The Man (di) Cave Debut
Men fascinate me. I grew up in a house surrounded by testosterone, and I always thought I understood those strange creatures of the opposite sex. But the more conversations I have with my brothers, my my male friends, with my husband, the more I realize I really know nothing other than they like boobs and beer and usually at least some of the time say what they mean. For this reason, the SisterWives and I have decided to run this little experiment here and see if maybe we can get some of our favorite male supporters to help us to understand … anything.
Today, I’m bringing you three married dads, and asking them some questions about marriage and life after kids. Please help me welcome my guests today.
Gordon is a husband and a father of one boy. He can be found at http://dailytwocents.com/author/gordon-rupe/ where he writes a little bit about everything including topics like music, politics, and religion.
Don is a veteran of the SisterWives and a loving husband and father of three, two boys and one girl. His most recent post at http://donofalltrades.com/ went viral, and now Oprah Winfrey is considering coming out of retirement just to interview our Don.
Briton keeps getting asked back to the SisterWives because we’ve all fallen in love with him. He writes about life with his wife and his twin toddler boys and brand newborn baby boy at http://punkrockpapa.com/. He’s also the founder of originalbunkerpunks.com.
What’s one thing you feel confident you think you know about women?
Oh, sorry, my brain suddenly short circuited and I guess I thought I was on a game show being asked a ridiculously difficult question.
Is this a trick question?
Why is it the first one for God’s sake?
See how annoying questions are, ladies???
Let’s see…confident that I think I know about women. Well, I KNOW that they don’t have penises for sure, because my wife doesn’t have a penis and neither does my mom. I know this because I asked my dad at Easter dinner just to be sure. He gave me a queer look, but after a few Budweisers, he finally told me that mom was also sans penis.
I’m of course working under the assumption that my wife and mom are representative of women in general, so if that’s not the case, then I don’t have a clue.
Like just when you think you know a woman, penis or not, she goes and reads every 50 Shades of Gray book, even though she’s an avid non-reader of books. And then, she goes to see a movie about those very books and doesn’t come home frisky enough for sexy time with her husband who may have consumed 57 beers while he was “watching the kids” while his wife was at the movies because he put his dog down that day and that’s what Jojo would have wanted.
What was the question again?
Women, right! Well I know that most of them smell wonderful, like fruit or honey or whatever it is that smells good. They’re so smart and under appreciated as well.
I’m going to go ahead and stop right here because I feel as though this is a trick, and if I mention any buzzwords like “batshit crazy” or “catty” or “averse to oral sex because I didn’t take out the trash or cut the grass, but if I did cut the grass, then I need to shower first and even then it’s probably not going to happen if it’s not my birthday, so I won’t go there.
I remain completely confident in my lack of knowledge of women. Oh wait, they like chocolate- right? Women are, as they should be to all men, a complete enigma. I like that though. I love asking my wife what she wants for dinner only to hear her say she doesn’t care. Only to find out she does care and it wasn’t cereal she wanted. Or, when she says she doesn’t want anything for Valentine’s Day but it turns out she wants half my paycheck in the form of chocolate and flowers. Women are cool.
How do you keep it exciting in the bedroom after kids?
Once the kids were born and the wife decided she’d sometimes get up in the middle of the night to feed them, or be too tired for sexy time from working and breastfeeding and doing other mom shit, I moved my PS3 and college dorm beer fridge, which I’ve never been able to part with, to my side of the bed and things have never been more amazing in the bedroom.
We do get it on from time to time though. One way we make the actual act of sex exciting is by leaving the door unlocked. The fear that a little one could walk in and be scarred forever by the sight of near naked daddy in a tiara and a wonder woman outfit on top of naked mommy shouting, “tell me I’m a bad girl, Superman!” is pretty thrilling.
