end, the point is we need to continue searching for our true selves, and the things that make us happiest, however best we can… right?
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Hi, Matticus. Thanks so much for your kind words here. You’re so right – everyone of us has our own method of doing things and that’s the beauty of it. We all have to find what works for us. But regardless of the approach, the idea of continuing to strive for self-betterment, to search for the truest part of ourselves…that should remain a constant if we are to grow as human beings. Ben Franklin did that his entire life and that’s one of my favorite things about him – that he was always seeking more of himself. Emerson and Thoreau, too, spoke always of that constant search for the next bit of progress in reaching our fullest potential and finding our truest self. A lifelong quest to be the best version of you possible? I can think of far worse ways to spend a life.
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I can’t even express how in awe I am of this post. You are an amazing lady – and I’m glad that you’ve been able to take charge and make your life what you want. Congratulations.
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Aw, Liv, this just made my heart so happy. Thank you. Really. 🙂 ❤
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“I left the woods for as good a reason as I went there. Perhaps it seemed to me that I had several more lives to live, and could not spare any more time for that one.”
LOVE this. Great post, my friend. ❤
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One of his best ideas. It serves me well. Thanks. ❤
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I read your #1000Speak post and loved every bit of it. Glad you could have a deeper continuation of this subject here.
I wanted to be so many things as a kid, but today I would have to go with marine biologist. I didn’t just dream of doing this, as an expression, but I even actually had a dream I was moving out to the west coast to study to become one.
Hmmm. Now I am starting my thirties and have no clue what I should be doing, but there are no easy answers.
I can’t stop the dreaming.
Excellent post.
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Thanks, Kerry. I’m glad, too, and I maybe wouldn’t have if not for some encouragement from a little bird (*cough that sounds like Lizzi*). 😉
Never stop the dreaming, Kerry. Our dreams are what keep us alive. There is always something to strive for, no matter how unrealistic it may seem. Many great accomplishments began with a seemingly far-fetched dream.
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The more far fetched the better.
🙂
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Sorry I’m late. I didn’t even know it was YOU that was being featured. I’m happy you found your castle in the sky, and I applaud you for dedicating yourself to building that foundation. You set a good example for your daughter. The truth is, we all take certain paths in life that lead us to places we may have intended to go but weren’t happy when we arrived, and you’re showing that you can turn down a new road and start over. Well done, Lisa, and thanks for sharing it here.
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Mandi, thanks. Now I’m all crying and shit. There are days i feel like a champion and other days when I wonder what the hell I was thinking taking such a balls-out crazy step like this. Being an example for my daughter is a huge thing, so I hope that I am doing that. Life definitely does not play out the way we might like, whether because of outside influences or internal change. But I’m not a big supporter of suffering and stagnating, so the only other option is to pick up your shit and do the next thing. Thank you for your words. ❤
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That you stepped out of the comfortable stable career you worked so hard to have to pursue your happiness, is incredibly admirable and inspiring. So many of us take the safe ‘planned’ route only to realize we are stuck in that life and live with regrets. Thanks for sharing and reminding us to take risks! 🙂
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Oh my goodness, I’m so sorry I’m so late to respond to you here! Thank you for your words…admirable, inspiring. I also find words like “crazy” and “terrifying” pretty appropriate many days as well. I hope and pray every day that this soon breaks wide open into the rewarding life I’ve imagine. 🙂
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This is wow.. So beautiful
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