March
19
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Building from Bullying: Your Voice Matters (a #1000Speak post)
Since January, I’ve had an astonishing, whirlwind ride, and somehow ended up in the middle of the 1000 Voices Speak for Compassion movement. Our inaugural effort was FABULOUS and got SO many people talking, and writing, about compassion. We decided we wanted to do MORE than just the one-off event, and came up with a plan. But we wanted topics, because there are so many areas of life which really NEED compassion spoken into them. Quite out of the blue, my dear friend Hasty Words came to me explaining project she was embarking upon through March, about bullying. I rapidly acknowledged its potential, and it was decided that #1000Speak would follow her lead, focussing on ‘Building from Bullying’ for our March 20th linkup. Because Hasty’s right – it’s a very prevalent, incredibly complex issue, which always bears frank dialogue. So we took on her idea, because it’s such a good one. But let her explain herself, and why this is so important to her… -Lizzi
Recently, I witnessed a case of cyberbullying that disturbed me greatly. The normal constructs society has built to deal with bully behavior do not work. With kids as young as third grade getting online it is imperative that parents, school admins, and law enforcement work hard to get caught up. If you think young kids aren’t yet capable of being online bullies you would be wrong.
I was wrong… I saw it… and it scared me.
I wanted to do something about it and yet I was extremely limited. I do have a voice though… we all do. I want my daughter to know she has a very powerful voice and so I decided to host numerous voices on my blog. I wanted her to see the power we are all capable of, so I did three things.
First, I opened up my blog for the month of March so those who needed a place to be heard could speak. Information is powerful and although many of the stories I hosted HERE are heartbreaking they all serve a valuable purpose – to teach us.
The second thing I decided to do was share my own voice and I can think of no better place to do that than here on the SisterWives. Currently, all I can think about is cyber-bulling and how out of control it is. I have spent so much time trying to find ways to help my daughter navigate the future.
My daughter is ten and I have already seen enough to make me want to stick her inside a plastic bubble the rest of her life. Raising a little human is damn hard and it is even harder when you realize you can’t protect them.
Trying to raise a bullet-proof little girl who is also kind and compassionate is NOT easy but throw social media into the mix and you no longer need bullet-proof kids – you need blast-proof kids. Social media is like dynamite and our kids have little matchstick fingers.
There are so many lessons a kid needs to learn before they should be allowed on social media. I am going to list just a few that are important in my opinion.
Unlike most of her friends, my daughter does not have a phone but she does have an Instagram account. It was the easiest thing to monitor and I believed it was a good way to introduce her to social media. I am already having anxiety attacks because I think she is the one teaching me.
ONLINE PREDATORS
Never did I think I would need to be teaching my fifth-grade daughter how to avoid and protect herself from online strangers/predators. I am very active on social media and have had enough run-ins with predators that I know to be scared. Lock your account, never accept someone you don’t ACTUALLY know is real, and never use your real name.
I have gone so far as to tell my daughter she has to ask permission to follow an account or to allow someone to follow her. You know all those cute Instagram sites that have a cute puppy (etc) every day? The last thing you want is for the cute puppy person to DM your child…
TRUST
I told my daughter I get to see everything. If I want to see her private messages then I get to see them. It isn’t about me being nosey but about me keeping her safe. So far she has been very willingly to give me her device. I don’t just say hand it over; it’s more like let’s talk about what is going on with your social media and we look at it together.
I promise not to spy when she isn’t around and she promises not to ever delete anything. We discuss it all together and we do it often so it doesn’t seem like I am picking on her. It has become a natural habit for us.
NO PRIVACY
Some parents find it an invasion of privacy to monitor their child’s communications online. This is why I disagree: nothing done online is private and it is important your child understands this. DM’s are not the same as a personal person to person communication. Once it is typed it is public. It can be copied and shared in an instant.
To be honest this is the lesson I am most worried about. It is easy for me, a 40-something adult to forget that my communication isn’t sacred online.
The last and most exciting thing I did was reach out to my friends involved in #1000speak. The group, made up of people of all nationalities who focus on compassion, has grown into a chorus of voices intent on inspiring the world. They have agreed to make BUILDING FROM BULLYING their topic for March 20th. If you haven’t heard of #1000 speak please join us. If you need a place to post a story then visit HERE. You can also join the other bloggers on FB HERE.
EVEN WHEN YOU AREN’T SURE ANYONE IS LISTENING
YOUR VOICE MATTERS
SO
SPEAK
https://twitter.com/HastyWords
Frist. And thank you SO MUCH for this topic 💖
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Thank you so much for asking me to write 🙂
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Who else 😀 It’s perfect.
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Hugs aplenty. This is so frightening. I’ve been thinking SO much about the utter lack of accountability and transparency afforded by the internet, and have also been obsessed with witch trials and false accusations — the Interweb is a scary place.
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I know right?! Witch trials is exactly what it feels like when you have an invisibly real threat. You look at every potential suspect and wonder but without proof you are stuck. Imagine this invisible bully stealing YOUR name to bully people and how everyone starts looking at YOU and you have no idea why?
It is truly scary and although I already knew that it is very different when you start realizing you child is about to start swimming with sharks.
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Such an important topic. I am amazed when parents don’t check in on their kids’ cyber lives. Can you imagine dropping your child or even tween/teen off in Grand Central station and leaving them there overnight? No boundaries, no guidance? Being present, witnessing and supporting, these are our most important roles and our greatest opportunities. Wonderfully written, as always.
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Thank you very much. It is truly the only way I know of to handle and strengthen your child’s entrance into the cyber world…be present…teach them of the dangers and give them tools to navigate them.
