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No One Talks About It
Fear. Judgement. Discrimination. This is the short list associated with the the stigma of mental illness and the effects are devastating to not only those who live with it, but the family members who love them. Please welcome Leah who simply wants you to hear her message when it comes to perpetuating the stigma of mental illness. No one should suffer in silence. – Sandy
No one talks about it. Not a sound is heard. Not as the dark limbs grow and stretch, their gnarly claws inching ever closer, until you are sure they will grip you in a viselike hold and never let you go. Still, while the fear seeps into layer after layer until it chills you to the bone, no one talks about it.
The illness is discussed, the diagnosis, prognosis, medication plan, the therapy sessions, hospital stays and endless prayers. Those words easily find a voice through the parted lips of doctors, nurses, family members, therapists and those who believe imparting their personal experience provides comfort though whom is the lucky recipient of that comfort isn’t always crystal clear.
No one talks about the dreams shattered and the bright future once taken for granted that can take a turn, winding down rocky roads, climbing up the steepest of hills, reaching an all time high only to suddenly and inexplicably take a twisting and fateful spiral, crashing to the ground, a cloud of dust the only evidence of the journey.
No one talks about the invincible mentality of those with front row seats to the most heart wrenching story ever told, that of a family member in the throes of a lifelong battle with mental illness. No one talks about the view from here, as we settle in yet again to follow a performance whose ending hasn’t yet been written.
No one talks about the fear that sneaks up seemingly out of nowhere, that the one in the audience can one day take center stage because the illness while not of a contagious nature inexplicably can lie dormant, waiting for it’s cue to enter stage left, taking its rightful place under the scorching lights waiting to burn its imprint into an unsuspecting psyche.
No one talks about the burden of guilt carried by those on the outside looking in, the thought “why not me?” like a broken record, stuck, waiting for someone to lift the needle that should have graced the air with high notes and yes, low notes too because those are to be expected. Yet, the harmony is silent, the only lyrics, “why not me?”
No one talks about the concern when your child shows any signs of stress or anxiety, an emotional outburst that a parent with no exposure to mental illness would disregard as normal behavior. Yet, “normal” at times seems to make a mother stop and catch her breath, wonder if someone left a door or window open, inviting the mental demons that have spent years silently hovering over a family, generation after generation. The question buried deep in her heart, choosing just that moment to surface for an instant before she tamps it down where it belongs. “How do the demons choose a home?”
No one talks about the slightest of hesitations only the person holding the pen is aware of, invisible to the naked eye, as a standard application is completed. The family medical history section stirring things within only felt by the applicant. Words string together, creating thoughts, generating guilt, forming questions…”Do I check the box that let’s them know mental illness runs in the family? Will they look at me differently if I do? Will judgment be made? Will my words and actions be misinterpreted or given greater weight? Will “normal” no longer be viewed as normal? Does everyone experience this slightest of pauses when looking at the empty box, begging for a check mark? What does it feel like to view that box as weightless as it looks, white space remaining as indifferent as the unchecked box for high blood pressure or diabetes?”
No one talks about it…but we should.
Leah Vidal is the author of Red Circle Days, contributor to My Other Ex: Women’s True Stories of Leaving and Losing Friends, and writer at Little Miss Wordy. Her writing explores BIG lessons from life’s little moments…those that plant the thought provoking seed of self discovery.
Leah is a 2014 BlogHer Voice Of The Year and Huffington Post contributor. Her writing has been syndicated on BlogHer, featured on the Erma Bombeck site, Freshly Pressed on WordPress and highlighted on Fitness and Parenting sites. She has been featured on PubSlush Women Of Wednesday and is currently working on her second book.
Leah paused her career in Public Relations to raise her two children and has never looked back, except on the days when it would be nice to have an office to escape to or at least a desk to hide under. Her family recently moved to PA, where she is a fitness focused (physical, spiritual and mental health), mom of two and wife of one, who spends her time avoiding the kitchen, and making words come to life.
This is so true. For the person with the mental illness, and their family. We are suffering horribly watching our daughter go through her illness and life, while those around her, out of fear of talking about it, treat her ‘normally’. It is a double edged sword, and a dangerous one at that. Thank you for this post.
