November
06
Tags
Parenting-An Unexpected Trigger
On Tuesday, Dawn courageously shared a part of her story with us. You may have noticed that she touched briefly on a project she and a fellow survivor, mother, and blogger are starting to support others who no longer want to feel alone, who want to find a community where there are others who understand completely what they are living with day in and day out.
This is exactly the kind of project the Sisterwives get behind wholeheartedly. Not one of us needs to feel alone, no matter the trauma we have endured. If you are a survivor or know someone who is, please read Dawn’s second post here today and consider contributing to this incredible anthology project or sharing the opportunity.
Together we are stronger. ~ The Sisterwives
People may ask, why open up old wounds by talking about abuse that happened to you in childhood? I’d say childhood abuse is a kill-shot, not a wound. It penetrates your soul, preventing your life from ever following the path it once did. So why wouldn’t we “open up the wound”, permitting ourselves to process and learn from the damage done. How else can one do that except to discuss, evaluate and re-evaluate the effects of the abuse, as they play out in to adulthood.
Telling the truth is what makes people aware. True awareness is comprehending that only 1-10% of child molestation cases are ever reported to the police and two-thirds to ninety percent of sexual abuse victims never tell anyone. This is a population of men and women who never received justice for what was done to them, and are left walking around with a secret festering in side of them. It’s a poison that you are foolish not to believe seeps in to how we feel, how we think, how we act and how we parent.
The fear of someone I trust abusing my children, breastfeeding, bathing, diapering, experiencing genuine love, tender moments at bedtime, disciplining – these are all new triggers I came up against as a new mom. The sadness and fury I felt when I searched and searched for books, articles, posts, anything that would help me feel less alone, didn’t settle well with me. I had to get what I was feeling out of me.
I started to put my own fears, thoughts and reactions to all this on paper – unfiltered. The result was a heavily carved article about what it is like to raise a daughter as a survivor. The relief I felt and the response I received was a game changer for me. It re-fueled the drive I once had to work on my own recovery and support others in theirs.
Joyelle Brandt, a fellow momma survivor, and I began working on building a community for parenting survivors. A connection that so many survivors are looking for, to defy the loneliness and shame. For the sake of ourselves, the generation we are raising and other survivors, we feel like we have to talk about what helps us move through the struggles we face.
Despite the joy I feel in creating new connections with people through my writing, I’m disheartened by a pattern I am starting to notice. Posts in which I share about being a survivor and advocate for others, receive unprecedented hits for my blog. However, engagement and even likes are far and few in between. What does that say about the fear this topic evokes in survivors. I believe it says two things – survivors learning that they are not alone in what they experience is something that is craved, yet associating oneself with even a “like”, linking him or herself to the stigma of being damaged by abuse, is a very difficult thing to do.
I am a college educated, resilient woman. I have an easy going personality and I’m funny as hell, sometimes. I don’t know what people picture when they think of someone that would dare admit that she was molested as a child, but I don’t think it is me. Nor do I believe it is the face of the several female and male friends of mine, that are also survivors living “normal” lives. I have no desire to sit and cry about what happened to me as a child; however, that doesn’t mean I don’t feel entitled to talk about what was done to me, and the effects that linger and intervene in my life because of it.
I am not an incapable parent because I admit that caring for my children, in the most basic of ways, can trigger me. I’m just a survivor that is sick to death of watching childhood abuse manifest as physical and mental symptoms both in myself and those around me. I just want to give my kids a better life than I had. The only way I know how to do that is by telling the truth about what exactly fuels abusive cycles, from the survivor’s point of view.
If you are a parenting survivor, or want to learn more about what it is like for someone you care about that is, join our Facebook community. I hope you will consider contributing to our upcoming anthology, Trigger Points: An Abuse Survivors Experience of Parenting, as well. Everything you need to know about submitting a piece is on the Facebook page. I’m so incredibly passionate about this project. The next time a mother or father goes searching for support in stories that confirm he or she is not alone, I want them to find our stories, empowering them to tell their own.
