Tags
Men, Show Your Love This Valentine’s Day By Looking Foolish
Since the dawn of time, man has feared Valentine’s Day. I’m a journalist, so you can trust my facts on this. And because I’m a man, you can also trust me when I tell you our fear isn’t because we don’t want to express feelings of love and romance; it’s because we are afraid of looking stupid while doing so. This fear has been documented as far back as prehistoric times, in a pair of cave drawings paleontologists say depicts a caveman named “Glork” trying to court a cavewoman.
Image one: To demonstrate his masculinity and win a cavewoman’s affections, Glork fights a saber-toothed lion
Image two: Glork is eaten
Millions of years later, though the risk of being eaten by a large predator is relatively low (not counting cougar attacks), men still fear that their attempt to express love could lead to a fate worse than death: Embarrassment.
That’s because many men instinctively think of expressing love the same way they do everything else — as a competition. And as with any competition, there is a winner and a loser.
Lose a car race or bar fight? You can still look manly doing it. But lose your dignity by coming up with a really lame poem…
Without you,
I am but a wingless bee
Fat and buzzless
For all eternit-yy
… and most men would rather cover themselves in A1 Steak Sauce and jump into a lion’s cage at the zoo. As a result, men everywhere are panicking because we know that impressing the women in our lives isn’t easy. We realize that you are complicated creatures who need more than a physical connection when it comes to romance; you also need an emotional outlet.
Men, on the other hand, just need an outlet located near a television.
Metaphorically speaking, even if romance was a TV channel, and suddenly every station on the planet went out except for that one, it still wouldn’t help men be more romantic because, let’s face it: They would curl up in a fetal position and require regular changing.
It’s not that we don’t want to be romantic. We just have a hard time allowing ourselves to become THAT vulnerable again so soon after the Super Bowl.
Ironically — and what most men fail to realize — is that oftentimes a man’s willingness to look foolish for the sake of love IS the gesture women find most romantic. In fact, the more foolish your attempt, the greater the romantic impact. It took me a long time to figure out this love/foolishness equation which, mathematically speaking, makes me the most romantic man on the planet.
That being said, men shouldn’t confuse this kind of gesture with gestures such as howling like a wolf or wearing a “Free Mustache Rides” T-shirt, which will simply make you look like a fool — and likely elicit the appropriate gesture in response. (Or inappropriate, depending on your point of view.)
When it comes to Valentine’s Day, however, DO go ahead and write that terrible love haiku:
When I see your face
I really want to kiss it
And I like your butt
Or plan a Flash Mob for your secret crush at her work place, even though you can’t dance and having your fellow inmates suddenly start twerking in the prison yard could get someone shot. (Disclaimer: The same goes for twerking anywhere, actually.)
Or, if you’ve decided she’s The One, go ahead make that proposal by hiring a team of midget acrobats to suddenly show up and spell “Marry Me” while sunbathing on your favorite nude beach.
Men, the bottom line is that however you decide to express it, say “I Love You” this Valentine’s Day by facing your fear and showing your willingness to look foolish for love.
Let’s be honest, it’s not like acting foolish is something we don’t normally do anyway when there isn’t romance involved.
Ned Hickson is an award-winning humor columnist for Siuslaw News, a small Oregon newspaper where the motto is:
YOUR DEPENDABLE SOURCE FOR LOCAL NEWS. TWICE WEEKLY. UNLESS WE LOSE COUNT.
Ned has been awarded “Best Local Column” from both the Oregon Newspaper Publishers Association and the Society of Professional Journalists. In 2002, he took his self-syndicated column online to newspapers and, by 2003, received his first measure of national success: A threatening letter from the Velcro© Corporation for not using the “©” symbol when making fun of its product. That same year, he became a member of the National Society of Newspaper Columnists — mostly for his protection.
Currently, his weekly column appears in dozens of newspapers in the U.S. and Canada as a syndicated feature for News Media Corporation. He writes about daily life and important social issues, such as glow-in-the-dark mice and injuries caused by overheated pickles. His first book, Humor at the Speed of Life, is a collection of his most popular columns (as opposed to the kind he usually writes) during his 16 years as a newspaper columnist.
Ned lives on the Oregon coast with his wife, four children, two dogs, a cat and entirely too many seagulls.
Blog: http://nedhickson.com/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Ned-Hickson/389134527843210
Twitter: https://twitter.com/NedHickson
Pingback: Men, show your love this Valentine’s Day by looking foolish | Ned's Blog
HA! Frist!
I’ve been waiting for this Monday post since Ned read his buzzy bee poem to us last week.