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The person with the diagnosis as well as family and friends who love them are all part of the journey through doctor’s visits, hospitals, diagnoses and labels. The worse part is while we want the person with the illness to feel normal, not an outcast, so many of us tiptoe around them in fear. How many missed opportunities pass us by because we’re too afraid to speak up on this topic? As for the family, we live in fear as well, on many levels…for them, for us, for our children, for our children’s children. It’s never-ending. Thank you for taking the time to share you thoughts with me. I wish you, your daughter, and your loved ones the best on your own journey.
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Hi Leah. I know we’ve spoken before about the importance of mental illness awareness, not only from the point of view of the sufferer, but also the family and friends who surround them. You’re right, we should be talking about it, and posts like this promote a healthy and supportive dialogue. Thank you for sharing your words here. It matters hugely.
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Yes, Beth, I know you get it. It’s a tough conversation in every event, but maybe the more we talk the easier the words will come for us and others. Thank you and congratulations on your book? When/Where can I order a copy?
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Reblogged this on Little Miss Wordy and commented:
“No one talks about it. Not a sound is heard. Not as the dark limbs grow and stretch, their gnarly claws inching ever closer, until you are sure they will grip you in a viselike hold and never let you go. Still, while the fear seeps into layer after layer until it chills you to the bone, no one talks about it.”
I’m over at The SisterWives today discussing a topic no one talks about, but we should. Have a look!
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Thank you very much for this post. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Beautifully and powerfully written, too. No more stigma. No more silence.
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Thank you Kitt. Silence I can be a deadly weapon when it comes to this topic. Here’s hoping those of us brave enough to discuss and share our own experiences can encourage others.
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I agree, so much…and yet the demons can’t be quelled by words.
We need basic research.
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Wouldn’t it be nice to put them to bed with a little bedtime story? Oh, if it was only that simple.
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I wish…I wish…I wish… *sigh*
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Shame is so damaging. It sometimes can be the thing that prevents someone from getting help. It can be the thing that stands in the way of having the conversation, from treatment, from research. The more people speak out the more the shame is whittled away at, little by little. Thank you for helping to remove some of the stigma.
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“The more people speak out the more the shame is whittled away at, little by little.” This is why I wrote this piece and every other on this topic. It may just be a drop in the bucket, but it’s worth it. Thank you.
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This is really powerful, Leah. I know SO many who suffer at the hands of mental illness and/or have family who is treading rough waters in constant motion with the struggles of one who does. You gave a voice to something that needs to be heard.
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Thank you Christine. It’s those who we don’t know are suffering that need to hear these conversations even if they can’t yet participate.
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Mental illness should be treated as an illness. I so agree with you on this. If anything, one’s mental health is more important than physical health. Mental health deserves more funding. My mom worked in mental health as a nurse for many years. She had some crazy stories, but a lot of the time, patients ended up in her ward over and over again, because they couldn’t really get the long term treatment they needed. Great post.
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It’s tough because all too often patients begin to feel better based on the meds they’re on and decide they no longer need them. It’s a vicious cycle and one I believe can’t be remedied with meds alone as is so often the approach. Your mom is a saint in my book and I don’t even know her.
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….waiting for it’s cue to enter stage left, taking its rightful place under the scorching lights waiting to burn its imprint into an unsuspecting psyche…
Wow.
This is sadly & unfortunately true. Such a stigma attached to Mental Illness. Such judgment. Such ignorance.
Education is POWER.
Thank you for educating us, Leah. xx
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Sadly it is those that need the most education on this topic that refuse it. Thank you.
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*Sigh* That is all. . .
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That about sums it up doesn’t it?
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Yes, find a way to make life better, free from the crippling effects of Mental Illness and for me, losing the ability to talk and feeling so frustrated that you feel stupid and ashamed. Good blog topic.
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No one should ever feel ashamed to discuss their illness, frustration and especially their feelings. I know it’s not always easy but sometimes even forums like these with complete strangers are a blessing to find and can be full of support.
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This is so true, especially in India, where mental illness is never spoken of because of the stigma attached to these issues. In fact, people in India know very little about mental illness, and many cases go undiagnosed because people don’t know enough to consult a doctor. They’re just dismissive of the whole issue; many people think depression is a “rich people’s disease” and can be controlled by simply being happy!
When my husband had his first de-realization/de-personalization attack, he was twenty two. He was obviously really rattled. His mom was very supportive and understanding, but the two of them suffered a lot through this illness over the years. People thought he was doing drugs or drinking too much.
