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Ain’t Talkin’ Bout Love
And so it begins. That day…that wonderful, romantic day, where frightened Significant Others everywhere rush to the flower shops, candy stores, lingerie departments and/or “Adult Novelty” stores (hope springs eternal), with the intent to purchase the perfect Valentine’s offering for the partner they cherish (tolerate). Those partners, meanwhile, flock to the hair and nail salons, for the mani/pedis and the new ‘do’s and the full Brazilians (he didn’t look Brazilian) so that we can look beautiful and hairless in all the right places (armpits) while we wonder why in the fuck they bought us another rose/vibrator/thong. (Jeebus. Would it kill them to buy us an iTunes giftcard?) Then, we will all descend en masse upon romantic venues (Applebee’s) with ridiculous wait times to be served overpriced food (that’s not chicken) by jaded but homicidally cheerful wait staff(on parole) from kitchens full of people who are not-so-much enamored with this Valentine’s Day business (writers gotta eat).
Happy Valentine’s Day.
The day of LOVE, cynics say, that was created by greeting card companies in an effort to ruin our relationships, bankrupt us and guarantee that we will NOT get to bury the bone in the bush o’brillo. Or whatever. (Why do they never like the thongs?)
Well, they are wrong, those cynics. It’s much worse than that.
Origins of Valentine’s Day: A Pagan Festival in February. That’s right. Pagan. As with most things, it began with naked romans hitting people with goat flesh.
(Do I sound gleeful? It’s because I am. The first time I read about this, I actually did a happy little dance around my living room. Not a graceful dance, but a happy one.)
LUPERCALIA. Celebrated on the ides of February, or the 15th, for the non-naked-Roman readers, Lupercalia was a fertility festival dedicated to Romulus and Remus, the founders of Rome, and Faunus, the Roman God of Agriculture. Fecund-apalooza, if you will. It began at a sacred cave. At this cave, where it was believed the infants Romu and Remu were cared for by a she-wolf, or Lupa, an order of Roman priests knows as the Luperci, would sacrifice a goat for fertility, and a dog for purification. Please read this next part, an excerpt from The History Channel, aloud. Preferably in Morgan Freeman’s voice, if you can afford him:
They would then cut the goat’s hide into strips, dip them into the sacrificial blood and take to the streets, GENTLY SLAPPING BOTH WOMEN AND CROP FIELDS WITH THE GOAT HIDE. Far from being fearful, Roman women welcomed the touch of the hides because it was believed to make them more fertile in the coming year. Later in the day, according to legend, all the young women in the city would place their names in a big urn. The city’s bachelors would each choose a name and become paired for the year with his chosen woman. These matches often ended in marriage.
So, S&M Speed-dating.
Kinda puts a whole new spin on the holiday, don’t it?
Makes that piece of overcooked meat on your plate a little less romantic?
But don’t let it harsh your mellow on the whole holiday. The chocolate, the roses, the tacky underwear – all of those things may be part of a commercial plot to rob the holiday of its hot, throbbing roots. But we still pay homage to the fundamental je ne sais quoi of those pagan days of yore….
You still wind up standing naked by the sacred cave, hoping for sex. (we’re not wearing that ugly thong)
And somebody still gets hit with some meat. That last part may just be me…..
getting whacked with a goat hide. For all that is holy, I hope my husband doesn’t read this post.
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Mine read it, made the same face at me he always does…. 🙂
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Fertility? Someone find me a goat…
Fascinating. Thanks for this perspective, my SW. I thoroughly enjoyed the non-BS take on it all 🙂
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🙂 Thanks Lizzi! Always glad to provide a little non-BS….
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I’m with Michelle. I don’t care for the idea of being slapped with bloody meat. I’m not a fan of Valentine’s Day. I think it’s far too commercial and I think my husband is grateful for that. If he forgets it (because he’s busy making a living and all that horseshit) then he doesn’t get the silent treatment and I will probably still have sex with him.
However, now that I think about it, I have had my eye on a new couch…..
Much better than chocolate or a thong.
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I think I would prefer a couch to bloody meat as well….
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Wow! How did THAT tradition ever get lost?
I suppose “50 Shades of Goat Meat” just doesn’t have the same ring to it. Then again, I’m a guy, so what do I know about romance?
I think I’ll just stick to cooking dinner, sans the goat tenders.
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I think I’ll just stick to eating dinner, sans the goat tenders…:)
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I’d actually like to start a new Valentine’s tradition, where I get to slap my Ex husband with a live goat. Can you talk to your people about that?
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It was almost a done deal, but the goats are asking for a signing bonus….
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hahaha Ned…fifty shades of goat meat….funny.
THIS: “bury the bone in the bush o’brillo” *dies laughing*
My kids were asking the other day how Valentine’s Day started. I’ll just have them read this post.
not.