__________________________________________________
Dawn is a thirty-something wife and Momma to two. She blogs at W.T.F. words thoughts feelings, where some of her writing reflects being a survivor of too many ugly events in her life, but a desire to incorporate them into something that makes the pain and dysfunction worth something. She is co-editor of the upcoming anthology Trigger Points: Abuse Survivors Experiences of Parenting. Dawn can be found on Facebook and Twitter.
The SisterWives 
Pingback: Giving Shame the Middle Finger, One Post at a Time. | W.T.F.
Congratulations, Dawn on reaching so many survivors. The truth is hard to open up about but know that the silent visitors are benefiting from your hard work, too! I will like your fb page. I love the song and what a perfect choice for your topic!
LikeLiked by 1 person
That song has become somewhat of a theme song for Joyelle and I. I listen to it every damn day. I used to be a silent listener, so I know they are out there. And not all are at a place where they are ready to crack their door open to all of this yet. I just hope this helps them know they aren’t alone, and they can join our community of survivors as quietly as they need to.
Thank you, Lisa, for giving the page a like and helping us spread the word. It truly means everything right now.
LikeLiked by 1 person
That analogy you used (kill shot) is brilliant. There is such immense power behind your words, and your story. I know this movement is going to snowball into something HUGE and help so many others. I realize I’m being repetitive when I tell you what an inspiration you are, but I don’t care! 🙂
LikeLiked by 4 people
This “movement” is moving ME! You ladies have built such an empowering platform here and I am so grateful to be reaping the benefits of that. I’ve had so many life changing conversations this week, both in my personal life and online, because of what I have been able to share over here. You SisterWives are fan-fucking-tastic and inspire me to do more.
LikeLiked by 1 person
It took a very long time for me to be able to even think about the abuse I suffered as a child without feeling shame. It’s only been in the last few years that I can openly talk about it without those feelings. I think the fact that your posts don’t always evoke a lot of engagement speaks to the negative power of secret keeping, which abuse survivors know well. It’s ingrained in us. Especially since so often our abusers were part of our family and it’s hard to tell our stories without telling someone else’s. What I know from blogging is that there are “lurkers” who are reading and are deeply affected by your courage and transparency. They may never hit “like” or leave a comment but they read our stories, see our faces and it gives them hope. It’s a beginning.
LikeLiked by 3 people
The idea of secret keeping being ingrained in us is such a truth. On so many levels. Whether it be to keep our selves safe or to protect the comfort level of others, we do it because we feel like we have to. The quote I used at the beginning of my “coming out” story said something along the lines of ” You own your story. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.”…something like that. I always come back to that when parts of my story involve someone else. I truly feel like I owe no one involved an apology, I’m only telling my truth. This is the beginning, Karen, of something bigger than myself. And that is exactly where I want to be right now. Thank you for your part in this!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I grew up in a rocky childhood with lots of shame and whatnot, so I can relate to the feeling of pure panic when parenting comes onto the stage.
In fact, I’m 28 and childless still for a reason. The idea of having children’s is the only thing that has ever trigger anxiety in me. I just cannot handle the idea of unknowingly doing to my kids what was done to me, or somehow not measuring up, and leaving them in their early twenties and totally lost because I didn’t give them what they needed, as was in my case.
When people would talk to me about wanting to have kids, I’d always say, “I don’t think I will.” When we got married, my husband didn’t have too much to say about it, and basically we just said, “Let’s wait a long time and see how we feel.” He was interested in having kids, but it didn’t seem like the end of the world to him if we didn’t. That relaxed viewpoint took the pressure off of me, which was exactly what I needed.
At any rate, the older I get, the more I come to terms with and identify my triggers, the more I can work through them logically, and separate the panic. I think this is going to be the most important thing for preparing me to be a parent so that when I actually do have a child, I can learn to dissociate the panic and anxiety, step back, and figure out what happened and why, before I flip out and fall into tears.
