November
13
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THE CLOCK
I am what you would call empathetic. I will read, discuss, or overhear something that will invariably cycle itself over and over inside my brain as I am trying to find sleep. Most nights my mind is a steady stream of notions that pace themselves with my husbands quiet snoring. So, it is no surprise, that I was able to empathize with the submission we received below from Matticus. For some people the night is a time for rest, rejuvenation, and a time for emotions to re-calibrate; but for others it is a time of anxiety and dread. Do you have trouble with insomnia?
After more than half a year of sleepless nights I found, for me, it was a major contributor to my depression. Learning to turn my empathy into compassion went a long way towards finding sleep again. In other words, I am learning to soothe people in pain rather than take on their pain. Finding the root cause for insomnia could save your life. Please help me welcome, for the second time, Matticus who has written about his insomnia.
~Hasty
The story that follows is something I could have written ten years ago when I was fighting insomnia. Luckily, I no longer suffer from it as often or as strongly as I did then. I’m sharing it now, to let others now they aren’t alone in their pain, in their questions, in their grief, and perhaps they can take some comfort in that…
The clock on the wall marks the passing of every second by pounding a spike through my head.
Tick.
Tick.
Tick.
Tick.
Tick.
Tick.
Tick.
Tick.
Tick.
Tick.
Each jab of pain is accompanied by a thought I’m too tired and too lost to let go. In the light of day I can push them aside, but at night I am at their mercy.
I miss my grandparents.
I need to sleep.
I wasted my college years.
I ruined friendships.
I need to sleep.
I am so lonely.
I need to grow up.
I’m haunted by my past.
I need to sleep.
I need to sleep!
And in those moments right before the sweet embrace of sleep is ready to engulf me in relief, I sabotage it by thinking I don’t deserve comfort. I don’t deserve sleep. I don’t deserve a reprieve from the jagged points of regret tearing through my mind.
Tick.
Tick.
Tick.
Tick.
Tick.
Tick.
Tick.
Tick.
Tick.
Tick.
The clock mocks me. Its tick-tocks are the “hah-hahs” it launches in my direction. It knows nothing of regret or grief. It knows nothing of what it means to question every aspect of a life in shambles while the darkness closes in.
The pillow over my head only serves to muffle the grating sound, and even then I know that my fascination with the seconds passing is merely the result of my mind trying to make sense of the chaos. It is better to focus on the clock than on any single thought. It is better to cry over the general weight of all my mistakes than to allow fear to take control. Claustrophobia, waiting in the shadows of the room, will drive me to true madness if I let it. The tears spilling down my cheeks keep me grounded in reality.
Questions flow in quickly to take the space left by the haunting thoughts. Their intangible nature, the infinite possibilities of world after world spinning into the future, causes more mental anguish than any of the truths of my past. Will I ever know peace again? Will I ever be comfortable in my skin again? Will I ever be happy again? Will I ever sleep again?
Tick.
Tick.
Tick.
Tick.
Tick.
Tick.
Tick.
Tick.
Tick.
Tick.
The clock ticks. The shadows shift. I close my eyes tighter. I open them wider. I toss. I turn.
Perhaps I drift into a dull sleep just before dawn and perhaps I don’t. Either way, one night ends and another short day begins. I have nothing to look forward to because I know as the sun sets there is another long night waiting for me. It waves from the opposite horizon. I nod my head in recognition.
It has become a familiar cycle. Insomnia knocked on my door one day looking for a place to stay, settled in, created a routine, and I was helpless to resist its charms. We are friends of an intimate nature. It knows my darkest secrets.
Tick.
Tick.
Tick.
Tick.
Tick.
Tick.
Tick.
Tick.
Tick.
Tick.
Each night hope rises within me that it will have moved on, that it will have found its own place, and will no longer need to share my bed. But, as I crawl beneath the covers and close my eyes I feel its presence beside me and I wonder if I would miss it if it weren’t there. Is insomnia better or worse than isolation?
One day I suspect I will know the answer to that question. One day I suspect the night will no longer be something I dread and look forward to in equal measures.
Until then the clock will keep its constant vigil.
Tick.
Tick.
Tick.
Tick.
Tick.
Tick.
Tick.
Tick.
Tick.
Tick.
Matticus is a writer of multiple genres, themes, topics, silliness, and general shenanigans normally found at The Matticus Kingdom, but also normally found at various other intersections of the web and reality. He and his family, the Queen and Little Prince, live in California. Aside from writing, he enjoys many other hobbies and pursuits, but thinks that referring to himself in the first person is ridiculously silly.
The SisterWives 
Insomnia is my reacurring lover… I can relate. At one point I had insomnia for six months strait. I fealt I was going insane! To overcome the insomnia I learned to put my mind at ease via meditation…. But unfortunatly insomnia has started to revisit me. And now i have to learn new strategies for falling asleep…
But with a restless two year old, that is not the easiest thing… but this too will pass 🙂 Awesome post.
