May
14
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The Picture is Only Perfect in Her Head
I could tell you today’s post was written by a woman named Sharon. Or I could tell you her name is Veronica. It doesn’t matter because her identity is an alias so she can write free and not suffer what would no doubt be undesirable consequences. You will read her story and know she’s a gorgeous writer, and you will be struck by her fragility and compassion despite deeply rooted pain. –Beth
***
For most of my life, I thought that my low self esteem and depressive state, including self-harm episodes, were only due to the bullying I dealt with while growing up. From kindergarten to high school, I was bullied because I was too fat and too nerdy. Even now that I have lost a lot of weight, the fat girl still feels part of me, if not who I am on certain bad days.
I thought that all this bullying and how people felt sorry for any guy I had a crush on, made me so ashamed and feeling like a piece of junk. I thought it was why I entered several bad relationships, from toxic friends to abusive boyfriends. I felt that I had to be grateful to anyone showing interest in me, and it left scars that won’t disappear, no matter how hard I work towards healing.
It was only a few years ago that I had the courage to admit what had been on my mind for a long while: my abuse started with my mother. And this abuse is still going on. I didn’t want to see it. As an only child, it felt improper to think this. With how my mother had this picture perfect of our family, it seemed ugly of me to even consider her an abuser.
I am daughter to a narcissistic mother.
I did a lot of research, because I didn’t want to jump to conclusions. But she has all the symptoms, save for the ones that have to do with having multiple children. This is one of the most untreatable types of mental issue and I know that speaking with her would only mean getting into more trouble. She goes on terrible crisis and insane tantrums for the tiniest random thing, so trying to have a conversation that matters about who I really am and the realness of our relationship and history is impossible.
I am afraid of her, but I also know too well how trying to reason with her is impossible. At least, I was able to lay everything on the table with my father, who had no idea of what I had lived since I was a child. It was an eye opener for him.
Some people told me to cut all ties, but for several reasons, this isn’t an option I am willing to consider. I am working hard on getting distance from my mother’s behavior, but with more than a dozen years of untreated depression, this is a very difficult task. I am unable to get a therapist or even medication right now and am unsure of when this will change. I do as much online research and reading as I can and am set on seeking professional help the day I can afford it, both financially and personally.
Even typing these words make me feel guilty to a degree but I try to remind myself that it isn’t bad for me to speak up. I was raised to have this picture perfect stuck in my head thanks to my mother, about what I was, how wonderful everything was, how much she did for me and that I should be grateful all the time, even when she publicly humiliates me. It was hard for me to accept that she did physically abuse me even when she never hit me. She never respected my physical boundaries and still doesn’t, though I try as hard as I can to avoid situations that could lead to this.
Her degree of narcissism makes her react in a way close to dementia at times, which is why I try my best to be compassionate with her and understand that she might not always mean what she says or do. I still fear her in between the good days and hours. I still get put down for innocent things I say, for just expressing a disagreement, for not being the daughter she wants me to be, for wanting something that wasn’t in her bullet point list for my life, which goes as far as what my sexual life should allow, or how I should raise the children I don’t have yet – and she doesn’t even want to consider I want a different number of kids than she expects me to have.
A few years ago, I hated and feared my mother. Now I can say I manage to love her despite the flaws, but I still am afraid of her. And on some days, I still get extremely angry, both with her and with myself.
I have no idea what the future will bring and she still gaslights me more often than I’d want. All I can do is taking things one day at a time.
The SisterWives 
As an only child, and a child of divorce, I totally get this. You parent is supposed to be your closest ally, and sometimes it’s hard to see what’s really there. No one wants to admit their parent is abusive, or an addict, or even just a really bad parent who makes bad choices. There is guilt in that. Guilt for not seeing it sooner. Guilt for speaking up about it when you do. I was also taught to be grateful for everything I was given. It’s hard to question when the last thing you want is conflict or confrontation. Thanks for sharing.
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There were times when I hoped that my parents would divorce, maybe not for myself, but at least for my father. At the same time, I hated the thought of living with my mother and see my father even less, and how she would be even more of a financial burden on him. I still worry a lot about my father, even when some people tell me I shouldn’t. I still feel guilty even for writing this piece. I know I am not crazy as I believed I was until a few years ago, but I feel guilty on several levels. Thank you for your comment.
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You can find help for depression by going to an emergency department if you can. I am sorry that you have suffered so much. So brave of you for writing it down. Keep talking. Talking helps and we are always willing to listen. You are worth it.