Goat meat? Really? Gawd our ancestors were some twisted, weird-ass folk.
Great post, Renee. xo
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Thank you dear! 🙂
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Wow. Fascinating and bizarre. I wouldn’t mind being slapped with some goat cheese, but that’s as far as I go for love.
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Gotta have boundaries…. 🙂
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As my husband kindly likes to remind me, “Everyday is Valentine’s Day when you’re married to me, baby!” So true! Not much celebrating in this household and I’m totally cool with that.
Besides, I live in Kansas. We hear far too much about goats and romance the way it is 😉
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ugh…I meant to say “every day.” Cleary, my internal editor is distracted by the awesome Greek history lesson!!
Great post, my friend!!
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Don’t tell anyone, but I might live in Kansas, too…..thanks for reading and commenting! 🙂
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NO WAAAAY!!!!!
Do have a pair of hot, red shoes, too?
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Nope, but I have a black hat and some monkeys….
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Oh yes!!!
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Those Romans were some crazy freaky bastards, weren’t they? Every man who reads this will be quoting you this weekend “I’m supposed to slap you with meat honey. It’s tradition.” And omg, “harsh your mellow”??? You’re a hippie chick after my own heart!
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I’m hoping for a revival….yeah not really….:)
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Great… now I have to find a goat… I guess that shouldn’t be too hard where I live. And, I’m sure the queen well be surprised. So, that’s a … bonus?
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Surprises are usually good….you will get points for spontaneity. You will also incur a “livestock in the house” penalty which will result in a net loss of most of the points you have accrued in the last decade. Go with chocolate. 🙂
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Chocolate? But how would that make the day special? We do chocolate every day. Some days more than once… in fact, yesterday we… hmm, maybe I shouldn’t share that.
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Perhaps a chocolate goat?
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Strips of goat meat– You know, things have gotten a trifle boring in the bedroom, maybe it’s time to try something new. Where does one get a sacrificial goat?
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No idea. But you could get one of those fainting goats, that way it could fake it’s own sacrifice and you wouldn’t have to feel guilty. And if that’s not spicing up the bedroom, I don’t know what is…
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*butts in* (ha ha) ‘Kayso I just saw this here comment and thought “Oh, NaptimeThoughts – Beth and Sandy have both recommended this one to me – must check ’em out” and an orange WP notification glowed up, and it was YOU, liking a post of mine and following my blog. FUH-REEKY (but also kinda awesome).
So…Happy Goat Smacking day. Off I go to check you out. Or your blog. Or something.
Baaaaah – so done with this weird-ass comment already! 😉
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Wait… are the rest of you not doing that goat hide drippy slappy thing anymore??? Nobody tell me nothin’…
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We thought you liked being retro…. :):)
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I do… but I don’t want to be the last person doing it…
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I ❤ you so much! Love this and "I did not know this!" I totes boycott V-day because vodka. I do pass a farm on my way home that has many goats. I'm intrigued. However, I have no cave 😦
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Vodka Day. Done. And how would you get the goat to the cave? Like most things, it looks better on paper…
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Totally put me off goat over here…
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Then my work here is done. 🙂
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Excellent post! Love it – in a non-commercial, non-Valentine’s way. 🙂
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Thanks! 🙂
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So that board book I read my kids about Saint Valentine the matchmaker is horse… er, goat shit? Sigh. I actually think the goat hide thing is hotter than the Hallmark one. Who doesn’t like kinky speed dating.? (Well, I don’t. But I like to read about it in private and I look forward to watching the movie…)
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Wait, was I supposed to confirm my sources? I bet there is more than one….I’m a big fan of multiple origins, so….
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Dude, I just fell in love with you. Will you be my valentine? This was hilarious and enlightening all at the same time, and if I don’t get hit with some meat, I’m gonna toe punch a cupid. Or someone. Well done, SH.
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Thanks, doll! Here’s to a Valentine’s day free of toe-punches and replete with meat-slapping. Wow….
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I had no idea about the origin of the holiday. I thought it had something to do with St. Valentine, an honest to goodness saint of the Roman Catholic Church. I think I’ve heard Christmas started as a pagan holiday, too, but the Church made it the birth of Jesus to discourage paganism. (If they’re going to celebrate, let’s make it something religious). I think he was actually born in the Spring. Anyway, this was a great read. I need love and romance every day, not just on a random day in February.
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Someone said they saw it on the History Channel, so I’d call that iron-clad journalism….:) Thanks for the read!
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I think I love the Pagans. Valentine’s Day just got more tolerable!
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🙂 pagans have the best parties!
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Not forgetting that there were either two or three men known as Valentine, all of whom died by some delightfully grizzly method, such as being burnt alive or impaled. 😀
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Indeed, I’m a big fan of impaling…:)
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It helps to pass the time, that’s for sure.
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