Kids are a tough act to follow. I used to be able to jump naked while shouting “Look! It’s a helicopter! WEEEEEEEE!!!!!” Needless to say this doesn’t work so well after kids. I don’t know if it is my newfound dad weight or the fact that last time I did it I ran out of breath after thirty seconds and needed an inhaler, it doesn’t work anymore. So now, to keep things exciting, I will grab my wife and kiss her passionately. Then, as I pull away I say, “I will wake up with the kids tomorrow and watch Kipper. You can sleep in.” This is SUPER effective! The moment sleep in leaves my mouth my wife usually shouts something like “Take me and make it under fifteen minutes! I am going to bed after fifteen minutes whether you’re done or not!” Sex time limits are hot.
A video went around last week that made me snorph, so I have to ask this question. Explain to me what a period is. And what it’s like when it happens in your house.
The thing at the end of the sentence? Or are you talking the thing that attracts bears? Well, the first one ties up a thought quite nicely. I really can’t remember the last period my wife had, she has been non-stop pregnant for like three years now. between the twins and the newborn I think I have had to throw chocolates, a dvd case of The Tudors and apologies at her maybe twice. I am more fit to talk about morning sickness and heartburn than menstruation. However, I never have a problem spouting off about things I know nothing about! Periods are scary, and when multiple women align their periods they create a menstruation messenger which they can send angry passive aggressive communications from uterus to uterus. you can quell the communications with chocolate and tv show cd sets, but you never quiet tame the beast. Until menopause. lol.
How do you divide the every day tasks in your house between you and your wife? Does one carry more weight when it comes to the children?
I do all the house work, the budget, trash, laundry, etc……She cooks.
I’m not sure if my wife is atypical, but I think she is, because she doesn’t seem to enjoy doing the laundry and vacuuming and scrubbing toilets like I’d always assumed women did. She doesn’t put on an apron and prance around with a glass of wine in her hand all lolly-fucking-dee-this-is-fun like other women do, according to many of my male coworkers and friends, who probably need to be punched in their balls.
We do things mostly based on who’s home when something needs to be done, more than anything else. I mean, I do cut the grass and she does most of the laundry, but that’s mostly because she doesn’t care for the lawn mower and I’m not allowed to touch the fancy new washer and dryer because I break things sometimes.
I do most of the cooking because I enjoy it more than her, and she wrestles the kids to bed while I do a half-assed job of cleaning up.
My wife isn’t one to let people get away with doing nothing while she does all the work, so she gets on the kids to do a lot of the shit that we don’t want to do, because that’s part of the joy of having kids and fuck them, they don’t pay rent or anything.
I would suggest that my wife does more to keep our house semi-orderly, and she does most of the kid related things, but a lot of that is because I work 157 hours a week because cops make so much money and it’s so fun!!
For real though, I do a lot more than a lot of men, but it’s still not as much as my beloved, penisless wife.
She carried the weight of the children for months during that whole pregnancy debacle. Twice. The first time with two at once! That being said, we divide the every day tasks fairly. She makes the lunches and I eat them. Relax! It is a joke! Sometimes I don’t eat them. No, we divide responsibility fairly. Both of us have full time jobs and different schedules, so sometimes it can get a little strained, we are awesome with communication though. I am lucky to have such a loving and easygoing wife. I don’t take it for granted. She has blessed me with three adorable children and hasn’t murdered me yet, I love being an active father. Yes, from dirty diapers to lunches, we are a team and both put in equal effort. Sometimes we play rock, paper, scissors for dirty diaper duty though.
Thank you Gordon, Don, and Briton for coming here today and for being such great sports and answering our wonky questions. We love having you and hope we can ask you back again.
***ATTENTION, BELOVED READERS! Now it’s your turn! We want to hear from you! Is there a burning question you’ve always wanted to ask the Sisterwives? NOW IS YOUR CHANCE! No question is off-limits, and we promise to tell the truth! Probably! Post your question in the comments below!
Also, please give these guys some love in the comment section, and if you would like to volunteer for a future panel, let me know. We’d LOVE to do this monthly.