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Thank you for your comment and your suggestions. I hope to be able to do this when I live on my own. For now I live with my parents and am unable to leave the house unless it is with my parents or that I have a valid reason (and finding a pirouette to an emergency department is a no go). I plan on seeking therapy as soon as I can.
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Recognizing narcissism in a parent and finding a way to love them anyway is a tremendous act of compassion. It is so very brave for you to tell your story. Thank you for sharing it here. Take care of you.
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Thank you for your kind words! I didn’t think I’d be able to love my mother despite what she has been doing to me but I realize that living in sole hatred wouldn’t solve everything. It’s hard and I don’t minimize what she does/did anymore but I also recognize the good times and qualities she may have anyway.
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Thank you for trusting us with your words and your story. Your strength and compassion is inspiring! xoxo
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Thank you for your support and offering a safe place to talk about such difficult things ❤
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Thanks for sharing your history. I, too, am an ACON.
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Without the Sister Wives team and their readers being so supportive, I would have never taken this big leap. Thank you for your words!
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Many churches offer counseling services for free or for a nominal fee to members of the community, even if they’re not members of the church. And although the counselors are likely to be Christian believers, they don’t push their faith on you if you aren’t Christian. Also, community hospitals often have family counseling services priced according to an individual’s ability to pay. I would strongly encourage you to seek help from such a source. You don’t have to continue to carry this burden! And if it makes you uncomfortable to accept help for free, consider accepting it as a “loan” … In the future, you can “pay back” by sponsoring someone else’s care.
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I am Christian and hope to find a Church but this will have to wait until the day I live on my own. My mother doesn’t like the idea of me going to Church. I am unable to come and go freely since I have to live with my parents for financial reasons. I plan to seek counseling the day I live on my own, which I hope will be within the next couple of years. Thank you for talking about seeing free help as a loan. I never thought about it from this angle but it makes it easier for me! I hope to help others at some point.
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I’m so glad my thoughts helped you! Sending you a big hug … It is hard that you have to be financially dependent, and I trust that you’re soon able to spread your wings. I’m not a very reliable correspondent because I battle with depression and sometimes just can’t “be there” for people … but if you’d like to connect with a flawed fellow believer you’re welcome to email me at beladonatok@gmail.com.
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I am awed by your clear-headedness and the generosity of your soul, that in spite of everything your mother put (and still puts) you through, you can say you love her, and are willing to adapt YOUR manner and way of living to maintain a positive relationship with her where possible. Huge kudos to you.
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Thank you for your kindness! One of the big motivators for me to make the decision to find a way to still love my mother is my father. I also can’t bear the thought of cutting all ties and end destroying my family. There are some ugly days but being able to talk about it and know I am not crazy, as I thought I was for so long, helps the difficult process of Healing, and God knows I have tons of this to do on several levels!
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Growing up with a mother who verbally sliced and diced me when she was manic, I have a lot of empathy for what you’ve lived with. I grew up in a household where it was not safe for me to develop personal boundaries. I was in survival mode for decades. My heart goes out to you, and I’m so very proud of you for writing. Writing has been in integral piece of my own healing. Keep writing!!
You are doing the best you can. Know that deep down in your heart. Even when you don’t feel good about life, know that you were programmed from a very little being, by someone who was not/ is not able to love themselves. My biggest healing has come from learning how to dump the old programming (because that’s what it is), and remember the amazing sparkly creation I am at my core (even on days when I don’t feel that way).
Do take others’ advice here about finding counseling that is free/ sliding fee scale. It’s out there, and you can find it. I have faith in you. Wrapping you in a huge, gentle, unconditionally loving hug (until you can do this for yourself).
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Thank you very much for your support! Having read so much on the Sister Wives for the past year is what gave me the courage to share my story. I was scared of doing so, even like I do with a pseudonym, but it helps. I can feel it. The survival mode sums it up well. Personal boundaries are inexistent in my life with my mother and I had a hard time with this again recently due to some temporary health issues. Changing the programming is something I have been working on for the last year or so. It’s hard but it is worth it. I hope to seek counseling the day I don’t live with my parents anymore (as I have to do so for financial reasons). My mother reigns on when/how my father or I leave the house and where we go. For years I tried to find excuses but being pretty isolated doesn’t help.
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Holding you up with love and support!!
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Taking things one day at a time is the right way. I’m a daughter of a Narc father and I am nodding my head through your whole story. The perfection, the verbal abuse, the flying off the handle at the weirdest moments…the gas lighting. The damage they do is unbelievable. The only way I am able to have a relationship with my father is to do exactly what he wants. If I disagree, have a different point of view he wants nothing to do with me.