That was fourteen years ago. And a year ago, when I told my parents about his illness, they were confused and didn’t understand why I wanted to marry someone who was “mentally unstable” – I saw no compassion, only concern over him being a “liability”. That is surely how most people around me think – and I live in the country’s capital!
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It breaks my heart to hear your story because as far as we’ve come on this topic in the United States, I still complain that it isn’t enough. And yet, reading your story reminds me how lucky we are on some level. I’m so glad your husband found you to support him, champion him and comfort him. I pray for you, for him and your family on this journey. Thank you for sharing your story with me.
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This is excellent, Leah – the stigma associated with admitting to any kind of mental illness can be devastating. I work in a very conservative industry, and I have watched people who felt they could publicly acknowledge an illness they were being treated for suddenly become defined by that illness – they were no longer people. We need education and compassion. Thank you for a wonderful post.
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I’ve been in that environment as well and seen much of the same. It’s such a shame some people have such a hard time putting themselves in someone else’s shoes for a moment. I guarantee they would see things differently. I appreciate your comment.
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Indeed. My mother suffered from mental illness. Undiagnosed and untreated. I didn’t even realize it until a couple of years before she died. I never had the nerve to broach the subject with her. She wasn’t one to talk about or even identify her feelings. Of course, now I wish I would have. I didn’t have anything to lose, but she did. And she lost a lot. Mental illness is the last frontier in our “talk about everything” culture. We talk about it, but not in the right way. Thank you for shining such a beautiful and heartfelt light on it.
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It is amazing that our “talk about everything” culture as you put it can’t seem to make room for the topic of mental illness. It’s such a difficult topic to bring up even with those we love the most. I wish I had brought it up more with the friend I recently lost. I will always wonder if I could’ve made a difference. Thank you for taking the time to share your words with me.
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Very poignant and eye opening. I never thought of the emotional turmoil that little box could stir. You write beautifully and thank you so much for opening up on such an important topic.
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As someone who has a family member with mental illness that little box stirs a lot of emotion. I can’t imagine what it does to the person with the actual illness. As always, thank you for being so supportive, Katia.
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This is indeed eye-opening and I can only try to understand the emotional turmoil associated with that box that needs to be checked or left unchecked.
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Roshni, it gives me pause each and every time…for myself, my children, etc. Even those in the medical field immediately see you differently when that box is checked. 😦
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Ironically, the day after this post went live I received news that one of my best friends committed suicide. I am still dealing with the shock, heartbreak, and feelings of guilt that I couldn’t save her. I promise to come back and respond to all the comments I haven’t gotten to as soon as I find the words. Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. Please share this message with the world and talk about this topic with anyone who will listen and even those who won’t.
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There is so much more ground to cover…..my entire life has been shadowed by mental illness of those around me. I have had to slay my own dragons as well. It’s easy to say well if so and so had cancer you wouldn’t look down on them….this is a disease too. Well the mentally healthy cancer patient isn’t usually verbally/mentally abusive. A good chunk of my adult life has been finding that sweet spot of balance between compassion and self preservation. Miles to go before we’re through……
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Balance is the elusive key in all this isn’t it? Definitely so much ground to cover, so many miles to go…baby steps for now I guess. In the meantime, I’m glad there are dragonslayers like you and me. 😉
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Leah, I finally got over to read this, and wow.
I hate to hear this about your friend. I’ve lost two friends to suicide, so unfortunately, I know what you’re going through. We are here to support you if you need us. Thank you for sharing your story with the SisterWives, and reach to us if you need a hand to hold.
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Mandi, I still find myself catching my breath as the reality that she is gone hits me all over again. I’ve lost loved ones before but never to suicide so it always felt like something that was out of my control. Death by cancer or a heart attack isn’t something I could have prevented…Thank you for sharing with me. This comment was easy to share with you given you totally get it. Hugs!
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Please accept my deepest sympathy on the loss of your friend. I’m sorry you feel guilty about her loss. Sometimes those of us with a mental illness are very good at masking it. I can speak from experience.
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Thank you Nelson. Having been around a loved one with mental illness I am well aware how good he has gotten at “masking” and am always quick to see right through him which is why it is so frustrating that I didn’t see through her before it was too late. Your comment means the world to me. I appreciate it.
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Oh and Leah…..I am so sorry for your loss. Sad to say I have been there as well.
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Thank you.
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