And Hasty you should write about how to turn empathy into compassion and the differences as per your opinion. I would like to read something like that, since it is something I also struggle with. (Hugs) to you both.
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Yeah, those toddlers sure make sleep difficult. We are dealing with a bit of that here in the kingdom too.
I’m sorry that Insomnia has come calling again, and I hope you find some new effective strategies quickly.
I never tried meditation when I was in the worst bit of my own insomnia. Partially I was afraid of what I would find in the empty space of my mind when I cleared it, and partially I was determined (stubborn) to muddle through and come out the other end like a proper adult. (Whatever that means.) In the end, the worst of it passed when I made peace with the bulk of my demons and found happiness in being me again.
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I like that idea. I think I will…
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I’ve experienced this. I’m an early waker. No matter what time I go to bed, 3am, 4am, I’m awake, and cannot get back to sleep. Mind racing. Tired. Headachy. My best story ideas come to me at these times. Sometimes I even get out of bed and start writing.
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I’ve always been a morning person too. Currently, my alarm is going off at 4, so I can be to work by 5:30, but I’m usually up a couple minutes before my alarm. Some days I’m happy about that and some days I’m not. I’m in too much of a rush to have any ideas then, though. Most of my good writing ideas come during my 45 minute commute to work.
I had really started writing yet when I was really suffering from insomnia though. Which is sad… I wonder what ideas would have come out of my imagination then
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Insomnia is horrifying. I’ve been dealing with it for over 10 years now. I started taking ambien a little over a year ago and it was awesome. Until recently when I started having some pretty severe side effects…no more ambien for me…back to tick tick tick tick tick. And random songs. The night time selection in my internal jukebox usually sucks.
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Have you tried playing some music (softly) when you get into bed each night? For awhile in college I had some fairly ambient and downtempo electronica (sort of like progressive house, but a bit softer) playing that helped lull me to sleep even when my mind was wanting to race though the events of the day and everything it was going to have to deal with the next day? If your head is going to play songs anyway, might as well give it some good tunes to feed off of…?
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As a professional insomniac, I can honestly say that this is an incredibly accurate description of what goes through my mind most every night.
Amazing writing, as always.
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It was you talking about your current fight against insomnia (or recent fight) that helped me remember this period of my life and put those thoughts into words. Big bloggy love, my friend.
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Insomnia sucks. I hate it when I’m lying in bed while thoughts I can’t contain run amok in my mind. I have found, however, that melatonin is very helpful, and since I began using it I haven’t had the same troubles with sleep I had before.
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I’m glad the melatonin is working for you! I hope that you continue to be able to find some restful sleep. It’s no good when all those thoughts are running amok… we need some thought herders to get them back in their pens. Thoughtboys? Wordslingers and thoughtboys…could be a band name, could be the name of my next story, could be something that only makes sense to someone who is sleep deprived…
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Ohhhhhhh….I like Wordslingers.
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Full credit to Stephen King for “wordslingers.” You really must read the Dark Tower series if you haven’t.
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Dude…I tried. I got halfway through the first book and just didn’t care about it.
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I’ll admit the first book can be a struggle – he was 18 (I think) when he wrote most of it. But, you must get through it, and the second one, so you can read the 3, 4, and 5th books in the series. Those three books… they are magic.
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Sooooo…can’t I just start with the 3rd one?
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Um…. No. I mean, I guess you could, but it will make less sense without the buildup work done in the first two books. They aren’t that long! Power through! Just think… you’ll have the gem of “wordslingers” to look forward too, along with many other linguistic marvels.
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But…but…
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yeah… that was nice… but is it just me, or does one of your two loyal token male sister/husband/wife/brothers and unofficial jesters seem to be getting a little more attention than the other one… I mean, if you really are ’empathic’ it seems to me like that would have been obvious… you know… that one of us was being left out and was feeling all cold and lonely and shivery and in need of hugs… and stuff…
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Art. I’ve got a whole bunch of hugs for you. Come on up the coast and visit beautiful Ventura County and I’ll give you as many as you need. Hey, since all babies and animals love you, I’m sure the Little Prince will have some hugs for you too… and we both know there is nothing better than a messy-snotty-drooly toddler hug. Nothing.
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Okay… that sounds like a deal… toddler hugs are way better than hugs from a bunch of girls anyway… HA!
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Ummmm…. well, I don’t know about that… I’d say that depends entirely on the stickiness of the toddlers and the… um… stickiness…? of the girls.
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I knew I could count on you to take a bad joke that might have been taken the wrong way by a few people and run with it so it ended up as a bad joke that would almost certainly be taken the wrong way by most people, thereby taking all the pressure off me… I love you man…
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Happy to play my part. 😀
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oh yeah
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nothing but total love for you ART 🙂
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…ooo000ooo…
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Oh yes, the familiar tick of night. My thoughts runaway like a train gone off the rails. My brain betrays me at night. When i finally do fall asleep i have relived my life twice over. What a wonderful piece, Matticus. I’m so glad you’ve overcome the bastard.