Your wife is one lucky lady…what girl doesn’t want her butt to round out the end of a poem 😉
LikeLiked by 2 people
Round butt… I see what you did there! And thanks, Michelle 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
I used all of my clever on one sentence. I’ve been playing catch-up ever since!!
LikeLiked by 1 person
You had me at “bottom line.”
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks for showing up, even if its in arrears…
LikeLike
Her rears? Speak up, I’m hard of hearing.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I never said anything about her ears! And of COURSE I’ve heard of rearing! I’m not deef!
LikeLike
And the concept of romance was forever changed….
Well done, Ned.
Your wife’s one lucky lady.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thanks, Robert 😉 But it takes two to get lucky…
LikeLike
Brother, if looking foolish is a sign of love … every day is Valentine’s day to dudes like me.
LikeLiked by 5 people
You and me both, Eli. I like to think of it as being an “eternl romantic.”
LikeLiked by 1 person
On NPR today, they said men were the more romantic of the genders. We just don’t express it through lifetime movies. (But let us get a good haiku going.)
LikeLiked by 1 person
Just one more reason I love NPR!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Bravo, Ned! I, for one, wholeheartedly support looking foolish for love.
Or looking foolish for lust, that’s ok, too. 🙂
…and I think I speak for many female readers when I say “you had me at Lloyd Dobler.”
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks! I am the master of lusty foolishness. Or foolish lustiness. Or whatever…
LikeLike
Thank goodness, I don’t believe in Valentine’s day, I’d be afraid.
LikeLiked by 1 person
That reminds me of a bumper sticker I saw the other day that said: Bigfoot doesn’t believe in you, either.
LikeLike
Pingback: Our Favorite “Jurnalist” via The Sisterwives | The Write Stuff
If only my husband would don a trench coat and stand in our driveway blaring a boom box… he has no idea the affect that would have….
Ahem, anyways… I never actually realized that foolishness is what I wanted, but you are so right! I would rather have a man acting like a love sick fool than a dozen roses. Vulnerability is just about the sexiest thing a man can wear. We should put that on a t-shirt, men everywhere will be clamoring to wear it, right?
Bravo, indeed Ned! I love this! (Forwarding to my husband as we speak)
LikeLiked by 4 people
When a man is truly in love, no act to express that love seems foolish. That said, if you see a man standing in your driveway wearing a trench coat, make sure it’s your husband…
LikeLiked by 3 people
I am suddenly very disappointed in my proposal. This is wonderful Ned!! A great way to start a cliche pink and red week.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks, Mandi! There’s nothing cliche about love. Each case is unique. Just like the measles 😉
LikeLike
You heat me up honey,
So I bought you a microwave with my money,
Have Steamy Valentines Day!
I’ll have some more when I get my pay.
Ned, I’d like your professional opinion on my poem as the Valentines Day expert . Do you think she’ll like it?
Yours most nervously,
A Dedicated Follower.
LikeLiked by 1 person
If you read it to her dressed as a microwave oven with hearts for buttons, you might have a chance…
LikeLike
What Shameless Hussy said. Oh, Lloyd Dobler.
Of course, you have to look foolish for love! No one looks cool circling some man’s house all day waiting for him to drive somewhere so you can accidentally be there, as long as it’s 200 feet away.
LikeLiked by 3 people
Nothing says “I Love You” like a restraining order cut into the shape of a heart.
LikeLiked by 1 person
This post is perfection beginning with Lloyd Dobler! I’m lucky….my husband is willing to be a goof every day (sans twerking and midgets, but hey!) and not many days go by without him mentioning my butt. I’m a lucky girl!
LikeLiked by 2 people
Feeling comfortable enough to be total goof for each other is one of the best parts about being in love! That, and having a nice butt…
LikeLiked by 1 person
True story — I met my husband for the first time on a blind date. We went out to dinner, (at Applebees of all places, hey we were in our 20s and both broke) then he set the leftovers bag on the roof of the car so he could open the car door for me, then drove off with the bag still on the roof of the car. In that moment I knew he was The One.
LikeLike
I love it! When a man chooses you over the safety of his Applebee’s riblet leftovers, it’s for real, Darla. How could you NOT fall for that kind of love? I was just guessing on the riblets because that’s what my wife and I used to order when we were dating 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
This is for you, Ned:
Valentine’s Day should
Be moved to April the 1st
We will all be fools
LikeLiked by 2 people
*Bows to your haiku prowess*
LikeLike
I love what you wrote here – yes, Yes, YESSSS!!! This is so right. Last year my other half made me a Valentine’s card, and, well, let’s just say he’s no artist, and I loved that he didn’t care about that, or whether I would think he was foolish for making his own. It meant so much more than if he had bought an expensive glossy perfect card from Hallmark. But that was last year. This year I’m hoping for jewellery and a new car.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thanks, Vanessa-Jane 😉 Hey, maybe you’ll have the best of both worlds and he’ll MAKE you a car and trick it out with Bedazzling?!?