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This is so important, Hasty, and thank you for sharing your experience. Your statement, “Social media is like dynamite and our kids have little matchstick fingers” is so accurate. I’ve been a huge anti-social media person for so long and I have seen kids and teens in action. What they do out there is terrifying.
I love the way you and your daughter are handling her introduction to social media. I love the open dialogue – that is so very important. In my experience as a teacher I would say that in the vast majority of cases where this sort of thing is a problem, there is a distinct lack of parent/child dialogue about it. Kudos to you for starting off with such open sharing. I wish you both the best as you continue to move forward.
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When my daughter was very, very young I decided to be proactive in understanding all the sites that are out there and how they work. That was 8 years ago and even then I had NO idea how big social media would become. It is like the movie monster the blob, devouring and growing exponentially.
Communication is the best tool we have and I don’t want to waste a single day without it. 🙂
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Well I’m taking notes from you because all too soon my little six year old is going to be interested and that is terrifying.
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you have touched a very serious and sensitive issue… compassion is much needed in today’s world….
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It is so scary to let our kids venture into this world of online connections and communications. My instinct is to not allow it. But that’s not the world we live in. I would rather them learn how to navigate these things now, while they are young enough for me to do it with them, while they are young enough to still WANT to listen to me. My 11 year old has an Instagram account. She loves it. My husband and I both follow her and we monitor and talk to her about it. She connects with other (kid) artists and other fans of her manga comics. I think it’s been a great way for her to find other kids in to the same things she’s interested in, especially since she’s not like most of the fifth grade girls she knows. And she’s young enough that she comes to me if there’s anything questionable and we talk about these things together. If I waited until she was 16 to let her get on Social Media? I don’t think she’d absorb the lessons I need to teach her as well as she will now. But the online bullying aspect is so scary. If that shows up I will probably pull the plug on all of it…
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I am so glad you have chosen to help her learn and navigate. Our kids are going to be amazing at social media I think. I think the MOST important thing about cyber-bullying is to realize no reaction or interaction is the BEST course in most instances. Don’t respond and they will find someone else to pick on… but their are more complicated scenarios like the one I mentioned above in my reply to Helena.
We can’t wait…we have to be proactive 🙂
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Yes – this is a very important topic. Children need to be monitored much more than they are.
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Agreed…
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This is fantastic advice! setting aside time to talk about social media accounts together and on a regular basis is a great suggestion, Hasty! Why not include social media as part of the ‘family meetings’ (that’s what we used to have when my kids were young). As you say social media isn’t private so why should it be from parents?
I think social media is contributing to much of the anxiety in today’s teens. Great topic!
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I really couldn’t imagine going without our conversations. Sometimes she isn’t in the mood which I respect but it’s important and we make lots of uninterrupted time.
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Cyber bullying is worse than the old fashioned, physical, in your face kind. When bullies had to confront you, it sort of limited the bully lifestyle to large hulking brutes. Now, and puissant with a grudge can be horribly cruel from behind the cloak of anonymity. It is like the difference between war when we fought with swords and war where we use drones.
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OH such good analogies. Yes…so very true.
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thanks, buddy
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This topic is HUGE for me–I’m so grateful for you for helping to give it voice and space. I was cyberbullied right before my daughter asked to have an online presence. I saw what you saw and the importance of teaching our kids how to be kind online became my goal and movement and “thing” instantly. So happy to find other like-minded people!
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I hear you! My son had a scary encounter with someone while playing an online version of a video game. The person claimed to be a teen, but who knows!! I wrote about it because I wanted other parents to know in what different ways predators may be targeting your child!! It’s just chilling to even think about!!
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My daughter had a classmate pretending to BE her and bullied other kids online….this is 5th grade!!! It is chilling and we must communicate constantly…information is power.
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OMG!! That stinks!!
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I hear this one very loud and very clear. My 12 year old daughter is very active on social media, especially Instagram and I watch everything she does. I know every password, every email, every everything. I’m even looking into a program I can use on her iPhone so I can see text messages. I trust her. It’s the rest of the world I worry about. I am well aware of how easily young people, and people of all ages, are influenced. And seriously, do we really know who we’re talking too 100% of the time.
You keep doing what you’re doing. Since the plastic bubble isn’t really an option, this is what must me done. You have a parenting partner right here!
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Oh I like that idea…parenting partner. The best way to learn is to get out there and learn. I told her we are in it together…I respect her growth and imperfections and she feels comfortable sharing them with me. I really couldn’t ask for more than that. AND I barely know anyone I am talking too 🙂
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I was one of those parents that felt my kids had no right to privacy until they could pay their own bills, and that was in the 90’s when social media wasn’t a thing. I’d be a lunatic now. Bullying is so pervasive now, it’s terrifying. I think when you can hide behind your computer screen you feel emboldened, in both good and bad ways. I’m really glad I don’t have young kids anymore. But I do have grandkids. Scary.
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HUGELY important topic!!! It’s very scary, and I worry about my sons, who at just 7 and 10 are already super computer and social media savvy. I had to ask my 10yo how to make a youtube video, and he already has his own channel! It’s very scary when I think how vulnerable this makes him. I won’t let him show his face or use his real name….but before long I won’t be able to monitor his every move and he’ll do what he wants. Thanks for this Hasty! mwa!
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Ah, the Instagram accounts. I’ve seen my 8 year old daughter’s friends have them. She doesn’t have an account…yet. The parents are much like you – they monitor everything. I will be doing the same when she jumps into the social media world. I just wonder at what age we can let them monitor themselves…guess it depends on the maturity of the child.
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I too have a 5th grader and she has ONLY an Instagram account, this was such a personal and refreshing read. It felt wonderful to hear that someone else felt EXACTY the way I do on this crucial, relevant, and sensitive topic. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us.
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