LikeLiked by 2 people
As far as parenting goes, you’ve won half the battle already Katie. You have a sense of self awareness and are willing to take that in to consideration before you become a mother. That is huge. I was 28 when I became a mom too because it was only then that I recognized and believed that I had the potential to be a “good” mom. I’m still terrified at least once a day that I’ve screwed my kids up beyond belief but I think that’s every mom, not just us. I WISH I had a mental tool box like I do today when I first became a mom. It would have saved me from a lot of those flip out/fall in to tears moments you talked about. So thank you for being courageous enough to acknowledge this part of recovery and determined enough to break the cycle.
LikeLike
I wasn’t abused as a child, but I was married to a woman who was and I can tell you that if you don’t confront and deal with that it never goes away. At least, it didn’t in her case. I can’t tell you how many times she asked me to promise never to hurt her daughter.
You have my full support, and if there’s anything I can do to assist, by all means let me know.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Spread the word, Scott. I am determined to have fathers points of view as a part of this anthology, but so far that has been incredibly difficult. It’s a group of survivors that I am not sure how to walk up to, so to speak. Joyelle and I need men to be a part of this if only to help encourage and support father survivors to get involved, anyway they can. So there…get your ass to work.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Lol. I don’t know any, sadly. At least, none that I know of.
LikeLike
Well didn’t you once tell me you are part of a father’s blogging group??? That’s kind of where my thinking is. A share to a population like that. Because the statistics tell us 1 in 6 men are abused. The odds of our project connecting with a survivor are on our side 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
Nope, I’m not a part of any father’s groups. I might have said I was looking for one, but I really haven’t found one yet.
LikeLike
Hmmmm…what other dude bloggers do I know that I stalk regularly?? I guess you just stand out in my mind Scott 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ha! I hope that’s a good thing.
LikeLiked by 1 person
You are amazing. You are doing such good here. The world owes you their gratitude. Peace.
LikeLike
I owe people like you so much gratitude, Michelle. Without you validating what I am trying to do, I wouldn’t be doing it. So thank YOU.
LikeLike
HUGE kudos for this project, Dawn – I think it’s going to be a very healing thing, for many, many people. Well done you (and Joyelle) for spearheading it. I’m so glad that we (as Sisterwives) have been able to support you and spread the message.
Can I just check (because I’m not entirely clear) is it only parents who were victims of sexual abuse you’re looking for? Or is it parents who might have been emotionally or physically abused as children, either?
LikeLike
We are looking for parent survivors of abuse – physical, sexual, or emotional. Thank you so much for asking that. I want to be clear about the over-all story we are trying to tell. We need survivors (mothers, fathers, substitute caregivers) who have experienced either three forms of abuse to share their stories, teach us their triggers and convey how they manage parenting and recovery.
This week has been huge for our project and me. It’s given me so much validation that this cause is something that needs to happen, and that there is hope in creating it. The exposure you have lent me has opened many new doors and helped me reach people that never would have heard of little ol’ me otherwise. I’ll be forever gracious to you ladies for that.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Super – thanks for the clarification 😀
I have every confidence in you, Dawn. This means SO MUCH to you (and to the people who will buy it). It has that ‘bigger than’ feeling about it. I applaud you 🙂
LikeLike
Once again I feel uplifted… I feel the strength of this brave and formidable band of people, gathered together to pass on words of compassion and fortitude… thank you for letting me be even a small part of all this.
LikeLiked by 2 people
It’s so awesome to hear you say you feel “uplifted”, when the discussion going on is often stereotyped as bringing people down. Thank you so much for reading and taking part in all this.
