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The Hardest Breakup
It was one sentence. One sentence in an email that was the iceberg to our Titanic. Following that, it was one defensive, disastrous email after another, a few uncomfortable phone calls, and a single mailed letter. Then just like that – after four years of Hard Core Best Friends – it was just over.
Over.
I replayed those last few weeks again and again in my head for probably a year. The hurt. The accusations. The betrayal. Four years of friendship disassembling into a sea of wreckage in what felt like moments, so fresh I could still taste it. Even now, nearly two decades later, I’m still confused by it all. Not so much hurt anymore, but I’d be lying if I said I don’t still think about her from time to time.
It’s no coincidence I’m bringing this subject up again – the inherent complexities in women’s friendships- after Monday’s post. Clearly, I’m an expert by default, which is why this breakup stung particularly bad; it was my first Best Friend since grade school. The first woman I’d let into my world, my heart, after years of basically writing off the female gender as a whole.
I moved on from boyfriends in days, weeks at the worst, the pain never lingered long. But this? The end of me and her, and her and me, and all our secrets, and laughs, and shared experiences? My first close female friendship…ever?
This. Was. Brutal.
I read a book the other day that struck so many chords, I sounded like a harp.
My Other Ex: Women’s True stories of Leaving and Losing Friends.
35 women came forward with their own breakup stories (and quite a few reconciliations), gently woven together by the editors of the HerStories Project into a gorgeous, heartfelt anthology.
I couldn’t put it down.
Each essay is heartfelt and brutiful. Some had me nodding my head; some made me chuckle; some shocked me; some made my eyes fill with tears. And yes, the ugly cry happened more than once. But most of all, I came away realizing I wasn’t nuts for the overwhelming and intense feelings I experienced when that friendship ended all those years ago.
The bond between women is often deeper than any other relationship in our lives. It’s small enough to seep into our marrow and interweave with our every fiber, yet immense enough to fill a stadium. It’s the deepest trust. The truest true.
To get your copy from Amazon go here
This is so very raw for me. And it doesn’t always have to be same gender friendships. Replace HE was my best friend in scenario above and it is exactly the same down to the number of years. It has been nearly 2 years since our falling out and I see him thriving successfully which is all I ever wanted for him but it hurts that I can’t be there to say Kudos. I will definitely check out this book.
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You’re right, it can be a “he”! I focused on the “she” because of the book’s subject, but there’s no doubt a female-male bond can be just as abyssal. I’m so sorry you went through this and don’t really have closure. I think that’s most people’s story, unfortunately. Closure is a luxury with these things.
Thanks for reading, SW. 🙂
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I’m with Hasty on this one. Sometimes, it can be a man who is your trusted and beloved friend. And when it crumbles, it’s the most painful thing ever.
I hate when friendships fall apart. I treasure my friends. I think, sometimes, I just don’t show it. And then you get the fallout…
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Yes, yes, absolutely (see my response to Hasty in regards to male/female bonds being just as deep).
thanks for reading and sharing, sweet thang. xo
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I’ve lost one very close female friend in my life, and it was devastating. It started with something she said that hurt my feelings.
So I retreated, which is what I do when I’m hurt. Only I retreated for way too long. We had been best friends for 20 years, and I just pulled away for – I want to say, 1 or 2 months? And when I was ready to be her friend again, she was done with me. She was so hurt by the way I just retreated on her that she just didn’t have the same feelings for our friendship.
I wish I could say that I’ve completely changed since then, but I haven’t. I STILL tend to run and hide when I’m hurt. The good news is, I don’t wait months. I’ve learned how toxic that can be.
I still miss her. This post was a good reminder to me that it’s always best to strive to be my higher self. xoxo
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Okay…I am really looking forward to reading this. I had my own breakup. It was mostly quiet..no arguments or recriminations. She just dropped me and I was too proud (or scared) to find out why. It still hurts.
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ohhhhh that sucks, Michelle. Sorry that happened to you. The silent fall-outs are so crushing and confusing. *hugs* I do hope you enjoy the book. It’s really a special compilation. They did such a beautiful job.
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Ack. Sounds horrible. So sorry it ended badly. Or at all.