Sorry to go on about me when this is about you! I hope the best for you and I admire your ability to have compassion for your mother. Maybe things will improve. One piece of advice I would share is this; Narc parents can be led by your example and if you don’t tolerate certain behaviors they are capable of grasping that and stopping or reducing their abuse. Keep that in mind so that you can protect yourself. You’ve shared an important story here that will help others in the same situation. You’re very brave!
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You don’t need to apologize! Learning about other people’ experience with narcissistic parents is important to me. I heard so many times from friends of mine that either my mother was so lovely (to them) and that I must be horrid to think bad things of her, or they thought she was just weird and I was an idiot for not cutting all ties with her. Finding our way around narcissistic problematic behaviors is so difficult.
Thank you for the advice about leading by example! I have been able to hold my ground every once in a while in the past couple of years but it isn’t so easy, even when I don’t tolerate certain things. It very much differs from one day to the next.
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-Thank you for sharing your truth w/ us.
This is your first step into “Healing & Empowerment.”
I have a friend who has this kind of relationship w/ her mother. (she is /was a horrible person. SO selfish and narcissistic).
She told me recently, “Kim, she is not going to change, so after all of these years, I finally accept her, love her for who she is.”
It was HARDER for me to accept this than her– because I can’t stand her mother…
but she told me this has liberated her.
xx Kiss from MN.
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Thank you for the kind words! Opening up about this is difficult and save for a few close friends in the past couple of years (including some ‘former’ friends now), I didn’t think I could speak about this. The Sister Wives is my opportunity thanks to the amazing community. Your friend reminds me of myself. It’s hard to love despite such deep/dangerous flaws (and some days the compassion just goes poof, when the abuse is too strong) but I think it helps. My mother is the only abuser I have kept in my life by now. All the others one have been sent away, even when like a certain ex, they harrassed me afterwards. I do my best to be surrounded by people who care about me but my mother is a special case.
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I am always awestruck when people pour their guts out here. It takes strength to do that. It might help people who have gone or are going through similar things.
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Thank you very much for your comment. I am still surprised I wrote (and published) this post, even under another name. The SisterWives really provide a safe environment.
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It is a magical place, and I love being a part of it.
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I know EXACTLY where you are coming from. Your story is different from mine, but it is the same. I am the son of an alcoholic narcissist and your thoughts and feelings are all too familiar to me. In fact, I wrote a post on my own blog very similar to this one if you’d ever care to read it. I understand your need to stay anonymous. I didn’t choose to do that but forgot the effects it would have on my family that still lives with him so I ended up having to password protect it.
Keep writing like this. It is therapeutic and will help you grow into your own person and escape the grasp this “character defect” that your mother has. Stick around, hang out and keep sharing your story. There are more of us that are just like you than you think, and these wonderful Sisterwives are only the beginning of the love and support you can find in this community.
If you’d like to read my story, let me know and I’d be glad to share the link and the password with you.
You are not alone.
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Sorry to hear about your narcissitic and alcoholic parent. Reaching out to others and telling my story isn’t something I thought about doing, especially since when I shared bits and pièces to certain “friends”, they didn’t believe me or just thought it wasn’t a big deal like I was “trying” to make it sound like. Thank you for your support!
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I am the child of a narcissist, my father, not my mother. I have a friend who is the child of a narcissistic mother. Having a parent with NPD is devastating. I hope you can find peace. I hope you can learn and accept that it was NEVER your fault. I am sending you all the love and support I can.
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Thank you for your kind words. In the recent years, I was able to talk with my father about the situation, when he finally confronted the kind of woman he was married to. Since then, he has been less of an enabler which can help at times. Him taking my side and supporting me helps. I know he didn’t realize what we were up against until recently but at least now we can talk, when we are able not to have my mother stuck on us.
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I was in a very co-dependent relationship with my mom as I was growing up so I relate to a lot of the guilt you’re describing. My mom didn’t know how to be the adult in our relationship and put unreasonable expectations on me to comfort and please her. My whole identity revolved around her and making her happy with me. Eventually, I figured out who I am and what makes me happy without her. That’s really hard to do when you’re living with the person so I understand what a difficult position you’re in. Finding the courage to speak up and acknowledging your fears is a huge step. There’s power in being able to name your mom’s condition and to be able to describe how it makes you feel. You may not be able to go to counseling until you live on your own but you can research, you can read and you can connect with people who are struggling too. You’re not alone sweet Sharon.
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Thank you for sharing your experience too and for your support. Finding who I really am was a long process (I know it’s always in motion to a certain extent though). Being able to separate who she wants me to be and who I am is difficult but it is empowering even when there are things about me I can’t talk to her about.
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