May 07

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The Man(di) Cave

Posted by on May 7, 2015 in The Lighter Side, The Mandi Cave | 251 Comments

It’s not every day that we get to have three men on our blog at the same time. Actually, it’s not every day, it’s once a month, and this month, I’m happy to introduce you (as if you don’t already know them) to three of our favorite guys here at SisterWives.

You’ve most likely seen all three write for us. They’ve each been here at least once, and we welcome their charm any chance we can, so please put your hands together for the men on the hot seat today:

Ned

Ned writes Ned’s Blog, Humor at the Speed of Light.

 

Art

Art who writes Pouring My Art Out.

 

Matt

Matticus who writes The Matticus Kingdom

 

Let’s get to the fun and get this party started. Welcome to this installment of:

The Man di Cave

 

 

In your opinion, what are the biggest misconceptions women have about men?

 

NedThat’s an easy one. Women have the misconception that men are obsessed with their boobs. That is a complete falsie! But since you asked, I’m going to give you my nipple’s worth. It really comes down to a large pair of misunderstandings that are constantly being shoved in our faces. Both are related to men’s basic instincts. In fact, if mammary serves from high school biology, we are genetically hardwired as hunters and protectors to keep abreast of dangers or potential teets threats to those we love. When we appear to be looking at your breasts during conversation, we aren’t staring! We are assessing your overall safety relative to your surroundings. The larger your breasts, the bigger the danger. I’ve been married almost seven years, and I can tell you I have hardly slept because my wife is constantly in enormous danger!

But it’s a burden I gladly grope with every day because I love her and want the breast for her and our marriage.

So yeah, being labeled as “boob-obsessed” kind of sucks.

 

Art I’m sorry. Did you say something?

Oh… the biggest misconception is that you think we ever actually listen to you when there is nothing in it for us… HA! See what I did there?  That was a joke. No, let me clarify that. It was a joke when I said it. We all know damn well that there are too many men out there that feel that way. The ones that call you “Hon” and “Sugar” and wonder what you are doing in a place of business instead of a kitchen. And the sad thing is that there are more guys who pretend they aren’t like that than there are actual guys who aren’t like that. Just like there are racists in the world who pretend they aren’t. I hate those guys. As the man who was, proudly, the first to beg, grovel and whimper to be allowed to be a semiofficial sister/brother/husband/wife, I see that we need to respect you without putting you on such a high pedestal that we can look up your skirt… uh… so to speak… We need to cherish you without treating you like porcelain dolls,  we need to love you without ever dominating or bullying you, and we need to treat you as equals even though obviously you are way more advanced and on a whole other plain of existence than we can ever hope to be.

 

Matt Hah.  Very funny.  Everyone knows that women are perfect and, therefore, cannot possibly have any misconceptions about anything, including men.  While I do agree we are an anomaly, we still fall within “anything.”  Nice try, though.  Very sneaky of you to make the first question a trick one and try to catch me off guard.  But, were we to reside in some alternate dimension where women may not be as perfect, potentially, hypothetically, perhaps one misconception they might have about men is that we never grow up.  We just get bigger, and more expensive, toys.  This isn’t true at all, of course.  Well, the toy part is.  We definitely get way better toys as we age, but we do “grow up,” too.  Sometimes it is just easier to go along with the misconception and let the women in our lives think we don’t know anything about responsibility and maturity and on and on…  Anyway, we do grow up.  I have the wrinkles and receding hair line to prove it.

 

Speaking of misconceptions, what is the most annoying thing  we, as women, do that you would change if you could?

 

Ned(Warning: Mushy zone ahead) I must begin my answer with a heartfelt disclaimer, which is that my wife is unlike any woman I have ever met — which is why I thank the heavens, blind luck, fate and The Force every day for giving her a long enough lapse in judgement to marry me. Honestly, the things I might consider annoying in other women simply don’t exist in my wife. Even her voice is perfect. That being said, there are certainly stereotypical female traits that men find annoying and WON’T HESITATE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT, DAMN IT! As long as there aren’t actually any women around.

 

Generally speaking, the traits men find “annoying” about women almost always comes down to communication; women crave it and a lot of men (present company excepted, of course) would rather listen to SportsTalk. I’m a communicator, so I suppose the one annoying thing I’d change about women would be how often they are actually right about things.

 

ArtSeriously, just decide where you want the freakin’ couch to go before you ask us to move it. Take a photo of the dang thing and hold it up in front of you to line it up with where you think you want it. Or buy a home design software program that lets you play with layouts of your own house. Whatever it takes to not have to move the couch a bunch of times.

 

MattWould you please stop being so damn sexy?

Said no man, ever.