I think the silence is the worst part. And I’m with Michelle – I’m too proud/anxious to ask WHY the silence is there. I’m pretty sure I’ve been ditched, but quietly, without fuss or fanfare or explanation, and it sucks.
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Yes, I agree with her, too. The silence…..UGH. And then your mind tries and tries to think “what did I DO?”
Yuck. No matter how you look at it. Yuck.
Thanks for reading, BW. 🙂
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Pfft I always read you 😛
And yeah. Silence sucks. But whatever. I don’t think I did anything, so whatever.
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I’ve heard so much about this book. I’ve also had more than a few close friendships end. Some were to due to divorce which I think quite normal. Still, I miss the friends and the goodness in them. People change though, and sometimes it just doesn’t work out. It’s the lack of closure that makes it difficult. Sorry about your loss.
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My mom lost a ton of friends after her divorce too! What a sucky thing to happen. It gets so messy.
I’m glad you’ve heard of the book! Looks like they have some marketing dynamos on their teem, not to mention a lot of authors involved. They did an amazing job.
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Maybe this is one reason that men strive not to become too deep, to feel things too much… because you all know we are wimps when it comes to pain… or being sick… and maybe we know that if we cared for each other as deeply as women do, we couldn’t handle it when it fell apart. I mean, I don’t have this problem… I hooked up my emotional wiring years ago… but it is something to think about.
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hmmmmm, I can see that. I also think you guys are wired a bit different, emotionally. But yes, you guys probably just think your time is better spent on sports. You’re not too dumb, are ya? 🙂
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I don’t have the sports gene… I have actual important things to do with my time.
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Sometimes I wonder if there is a worse for losing friendships. I haven’t had many “fights” that ended friendships, mostly just ones that were silent but then gone. Being hurt because friends came to my town and never said a word, types of things. Any friendship falling apart is a tragedy in my opinion, even if it was meant to end up that way. It’s still hard, and it still hurts.
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Very, very true, Samantha. Even if the breakup was inevitable, and best, it’s still traumatic.
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Thanks for sharing this little piece of your soul with us, it’s very raw and depressing, and as odd as it sounds a wonderful read.
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Aw, thanks Mike! That means a lot. 🙂
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So thrilled to know you loved this beautiful anthology. Thank you so much for your words, and I am glad to have found this site, because of it. Females and friendship: complicated, multilayered, and necessary for a life as a woman. We bond, and we are tribal. We are biological creatures who seek connection and to be part of something. This book does a beautiful job of showing just how important, and the impact , of friendship in a woman’s life.
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Ohhh TRIBAL. I like that. What a perfect adjective. Thanks for reading the review; the book was gorgeously done. I have so much respect for everyone involved. And welcome to this site! If you ever have something you’d like to submit….jes sayin’…..:)
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Just downloaded on my Kindle. I know several writers in the book. can’t wait to read! xxx
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AWESOME! So happy you’re reading it, Kim. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did. It was so cool reading along and thinking, “hey, I know that blogger!” I’m super happy for everyone involved.
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Funny. I lost a close cyber friend two years ago, and I’ve been trying to figure out how to write about it (and failing). Then a month or so ago, I Googled her and learned she had died. I don’t know any of her family or her friends, so I’ll never know what happened. I lost her twice.
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Holy jeebus, Elyse. That’s awful. *hugs*
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Thanks.
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I think the worst loss has been when you think you’re really close and you invest yourself accordingly and then it turns out only you felt the closeness, and you realise you never were. A hundred times easier in the cybersphere.
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I know exactly what you mean, Rd.
Exactly.
And yes, the buffer of cyberspace is both a gift and a curse.
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Loved the book, too, and also glad to discover this blog!
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Hi Nina! I’m so glad you read this, too! Thanks so much for reading, and I’m happy you’ve found us! Anytime you’d like to submit something…..GO FOR IT.
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Hey, just FYI, “ugly crying” isn’t a cool phrase. You have emotions; that’s okay. Sometimes you cry about them; that’s okay, too. Must you look attractive and sexy while you cry so that men will still like you? No. You must, well, deal with your emotions and take care of yourself.