LikeLiked by 1 person
It would be easy for me to get depressed by what goes on here… I have real empathy… I feel the pain of others. But I have set my goal here, as the semi-official court jester and token brother/sister-husband/wife… to just keep doing what I can to bring comedy and laughter here… even though it isn’t always easy…
LikeLiked by 1 person
No it isn’t. But if we don’t keep somewhat relaxed and find a way to laugh with each other, that empathetic gene we all seem to have around here will make us (even more) nuts. I have a favorite quote by Ani DiFranco that goes: “I fight with love and I laugh with rage. You got to live light enough to see the humor and long enough to see some change.” Words I live by.
LikeLike
awesome… thank you
LikeLiked by 1 person
I am so happy to learn about your writing and your project. It’s so necessary and sadly, because there’s shame (more on those abused as children than those who abused us it can seem) – people are still reluctant to identify. However, I’m so glad that is changing and I applaud your bravery.
” I am not an incapable parent because I admit that caring for my children, in the most basic of ways, can trigger me. I’m just a survivor that is sick to death of watching childhood abuse manifest as physical and mental symptoms both in myself and those around me. I just want to give my kids a better life than I had. The only way I know how to do that is by telling the truth about what exactly fuels abusive cycles, from the survivor’s point of view”
I can’t wait to read this book and contribute my own words.
Reading your words REMINDS me how affirming and healing and necessary it still is to keep breaking silence, being honest and talking about break-the-cycle parenting. Cissy
LikeLike
“Break-the-cycle” parenting… that has such a nice ring to it, Cissy. I am so glad we connected with you and that you are now a warrior among us!
LikeLike
Please don’t feel bad when you get lots of hits on your blog in response to your posts on being a survivor, yet few “likes” and “shares”. It’s possible that many of your readers are people like me. I have no personal experience of abuse, but reading stories like yours has made me aware of things – signs in others – that I missed before. I read posts like yours because I want to understand, and experience your reality as a survivor – even though what I read saddens and often appalls me. I HOPE I’m not just rubbernecking … I don’t think I am, although – as someone who has never been victimized in this way – I do sometimes feel a little bit of a voyeur when I read such posts. It’s so deeply personal; part of me feels I should look away, because what right do I have to see this when it hasn’t touched me personally? And yet, knowing that many of my friends MUST have been affected by this horrible thing, how can I dare look away and imagine myself untouched? My point is, even if I don’t “share” or “like”, I do hear. I am listening.
LikeLike
We need rubberneckers! This cultural shift of empathy and awareness cannot happen without you. We survivors, although we crave to hear other people say it, already know what it’s like. We need people to decide for themselves that posts like this are worth reading, even if it doesn’t pertain directly to them. It addresses their friends, sisters, brothers, cousins, etc – even if you don’t know it. Like you said, because you have chosen to read posts like this before, and not just keep scrolling, you now notice signs in others you never saw before. That is progress. We need these posts to show up on everyone’s feed, not just survivors. It can make the difference of particular relationships having a fighting chance to survive. So thank you. Thank you for looking at what is so difficult to see. ~Dawn
LikeLiked by 1 person
Pingback: Friday Recap–Play it again, Sam! | MamaMick
I am a survivor. Naturally I could never do to my son what was done to me. The idea repulses me. He will grow up to be a happy well rounded individual.
LikeLike
Thanks for reading and responding, Chris. I don’t think the fear parenting survivors feel is always based on doing to our children what was done to us, for most anyway. I think the fear resides in not stopping someone else from doing it. That is why some survivors are “over-protective”. Others, like myself, are more fearful of how I portray myself to my children. The lingering effects of my childhood abuse manifest as depression, mood instability, etc, etc. The reason I write about my experiences and my recovery is to help me process those symptoms for what they are, so ultimately I can raise happy, well rounded individuals.