LikeLiked by 1 person
I guess, it’d better be good though…
LikeLiked by 1 person
It’s hard to make a Gremlin/Fiesta/Pinto any worse.
LikeLike
Looking foolish is kind of my thing.
LikeLiked by 1 person
By “thing” I am assuming you mean your, um… style, right? hope
LikeLike
Sometimes the truth is painful.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I am completely freaked out about Valentine’d Day. I’m not that creative in the gift-giving way and it’s compounded by the fact that My Bride doesn’t give a damn about material things. I wish the whole bloody holiday had never been invented. Am I going to resort to roses again? How lame is that?! The clock is ticking.
LikeLike
It’s not so much about the roses as how you GIVE the roses. Do it in front of her friends or some other “grand” gesture that makes her the center of attention and tells people, “I Love You and want everyone to know it!” Pull them out from under your trenchcoat and make all her friends jealous.
Just make sure you’re wear pants under that trenchcoat or you will spoil everything. Then again, it might make her friends even more jealous. I’ll let you be the judge.
LikeLiked by 2 people
i say why not? make the leap and look foolish, you really can’t go wrong. and if you do, it’s worth it anyway.
LikeLiked by 2 people
There should be no regret in acting foolish when your heart is involved, even if it doesn’t go the way you had hoped. The only regret is not allowing yourself to be inspired to foolishness.
I say this to myself every morning, by the way…
LikeLiked by 2 people
I agree
LikeLiked by 1 person
I go out of my way to appear foolish… that is how much I love everybody!!!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I love that about you, Art.
In a manly way…
LikeLike
And who is more manly than us???
LikeLiked by 1 person
*FIST BUMP*
(secretly rubs knuckles)
LikeLike
ooohhh… let’s do one of those things where we run at each other and slam our chests together… wait… how tall are you?
LikeLiked by 2 people
6-1, so as long as no one’s mouth is at crotch level I think we’re good!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I am 6-4… so we should be good… and impress the hell out of the ladies… oh yeah…
LikeLiked by 1 person
Perfect! I think we should go shirtless so everyone can hear it. Plus it will hide the sound of the wind getting knocked out of us.
LikeLike
I was hoping that the crowd cheering would drown out the gasps… but the shirt thing should just add to the international excitement this event will cause.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m going to interject by letting you both know that I have a thing for tall men.
6′ and over, and I’m a goner.
Carry on.
LikeLiked by 1 person
When I spike my hair it gives me another inch, so… yeah. 6-2.
Just sayin’…
LikeLike
My husband likes to draw his own nerdy Valentine’s cards for me. He was working on one of them on a slow day at work one year and his coworkers were absolutely horrified that he was planning to give me a handmade Valentine drawn on copy paper rather than buying me a “real” one at the store.
Coincidentally they were also all still single.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Definitely not a coincidence that those folks were still single. And secretly jealous.
LikeLiked by 1 person
OMG this is both hilarious AND adorable. XXXOOO
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks, Michelle! I usually only hear that about my lovemaking…
LikeLike
My husband showed me the movie Say Anything for the first time last night, and so of course I’ve been unable to stop thinking about Lloyd Dobler. I nearly had a heart attack when I saw the picture you attached – like! You are in my brain, sir!
Funny and true are one of my favourite combos, so thanks for starting my day off right here.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I should clarify: my husband isn’t SUPER romantic, but it’s movies like these that inspire him. I think he’s learning In Your Eyes on the guitar right now.
LikeLike
If he wants to be inspired to be romantic for you, I’d say that’s pretty romantic 😉 Cheers to you both this Valentine’s Day!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ohhh it’s definitely workin for me! I’ll post a video soon…*need to find a boom box* Your wife’s comments tell me a lot about you! Merry Valentine’s to you both as well!
LikeLiked by 1 person
My wife actually introduced me to Say Anything a few years ago. “This is you if you were in a movie,” she told me. I was very hurt until I realized she was talking about Lloyd and not Diane.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Fabulous, Ned! 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
My husband just buys me shoes. If we are having a rough year I get bejeweled flip flops and good year Louboutin’s 🙂
LikeLiked by 2 people
Nothing wrong with that. Last year, one of the things I bought my wife was a pair of Wonder Woman Converse tennis shoes she’d been eyeing; I got Marvel Vans shoes with Spider-Man on them…. Ain’t love grand? 😉
LikeLiked by 2 people
Finally, a man gets it! All we want is for you to make a complete ass of yourself for us. That’s how we know you REALLY care.