“Ugly crying” is an idea that has seeped into my friend-group from a couple of ass hole guys we’ve dated over the past few years. I think it’s rather degrading, personally. You expect me to be PRETTY…FOR YOU…while I’m CRYING?!!! WHAT?
Oh, no sex tonight because you’re crying and it’s ugly. (Because I really wanted to have sex when I’m this upset about something. Yeah. That’s what’s foremost in my mind.)
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Hi there. I didn’t mean “ugly cry” literally (like when I yell bullshit, I don’t actually mean a bull’s shit), but thank you for the insight which I hadn’t thought of before. Duly noted.
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I don’t know if I could handle this book!
I had a friend that was more sister and sinew than not, and I thought everything dissolved between us in high school. But somehow it didn’t, and now, though we live apart, we are just as close and loving as before. I think we just needed time? Anyway, I’m one of the lucky ones.
And I’m so sorry about your friend, Beth. It’s a pain that never goes away.
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Hi Katie Cross! MUAH.
yeah, it’s not a warm-fuzzy book (although there are a few reconciliations). I mean, it’s warm fuzzy because of its heartfeltedness (made that word up. BAM) but it definitely is raw subject matter. That’s AMAZING you are still close with your HS friend!
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Oh Beth- I know that pain… and what woman hasn’t experienced it at some point in her life? This book IS amazing… and one that every woman needs to have in their library. It will speak to the hearts of many…
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Hi Chris! I missed your face!
Thanks for reading, chica banana. xoxo
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I have had a horrible riff with my mother off and on for the last 9 years. We are talking again but it isn’t the same….probably never will be because I simply do not trust her and I stay away purely out of self preservation. I have talked to my counselor(s) about her, my friends about her and everyone (who knows the whole story) can see things my way. Granted I put MY spin on things and they only know MY side…but there are way too many other people who have had the same experience with her. She is a hurting soul. I feel helpless but I have a fear of getting close to her again.
I think I will find this book and read it. Maybe it will help shed some light on what I have been through in recent years with her as well as a couple of other friendships that are now “gone”. Thanks B~
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Courtney, I think if someone is toxic, it’s your duty to remove or limit your time with them. I’ve had to do this with several family members, and it’s never easy, but (like you said) self-preservation.
My mother and I will never be that best friends mother/daughter thing I hear about like a myth. I don’t call her and squeal about my new shoes, or her grandson’s good grades. But because I was able to forgive and let go, I can continue to have her in my life without collateral damage (the uprooted anger after she leaves, etc.)
I hope you can find peace, no matter how you need to deal with her, and I hope you find some comforting words in the book. There were a couple who wrote about family members who were the friends they lost. *hugs*
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🙂
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I can’t wait to check out this book, but I’m afraid I won’t be able to handle it either. I went through a very similar break up with my girlfriend. It effected me so badly, for years. My entire world was turned inside out and upside down, making me doubt and question the beliefs I’ve held onto so dearly. I ended up writing about the experience, putting it all down on paper. Then I made a novel out of it. As I continue to work on my writing, editing and revising, I found just getting it all out there from MY perspective was the most therapeutic thing I could do.
-CJ Morgan
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It’s interesting that this isn’t talked about more, as it seems we’ve all been there somehow. Two of the best friends I ever had have been lost to ‘irreconcilable difference’ and, come to think of it, the female relationships in my family are not much better. No doubt there’s a connection. But the weird thing is – and I’m not sure if this is the same for others – they still appear in my dreams quite frequently, and painfully. I shall have to add this book to the read list… Thanks for sharing!
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This has happened to me. More than once. The first time was in 1978? Maybe 1979. I was in my junior or senior year of high school. My best friend, who grew up 10 houses away from me just decided we were no longer friends. No explanation, no fights, no, not even a discussion about it. I left it alone for a month or so, and approached her to see how long we were going to play this game. she laughed in my face. I tried to reconnect with her several years ago. Not happening. Apparently we are playing this one till the end. I shared the story with my then best friend/boyfriend. He did almost the same thing. I felt like I handed him a loaded gun and drew a target on my heart. ditto with the next female friend I thought was real. Now I just question my judgement all over the place.
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