LikeLike
Pingback: Word of the Day: Virus ~ Mother of Imperfection
So glad to discover you. I hopped over here from Mamamick’s place. So glad to see what you’re up to, spreading the word and getting conversation going. The secrecy and shame around abuse and molestation is rampant and is so horrifyingly pervasive. This persona of mine is my safe place where I can share all in all sorts of detail. Because I still have to deal with my abuser (a brother) regarding family matters, and we’re coming down the home stretch of setting both our parents’ estates, now is not the time to toss the hand grenade of completely and openly sharing to the entire world. I will do so, however, probably within the next six months. Most of our family has no clue that he molested me and that we have a daughter because of it (she was given up for adoption). But I shared this with our other brother, this past summer. He was shocked, but it was a very good thing.
Because I was so very angry for so many years, in my mid 30’s I decided to see a counselor about all of this. She helped me get some perspective. But what has really shifted old crappy emotions has been energy work. Energy work, or energy therapy, is made up of lots of different modalities. Their goal is to allow our emotions that we stuffed down and repressed, to finally move out of us. To those who are new to this it might sound weird, but I have changed a ton and am still working on things.
What I like to share the most via blogging, (especially these days) is how I have been able to make shifts, to feel better, to ferret out and get rid of triggers that set me off and take me back to old days. In fact, I’m trying a new thing today and having a Shamanic soul retrieval ceremony done, to bring back parts of me that were split off when I was little and experienced trauma. To date, my most profound healing (changes) has been using hypnotherapy with a very skilled woman who has training in hypnosis, traditional therapy, and spirituality.
LikeLike
Dawn, you are amazing, brave, and strong. Thank you for sharing this project here. It is brave and powerful. I know your words reach so many. Both of my parents survived horrible acts of abuse. Luckily for me, they broke the cycle before I was born. I am in awe of you and am so glad that I was introduced to you through my sisterwives.
LikeLike
Thumbs up Dawn. People need to know there are not alone.
My mum lived tnrough years of abuse. It almost killed her. She is still trying to overcome Depression, to find a sense to her life. She broke the crazy circle of violence.
You are making such a beautiful difference. Keep it up, we are all walking by your side.
LikeLike
Dawn– I’ve sent you word on Twitter. I want to support your endeavor in any way that I can, because my wife (Cimmorene/@wavemistress) & I are indeed parenting survivors.
It’s not been an easy road, and overcoming the shame isn’t easy when my proverbial warts and ugliness have been too apparent and revealing lately. But I’m going to stick it out and would be honored if you’d have my help.
LikeLike
Pingback: Raised in hell, but still parenting well | The SisterWives
Pingback: Working To Fill A Void. | W.T.F.
This is the first post I’ve ever seen on this topic. Considering the number affected there must be untold numbers who need this outlet. Thanks.
LikeLike
Reblogged this on Nutsrok and commented:
Reblog from sisterwives
LikeLike
I survived some pretty bad abuse and becoming a parent was the hardest thing I ever did. My girls are grown now and we are very close, so it is definitely possible to make it better for the next generation. This is an important topic to share about. I have started blogging about my childhood experience with my mom, who unfortunately had a severe mental illness that was untreated and affected her ability to care for me properly. The only way to change things is to talk about them and stop keeping the secrets, so I applaud all those women who are willing to tell their stories. Bravo.
LikeLike
I have worked with children of abuse, horrible abuse, over the years. I can still see all their little faces in my mind’s eye. I wonder what has become of them, have they managed to push past all that horror in their childhood and how they ultimately dealt with it in their adulthood. I don’t mean to be just a viewer, but it is hard to know what is right to say in the comments, without sounding trite – so that is why I don’t always comment or “Like” – but I will from now on.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you for this powerful venue Dawn! In my hypnotherapy/healing practice, about half of my clients are men, and about half of them are survivors of abuse who have never admitted that or tried to deal with it actively. And probably two thirds of the women who come for help are abuse survivors. I will share your blog…
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yes, it is awful what people has to go through, I know someone who was abused and I’ll tell you, if you don’t try to get help and talk about it, it could ruin your life.
LikeLike