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Overcome? I’m not sure that’s possible… just placated for the time, right? Insomnia, the threat of, is always lurking at the edge of my nights, waiting to pounce should it sense weakness again.
I hope you find some way to get your thoughts running on time again, under control, so you don’t have to ride them as they runaway each night, so you too can find some respite.
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Placated, yes. It doesn’t happen every night but more frequently than it should making me feel abnormal. I had insomnia–full out as a child. Odd, I know. Thanks Matticus.
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I’m not sure of the science, but I bet insomnia as a child isn’t all that unusual… we have so much change and stress in our lives when we are younger – it is a lot to process and our brains are probably too stimulated to allow us to easily relax and get good sleep.
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Ahhhhh… I just posted a post that needs to be put up on the sisterwives blog… yes, I know… that sounds unbelievably shameless of me… and how dare I presume such a thing, as if the honor of having one’s words appear here were just up for grabs to any and all boisterous showoff blowhard(s)… but it was a really good post about respecting women and the extinction of male chauvinist pigs and it was funny without being graphic… although I did use the word s….e……x in it somewhere I think…. I can’t really remember because you know how it is with me, the crack squirrels start me typing and then scream ideas at me while I do it and I just keep up the best I can… so anyway, if one of the lovely sisterhood would pop over there and maybe see if it is worthy of any attention at all, I will bow to your tender mercies… uh… so to speak…
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Oh… it is called… uh… something about listening to and respecting women… and being bad in bed… or something like that… I like using long titles because now that WordPress only shows a small part of each post on the topic walls, I found that you can get around it by doing titles the size of a freaking novel, because for some reason they let you… I do like my loopholes…
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I don’t GO to bed. I’m not sure that counts. I have chronic stayingupitis. But that’s on account of FOMO.
That said I do then lay there and count down the minutes I’ve got left til I have to get up again, and get VERY cross at myself for still being awake. It’s really not the same though.
I tend to imagine hugs, if I can’t sleep.
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Imaginary hugs aren’t really imagined at all… they are the real hugs the rest of us our always sending you when we sense you need one, or two, or twenty-five.
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Ahhhhhh now that’s an idea I kind of love 🙂 You have a gorgeous brain, yaknow that?
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Yay that you are able to make somewhat of a peace with insomnia. Have you read Vigil, by Dennis O’Driscoll? It is beautifully written.
I was 9 years old when insomnia took hold. My “best friend” assaulted me. I turned it into an asset, being the babysitter who never fell asleep. The one time I did, I apologized profusely for putting the kids at risk. As a guard, I freaked my supervisor out on my second day of work. He expected to find me sleeping and was ready to fire me, but I was patrolling. Later, I was a reg in a chat room and talked with people around the world. Finally, I sedated myself with alcohol, and now Ativan…with or without alcohol. I no longer have peace with insomnia. I’m done.
May you continue to sleep well.
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Going with the argument that sleep is overrated? I agree to some extent… I aim for between 5 and 6 hours a night, and if I can get that, I consider it a good night. As long as I’m getting more than 4 I’m functional. If I spent more than 7 in bed it seems like a waste of time, and I end up being sore when I do get up. It’s amazing what we can get used to.
I’m sorry that you have also struggled with insomnia, and I’m glad you were able to turn it into an asset over the years…
You know how to reach me if you ever want to chat. I may not be able to replace ativan or alcohol… but, maybe we can raise a glass together if nothing else.
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Thank you.
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Reblogged this on The Matticus Kingdom and commented:
I visited The SisterWives again today to share … well, I’m not really sure how to describe it. It was inspired by memories of when I struggled with Insomnia a few years ago. Step on over, give it a read, and share your thoughts.
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Whoa! It’s like I wrote this post myself. Every single word rings true!
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I’m sorry to hear that, and I hope you find some restorative sleep soon. In the meantime, pretty much every commenter on this post can be found online at all sorts of random hours and you can reach out to them if you are in a particularly nasty fight against it and want to talk to somebody.
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Pingback: INSOMNIA | The Matticus Kingdom
Ahhh…insomnia. The writer’s twin. I know why Stephen King wrote a whole scary book about it. It sucks. For me, my thoughts get darker and darker as the time goes by. Right about the time I’m imagining losing all my fingers in the garbage disposal, I fall asleep. So, there’s the good news.
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It feels just like this. You described it so well.
Thought I did not experience Insomnia for too long, I had the same kind of ideas in mind when trying to fight it. When night came, I was quite afraid to go to bed, cause I was afraid to face my thoughts and the emptiness.
Thanks for sharing Matticus. I believe that our experiences, all our experiences can help others, A LOT.
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