LikeLiked by 2 people
HOLY CRAP IT’S THE HOTTEST AND COOLEST BANANA-WIELDING BLOGGER IN THE ‘SPHERE!
Ned’s milkshake brings all the girls to the yard…
LikeLiked by 3 people
Wait, no one told me I had to make milkshakes…
LikeLiked by 1 person
Banana milkshakes. What-what?
Ned, DUH you have to make milkshakes. Whatever gave you the impression that you didn’t?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Then let me just say my wife knows, each day, that I care a LOT. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Love this! So funny. Feeling vulnerable after the super bowl? Ha. It’s always fun to get the man’s Valentine’s perspective especially with the humor!
LikeLike
Thanks, Lisa! And being from the Northwest, I can tell you my post-Super Bowl vulnerability runs deep 😉
LikeLike
You had me at John Cusak. *shrugs* JUST SAYIN.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Katie, I’m seriously considering using John Cusak in all of my blog titles from now on. Thanks for reading 😉
LikeLike
Far out! Great advice Ned…. now to find a way to nonchalantly get my hubby to read this! Hmmmm 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Easy, just keep snapping your laptop or iPad closed whenever he walks into the room 😉
LikeLike
I’d like to see you twerk. LMAO!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Trust me, no one wants to see that. The only way I would twerk is to embarrass my children by posting it on their Facebook pages.
LikeLike
Yeah! That’s something to keep in your back pocket 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Unless I’m twerking…
LikeLike
**When I see your face
I really want to kiss it
And I like your butt**
LOoooooooooooVE! !!!
Why don’t men know that this kind of stupid shit will get them directly into bed?!!!
Dumb asses!
LikeLiked by 1 person
With great power comes great responsibility. Especially after a couple of margaritas.
LikeLike
Love! This is very sweet, and oh so true! I am so lucky that my husband is a total goof and very romantic, but he’s not a blogger, so thank you for sharing this with your adoring public!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you 😉 And I have an adoring public?
I swear, no one tells me anything…
LikeLiked by 1 person
🙂
LikeLike
I don’t need Valentine’s Day to look foolish or, perhaps more accurately, if looking foolish is the thing to do on V-Day, then every day is a Valentine’s Day at our house.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Your house sounds like our house, Chuck. In which case we are both very lucky. Especially if we haven’t injured ourselves yet.
LikeLike
I love this. And for the record, SOME of us women love mustache rides. Did you ever see the movie “Mask?” Sam Elliott wore that shirt and that image is still in my female Spank Bank, I don’t know what the female version of that would be….Bean Dream? Lame.
My husband regularly makes an ass of himself, not just on VD day. Because you have to Let Love Rule. Great piece.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks, Joy!
And let me just say that I have a closely cropped beared that my wife won’t let me shave. So yeah, I get it 😉
By the way, I think the reason there is no female version of that T-shirt is because men prefer to read braille…
LikeLike
I’m not sure which is funnier, the post or your bio, Ned. Thanks for more laughs today!
LikeLiked by 1 person
You’re welcome, Sue! Thanks for joining me at The Sisterwives!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ned, thanks for the giggles! I am sitting at a gate at the airport laughing out loud. I am being stared at by many. Ha,ha,ha. Loved this piece. You are spot on. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
That’s right, you’re heading out for your 2 1/2-week journey! Glad I could help you start it off with a few laughs. And don’t worry about the concerned stares, you’ll get used to it.
I know I have…
LikeLiked by 1 person
Being willing to look like a total jackass for love gets to us, no doubt, but don’t dismiss the attraction of a really nice saber-tooth tiger pelt.
LikeLike
I’ve only tried the pelt thing once. My wife thought I was Fred Flintstone.
LikeLike
Without you,
I am but a wingless bee
Fat and buzzless
For all eternit-yy
Pure magic! Buzzless, OMG, still laughing!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks! Surprisingly, still no calls from Hallmark yet…
LikeLike
So…I’m thinkin’ that’s pretty good poetry! But what do I know? I write fiction. Hilarious post.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I write fictional poetry, so I’ll take that as a real compliment 😉
LikeLike
Amusing post. I giggled throughout – like a big girlie – but recognize that there is an underlying truth to what you describe.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks, Gary! For the other men who may read this, I probably should’ve been less subtle…
LikeLike
Came for the Cusack. Stayed for the post =)
LikeLiked by 1 person