Assuming we are still in the theoretical alternate reality where women aren’t perfect, then it would be wonderful if you could stop trying to multi-task all the time.  Yes, you are better at it than men.  That’s fine.  You don’t have to prove it at every opportunity.  Calm down, relax, and enjoy being present in one activity or thought from time to time.  You may be less productive that way, but you might find that you like it.  No, I can’t crochet a blanket, watch a TV show, hold a conversation, and plan out the meals for the week all at the same time.  But, when the show is over I will have actually experienced it, and could then turn the TV off and help with the meal planning and have a real face to face conversation.  I can’t do the crocheting thing even then, though.  That’s just one of my failings.

 

 

Now let’s get romantic. *lights candles* How do you woo your girl? What was the last thing you did for her to make her feel treasured? What can we to show you the same?

 

NedHow do I get the romance started? Ha! I just drop my boxer briefs and yell, “Come and GET it, Baby cakes! Oh, and grab a beer on the way!”

*slaps own face repeatedly*

Whoa! Sorry! Apparently I was channeling the Hillbilly Porn Network. Actually, I’m a firm believer in the the importance of  “everyday” romance, i.e., I try to woo my wife every day with small gestures. I think that’s important. Especially since we sleep together. If I leave for work early, I always make her a pot of coffee and leave a note with it. Admittedly, those notes have been toned down quite a bit over the years since the kids learned to read, but I still leave them; rain or shine, I always open the car door and make sure she’s belted in before I get in. She appreciated this sacrifice because she knows, living in a town with a lot of senior citizen drivers, the longer I’m outside the car the bigger the chance I’ll be struck by a Lincoln Towncar. Even if I’m on the sidewalk.

So I guess my answer would be: With small gestures, every chance I get.

At least until I get taken out by a driver with a AARP card.

 

ArtWriting for this blog is always a challenge. The more heartbreaking the post, the more my instincts drive me to try to find some aspect of it that I can make funny. But I will not make romance into a joke. The short answer is that I have some unfair advantages over my fellow men when it comes to romance. In the first place, I am 6 feet 4 inches tall and singularly attractive. I also have marvelous legs… still… Back in my younger days, when I had long hair and was something of a bad ass, I was that rare combination of well-raised bad boy that drives women wild. I had that air of danger, yet you instinctively knew that your were safe with me. You knew I wasn’t going to take advantage of you in any way. On top of that, there is my weird all-art-side-of-the-brain thing that, while making it almost impossible for me to function in the real world or be any kind of success in business, does allow me to write moving love songs and poetry, to paint and to draw and express myself in tender words of love. Also, I seem to be instinctually romantic. Add that to being a natural-born artist, and I could pick the best bouquet of flowers because I see the colors, and I knew all the irresistible spots to watch a sunset, because I value those things. Very few women can resist an onslaught of a love song being written for them, a painting done in their honor, flowers picked that match your eyes, tender words of adoration strung together lovingly and whispered in your ear while the sun descends and the sky burns with radiant colors that match the very mood within your soul. Also, women knew that it wasn’t an act. It was the real me. It still is the real me. Also, I have guitar player fingers… so… uh… yeah…

As for what you can do for us, well, you just be you, you… I mean, unless you are bug-ass crazy… then maybe not.

 

MattI lean in close, so my lips are so close to her ear I can breathe in her smell, so our skin can feel the warmth radiating off each other, and then I whisper, “woo.”

What?  That could totally work…  Okay, probably not, but I haven’t actually tried it yet, so you never know.  What I do actually do to woo the Queen is anything and everything I can to make her life easier.  Dishes, laundry, vacuuming, this, that, and the other.  You can call me, Mr. Chore of the Matticus Kingdom.   Being helpful around the house has a proven track record of being successful around 5% of the time, which leads to *censored* *censored* *censored* while my *censored* *censored* *censored* and she *censored* *censored* *censored.*  Then, when we are done, she usually says, “yeah, that was satisfactory.”  Honestly, it shouldn’t even be called the Matticus Kingdom anymore.  We have been fully taken over by the Toddlerocracy and the tyrannical rule of the Little Prince.  The last thing I did for her, to make her feel treasured, was change all of the Little Prince’s diapers one day.  All of them.  Even the completely destroyed ones I had to immediately take to the hazardous materials bin and launch into the sun.  And to make me feel treasured?  Perhaps this is just me, though I suspect it pertains to most men and the women in their lives, but the Queen could smile in my general direction and I’d be riding a high for the foreseeable future.  Just show us a little attention and we’ll be yours.  A wink.  A lingering touch.  A flirty smile.  It all works and it is all wonderful.

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Well, this was fun for me. What do you think? Let’s have some fun with the guys in the comment section and get the conversation started? Do you think they nailed our misconceptions, ladies? Guys, did they leave any of our most annoying qualities out? What other questions do you have? We plan to run this once a month, so if you leave a good question in the comment section, you might see it pop up with a different group of guys in the coming months.